Selfishness

I consider myself to be a very altruistic person. I generally think of others before myself... often to my detriment. This has been my mode of operation for years... and now I am beginning to see that this line of thinking doesn't always work.

As a result, I've started doing something that has surprised friends of mine.

I've started saying good bye.

It's not that I just hit them with a full on good bye and blind side them... well, to some, it's just a good bye...

But to others... others that I have invested in over the years, I have tried to explain to them the way that they have consistently treated me over the years... that their occasional show of concern that pops up only when I'm not there to listen to what's going on in their world is not quite enough.

I am not sure how everyone has gotten into this twisted self preservation mode.

It's crazy.

You take a moment to get to know someone and all of a sudden they start pulling back whenever there is a hint of closeness.

It frustrates me to no end.

A while ago I wrote about finding my tribe.

What I understand now is that I can't find my tribe because I'm surrounded by too many people that belong to a different way of thinking.

I need to go on a proverbial walkabout and find my people...

The ones that are willing to risk closeness.

A double standard exists...

Okay... as much as I hate to admit it, I think I may have a double standard when it comes to the women that I choose to be interested in.

Now, whether black, white, latina or asian there are some qualities that I find attractive.

I dig women with wide eyes, a broad smile, angular face...

I'm a sucker for those qualities.

Now... there are some differences...

I prefer to date women that are between size 6 and 14. If it's a white woman I would go as high as a size 18... if she's black? I wouldn't go higher than a 10-12.

See? That's a bias!

There are other biases that I have as well.

I just realized this... not sure what I'm going to do about it.

Bothers me tho.

Finding the happy place...

There are a few important life lessons that I find that I need to remember from time to time.

One of them is that others should not dictate your happiness. They may mess with your world for a few moments, but in the grand scheme of things? At worse case it should be a temporary thing... right?

So, I'm dedicating this weekend to finding my happy place.

See ya!

I am enough...

Nothing messes with your self esteem like being on a dating site.

I am not sure why I do it... but every once in a while... I do it.

This time? I think I'm taking it all a little too personally.

I know that I am a reasonably attractive guy. I know that I have a huge heart and an incredible capacity to love. I know a lot of things...

But when it all comes down to it, the people that are attracted to me vastly differ from the people that I am interested in.

I think I deserve someone that doesn't weigh 300 pounds. I deserve someone that can take a picture where they actually have combed their hair and have some pride in their appearance. I deserve someone that will at least pretend they know how to spell by running a spell check before they put up their profile.

But that's not what I attract.

That's what messes with my self esteem.

E-harmony

Match

It's all the same.

I quit.

Sadness

I'm sad...

For the first time in a long time I really feel unlovable.

When there is someone that is standing in your corner... that you can go home to and give them a big hug and you know that they have your back and the success of your partnership depends on the efforts that both of you make... there's something about that that will strengthen the heart of a man.

When a man is out there by himself, left to his own devices... the potential for chaos looms.

I have been in a freakin' funk for the last few days and it's because I... once again find myself... alone.

I am languishing in the most horrific string of bad happenings over the last several days... I might as well enumerate them for you...

1) This woman that I was interested in... but told me that I wouldn't quite measure up to her superficials, although I lined up with everything else she was looking for sent me a text message out of the blue and asked me to do a favor for her...

So... I'm good enough to be used for a favor, but not good enough to date... you get points sister... you get points... about 250 negative points.

I know she'll eventually realize the mistake she's making... it happens a lot in my world... but in this arena, I tend to be rather unforgiving.

Your loss.

2) Another woman that I was interested in decided to chase some guy and get her heart broken. At least she was kind enough to send me a text and say she needed time to mend. I give her points for not stringing me on or using me to be a rebound.

Every once in a while I send her a text message to let her know that I'm thinking about her.

Her reply today??? "Awww... how sweet... but it would have been nice if Troy sent this text :-) How are you?"

Ummm... I was fine up until that point.

I can go on and on about the insensitive nature of the women that I've met in my life time.

I just want to know ... what's up with that?

Are all women this way or is my chooser broken and I always tend to find the ones that lack compassion.

I've been a nice guy up to this point... I think I'm done... I really do.

Honestly.

Done.

Alone time

I noticed something interesting... when I was looking for the appropriate image to discuss my need for "alone time" - I noticed that there weren't any happy images tagged with "alone". They were all sad in nature.

Although I have friends that tell me that I'm always pursuing a relationship with someone and that I need to learn how to be alone, I can honestly say that I disagree with them.

I actually spend a lot of time alone and enjoy my solitary time.

I enjoy meeting people. (Especially women), but I don't need to be in a relationship at all...

Anyway... I'm going to patiently enjoy being me... happy.

Trust is a dangerous thing...

The one thing that sucks about relationships is that at some fundamental level... you have to trust the other person.

The problem with that is that people don't show themselves to be trustworthy because they have been hurt by others.

The expectation that you're going to be hurt lends itself to a self fulfilling prophecy.

Here's a story...

My sister-in-law is one of the most sane women that I know. She told me an interesting story.

Her father has a BAD temper which manifested itself in violence.

When she met my brother, she really liked him but couldn't trust him because she didn't know what he was like when he was angry. So what did she do? She would try to make him mad. She would push his buttons over and over again to get him to the point of anger.

When she realized that his anger was different that her Dad's she began to trust.

So... maybe I shouldn't say trust is a dangerous thing... maybe I should say making someone earn your trust is a dangerous thing.

