That drowning feeling...

I don't get it.

People are suppose to enjoy relationships.

I always feel like I'm drowning.

I am seeing a woman that is interested in me for me. She listens, is rational... slightly more emotionally detached at times than I'm comfortable with...

She gives me space when I want it, understands balance...

Tonight, I'm going to give her an excuse to run.

She wants a child.

My youngest are 14.

If I wanted to have children my timeline would be something like this:

• Date for 2 years
• Engaged for 1 year
• Solidify the marriage for 5 years
• THEN start trying to have kids

That's 8 years before trying and I will be in my late 40's by then and she will be nearing 40. I would not be able to give this child all the energy I gave mine. Scout leading, coaching, running around playing football. Right now I can still get out there and be competitive on the b'ball courts with my 17 year old and his friends and intend to be in better shape when my twins are that age.

I wonder if that's what the drowning feeling comes from?

Me? A typical man? ... probably...

I generally don't think of myself as being a typical man, but every once in a while I pull a typical guy move.

I feel really bad about it too... because I try so hard not to be typical, but if I can fall and do a typical guy move are we all as mankind hopeless to fall into this plight called "typical"?

Here's the back story.

I met this woman on a dating site in Feb of this year. Her screen name eluded to there being "no drama" but she was obviously pregnant in her picture. I personally couldn't see how there could be no drama.

We met, and she "kept me around" because I didn't get on her nerves.

She always had this volatility that kind of rested under the surface. I had the feeling that I settled her and that she needed that kind of settling in her life.

But... with all of that said, she was like my "road dog" - I would hang out over her house, she would hang out over my house.

For 9 months 3 out of 4 weekends a month I was at her house or she was at mine.

I am sure she was attached.

I was attached.

But I communicated to her that I would never date her.

I was like the Dad to her child that her "baby daddy" never was. I was her baby whisperer.

Then... out of the blue... I started dating someone else.

Caught her by surprise.

Caught me by surprise.

She wrote me an e-mail and said - "you're not a typical male, but what you did was pretty typical."

Yes... it probably was.

She will never know how much I care for her or why I couldn't date her...

I suck.

Okay...

So... apparently, I'm dating.

I met this woman a couple weeks ago. She's 30, and she kind of thinks like me, uses some of the same phrases that I use... it's almost like my house has been bugged.

Anyway, I'm probably going to be blogging here... to make sure that I keep my mind right.

I don't want another Abby incident.

More later...