Monday, December 31, 2007

New Years Resolutions


On of the things that I have been guilty of in the past is making a MASSIVE new years plan that has WAY too many items to ambitious. This year, I’ve decided to simplify the items that I resolved to do.

This year, there are 2 items on the list.

1. Live life intentionally
2. Love with truth and honesty


Living life intentionally

A lot of time, I let life just happen. Even though I’m a planner, I’ve stopped planning life. I let life get in the way. I let life happen instead of being intentional about my actions. Not so… this year, I am going to think about it… more so than in the past.

My life is going to be intentional and purposeful. I will set goals and objectives and check points… and even hold myself accountable.

Love with truth and honesty

This is a 2 edged sword. This involves loving me and loving others.

Many times, I will love others more than I love myself. (Altruism… who would have thought that such a thing existed?) This year, I bring balance to my life in regards to those that I love.

Sometimes love hurts. Since I believe in sacrificial love… I end up unhappy.

Not so this year. This year… I add truth and honesty to the mix. I am allowed to voice my opinions. I don’t have to pepper the truth with sugar to make it sweeter. I can be honest regarding how I feel.

If you value me the way I value you… you will understand.

This... is going to be an interesting year…

Friday, December 28, 2007

Relationship rant...


There are many different approaches to relationships.
There's the dynastic approach where you enter into a relationship in order to improve your social standing. When I think dynastic approach, I think about Bill and Hillary Clinton.
There's also the romantic approach - where you enter into a relationship based upon how you feel at the moment. When I think of the romantic approach, I think about short lived Hollywood marriages.
So what makes a relationship last?
I think it's selflessness... when both people are willing to serve the other person. When both people are willing to call the other person out on the crap in their lives... When you're willing to help push the other person to their ultimate potential.
That's what I'm looking for... someone that is confident enough to be who they are ... and confident enough to let me be me.
Someone with a vision for the future - that is willing to mesh their vision with mine.
I want that kind of powerful love.
Is it out there in our society?
I don't know... but I'm willing to keep searching.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Random Thoughts


Last night about 1am I bumped into a friend of mine online… we decided to have some fun and do some stream of consciousness lyrics writing. As if I don’t have enough random thoughts and unfinished songs floating through my head.

Anyway… here are our random lyrics from last night. (Thanks Kaethe)

let me lend you a helping hand, it wont be hard to do. When ever I want to sing a song, I'll just stop and think of you

helping hands and times slipping like sand through my fingertips
but time passes ever so slowly when drinking in your lips

the muse you seek is in my soul
its always been close by
it isn’t a miracle or magic or mystery
it’s God’s own hand in mine

(wo)men kill each other for my kiss

why can you just start when asked instead of stopping then
it isn’t a crime to be a nice guy
last doesn’t mean you don’t get the woman in the end

why can you just be the same guy that I met back then
she whispered in his ear
but instead I hear your playing games over and over again
is it closeness that you fear?

was that like having sex almost ?

Words of Wisdom


Anyone that knows me knows that I am a wanna be artist. Whether it’s photography, music, drawing or writing… I love being creative.

There are times when I see something clearly… frame it… and it turns out well like these pictures I took at 2am in downtown Denver at 2am one morning. (Did I say 2am???)

There are other times when I hear something in my head… and it comes out perfectly… and other times, it’s garbage.

But it doesn’t prevent me from trying.

In times like these, when I need encouragement, I get in touch with my cousin Victor Wooten. Victor plays with Bela Fleck and the Flecktones and is one of the best bass players in the known universe.

So… this morning, I leave you all with these words of wisdom that he sent me this morning:

Hello Dwane, playing what's in my head is always a challenge unless I
simplify what I hear in my head. Thinking simply allows me to play
almost perfectly. Our mind will always be ahead of our physical
ability. And that is how it should be.
Make sure to record yourself at these open mics so that U can critique
(and complement) yourself.
Enjoy the holidaze.

