Only seemingly contradictory...

I am a bundle of contradictions. On one hand I can put "fat" pictures of me on the internet for the whole world to see... I talk frankly about what I struggle with and how I struggle. On the other hand, for my friends, I keep them all at arms length.

The ball of contradiction that I am is like the sign pictured here that simultaneously wants people to enter in, but I have this big DANGER sign that says don't enter.

Why is that?

I think it's really easy for me to put things in my blog because I don't personally know many of the people that read it. For many of the people that do read it, I frequently use this as a vehicle to say things to them that I wouldn't be able to say under ordinary circumstances.

People that read this blog WANT to read it.

Therein lies my dilemma. I don't open up in real life because I am ultimately afraid that people will reject the notion of who I am for being way too dark (not in color, but in personality *wink, nudge*)

In all honesty, I'm really a light hearted goofball with a quirky sense of humor. I have a biting sarcastic wit... I see subtle irony that exists as a subtext to the situation.

To the people that have managed to weather the storm and make it to the inside, they understand that despite the occasional social faux pas, I am a dedicated and loyal friend and a confidante.

The problem is… that this side doesn’t really come out… until I am comfortable enough to let you in to my world.

What I’m not sure is to how to let the worlds collide. I’m not sure how to be my affable self until the wall comes down.

In truth, the walls don’t come down.

You either scale the wall… or I open the gates and let you in. And thus I have come full circle to where I was freakin’ months ago with no attainable change. I have come around to the same point again.

I keep putting myself out there… but there is no change.

So I must change.

Humble Beginnings

Well… this is me… 226 pounds. 44% Body fat. Sucks. I know how I got here. Slowly, deliberately. I miss being 180 pounds of rippling muscle. Every year I say I’m going to start the process of getting back in shape. I’ve been doing it every year since I was 30.

Honestly, this is an improvement. A few years ago I weighed 275. I recall how much hard work and dedication went into losing 50 pounds. I’m also really proud of myself for maintaining without weight gain over the last 2 years.

Well, I’m making the big push again… honestly. Target? To lose 35 pounds… get down to 190.

The key is proper diet and a lot of exercise. The hard part is staying motivated. So, I’m going to use this blog in order to give you weekly updates as to how I’m doing.

So… here is my starting point… Monday check in… 226 pounds… 44% body fat. Arrrrgh…

Emotionally unbalanced... but in a good way.

I admit it. I'm emotionally unbalanced... but in a good way. My overall emotional state is... stoic. Always even. I chuckle when appropriate... I chuckle when it's not appropriate.

The only time that I cry, honestly, is when I talk about growing up in Rome. When I talk about not fitting in. When I talk about people that I wanted to befriend that I couldn't connect with.

So... that's 2 emotional states. Stoic and Sad.

So, what I've decided is that in order for me to find true balance - regain emotional balance - is to process the anger and sadness that I feel about growing up where I did... on the outside.

I talk about it... but I think I need to embrace it.

I'll add that to my 3 year plan... this one may take a while...

She never stood a chance...

I admit it... I'm introspective. And I never lie to myself. I am insatiable and I will always... always dig down to the truth - no matter how painful it is.

I had yet and still another revelation this morning while doing my morning workout.

Are you ready? Are you sitting down?

My marriage never stood a chance. And I think I may have been the root cause.

Okay... here's the back story...

Take one person (me) that has never managed to figure out how to fit into the world.

Take one person (my ex) that appears to be likeable by the world, but is ultimately insecure.

Put these 2 people together and it's a recipe for disaster.

I made no qualms about it, I really didn't feel like I fit in at all - even in the marriage... a place where I should have ultimately felt safe, I didn't. I couldn't quite figure out how to relate. Neither of us could relate, no relationship, disaster.

I think that's part of the reason that I now obsess on building relationships now.

The difference now is I recognize these things. I can articulate these things... Should I choose to get into another relationship, we can at least discuss these things from the beginning. Definitely a better chance for success.

It's just a shame that it took this long to get to this point on my journey to sanity.

Uncomfortably numb

Laughter is cheap and easy because it can be done without truly having to emotionally invest. Laughter doesn't require you to be happy or full of joy to experience it. It's really kind of this throw away thing that you can do - to make people think all is well in your world.

Laughing works when you want to convey the fact that you're nervous, uncomfortable, contentment... a whole range of "notions" that makes people think that you're emotionally balanced - when in fact? You're numb.

In all honesty, in order to be truly emotionally balanced it requires investment and risk. You have to be willing to invest yourself in a situation... in a moment... with a person...

