WHY???

I know I have friends... I talked with a lot of them over the last few days.

I know my family loves me... they tell me regularly.

I just have one question.

Why do I feel alone?

Alone is the only emotion that I feel regularly.

Depression is easy for me to fight. I embrace it and plod along.

Loneliness is a different fiend. I try to embrace her and she gropes me and sticks her tongue down my throat. Leaving me laying there... violated in a heap on the floor with no one to pick up the pieces.

My next goal... overcome loneliness.

The crunchy truth...

I just got off the phone with my Pastor. We talked for about an hour... it was a good conversation.

He wanted to understand about why our marriage fell apart... what the breakdown was.

Well... here's the crunchy truth.

We were not ready to be married... and probably should not have gotten married.

The truth is, I was trying to break up with you when you told me that you were expecting. The woman that I gave my virginity to was expecting. I asked you to marry me - you said yes... the problems began.

I frequently said that you "didn't like me" - the truth is, you had dreams. There were things that you wanted to accomplish. Things you wanted to prove to yourself that you put on hold in order to try to make family work with me.

I thank you for that. It means a lot that you would try to partner with me in life.

As for me? I always wondered in the back of my head what life may have been like if I married someone else... so maybe I looked at you with a slightly judgemental eye.

I always tried... always cared... always wanted the best for you.

We both made mistakes.

It hurts me because you never bothered to get to know me, especially when I know you so well. It hurts me that you still spit words at me with venom and anger. I always try to be kind. All I've ever asked is that you just listen... I still need your help with some things... just listen. Even if we couldn't work through things while we were married for the sake of the kids can't we try something new? Can't we try to communicate?

My next goal can't be reached without you... we need to cooperate, for the sake of our kids.

Remembering how to fly

I am an optimist... or t least I was.

When I look at the things that I've written I do not see hope.

I see sadness. Hopelessness. Dispair.

I see the walking dead. A person stuck in a snowglobe - an imitation of life.

When did I stop dreaming of flying and start dreaming of rocks - where worms, ants and maggots live?

My next goal? Remembering how to soar.

Psychiatric help...

I was talking with Mica, a friend of mine that lives in North Carolina.

She said - "You should see a psychiatrist..."

I laughed for a moment, then said - "That would be depressing."

Here's the deal. I have a lot of close friends. They are just scattered around the country. (The distance brings its own safety, I can talk with them without the fear of there being judgemental looks, disapproving stares...)

Therapy would be depressing because it feeds into my primary fear... that the only reason that they would be talking with me was because I'm paying them.

My 2nd goal is to get local friends that I can be open and honest with.

Snow globes and Knights Codes...

I choose to believe that chivalry is not dead.

I have a strong belief in God which strengthens me to make it through the day - even when the path seams dark and insurmountable.

I live my life by a Knights Code in an era of thieves and selfish tyrants.

It's a philosophy that I've grown to rely on and it is so much a part of me that I don't even think about it anymore.

The actions are natural.

Unfortunately, it has also become my crutch.

Lately, I've been trying to find how I feel about things and it's always at an emotional distance. Almost as thought I'm looking at life through a snow globe. I don't know if it's battle weariness or just what's needed for day to day survival.

A few posts ago I was talking about setting up goals - a mission statement - finding a purpose again.

One of my goals is to break free from my snow globe prison.

Anyone have a hammer?