Loneliness

I've decided to start naming my demons - and to talk about when we first met.

One of the first demons that I had the opportunity to encounter was loneliness.

Loneliness goes back as far as I can remember. I hear her voice more clearly than any others as she whispers in my ear that we are destined to be together forever.

I first met loneliness when I was 5. We were living in Italy at the time. I had the opportunity to attend an Italian kindergarten. OK... tons of points for wanting me to experience another culture - An overwhelming amount of negative points for thrusting an introverted child into that experience. I can recall not even being able to ask the teacher if I could go to the bathroom - which was torture at that age. I remember not being able to contain the dull ache of my bladder anymore and the warm sensation of ... well, let's just say it wasn't a hug of comfort.

We left New York and went to a small town in NY. This city was 49.9% Irish Catholic, 49.9% Italian Catholic. Most of the 0.2% other lived on the other side of town… on the other side of the tracks. This was also during the early 1970’s – the Civil Rights movement in the south had just really ended in 1968 – although the North was supposed to be more progressive, it’s a different story when someone moves next door. This feeling was compounded by having a mother that did not trust anyone based upon things that she experienced during her youth.

I have 3 older siblings and 1 younger sibling. The youngest of the oldest is 8 years older than me and the youngest is 9 years younger than me. So, I had this weird stage where I was overlooked in my own family. Having a baby sister and older siblings that were getting married and going to college. Loneliness embraced me again.

I went to a drinking college – I’m not a drinker.

I went to a Historically Black College – wasn’t quite black enough… whatever that means.

Even in my marriage… I recall feelings of isolation.

So… you can imagine the spiral that I felt when the warm embrace of loneliness embraced me as I get ready to travel again.

Hello loneliness. It’s nice to see you again.