Peace, vic

*sent by imagination*






Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Building from the ground up....


I took this picture from my hotel window.

I had one question... how many tall buildings had to fall over before they really figured out how to make a 40 story building? What about a 70 story building?

We are a species of innovation and creativity. Mankind, by nature is a problem solver, an adaptive innovator.

Somehow, I find hope in this.

They say necessity is the mother of invention. So… if I were to gather wisdom from that phrase, I need to look at my own life and find my needs… work to resolve those needs.

So… I guess my mission today is to be bold… build upwards and don’t be afraid of a building or 2 topples over in the process.

Gotcha.

I’m off to start building.

Just have to figure out what I’m going to build.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

When things aren't clear...


It really throws me off balance when things aren't clear.
I am entering the 2nd half of my life and things are becoming more and more blurry instead of snapping sharper into focus.
Whether it's career, financially, personally... there are far too many things that appear to be out of my scope of control that I don't know the questions to ask in order to bring things more sharply into focus.
One of the things that I want to do before the end of the year is see if I can bring some of these questions more sharply into focus. So... my next few posts are may be a little abstract while I attempt to bring things more sharply into focus.

Remy Zero/Cinjun Tate


I played an open mic Monday night. I didn't want to play, but friends of mine suggested that I actually perform.
I'm glad I did. It was humbling.
Although the music that I did was well received, and captured the attention of the people at the venue, it could have been better.
I was humbled when Cinjun Tate from Remy Zero took the stage. I was captivated. The soul and the passion with the words that he sang... makes me want to really hone my craft instead of just sitting there on the outside dancing around my musical ideas.
If you're not familiar with Remy Zero, let me give you this little synopsis:
Remy Zero's song "Save Me" was used as the theme for Smallville
Remy Zero's song "Shattered" was used in Crazy/Beautiful and Suicide Kings
Their song Fair was used in the movie Garden State
Prophecy was used in She's all that and The Last Kiss
And if that's not enough, Cinjun was married to Alyssa Milano.
Yeah... I'm going back to the drawing board.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Love/Hate Relationships


I am in the middle of a love/hate relationship.

It is singularly the most frustrating thing in the world.

It seams like I've waited so long and I get repaid by pain.

But I love to breath in the sweet fragrance.

With callousness I get in return pain... to the point that it's intense... physical.

I embrace with open arms drinking in the presence with nothing but admiration.

I don't mind the coldness... I'm used to it. I find comfort in it.

But the pain in my ankles, knees and back during cold weather reminds me of every soccer game that I played when I was in high school and college.

Every step feels like a 10 penny nail has been hammered into my ankles.

I love the feel, smell, temperature of winter... but my body hates it.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Finding Balance


I think one of the hardest things about dealing with the divorce is only seeing our sons every other weekend.
Now, I know that I can see them more than that, but you have to take into account that I also work in Denver during the week... half way across the country.
But... I think we're finally starting to find balance and enjoy our times together.
So... this weekend at home was a good weekend.
Granted, I'm going to have to spend ALL of next weekend putting the house back together... but our time together was well worth every second of it.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Why am I sad?


I am sad because I am healing! That's the good news. Like I said before, I would rather feel something than not feel at all.
So... the big question is... why am I sad?
I am sad because I miss my friend. I miss the woman that "I'm not dating."
I miss her voice, hanging out with her, the anticipation of our next activity.
But alas... she's off really dating now... no closure for me... makes me sad.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Am I blue?


I was talking with a stranger on Sunday named Nicole. About 10 minutes into the conversation she said I "seamed to be sad."
According to Nicole, my heart was sad, but my mind was telling me that I'm happy.
I also reached out to a couple other friends of mine that know me well and they all say that I appear to be sad.
The good news is that I'm not depressed. Depression sucks.
I'm actually pretty happy that I'm sad. (Hmmm... maybe Nicole was right).
I went for a long time without feeling anything. Now I feel sad.
That's progress.

