Thursday, February 24, 2011

What am I thinking...

This is interesting... my entire blog has been about this internal struggle... and now... it's philosophy of dating and rants against X. What's going on?

Well... I'll tell you what's going on... I have dropped my 2011 action plan. I need to pick it up again. I have been so busy just enjoying life that... well, nothing... it's okay to just enjoy life sometimes.

But, I still need to keep myself accountable. I need to have some expectations of myself about eating healthy, being in shape, and managing my time better. These are all non-negotiable... so, as they say, Monday, I am back on the wall... I am being diligent... again.

Trouble in paradise...


My relationship is fine... this, really is in reference to X. (For those that don't know... X is what I call my ex-wife)

So... our youngest son wanted to get into a private state run school program, He found out yesterday that he didn't get into the program. I decided that I needed to call him and have a conversation with him about how to handle disappointment. We talked a little about times that I've wanted jobs and didn't get them...

Anyway, I called last night to talk with him and X's future x answered the phone. (Okay... so maybe calling him her future x was bad...) The phone rang a little too long, The "live in guy" answers the phone... in a gruff way. Of course I politely say "May I speak with 'the youngest son'?"

He gives X the phone... instead of 'the youngest son'... who says multiple times:

"When you drop off the son, drop him off in the street and not in the driveway."

Now... I'm at a loss... I'm trying to work through an issue with OUR son, and this is her topic of conversation?

Well... while I was talking to 'the youngest son', I could hear X and x arguing in the background...

You know... sometimes people ask me about my 1st marriage and if I would go back... if there are things that I would change or have done differently... in the grand scheme of things I think I realize that some people get what's important... and some people don't. And that will never change.

At first, I felt a little smug hearing them in the background... then I felt sad. I may not have feelings for her, but I don't like it when anyone is in a relationship where there's control and fear.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Love is like a 3 layer cake...

Love is complex... it has layers. The 2 questions that need to be asked are:
  • What are those layers
  • What holds them together
For some, the layers are past experiences, fear, selfishness held together by guilt.
For others, the layers are desire for family, external expectations, biological clocks glued together by hopes and dreams.

I could go on and on with examples... but I wanted to share with you what my winning combination is...

Like - first, at some fundamental level, you have to actually genuinely like the other person, Can you hang out and just be you... be silly, be serious... just be.

Love - love is important, because love covers a multitude of sins. What that means is that you have a certain amount of... grace, or forgiveness. You care for the person just because... It encompasses multiple aspects... you have friendship, comradery, passion, and unmerited favor.

Relating on a higher level - For me, it's a relationship based in common Christian values.

You can have these layers... but you need something to hold these layers together. For me, it's the fact that God is involved in both of our lives. I can't tell you the number of times that in prayer time that God has spoken the same thing to both of... and that's what brings us together and helps our 3 layer cake stay together.

What's your cake like?

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

A novel idea...

Sometimes in relationships, love is an afterthought.

I mean... really, a lot of times we think about love when it comes to romance, special occasions, Valentines day... but other than that, it really becomes a cliche. It becomes as common place as saying Hello or Good Bye.

But... what if love wasn't an afterthought?

What if love... was an intentional action that governs the way that two people interact with each other?

What would that look like?

I can tell you that it would probably be difficult, because you have to sometimes not act in a selfish way... you have to compromise... you have to sacrifice...

That's the thought for today... don't make love an afterthought.

Scripture Of The Day:  “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." - John 13:34 (NIV)

Friday, February 18, 2011

Last Of The Wedding Talk

Okay... Lisa's best friend "the event planner" friend has views of where she would like to be, that doesn't necessarily line up with what Lisa and I have been talking about. On the positive side... I don't have to talk with her about managing the expectations of her friend!

At the moment, we have narrowed it down to 2 venues. One is rather artistic... and the other is at a nice room in a restaurant. We're going to look at both of them tomorrow.

I am leaning towards the room at the restaurant. It seats 40... we're expecting 30. 

Let me digress a moment. Why are we planning for 30? Honestly, We could have more... 100... 200 easy... but we decided to make it about the people that are closest to us and not just about the people that want to come and what and see and gawk... and talk behind out backs about the venue, how we're dressing, blah blah blah.

