E-freakin-motions...

Emotions are a tricky thing...

I have feelings for this woman that I'm seeing. She has feelings for me...

The feelings run very deep, but it lacks passion?

I dunno...

For the next few days I'm going to spend some time working through how I feel.

I know I have feelings for her. I know they are deep and true. What I'm more concerned with is my ability to tap into any emotion other than sadness.

I'm not saying that I'm sad when I'm with her. That's not the case at all, but the only emotion that I'm identifying with at the moment is sadness.

I feel sad that someday she's going to leave... that this, whatever we have, is going to end.

I "gotsta" explore this...

What is love?

So... earlier this week - the woman that I'm dating said "I love you..."

Shortly after she said that, she looked at me intently and asked my how I felt about that. I looked at her for a moment, put my arms around her and said - "I really believe you when you say that." I know a lot of people think the appropriate response to "I love you" is to say "I love you" back.

During the course of my "interviewing" many women have given me the "I love you." I have a few standard responses:

• Thanks
• It's okay, we're adults - it's important that we take ownership of our emotions
• Yeah (insert belly laugh here), right!
• Are you trying to convince you or me?

This is actually interesting. I was married for 15 years and I never really thought my ex-wife EVER meant it when she said it to me. I mean, she honestly hates me and she still wall call me "baby".

It's amazing how empty words can be sometimes, but it's an amazing thing when things click and you know somethings right.

Either way... I'm still planning on dating for 2 years. I'm not going to rush this one to marriage.

Thinking happy thoughts...

A lot of times when I enter into a new relationship I miss the euphoria that is generally present. There usually is a bit of anxiety in wondering what the person thinks about you... are they actually going to hang around...

There really is a lot of fear. For me at least.

I guess you can chalk that up to my own set of insecurities. The number of false starts that I've had in the past - where I've been interested in people and for some strange reason, they run...

Well... the person that I'm currently seeing... we've been together for almost 2 months. We spend a LOT of time together and it's as new and as fresh as it was in the beginning.

It's great!

We talk, we act silly... we have this really odd balance that's really pretty rare.

So... I was sitting there the other day, patiently waiting for the other shoe to drop when it suddenly hit me...

I hold the key to happiness firmly in the palm of my hand.

All I have to do is embrace it, live in the moment and have fun.

THIS is what being at peace feels like... cool.

Completely off the rails...

I think I've said this before, but I'm pretty sure I have an addictive personality.

I won't buy 1 guitar... I'll buy 50 to get to the 19 that I have now.

I won't buy 1 piece of work out equipment, I'll buy a whole gym and put it in my basement.

The list goes on... I don't do moderation very well in my life.

That's one of the reasons that I don't drink and that I won't do drugs.

If I allowed myself that, I would have to take it to the limit. That is who I am. In my extended nuclear family we are either really successful or complete bums. It's just a fact.

My goal in life has been to stay away from people that would exercise peer pressure over me. Now, I'm dating someone that has that potential. That's a dangerous thing.

I don't want to change her... She doesn't want to change me... but one of us is going to have to change.

Ya think?

To top it off...

I had this friend... a friend that I had known for the last 11 months of this year.

She was a good friend to me... and we always had this underlying tension.

She wanted to date me. I really cared for her, but understood that there was this underlying volatility that she had in her life that caused me to run.

I always cared for her though. More than she could have imagined. It hurts that I could have never dated her regardless of how I cared.

When I started dating the current chica, she was hurt. Bad. I feel sad, and oddly enough, I miss her.

Her parting words to me were - "You are not a typical male, but what you did was pretty typical."

Things change...

Okay... I am not a drinker. I don't like the taste of alcohol. I struggle when the person that I'm dating drinks.

Let's walk through this...

It takes a moment for me to actually find someone that I'm into who meshes with my twisted personality.

When they drink, they become someone other than who I adore.

That causes problems for me.

I had the opportunity to witness the person that I'm currently seeing drunk this weekend.

I am still not sure how I feel aboutthis.

She also likes to club... I am so not a clubber.

I really like her. I have the potential of really getting hurt here. Hurt because this isn't one of those infatuation type romances. We've worked at it... really, really worked at it.

I'm afraid.

Afraid that it's not going to work... even more afraid that it's going to work.

The one thing I know is that I am not going to sabotage this... or at least try not to.

That drowning feeling...

I don't get it.

People are suppose to enjoy relationships.

I always feel like I'm drowning.

I am seeing a woman that is interested in me for me. She listens, is rational... slightly more emotionally detached at times than I'm comfortable with...

She gives me space when I want it, understands balance...

Tonight, I'm going to give her an excuse to run.

She wants a child.

My youngest are 14.

If I wanted to have children my timeline would be something like this:

• Date for 2 years
• Engaged for 1 year
• Solidify the marriage for 5 years
• THEN start trying to have kids

That's 8 years before trying and I will be in my late 40's by then and she will be nearing 40. I would not be able to give this child all the energy I gave mine. Scout leading, coaching, running around playing football. Right now I can still get out there and be competitive on the b'ball courts with my 17 year old and his friends and intend to be in better shape when my twins are that age.

I wonder if that's what the drowning feeling comes from?

Me? A typical man? ... probably...

I generally don't think of myself as being a typical man, but every once in a while I pull a typical guy move.

I feel really bad about it too... because I try so hard not to be typical, but if I can fall and do a typical guy move are we all as mankind hopeless to fall into this plight called "typical"?

Here's the back story.

I met this woman on a dating site in Feb of this year. Her screen name eluded to there being "no drama" but she was obviously pregnant in her picture. I personally couldn't see how there could be no drama.

We met, and she "kept me around" because I didn't get on her nerves.

She always had this volatility that kind of rested under the surface. I had the feeling that I settled her and that she needed that kind of settling in her life.

But... with all of that said, she was like my "road dog" - I would hang out over her house, she would hang out over my house.

For 9 months 3 out of 4 weekends a month I was at her house or she was at mine.

I am sure she was attached.

I was attached.

But I communicated to her that I would never date her.

I was like the Dad to her child that her "baby daddy" never was. I was her baby whisperer.

Then... out of the blue... I started dating someone else.

Caught her by surprise.

Caught me by surprise.

She wrote me an e-mail and said - "you're not a typical male, but what you did was pretty typical."

Yes... it probably was.

She will never know how much I care for her or why I couldn't date her...

I suck.

Okay...

So... apparently, I'm dating.

I met this woman a couple weeks ago. She's 30, and she kind of thinks like me, uses some of the same phrases that I use... it's almost like my house has been bugged.

Anyway, I'm probably going to be blogging here... to make sure that I keep my mind right.

I don't want another Abby incident.

More later...