The Ugly Truth

Okay...

I think it's time I came out of the closet.

Over the past few years I've met a lot of women and rarely dated any of them.

I used the excuse that they weren't quite what I was looking for. When people would ask me what I was looking for, I would be very vague.

Well, it's time for me to come out of the closet and really explain in detail the type of person that I'm looking for.

First and foremost? She has to be a woman.

No surprises there...

What's next?

Everyone has their superficial list - I am no different. I would prefer someone between 4'11 and 5'4 tall, blah blah blah... but there's more to it than the superficial.

First, I am looking for a woman that has a deep faith in God.

I am a man of faith. I'm not perfect. I've made mistakes, but I generally across my life have always tried to be a man of God.

When I am with a true woman of God it frees me up to not compromise. I can spread my wings and do a relationship the only way that I really know how. It is a powerful thing to join hands with the person that you are with and pray. It's powerful. Very powerful.

To extend that... when I can open up my Bible and have a conversation about what I believe and talk with someone that brings the same fervor to the table is incredible.

There are many different bonds that exist between people. There's attraction, animal attraction, lust, love... sexual... the list goes on. When it's based on something deeper, then it feels different.

At least to me.

Other than that? She has to be attractive to me, and attractive to me takes on many different forms.

Now... the secret is out...

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Praise begins...

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Going to a new church is always interesting. I am always interested as to whether or not people will actually come up and speak... more on that later...

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So... I am trying out a new church today. I am sitting in their coffe bar - The Aroma Missions Cafe waiting for 9am...

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I think I will mobblog today. Expect updates from my phone all day!

An epiphany... of sorts...

So… the light bulb goes off today. Not in the sense that things were made darker, but in the sense that I had a moment of enlightenment.

I’m not sure that this is going to make a lot of sense to anyone but me… but here goes.

I am pretty sure that I’ve been inflicting my loneliness on other people. I’ve never really thought about that much until this morning. Sometimes there’s a part of me that really wants to be a part of community, even if it’s a community of 2 that I will allow my loneliness to become a little “over indulgent” and come across as interest to some unsuspecting soul that is really no better off than I am.

Now, I’m not saying this is always my modus operandi. It doesn’t hold true for people that I genuinely like… but people who are on the periphery? People that suck life from me? Maybe it’s my own pathos in a passive aggressive way to suck the life out of them the way they suck the life out of me.

I’m not sure.

Maybe it’s because I wasn’t hugged enough as a child and looking longingly into someone’s eyes and offering a deep embrace yields the illusion of love as I try to throw shovels of dirt into a chasm the size of the Grand Canyon so I can fill this hole that’s been growing in my heart.

What I do know is that I’m nearing 41 years old and pretending that this isn’t a fact of my life and just trying to wander around trying to find a path around it just isn’t working any more.

I’m not sure when I deviated from my path…

I suck

11:45pm

And my alarm clock is not set for 5am... but for 4:30am.

I am not asleep. I have a slight twinge in my lower back from laying improperly so I can type on my computer. I'm watching the move "Love Happens" again in hopes of finding some meaning.

Honestly, I know that meaning isn't going to come from a movie... it may be found in a book.

So... maybe... just maybe I'm creating a diversion.

It's not only possible, but it's probable.

So, here's what's on my mind for the evening.

I keep people at arms length. It's self preservation. If you keep people from getting close, then there is no chance that they will hurt you.

Sometimes, I'm still that wounded kid that grew up in central NY.

I've been in protection mode for so long, I'm not sure I know how to tear down the walls.

There... 3 truths... 3 truths that sum up who I am...

"Devote 5 minutes a day to smiling... just smiling, and after a while, it will come naturally" - that leading character in the movie that I'm watching just said that.

There's a lot of truth in that. It falls into the make it until you fake it category.

I think it's time I close my eyes and pretend to sleep. I'll write on those 3 things later on in the week.

Peace yo.

Automagic

Lately, I have been on automatic. A lot like those automatic watches. You know, the ones that you wear on your wrist that wind automatically when you wear them on your wrist and walk?

It's kind of like if I keep moving, everything will be okay.

The truth is, time marches on. That's the only thing that happens.

It doesn't solve problems. It doesn't change your life. Time... just moves on.

MAN! When did I become that person?

I don't agonize over my life, I just listen to the lives of others and nod my head at their dismay. But, no matter how dismal their lives are... they are in them... they are feeling them.

A long time ago, I promised myself that I was not going to ever lie to myself.

Now it's time to put test this.

So... self... what the heck is wrong with you. I want to know the answer!