Okay... where was I?

The wedding... we're both leaning towards the restaurant. It's within our price range and think it would be cool... imagine if you will... a close and intimate setting... exchanging vows surrounded by our inner circle... then, we'll end up serving them a 3 course meal.. before we run away to our cabin of love!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

And the countdown begins...

"Welcome to the real word, she said to me... condescendingly... 
  Take a seat... take your life... plot it out in black and white..." John Mayer

I just realized that I'm getting married in June. We've gone from making the statement "I'm going to marry you one day" to actually knowing what the date is. A ring has been placed on the finger... reservations have been made for the honeymoon and now? We're looking at wedding venues.

Wow.

June is coming up quickly... very quickly... and there's a lot to do.

We have made reservations for the honeymoon already. Now we're looking at venues... And I'm looking at my bank account!!! (I know that's a terrible thing to say, but I'm still in recovery from the divorce. I'm 2 years from being debt free... but still have a lot of funds allocated with limited disposable income.)

So... I'm walking the tightrope of wanting her to have the day that she deserves couples with what I can logically help her accomplish.




Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Letting go...

I have a problem with letting go of people once they're in my life. I don't care if we dated... if you wanted to date me... if I wanted to date you... If I care enough to invite you into my world... it's difficult for me to let go.

Lately, that's exactly what I've been doing. Slowly letting people go. Deleting them from my phone... Facebook account, old e-mails... I am doing the purge.

I am finding that for some people, it's easier... they help remind me why I need to excise them from my life... I can't stand their negativity. Others, it was just about equity... I was always more invested in keeping the friendship than they were.

Either way... letting go can be good sometimes.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Building Lasting Relationships...

Every once in a while, I read something that is worth sharing... this is one of those times... please take the time to read what is listed below...

------------------------
A Recipe for Relationships
"... he loved him as he loved himself."
1 Samuel 20:17b (NIV)
       
Devotion:
My mother use to tell me to count myself lucky if I had just one "close friend."  That's because close life-long relationships are hard to come by.
So many people today are looking for meaningful relationships, yet so few actually find them. We are becoming an increasingly private society, and it seems fewer people than ever have life-long intimate friendships. Still, the desire for this kind of relationship is not only sought after, but necessary.
Women are naturally drawn to other women. In fact, a girl's first experience with heartache may have been over a lost "best friend" rather than a "boy friend." Women value friendships. When they are lost, we grieve; not just over the friendship itself, but also for the secrets shared, the trust given and the acceptance enjoyed. If betrayed, the pain runs deep causing us to wonder if intimate friendships are really possible.
When I think of a biblical example of real friendship, the story of David and Jonathan, found in 1 Samuel 19, always comes to mind.
Jonathan, son of King Saul, was David's closest friend. But his father, the king, despised David because he was growing in popularity and because God had anointed David to be king. These facts enraged King Saul, so much that he commanded his aids and Jonathan to assassinate David. But Jonathan loved David, therefore betrayal was impossible.
Love isn't the only fruit of true friendship. A real relationship consists of sacrifice too.
Jonathan stripped himself of the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his armor, his sword, his bow, and his belt. Jonathan was the potential heir to his father's throne, but we see him sacrificing his future for his best friend as he literally gave David his place as king.
You and I can learn from this action that true friendship means a willingness to sacrifice for each other in love. It's the ability to put another's needs, desires, and wishes above our own.
Loyalty is also a mark of true friendship. We're told that Jonathan went to his father and spoke well of David. Jonathan also stood up to his dad and essentially said, "Dad, you're wrong about David. He hasn't done any wrong to you; in fact, everything he's done has helped you." A true friend is a loyal defense before others, one who won't talk about you when you're not around. True friends stick up for each other.
Finally, intimate friends give each other complete freedom to be themselves. In an intimate friendship, you don't have to explain why you do what you do. You're just free to do it.

When Jonathan gave David the news that things were troubled in the palace and that his dad was going to kill him, the two were forced to say goodbye. The text tells us that they wept together.