State of this Blogger



(Thanks to Donzie for letting me steal this image from her blog - it's a friends only blog... and you need Yahoo!360, but well worth the read)


There are some people who live charmed lives. They never have any issues. However, it's more likely that we ALL have issues. Some of us choose to write about our struggles and what we're going through.


So, let me share a reality check.


Everyone has issues.


When I look at the number of celebrities that are drinking and driving... issues.


The number of celebrities in rehab... issues.


Even the celebtrities that have attempted or committed suicide... issues.


Maybe they should take up blogging.



So... when I write, struggle, wrestle... whatever... it's not that I'm looking for you to pity me. It's not a pity party... It's me trying to work out issues.


I am not the same person I was 12 months ago... I have friends that I've talked with over the years that tell me that they can see my growth as a person. Part of that is due to the fact that I wrestle.


When I put things out there, I am simply working through and trying to leave a road map for myself in case I ever lose my way.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

You do know...


You do know that yesterdays post isn't what was truly bothering me... don't you?

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Curve balls from the Universe


(Photo taken on my walk in to work)

When it rains, it pours… or should I say… when it snows it… oh well… I can’t figure out how to complete the metaphor.

Alright. I’m going to have to concentrate. It’s my goal to complete this posting with no profanity and with clear and concise thoughts.

This entire week has been ARRRRRRGH frustrating to say the least.

Each day has been more and MORE frustrating.

Okay… where to start?

Start small. How do I feel?

Frustrated and anxious.

Why?

Because I can’t control the universe.

That’s normal… most people can’t control the universe.

My universe is falling apart.

Okay, bring it down to a level that I can understand. Can you give me an example?

Sure, I’ll do it in categories. First, let’s talk about the women in my life.

I thought in our previous session you said that you weren’t dating, and that you were fine with not dating anyone. If I recall, you said that you were willing to take 2 years to figure things out.

I did… let me see if I can explain this. In order for me not to date, I have to fix in my mind that I am actively “dating” someone, even if we aren’t. Does that make sense?

I think so – you do have that ability to latch on to an idea and cling to it.

Exactly. Well… both of the people that I had latched on to – they’re both seeing people now. They both started at around the same time. One, I used to talk with for at least an hour a day… sometimes more. The other – I would get to hang out with. Now both of those are gone.

Isn’t that a little extreme and fatalistic? I mean, I’m sure they haven’t completely excluded you from their lives.

They haven’t. But you know, there’s always that slight difference between what is and what “is”.

No, I don’t. Please, explain.

I would rather not.

We’ve been making so much progress. Don’t shut down now.

Well… they are both 2 different people. They both care for me in their own way. One would probably leave the guy that she is seeing tonight if I told her that she was the one for me. The other, would run away and never speak to me again.

Then there’s the woman that was illuminated from the heavens, and the voice that spoke to me saying that she’s going to be my next wife.

What is, is that I know I am a great guy. I know that there are others out there that care for me immensely. With the exception of the woman that was illuminated, because she barely knows who I am. I know that I have value and worth.

But what is… is that I feel alone and isolated.

Aren’t there people that you talk with on a regular basis? Aren’t there people that you know care for you.

It’s not the same. There is a hole that is there. Can we move on?

You always deflect when we’re close… try one more time…

I need to be able to spend time with people that I care about in order to feel better about myself.

But didn’t you have the opportunity to do that this weekend?

I did… but the universe threw me a curve ball that I wasn’t expecting.

The universe, the one you can’t control – is now fighting against you?

Well, yes. I took out an ad in Denver. To look for someone that I could hang out with while I was there. Not in a relationship or friends with benefit perspective – but just to hang out with.

That sounds healthy. Finding people to hang out with that you don’t work with.

Well, one of the people that responded, looks JUST like one of the people that is now dating someone.

You’re kidding. Right?

No… look at this picture. And this picture.

Oh my. There is a striking resemblance.

Tell me about it.

