Mother %&(#$#@$

I have a lot of unresolved anger. I'll admit it. I keep it bottled up inside. When something ticks me off I add another little bottle to my pantry.

The problem is that my pantry is so full of little freakin' bottles that there's no room for happiness, joy, love.

That... and I compensate with being overly polite and nice because I know deep down inside I am riddled with a lot of hatred and anger.

For this reason, I don't easily give love or friendship, or anything because I know what lives on the inside. There's the constant fear of being exposed.

So,  here ya freakin' go. I'm going to take a moment to get this off my chest. The things that TICK ME OFF!

This may take a while, because I want this to be a true catharsis.

I'll start from the top... Mom.

Mom, you stifled my growth. you thought you were being protective by not allowing me to go over peoples houses or go to a lot of after school activities - but this is where you learn how to be social.

I remember being a teenager asking you if I could go outside and you said I could go outside, but I had to stay on the front porch. We lived in a SAFE neighborhood where everyone truly knew everyone.

Even now, you use your fears of strangers and others to try to hinder my social life.

I am angry at you because you have always tried to give me your life. A life where you stay at home and talk with people on the phone and experience life vicariously through their eyes.

You've succeeded Mom... you have succeeded.

You tell me that I am so much like my Dad, but as I talk with people that knew him - they all say he was social and affable.

I have inherited your lack of social skills.

For that reason? I am alone. Unable to give love.

I recall being at family functions and seeing Mom sit in a different room as we all interact with each other. Uncomfortable with her own family.

I am my Mother's child.

And I hate this.