When your heart is broken, you can bleed all over a friend like this and she'll understand. She won't try to dismiss your misery or tell you to straighten up. Intimate friends let each other hurt and they weep together. If your friend needs to talk it through, you will listen. Intimate friends don't bale; they stay. They allow you to be yourself no matter what "self" looks like in that moment.
If you're looking for a godly recipe for relationships, look no further. Mix together love, sacrifice, loyalty, and freedom and you can create an intimate friendship that lasts a lifetime.

Dear Lord, help me to be a friend like Jonathan. Then, bless me with the same. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Now... that's love...

So... I got engaged this weekend. I had sent Lisa a picture of the ring... and she agreed that it was a nice ring...

BUT...

The things that she didn't communicate to me were BIG...
  • It was VERY similar to the one that her deceased husband purchased her
  • It was 1/2 carat smaller
So... she received the ring... she looked at it... she said thank you... then... came the honest communication.

"I am a little disappointed. I am use to a full carat... it's okay... I know we're engaged... I don't have to wear a ring..."

I listened carefully... heart breaking slightly inside. I know what my budget is and my dedication to become debt free and how I manage my finances... this was singularly the most expensive thing that I had ever purchased for someone and I purchased it out of my "need" and not out of my excess.

I listened very carefully to what she said... I applauded her for telling me what she said. I value honest and open communication very much and I know how hard it was for her to be able to say that to me. That type of honesty and open communication is what I try hard to keep and maintain that.

Later on in the day, I pulled her aside and I apologized to her because I felt that I was being a hypocrite. I cannot embrace open and honest communication if I don't do it myself.

I talked with her about the ring... I reminded her of my current financial situation, and how the purchase was a sacrifice. She understands that my financial situation changes as I retire debt and my child support decree comes to an end...

She listened and said that she really felt sad that she was more concerned about what others felt than the depth of our love for each other.

Understanding how hard it was for me to say what I said... and for her to say what she said... we both agreed that what we had was far more valuable than anything that anyone else would say...

It took her less than a half day to start wearing the ring because it had true symbolism and meaning... it meant I loved her hard enough to sacrifice for her... and that she loves me enough to not care what others will say.

I think we're going to be okay... because we have something rare... a true and deep love.

Wednesday, February 09, 2011

I was listening to one of my favorite Pastors today and he was talking about prayer and the way that we pray. He was talking about how we use prayer as a list of things that we want God to do and indicated that we might miss the other side... which is what God is trying to do in our lives.

Philippians 2:12-13 (New Living Translation)

12 Dear friends, you always followed my instructions when I was with you. And now that I am away, it is even more important. Work hard to show the results of your salvation, obeying God with deep reverence and fear. 13 For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.
We miss the fact that God is working in us giving us the desire and power to do what pleases him.

Imagine that for a moment... God, who framed the universe, the One that can do what appears to be impossible wants to endow us with the power to do what pleases him.

That's really what I want to see in my life... what things God will work out in my life... not the things that I can imagine.

Lord, help me to understand that it's not all about me. Grant me the eyes to see how you're working in me and the plans that you have. Let me walk boldly in your power and might fearing nothing... but expecting you to move as you have promised in your Word. Amen.

Tuesday, February 08, 2011

Sleep Cycles

My sleep cycles are off... again.

I can accept the fact that I only sleep 5 hours a night. That's not a problem. Under ordinary circumstances I actually like it. It lets me get a lot done.. I'm learning to make the most of my time.

My current problem is that I have been falling asleep at 9pm which means... I wake up at 2am. So by the time afternoon at work rolls around, I've been up for nearly 12 hours and I'm not at my sharpest.

Brilliant.

On the other side of the coin... a few positives...

I have been reading more. I have managed to regain my love for reading. The Kindle and Kindle readers are great. I don't have to worry about losing book marks or anything like that. It's just... there. NICE.

I am also eating healthy. I have found a way to get my sodium under 1500mg/day. I'm pretty excited about that!

Now... if only I could fall asleep closer to 11pm... yaaaaaaaaawn...