It sounds like you’re on the verge of depression again. I thought you haven’t had a depressive episode since you filed for divorce.

This isn’t depression. This is despair. There’s a subtle difference.

Let’s take a different approach. Tell me something positive. You’re a self proclaimed optimist.

It’s snowing outside. Reminds me of home.

Monday, December 10, 2007

More meat atrocities...



First... I would like to apologize to my vegetarian friends. Sincerely.

Where as the Bacon Choco Chip Cookies looked, appear to be the perfect combination of salty/sweet... this monstrosity in this picture just makes me want to cringe.

Now... as I said before, I could see a nice Krispy Kreme sandwich... I've dreamed about them before...

But this? It's excessive... Too much... The presentation TERRIBLE... even with a knife and fork how would you ever get the blended taste of hamburger, cheese, bacon and Krispy Kreme.

Okay... let me also apologize to my Jewish friends... and my Muslim friends... while I'm at it.

I can feel my arteries clogging just thinking about this sandwich.

Finally... let me apologize to the rest of you... my days of blogging about food may be over.

Bacon Chocolate Chip Cookies with Maple Cinnamon Glaze


Okay... I admit that the mentally healthier me has been writing these feel good posts that lack the edge that the deep and intropective me has had in the previous months.
So, I was thinking... how can I add some meat to my sweetness?
I came across this post while reading other blogs today.
It's regarding a conversation that a wife had with her husband about what tastes better with bacon. I don't want to steal thunder of her humorous blog posting, so I linked it above.
This makes me think about the craving that I had not too long ago where I wanted to take a Krispy Kreme Donut slice it in half, add turkey, melted cheddar and bacon...
mmmm... I'm not alone in the world.
For my vegetarian friends, feel free to use Boca Bacon... or the bacon substitute of your choice.

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Thought for the day...



Every kiss has an implication.
Every action a concequence.

When I woke up this morning this line was ringing in my head.


Somewhere, there's a great song in that.

Things I've forgotten about me...



I had forgotten

* I like to smile
* I like to laugh at inappropriate time
* I like to listen to music at REALLY high volume
* I am social
* I like to jump around like a maniac when I listen to loud music at REALLY high volume

Yep... honestly remembered these things today.

Take a moment...



This was a good weekend.

There were A LOT of things that I needed to do during my short stay at home. I took the opportunity to do NONE OF THEM.

I took the time this weekend to hang out with good friends and new friends.

I took the opportunity to enjoy the weather.

I took the opportunity to enjoy life.

Life, in and of itself can be overwhelming. It can wear you down until your myopic world view only focuses on the bad times - the hard times - the past - what could be - what should be...

When we do this, we miss the wonders that are all around us.

When I was parking my motorcycle after a ride yesterday I noticed that I had a rose bush in full bloom in the middle of December.

That was all the reminder that I needed to take time out to enjoy life every once in a while.

So... in the middle of all your chaos and world worries... take a moment today to pause... and find a little wonderment of your own.

Friday, December 07, 2007

The Power of Words


Words are powerful.

Words are powerful because we tend to meditate on them. We think about them. We ponder them. We live the words that we let infiltrate our mind. We become what we say.

If we continue to speak the words of our past... our past will haunt us.

If we call ourselves helpless, we will be helpless.

If we think ourselves lost and alone... we will be lost and alone.

I am learning to let my words comfort me. Letting my words bring me peace.

When I said I hated Denver, I would spiral. When I said I was prepared for the trip... the week went by well. I took pictures, I found things to entertain me... I was at peace.

I'm not saying that if you say you're a millionaire you're going to become one, but I am saying that the words we speak and embrace will alter the way we view our world.

So... don't be haunted by your past. Don't get frustrated by your present. Find that thing that is good... and meditate on it. Let your words embrace you and bring you peace instead of causing harm and pain.

Note: I feel like I've been preachy lately. It's important to note that I say these things to myself more than anyone else.

Denver Late Night

.

