Self-control

Self-control is another demon that I face.

Some people say self-control is a good thing... it keeps you from eating too many Krispy Kreme donuts...

But there's a different type of self-control that I'm talking about. The type of self-control that leads to self loathing.

My cousin Vic once said

...I've spent my whole life trying to be in control of myself. But I dislike
any one or any situation that tries to control me. So, check this out. My trying
to control myself just causes me to dislike myself. I'm finally understanding
it.I should just let me be.

Okay...

I don't drink. Why? Self-control.

I don't do drugs... Self-control.

I'm not dating... Freakin' Self-control.

Eating healthy... Self-control... again.

Working out... Yep, Self-control.

The list goes on...

I've frequently described myself as a "control freak" - where the only thing that I control is myself... so as a result, occasionally I rebel against myself.

How messed up is that?

Could it also be that my loneliness is a result of Self-control constricting my ability to be free?

How long has my life been driven by these things?

Why is it that now... after all this time I can see it all so clearly?