Humble Beginnings

Well… this is me… 226 pounds. 44% Body fat. Sucks. I know how I got here. Slowly, deliberately. I miss being 180 pounds of rippling muscle. Every year I say I’m going to start the process of getting back in shape. I’ve been doing it every year since I was 30.

Honestly, this is an improvement. A few years ago I weighed 275. I recall how much hard work and dedication went into losing 50 pounds. I’m also really proud of myself for maintaining without weight gain over the last 2 years.

Well, I’m making the big push again… honestly. Target? To lose 35 pounds… get down to 190.

The key is proper diet and a lot of exercise. The hard part is staying motivated. So, I’m going to use this blog in order to give you weekly updates as to how I’m doing.

So… here is my starting point… Monday check in… 226 pounds… 44% body fat. Arrrrgh…

Emotionally unbalanced... but in a good way.

I admit it. I'm emotionally unbalanced... but in a good way. My overall emotional state is... stoic. Always even. I chuckle when appropriate... I chuckle when it's not appropriate.

The only time that I cry, honestly, is when I talk about growing up in Rome. When I talk about not fitting in. When I talk about people that I wanted to befriend that I couldn't connect with.

So... that's 2 emotional states. Stoic and Sad.

So, what I've decided is that in order for me to find true balance - regain emotional balance - is to process the anger and sadness that I feel about growing up where I did... on the outside.

I talk about it... but I think I need to embrace it.

I'll add that to my 3 year plan... this one may take a while...

She never stood a chance...

I admit it... I'm introspective. And I never lie to myself. I am insatiable and I will always... always dig down to the truth - no matter how painful it is.

I had yet and still another revelation this morning while doing my morning workout.

Are you ready? Are you sitting down?

My marriage never stood a chance. And I think I may have been the root cause.

Okay... here's the back story...

Take one person (me) that has never managed to figure out how to fit into the world.

Take one person (my ex) that appears to be likeable by the world, but is ultimately insecure.

Put these 2 people together and it's a recipe for disaster.

I made no qualms about it, I really didn't feel like I fit in at all - even in the marriage... a place where I should have ultimately felt safe, I didn't. I couldn't quite figure out how to relate. Neither of us could relate, no relationship, disaster.

I think that's part of the reason that I now obsess on building relationships now.

The difference now is I recognize these things. I can articulate these things... Should I choose to get into another relationship, we can at least discuss these things from the beginning. Definitely a better chance for success.

It's just a shame that it took this long to get to this point on my journey to sanity.

Uncomfortably numb

Laughter is cheap and easy because it can be done without truly having to emotionally invest. Laughter doesn't require you to be happy or full of joy to experience it. It's really kind of this throw away thing that you can do - to make people think all is well in your world.

Laughing works when you want to convey the fact that you're nervous, uncomfortable, contentment... a whole range of "notions" that makes people think that you're emotionally balanced - when in fact? You're numb.

In all honesty, in order to be truly emotionally balanced it requires investment and risk. You have to be willing to invest yourself in a situation... in a moment... with a person...

Why am I talking about this? I went to see a play yesterday. “Dog Sees God. Confessions of a Teenage Blockhead.” This play is a spoof of Peanuts where Snoopy is put to sleep after contracting rabies and killing Woodstock. It’s all about CB’s quest for meaning after this event.

DSG is a 2 act play. The first act is really very funny. Laugh out loud funny. Act 2 is really dark and serious and emotionally touching. When did I get to a point where I couldn’t invest in a moment in a dark theatre full of anonymous strangers?

My 1 year goal… to become emotionally honest. Embrace the risk of feeling.

Advice needed...

Church has always been my primary social outlet. My "friends" have always been people at the church that I talk with at church related functions 2 or 3 times a week. That's primarily why I put the word "friends" in quotes. They aren't really friends, just people that I'm social with. I haven't quite managed to transition the friendship out of the events like others seam to be able to.

The dilemma. Under ordinary circumstances, my Social Anxiety Disorder causes me to really think that people are disinterested, but Sunday - I honestly believe people were actually walking in the other direction when I was approaching. To test the theory... I tried 2 or 3 times and saw the same thing occur.

I think it's because I offended someone in the group because of my uncomfortability in social settings - at times I can come across as stand-offish because it's not a comfortable situation to be in when your heart starts beating faster... palms start sweating... mouth dries.... brain starts racing... eyes look up at the ceiling when talking to people...