Blurry and slightly askew

Well... it's the night before I go home for the weekend. It's 3:40AM. It's another night where I've been up since 1:30am. So... instead of just hanging out in the hotel, I decided that I would go out into the city and take a couple pictures.

Most of the pictures turned out well... I was able to capture what I wanted to, but at this point, in the return trip it was rainy and cold.

I didn't feel like setting up the tripod or taking off my gloves.

At some point, I think I'm going to go back and take this picture again.

On the positive side, I think I finally understand what I've needed to hear in these wee hours in the morning.

Under ordinary circumstances, I tend to want to occupy my time with Isha. What I learned this morning is that it's not about Isha or even Ish... it's all about Ishi.

I know that's cryptic for a lot of you... I'll explain it one day soon. Promise.





Give yourself a hug...


I always wondered about the significance of giving yourself a hug.
Through the power of the internet, I was able to find out what the importance of it was, and now I understand...
It's good for your heart.
So today... give yourself a big hug!

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Weird visual effects



Have you ever had the feeling where you're sitting in a stationary car and the car beside you starts to move? For that brief instance you feel like you're moving. You spring into action grabbing your steering wheel and stepping on the brakes.

I had a similar feeling walking in this morning. This picture doesn't do it justice...

As I was walking in this morning in the dark I couldn't see sky. Just buildings. With every step the perspective of where I was in relation to the buildings changed. It literally looked like the buildings were moving...

Okay... it was much more interesting to experience than to try and explain... but I tried.

Messing with your own mind...


We all deal with our life issues a little differently.

I have some friends that like to be beaten. They go to fetish clubs and let people flog, whip, paddle and spank them until they look like raw hamburger.

I have other friends that cut themselves.

Others that drink… to the pain.

I was talking with one friend of mine that said that they needed to experience true pain and that spanking wouldn’t get them to the point that they needed for a release… so she was going to try needles and scalpels…

Now, I’m no prude. I can understand needles… I even understand cutting ones self.

But the concept of giving someone the authority to cut into your flesh. Giving them the permission to cut deep. So deep that you know they are going to have to stitch you up afterwards is beyond my level of comprehension.

I mean… if you really want to experience pain – try a little emotional introspection. Look at yourself in the mirror. Get into your own head space.

If you really want to know an inescapable pain, give yourself the freedom to look at your own life without the blinders on.

Or… perhaps that’s what you’re trying to escape…

I dunno… I look back over my blog and the things that I’ve written – living in my own headspace trying to figure things out was PAIN. The kind of pain that makes you physically wretch and writhe in agony while questioning your own existence. Questioning your own value… your own worth.

I dunno… We all deal with the craziness that is our lives and we all do it our own way.

I’m far too narcissistic to inflict pain or harm to myself in anyway, and I don’t like being overly introspective. I deal by trying to figure it out and making a forward moving plan.

I’m sure you can even see a change in the way that I’ve been blogging over the last couple posts. I’ve been taking the time to find the simple silly things in life that make me smile.

It’s been a while… but I’m at peace.
Here's wishing you can find the same... Salud.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Never would I have imagined...


Never ever would I have imagined that I would have done what I did...

Around 1:30am this morning I carved the word MUSIC into my guitar.

Admittedly, I have 15 guitars and this is the least expensive guitar I have, it's one that I purchased for less than $100, but still.

This was a big step for me.

No... I'm not going to carve into my other guitars... but this stands as a reminder to me that it's about the music... and only about the music.

It's so easy to get sidetracked and miss the point. Music is about conveying emotion. Sometimes I get caught up in the technical aspect of making music because it's fun to look at through the "snowglobe" - where I don't have to get involved in the process of making music.

What I'm trying to do is find that emotional place where music is made.

This... was an emotional act... and it is a good start.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Denver

.

Commute to work...