Friday, February 04, 2011

Intimacy

According to Websters dictionary

Definition of INTIMACY

1
: the state of being intimate : familiarity
2
: something of a personal or private nature


But... in our society, you would think that intimacy means

Definition of SEXUALITY

: the quality or state of being sexual:a : the condition of having sexb : sexual activityc : expression of sexual receptivity or interest especially when excessive


There is a distinct difference between the two. So... why am I on this rant so early in the morning? I am currently in a long distance relationship and I realize that I am not the sole source of knowledge, so I apply research. I try to find the best practices that exist and borrow from them where applicable. Most of the ideas that they had were based on being sexual and not building the things that endure in the relationship...

Although there is a physical and sexual component to a relationship, there is also:

  • Spiritual
  • Emotional
  • Intellectual
  • Social
  • Affectional
  • Aesthetic
If our society only concentrates on 2 of the aspects, it's no wonder we're in the state that we're in.

Although the distance is tough, I am glad that I'm getting to know her in every dimension. It's a powerful thing...

Thursday, February 03, 2011

Who is in your inner circle? What criteria do you have to make sure that those that are in your inner circle possess the values that you value most? I think, a lot of times, we surround ourselves with people who just want to hang out with us and not with people that we want to be like.

Did you catch that?

We let our circle choose us, we don't choose our circle!

I have a few people that have been in my inner circle for a while. A few people have wondered into my inner circle without ever knowing that they were there or understanding what got them there. For me, the qualities that are most important and endearing to me are:

  • Tough Love
  • Truth-telling
  • Humility
I admit it... there are times when I need a swift kick in the a... behind. I have had people risk our friendship to tell me that I was off course. That's how you truly know if someone cares for you. 

The world is full of people that will give you sympathy, a pat on the back, an encouraging word... Trust me, I'm not saying those are bad traits. I've been known to be a cheerleader in the life of my friends on a regular basis.

But there are also times when I just have to go for it... and let them know that the course of action that they're taking will cause them heartache, pain, suffering... It's always gut check time when I do that too... There's a risk in whether or not it's received.

But... that's what true friendship is about. Caring for the other person to be willing to risk it.

I am thankful for those people in my life that care enough for me to not try to make it right but are willing to say "suck it up, pumpkin... do what's right."

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

It's a part of who I am...

I have a lot of friends that just don't get it... and sometimes it just makes my heart heavy. I really truly feel pain and sorrow and my breath becomes short and it feels like 1000 pounds are sitting on my chest... so... I have to write about it and get it all out.

Everyone has problems.

The difference is in how people handle their problems.

I understand that my faith and my belief in God are key to me being settled. There are promises that I hold on to that come from the Word of God that grant my comfort.

John 16:32-33 (New Living Translation)

32 But the time is coming—indeed it’s here now—when you will be scattered, each one going his own way, leaving me alone. Yet I am not alone because the Father is with me. 33 I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”



2 Corinthians 5:17 (New Living Translation)

17 This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!



Psalm 143:8 (New Living Translation)


 8 Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning,
      for I am trusting you.
   Show me where to walk,
      for I give myself to you
.

The entire story of the Bible calls us to hope. That although there are troubles and sorrows, it's temporary. Although we make mistakes, there's a call for new beginnings. That there is guidance, if we turn ourselves over and follow a loving God.

I really don't know who will read this... if anyone... but I am hoping that if you stumble across this message know that it wasn't by mistake... it wasn't an accident. Although it doesn't make sense, there is a God that loves you and cares for you.

Even though it doesn't make sense, neither do the decisions that you've made up to this point... try something different. I did... it works.

31 Days into 2011

So... we're 31 days into 2011 and how are things going with the action plan?

Things are going well... I had 4 action items:

1) Increase self-discipline
2) Time management
3) Eating healthier
4) Increase my giving

Self-discipline is increasing... not quite where I want it to be... but it's getting better. I'm making progress.

Time management... Some days, time is getting away from me, but on the whole, I'm making time to do those things that are important to me... like reading and going to the gym.

Eating healthier is working... that's going well... with the exception of this past weekend. I blew it bad, but I'm back on the wagon...

I have increased my giving... not as much as I would like, but I am living in fiscal responsibility.

Next spot... end of the month.