Why am I talking about this? I went to see a play yesterday. “Dog Sees God. Confessions of a Teenage Blockhead.” This play is a spoof of Peanuts where Snoopy is put to sleep after contracting rabies and killing Woodstock. It’s all about CB’s quest for meaning after this event.

DSG is a 2 act play. The first act is really very funny. Laugh out loud funny. Act 2 is really dark and serious and emotionally touching. When did I get to a point where I couldn’t invest in a moment in a dark theatre full of anonymous strangers?

My 1 year goal… to become emotionally honest. Embrace the risk of feeling.

Advice needed...

Church has always been my primary social outlet. My "friends" have always been people at the church that I talk with at church related functions 2 or 3 times a week. That's primarily why I put the word "friends" in quotes. They aren't really friends, just people that I'm social with. I haven't quite managed to transition the friendship out of the events like others seam to be able to.

The dilemma. Under ordinary circumstances, my Social Anxiety Disorder causes me to really think that people are disinterested, but Sunday - I honestly believe people were actually walking in the other direction when I was approaching. To test the theory... I tried 2 or 3 times and saw the same thing occur.

I think it's because I offended someone in the group because of my uncomfortability in social settings - at times I can come across as stand-offish because it's not a comfortable situation to be in when your heart starts beating faster... palms start sweating... mouth dries.... brain starts racing... eyes look up at the ceiling when talking to people...

My question is... should I tell people that I suffer from this problem? Would they believe me? There are times when we've gone out in social situations and I've been "half-normal" - at a real great effort...

I really don't know what I should do in this situation. Help... or advice welcomed. Seriously.

A rare aside....

This picture is making it's rounds via e-mail. If you haven't seen it, you probably will soon. The body of the e-mail reads something like this:

"If you're going to make a false id, make sure it's not a picture of you... and your girlfriend"

SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder)

For years I have suffered from Social Anxiety Order - which can be confused with being extremely shy... it's really gotten worse. I've always relied on my "adapted style" - which is basically to look for a need, then feed that need - allowing being busy to cover up my basic social fear.

But now that I'm on sabbatical, without the ability to throw myself into my adapted style, unless my interactions are utilitarian I really am having difficulty talking with people, unless it's in one-on-one situations.

Honestly, I've never really understood how to act in a group setting. I tend to be very quiet, always wondering what people are thinking about me - whether I get the approval. At the end of the evening I go home and wonder if the words I said were the correct ones... wondering why my phone didn't ring...

It's a terrible terrible terrible condition to have. I have been like this my whole life and it even effects the way that I interact with my own immediate family (Mom, Dad, brothers/sisters). It's even worse when dealing with people that I don't know.

It's really gotten to the point that I don't leave my house unless I have to. Then I toss on my sunglasses and put my in ear sound isolation ear buds in. I'm all business - go out, do what I have to do and don't interact with anyone.

The funny thing is that I am really fine in a one-on-one situation. In a larger group, I just get lost because I don't understand the dynamic.

My short term goal for the next 6 months is to put myself into small group settings and to learn to interact in small group settings without it being utilitarian... strictly social.

Wish me luck.

Life in Reverse

Sometimes, I think I've lived my life in reverse.
When I was 9 years old, I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life. I knew that I wanted to be a computer scientist. I studied hard to learn binary math, multiple programming languages - all before I went to college. How many people enter college, knowing what they are going to major in... and get to major in their hobby?
I got married in my early 20's because I was ready to be married - and for the most part, was a decent husband and an excellent Father.
Now... I'm not sure what it is that I want to do from a career perspective. Socially... I'm kind of - out of balance... it's really... odd.
I'm going to have to go back to the beginning... back to the things that really helped me through life.
I need to make plans - 6 months, 1 years, 3 years, 5 years...
I'll post about it ... soon.

Just because...

Just because you can see doesn't mean that you can see.

I remember when my oldest son had his first eye checkup. When we took him in to pick up his glasses I remember what happened when we walked outside. He looked up and saw the clouds, the trees across the street - his whole world was brought into sharp focus and on the whole trip home he was looking out the window at what appeared to be a new world.

I had a series of these moments over the past month. When my contract ended leaving me unemployed for the time being, I've found myself with a lot of free time (in between job hunting). I've found out a lot about myself spiritually, emotionally, physically. I now view myself in a whole new light.

Things are falling into sharp focus... over the next couple weeks I'm going to start posting about these changes in my life. The things that I'm struggling with... this... could be interesting.