My question is... should I tell people that I suffer from this problem? Would they believe me? There are times when we've gone out in social situations and I've been "half-normal" - at a real great effort...

I really don't know what I should do in this situation. Help... or advice welcomed. Seriously.

A rare aside....

This picture is making it's rounds via e-mail. If you haven't seen it, you probably will soon. The body of the e-mail reads something like this:

"If you're going to make a false id, make sure it's not a picture of you... and your girlfriend"

SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder)

For years I have suffered from Social Anxiety Order - which can be confused with being extremely shy... it's really gotten worse. I've always relied on my "adapted style" - which is basically to look for a need, then feed that need - allowing being busy to cover up my basic social fear.

But now that I'm on sabbatical, without the ability to throw myself into my adapted style, unless my interactions are utilitarian I really am having difficulty talking with people, unless it's in one-on-one situations.

Honestly, I've never really understood how to act in a group setting. I tend to be very quiet, always wondering what people are thinking about me - whether I get the approval. At the end of the evening I go home and wonder if the words I said were the correct ones... wondering why my phone didn't ring...

It's a terrible terrible terrible condition to have. I have been like this my whole life and it even effects the way that I interact with my own immediate family (Mom, Dad, brothers/sisters). It's even worse when dealing with people that I don't know.

It's really gotten to the point that I don't leave my house unless I have to. Then I toss on my sunglasses and put my in ear sound isolation ear buds in. I'm all business - go out, do what I have to do and don't interact with anyone.

The funny thing is that I am really fine in a one-on-one situation. In a larger group, I just get lost because I don't understand the dynamic.

My short term goal for the next 6 months is to put myself into small group settings and to learn to interact in small group settings without it being utilitarian... strictly social.

Wish me luck.

Life in Reverse

Sometimes, I think I've lived my life in reverse.
When I was 9 years old, I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life. I knew that I wanted to be a computer scientist. I studied hard to learn binary math, multiple programming languages - all before I went to college. How many people enter college, knowing what they are going to major in... and get to major in their hobby?
I got married in my early 20's because I was ready to be married - and for the most part, was a decent husband and an excellent Father.
Now... I'm not sure what it is that I want to do from a career perspective. Socially... I'm kind of - out of balance... it's really... odd.
I'm going to have to go back to the beginning... back to the things that really helped me through life.
I need to make plans - 6 months, 1 years, 3 years, 5 years...
I'll post about it ... soon.

Just because...

Just because you can see doesn't mean that you can see.

I remember when my oldest son had his first eye checkup. When we took him in to pick up his glasses I remember what happened when we walked outside. He looked up and saw the clouds, the trees across the street - his whole world was brought into sharp focus and on the whole trip home he was looking out the window at what appeared to be a new world.

I had a series of these moments over the past month. When my contract ended leaving me unemployed for the time being, I've found myself with a lot of free time (in between job hunting). I've found out a lot about myself spiritually, emotionally, physically. I now view myself in a whole new light.

Things are falling into sharp focus... over the next couple weeks I'm going to start posting about these changes in my life. The things that I'm struggling with... this... could be interesting.

Choices

I've been spending a lot of time thinking about choices. Life is full of choices, and we are blessed or cursed by the decisions that we make.

The Moth

Okay... I'm a little behind the times. I'm finally catching up on the series "Lost" - I'm watching it online... starting from season 1.

The person in the image plays the character "Charlie" - a heroin addicted rock star.

As he is trying to rid himself of his habit on the show, with the assistance of Locke, they have this conversation... about a Moth.

Locke shows Charlie a cocoon and asks him what he thinks is inside. Then goes on to explain that moths are stronger than butterflies - how they spin silk for their cocoon. How they have to struggle in order to emerge as their transformed self. How - without struggle, the moth will not survive.

We, as people - hate to struggle. We want the quick fix. The easy way out. But... what about the struggle? The strength that we achieve by struggle?

So... for anyone who's ever climbed out of a cocoon... have any tips? Pointers? Encouragement?

Maku mozo!

Japanese.

"Don't be deluded" - "Don't Daydream"

It's an interesting philosophy. Keep your eye on the prize.

This has been a very rough 2008. But things are looking up.

Dad is out of the hospital and in a rehab facility where he is getting physical therapy - getting stronger. He's talking. Was moving. Until he fell. Minor setback. But hopefully, now that he's out of the hospital, he's keeping his eye on the prize and is concentrating on getting well.

