Only seemingly contradictory...

I am a bundle of contradictions. On one hand I can put "fat" pictures of me on the internet for the whole world to see... I talk frankly about what I struggle with and how I struggle. On the other hand, for my friends, I keep them all at arms length.

The ball of contradiction that I am is like the sign pictured here that simultaneously wants people to enter in, but I have this big DANGER sign that says don't enter.

Why is that?

I think it's really easy for me to put things in my blog because I don't personally know many of the people that read it. For many of the people that do read it, I frequently use this as a vehicle to say things to them that I wouldn't be able to say under ordinary circumstances.

People that read this blog WANT to read it.

Therein lies my dilemma. I don't open up in real life because I am ultimately afraid that people will reject the notion of who I am for being way too dark (not in color, but in personality *wink, nudge*)

In all honesty, I'm really a light hearted goofball with a quirky sense of humor. I have a biting sarcastic wit... I see subtle irony that exists as a subtext to the situation.

To the people that have managed to weather the storm and make it to the inside, they understand that despite the occasional social faux pas, I am a dedicated and loyal friend and a confidante.

The problem is… that this side doesn’t really come out… until I am comfortable enough to let you in to my world.

What I’m not sure is to how to let the worlds collide. I’m not sure how to be my affable self until the wall comes down.

In truth, the walls don’t come down.

You either scale the wall… or I open the gates and let you in. And thus I have come full circle to where I was freakin’ months ago with no attainable change. I have come around to the same point again.

I keep putting myself out there… but there is no change.

So I must change.