Why am I sad?

I cried the other day. The only reason that I had to offer for this was that it was because I was sad.

The question is - why am I sad?

I think it all comes to the fact that my life has become a big oxymoron. (Most peoples lives are filled with irony - I just had to be different...)

An oxymoron is a combination of contradictory or incongruous words (as cruel kindness) ; something (as a concept) that is made up of contradictory or incongruous elements.

I chose the picture of Mr Edward Cullen because he is the latest thing in pop culture that represents an oxymoron. He is, after all, a vegetarian vampire

What am I? I have drifted into something worse - a carnal Christian. A carnal Christian is one that has drifted away from his "first love" and has attempted to substitute the sufficiency of his relationship with Christ with things that are in this present world.

By saying this, I am not insinuating that as Christians we should not bother with things that are in this world - like work, life, love, recreation... the list goes on. What I am saying is that my overwhelming sadness is because I walk contrary to those things that I hold true in my heart.

As a result of certain compromises that I make, I become emotionally unavailable to those around me because I do not want to feel the over all remorse for taking such a great gift that has been given to me so lightly.

I know... this is all written so cryptically that even theologians would scratch their head and wonder what's going on in my head.

Let me explain... no, let me sum up... Making an attempt to live contrary to who you are can have severe impact on your life and the lives of those around you. You will never be happy because in the long run, you will always try to fill a void that was created by you not being true to who you are at your core.

That is how I have been living my life - ignoring the fact that in my core - I love God and want to please him. And the life that I have chosen to live as of late has been pushing me in a direction far from where he is. This is a thirst that I can no longer deny.