From my perspective - the job hunt is going SLOW. I had my first interview. It was a good interview for a position that I would love to have... but I can't be deluded. I have to concentrate. Stay focused.

The interesting thing is this...

When I was married - when I had our sons living here, my ex-wife - an intact family I used to wallow in depression. A LOT.

Incapacitating depression.

I've talked about it before. The depression was based on despair and an incredible feeling of being alone.

Now, I am alone.

Now, I am jobless.

Now, I have every reason to experience hopelessness, depression... but you know what?

I emotionally feel... good.

Well, scratch that... I'm still kind of numb (I've talked about that before too). I don't feel.

But I am not depressed.

And I am not deluded or daydreaming.

I am... trying to find focus.

Back to warfare...

What I am about to write isn't so you will pity me.

It's so you will be encouraged.

Here's how my year started...

While working in Denver, I received a phone call from my contracting agency letting me know my contract had been terminated.

Great. Unemployed.

I've started my job hunt... no problem - spirits are good.

Decide to work out... go downstairs to my treadmill...

Great. It's skipping. Needs to be repaired.

While looking at my treadmill I look up at my drop tile ceiling in the basement and notice a growing water spot. Leak?

Not 1 leak... but 2 leaks. The coupling to one of the sinks in the kitchen needed to be tightened. I fixed that.

Great. High pressure water feed to my dishwasher is leaking.

Oh... and my Dad who has been battling cancer was hospitalized. Radiation esophogitis and Colitis. Basically, the radiation to treat the last nodules in his throat. This caused his throat to become irritated - causing him not to be able to eat, drink or take his meds.

Due to not being able to eat/drink for several days Dad ended up in the hospital - malnourished and dehydrated.

Great. Dad's in the hospital.

When I got there, it was difficult to take a look at him. Several people from his church had stopped by and left in complete tears. When I got there, my Dad - who is a man of faith said "I am ready to see my master" - he was ready just to let it all end there. My Dad - who has always been a profile in courage for me was what appeared to be the end.

His voice was barely above a whisper, every breath was strained.

He just asked for one thing... that we pray. So I stayed there with him... praying with him. Holding his hand. Until I went home to bring my Mom in for a couple hours. We stayed for a few hours and Dad in a voice that was really strained looked up at Mom and me and said:

"I prayed for the strength to persevere."

I took Mom home and came back to spend the night.

Around 2:30 in the morning, Dad sat up in the bed. I asked him what he was doing. He said - "I'm going to the bathroom." I unplugged his IV from the wall... and he - under his own power - walked to the bathroom... back to the bed. Before he climbed back in bed he had one thing to say...

"Back to warfare..."

In the beginning of the year, I really felt like God was saying - "Be still and know I'm God" and every day... things look darker... harder than the day before. The question is - can you trust and have faith when things are bad as easily as when things are good?

It's tough...but I am taking a lesson from my Dad... It may be a moment before I blog again... because for me?

"It's back to warfare..."

Life...

In the movie Jurassic Park, Jeff Goldblums character says "Life will find a way." I tend to disagree with that statement. It is my belief that life gets in the way.

There are times when you think everything is well in hand - something changes.

Well, life got in the way for me yesterday.

I'm really not at liberty to discuss this at length right now, but I think my creative endeavors are going to have to be placed on hold for a while.

During this time, I am going to work on the priorities - Work, Life, Home - making sure that I'm in a place where all of these are aligned with each other in a way that brings peace.

I will be posting in regards to this more important journey... but it may be a little cryptic until... but I'll try to share what I can.

2008... it's already turning out to be an interesting year.

Reading...

I rediscovered my love affair with reading last night. It's starting off as a rocky love affair, but we're in negotiation.

It was amazing how much my mind was wandering - how many times I had to go back and re-read the paragraphs. But it was good. Very good.

I can recall when I was younger, all I would do is read. Hours upon hours of reading. Fiction, non-fiction, historical fiction - how to's... didn't matter.

But somehow, I've migrated into the microwave culture where I have the attention span of a gnat.

Even when I look at the paragraphs that I write in my blog, they are rarely over 2 or 3 sentences.

I may have to start working on my attention span.

Any ideas on how to do this?

First story of 2008

The Ministry had promised that there would be broad and sweeping changes, but no one expected the radical changes in the direction that they had chosen. After the great war of 2065 the United Nations had been dissolved, as well as most forms autonomous government. The formal religious establishments were forced to move primarily underground and the notion of corporations had been dissolved in place of cooperative trusts.

