Something is bothering me.
Lately, I have been on edge. I find myself pacing throughout the house at 1 or 2 am… getting up at 6 am to prepare for work.
I can’t put my finger on what it is that’s bothering me, but I’m so afraid of whatever it is that I basically come home – lock my keys away and hang on to what ever is sturdy to keep from leaving the house because I can’t trust the mood that I’m in.
I frequently fight my inner demons, but this time they are swarming around my head with a vengeance.
I read others blogs and I’m envious because they know what it is that they’re fighting. But in my world, it’s always changing – a new twist – a new turn.
When I think I’ve put my finger on the pulse of what it is – there’s a subtle change.
What’s worse is that my job is going to have me start traveling again. Traveling spins me into isolation. You’re in one location during the week – so it’s very difficult to make new friends because people have to go to work the next day. Weekends are usually for playing catch up and doing laundry, yard work.
There’s one thing when you’re practicing solitude. You can always end that at any time.
It’s completely different having it thrust upon you.
Friends of mine tell me that there’s a purpose for this. That maybe there’s a lesson to be learned.
What I do know is that I was learning my lessons… my diet has changed for the better. I’m working out. I’m practicing my guitar – for real this time. My heart was set on working with Providence… and now a monkey wrench is being thrown into this.
Honestly, I should be more upset than I am, but I’ve taken all my emotions and misplaced them somewhere – so all I have is this feeling of indifference that says move forward – keep fighting and be diligent at fighting for my survival.
I see why people drink. I see why people do drugs. I see why people become promiscuous. I see why people are adrenaline junkies. I see why people participate in risky behavior.
Just to feel.
Okay… I know I’ve rambled… but all I see are random images floating around in my brain and these were the only ones I could grasp.
Pay attention God. I’m falling now.
Lately, I have been on edge. I find myself pacing throughout the house at 1 or 2 am… getting up at 6 am to prepare for work.
I can’t put my finger on what it is that’s bothering me, but I’m so afraid of whatever it is that I basically come home – lock my keys away and hang on to what ever is sturdy to keep from leaving the house because I can’t trust the mood that I’m in.
I frequently fight my inner demons, but this time they are swarming around my head with a vengeance.
I read others blogs and I’m envious because they know what it is that they’re fighting. But in my world, it’s always changing – a new twist – a new turn.
When I think I’ve put my finger on the pulse of what it is – there’s a subtle change.
What’s worse is that my job is going to have me start traveling again. Traveling spins me into isolation. You’re in one location during the week – so it’s very difficult to make new friends because people have to go to work the next day. Weekends are usually for playing catch up and doing laundry, yard work.
There’s one thing when you’re practicing solitude. You can always end that at any time.
It’s completely different having it thrust upon you.
Friends of mine tell me that there’s a purpose for this. That maybe there’s a lesson to be learned.
What I do know is that I was learning my lessons… my diet has changed for the better. I’m working out. I’m practicing my guitar – for real this time. My heart was set on working with Providence… and now a monkey wrench is being thrown into this.
Honestly, I should be more upset than I am, but I’ve taken all my emotions and misplaced them somewhere – so all I have is this feeling of indifference that says move forward – keep fighting and be diligent at fighting for my survival.
I see why people drink. I see why people do drugs. I see why people become promiscuous. I see why people are adrenaline junkies. I see why people participate in risky behavior.
Just to feel.
Okay… I know I’ve rambled… but all I see are random images floating around in my brain and these were the only ones I could grasp.
Pay attention God. I’m falling now.
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