On my way in to work today I decided to take a picture...
The triangular shaped hotel is the Historic Brown Palace. The claim to fame of this hotel is that the Beatles stayed there.
The weather is great... I woke up to 55 degrees with a reported high of 65 today.
I brought my tripod and I'm hoping to be able to get out and take a couple pictures today.
Look for more good news from the road soon.

Monday, December 03, 2007

D-Block Cell


My flight was delayed for 3 hours... instead of arriving at 6:00pm... we arrived after 9:30pm, getting into the hotel a little after 10.

I took this picture in my bathroom - I thought the shirt/tie was a cute touch. Last time I checked into the hotel it was gender neutral.

They also left me a snickers bar and a water... how did they know?

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Feeling better!!!


“Good friends are like stars.... You don't always see them, but you know they are always there”
However, sometimes I forget that.
Being on the road and in between worlds if I don't have the opportunity to hang out with my friends I spiral... quickly into the darkness.
My writings this morning reflected this...
I offer these samples:
How do you find hope in a wasteland,
when all you see is dispair?
If you can't find a helping hand
You grasp for help and catch thin air.
Yeah.... if you think that's bad... try this one:
I live my life on the cusp of a lie
'Cause no one likes a man that cries
So I take these feelings bury them deep inside
And every single day a part of me dies.
So, when I got to church today I was "mean muggin'" (literal translation -I looked sad/angry/some mixture of both...)
The people there are a lot like family to me. They mean the world to me. The fact that I don't see them during the week is frustrating as well. The fact that we all eat together once a week is one of those things that really helps me keep a balance.
The fact that I'm in Denver and have lost that really keeps me a little off balance.
Well... today, we all got together for lunch. It was like having all my brothers and sisters together. Laughing, joking, getting to know each other...
It's small things like that... I think I'm energized to get through another week in Denver.

Between worlds


I flew home from Denver on Friday. My flight back to Denver is Sunday afternoon.
This type of travelling is finally beginning to take its toll on me mentally.
I feel like I am living in between 2 different worlds. If it weren't for the fact that I know that I have a guitar waiting for me in Denver that will allow my to find those soothing notes that wash over me like a sweet lullaby I honestly think I would completely lose it.
I feel like I am trapped in between worlds and I can see the doorway, but every step I take closer to it, it moves and equal distance away.
I used to be an optimist. I fear my optimism is beginning to fade.
My feelings of isolation are beginning to become more present. Lonliness, my tormentor sits on my bed nightly waking me up at odd hours of the morning. Once I am aroused from my sleep - she leaves. Even loneliness leaves me alone to be tormented by the silence of being in a hotel - with nothing there except my guitar.
I hate the fact that this sounds dark.
I hate the fact that my optimism and witty banter has been replaced by despair.
I hate the fact that the safeguards that I've put in place to help me keep balance are collapsing.
I hate the fact that all I want is to feel numb.
I hate the fact that in 12 hours I am going to be leaving for D-Block (the affectionate term that I have for Denver... my own personal prison).
I hate living between 2 worlds, but not really being a part of either.
I hate the fact that I am powerless to do anything about it.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

I would love to...


There are times where I wish I could be a social drinker. But I also know my personality. I don't believe in half doing anything. When I take up a hobby... I want to perfect it.
If I drank, I know it would be in excess... and that it wouldn't stop.
First, I would drink to find out what I like... what I don't like. There would be no moderation in this... Because I would be fascinated to know how my tastes changed the more I drank...
If I don't like this now would I like it later?
I would want to experiment with what would get me buzzed the quickest... what maintains the buzz?
I would be curious about what it would take to get me to the point where I couldn't remember what happened.
It would be methodical... It would be controlled... It would become an obsession... until it was no longer in my control.
See... I know that.
I don't have to put drink to lips to understand that.
By the same token, it makes it very difficult to be in social settings with people that do drink. Not because there is a pull or a temptation for me to drink, but because when you're not drinking... you no longer fit in with those that are.
I may be comfortable with who I am, but knowing how or where I fit in is harder.