For years I have suffered from Social Anxiety Order - which can be confused with being extremely shy... it's really gotten worse. I've always relied on my "adapted style" - which is basically to look for a need, then feed that need - allowing being busy to cover up my basic social fear.
But now that I'm on sabbatical, without the ability to throw myself into my adapted style, unless my interactions are utilitarian I really am having difficulty talking with people, unless it's in one-on-one situations.
Honestly, I've never really understood how to act in a group setting. I tend to be very quiet, always wondering what people are thinking about me - whether I get the approval. At the end of the evening I go home and wonder if the words I said were the correct ones... wondering why my phone didn't ring...
It's a terrible terrible terrible condition to have. I have been like this my whole life and it even effects the way that I interact with my own immediate family (Mom, Dad, brothers/sisters). It's even worse when dealing with people that I don't know.
It's really gotten to the point that I don't leave my house unless I have to. Then I toss on my sunglasses and put my in ear sound isolation ear buds in. I'm all business - go out, do what I have to do and don't interact with anyone.
The funny thing is that I am really fine in a one-on-one situation. In a larger group, I just get lost because I don't understand the dynamic.
My short term goal for the next 6 months is to put myself into small group settings and to learn to interact in small group settings without it being utilitarian... strictly social.
Wish me luck.
1 comment:
You know what's almost as bad as having it? People who refuse to try to understand it. That always seems to be my issue - the fact that people don't care anything about understanding why I am the way I am. They just want me to appear, entertain, and disappear strictly when it's convenient for them.
People piss me off.
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