There were some that still remembered the great experiment of democracy and personal freedoms. However, there was no underground, no one to proclaim that this new form of social reform was communism, just draped in a new name… a new color.

This is not their story. This is the wholly unremarkable story of a single creative mind that dared to have an original thought. This story… begins with a marker and a poster board.

The Ministry had promised peace through similarity. One global grocery store – Walmart. The only toothpaste, Crest. The only jobs were those in support of the ministry, which owned everything. With everyone on equal footing the theory was that there would be no envy or no hatred because as a planet there was one motto – “We are one!”

The concept of “Every man is a minister” was taught at an early age. Individual identity has been lost in an understanding that every man was his brothers keeper. Altruism has replaced the gluttony of excess that was embraced nearly 100 years earlier.

Despite the indoctrination by The Ministry since birth, Jared still had questions. An uneasy feeling had settled in the pit of his stomach. He never dared voice his opinions because it had never been done before. But today as different. He could not contain himself any longer.

Jared’s hand was trembling as he uncapped the marker. He chuckled to himself as the scent of the marker wafted towards his nostrils, “Is this what independence smells like?.” Steadying his hand he began to write the thought that had been burning in him since from the time that they were originally taught the Ministry creed: “We are one body, joined together, hands, eyes, fingers and feet. We all work together to make the Ministries heart beat.”

“I stand alone.”

The words were simple. But true. With fear in his heart, Jared walked to the city square, unfolded his banner and waved it above his head.

Bringing life... to life...

Regarding my last post, Donna said - What's the beginning, what has caused this man's frustration and expression of rage. Do you go back right now and explain or maybe you could use the rest of chapter one looking at his life in the 'now'..then go back and explain. Think about your plot and your characters will continue to come to life within the parameter of plot. You can do it!

The characters are faceless… they have no life… he… she… the abstraction of these characters to miscellaneous nameless/faceless pronouns yield themselves to a hands off approach.

I don’t have to get involved in knowing who they are – therefore, the plot will never progress.

But… what if I called him Dwane? What if I called her Jennifer? Would that make a difference?

I’m not sure.

I’m not sure because with a lot of what I write it’s art imitating life. And for the most part, life is unfinished. There are no answers. The progression of the plot would be wishful thinking.

Ultimately disappointing.

Because life does not end up like it does in the fairy tales.

Tougher than I thought...

I can write in a stream of concioussness kind of way. I can get all the ideas out, some creative cutting and pasting and things make sense.

Here is the first example of the struggle that I'm going to be facing with my creativitiy.

I offer you... an example of the struggles that I face when writing. Enjoy.

Our story begins with our hero rubbing his bloodied knuckles, slowly moving his hand to his mouth to taste the sticky redness. It wasn’t often that he had these intense moments of what could best be described as … passion? … frustration? I can’t really tell from my vantage point, but the one thing that I know for sure is that he couldn’t really tell which hurt more, his knuckles – or his heart.

He looked at their picture on the wall inches away from the newly formed hole was – traces of red mingled with the blue tint of the paint and the chalkiness of the drywall. Wondering what it was about her that was so endearing to him. After all, she never smiled in the spring time - not even when the flowers bloomed. She wasn’t happy when the summer breeze flowed through her hair, or when the butterflies… flittered through the air. He remembered the way she would say “paisley was her favorite shade of purple.” And how she believed those words to be true. But they hadn’t been talking lately. He whispered to her smiling face – “Now that you’re gone, paisley is a lonely shade of blue.”

See? It starts off good. Then... out of nowhere, my mind loses focus. Delightful. When did this start happening?

The Creative Process

Being creative is difficult.

A lot of time I depend inspiration... the initial thought that comes to me in the waking hours. But roughing out the idea after that?

I admit it... I take the easy way out. I take the first thoughts that come to mind. I don't work out the melody or the words... I take the easy way out.... and I hate it.

My creative process start s and stops at Insight.

Part of living intentionally this year is to go through the incubation process, work throuth the frustration and go through the preparation process to get the good final idea.

So... part of this blog is going to be based on my creative side... my writing, comedy, short stories and observations.

Wish me luck!

Song for the new year...

Be still and know I am God.

Be still and know I am God.

'Though problems may come your way.

It's night when it should be day.

Be still and know I am God.