So... why am I on this path? Because of something that was said to me moments ago...

I was seeing this young lady that I really liked.

The problem was, she was hurt by her Dad. If I ever said anything that she didn't agree with, her eyes would glaze over and she would go to her happy place and say "yeah" or "uh-huh" at the appropriate pauses. It didn't matter what I would say... she had tuned out.

The problem was, she was hurt by her ex-husband. Her ex-husband married her, but he decided that he also wanted to date 2 other women to her exclusion... even though they were married. His rejection hurt her.

There were more stories... but you get the picture.

The result was that everything that I did was seen through the filter of guys that did her wrong.

Every dating restriction that she placed on me was based upon guys that had violated her trust in the past.

I happen to be a great guy... and I could put up with it... to a point.

One night, she called me at 11pm on a work night and talked with me until 2:30am. The topic?

"How do I know that you won't leave me when we're married. What if I offend you... will you just put me away?"

Now, we had only been dating for 7 weeks.

She would peer into my past. Ask questions. Grill me. Hold me accountable to decisions that I made during my youth... not the man that I am now.

Anyway... I ended up putting a status on my Facebook that stated exactly how I was feeling at the moment.

She ended up sending me an e-mail that said "[your status cannot be] used to manipulate me or blame me for making decisions that I have every right to make."

Okay... so... you're allowed to have your opinion, but I'm not allowed to have mine?

Yeah... so... I did what she feared... I put her away... removed her from my Facebook. Quickly and privately.

As a result, I am the same as any other guy in her past.

Blah.

I feel bad.

Suck.

Freedom...

Today is my first day of freedom in a post "J" world. The question is what am I going to do with it...

For starters, I renewed my termite bond.

I also am going to the church tonight to work with the band!!! Joy.

I have determined that I'm going to start running free like the stallion that I am.

Watch me flex my muscles world!!!

The ball and chain...

So... I met this woman about a month ago.

She was singularly one of the most beautiful women that I ever met with a sweet personality. She was a communicator and had a great relationship with God. Everything that I ever looked for.

The problems were:

• She had a very fragile ego - she lacked the ability to see things any way except for hers
• She was fairly judgmental, she could go on for hours about how people "got it wrong"
• She viewed me through the filter of every guy in the past that ever did her wrong
• She couldn't live out of my past

It seemed like every week I would have to struggle to work through problems and it was always me seeking the mitigation of what ever craziness was going on in her head.

I know I should have run away when I saw these tendencies... but I didn't. We had the ability to work through things...

BLAH

Anyway, things ended abruptly and poorly.

The funny thing is, I was kind of relieved.

One of the many restrictions that she placed on us was a strict "no kissing" policy... yes, no kissing until the wedding day.

I fought for her... but there was no emotional connection at all.

I probably would have walked earlier if I would have blogged about it...

I need to get back to writing here more frequently.

Repentance

Right now? I am hungry. I have learned to recognize the difference between when I'm hungry for food and hungry for feeding my flesh.

(I know this is really metaphorical, but sometimes my blog is just for me... this is one of those times.)

There have been things that I have repented over in the past and when things don't work out the way that I hope that they would... I tend to go back and make the same mistakes that I've made before.

It's not so much because I want to... I strike out in frustration.

Not this time...

I feel blah... and sad... but continue to learn and move forward.

A present...

Let's talk about presents for a moment...

If someone gave you a present... a really great present, something that you've always wanted... would you appreciate it?

Here is a bitter pill...

It seems the number 1 thing that I talk about is relationships... and almost everyone that I know is in some sort of pain or agony.

There are a few people that are happy...

But most people have at least a handful of horrific relationship stories that make me thing that there's this underlying mantra... if you're not bleeding... you're not doing it right.

(Of course... if looking at the graphic and seeing that the guy that wrote it can't spell "you're" right is a perfect illustration, right?)

But people keep trying... and trying...

The thing is, they don't change what they're doing. They make the same mistakes over and over. If you never change the way that you approach going into a relationship then how do you ever, ever, ever, expect things to change?

Over the course of my life, I can honestly say that I haven't made the same mistake more than 6 or 7 times. Some pills just suck.

So, the question is... why am I writing this today?

I am writing this because I have a DIlemma... yes, a genuine DI-lemma.

So... the question is...

Do I swallow the same bitter pill again? Or do I try a different cure?

More to come... as the days go on...

The Ugly Truth

Okay...

I think it's time I came out of the closet.

Over the past few years I've met a lot of women and rarely dated any of them.

I used the excuse that they weren't quite what I was looking for. When people would ask me what I was looking for, I would be very vague.

Well, it's time for me to come out of the closet and really explain in detail the type of person that I'm looking for.

First and foremost? She has to be a woman.

No surprises there...

What's next?

Everyone has their superficial list - I am no different. I would prefer someone between 4'11 and 5'4 tall, blah blah blah... but there's more to it than the superficial.

First, I am looking for a woman that has a deep faith in God.

I am a man of faith. I'm not perfect. I've made mistakes, but I generally across my life have always tried to be a man of God.

When I am with a true woman of God it frees me up to not compromise. I can spread my wings and do a relationship the only way that I really know how. It is a powerful thing to join hands with the person that you are with and pray. It's powerful. Very powerful.

To extend that... when I can open up my Bible and have a conversation about what I believe and talk with someone that brings the same fervor to the table is incredible.

There are many different bonds that exist between people. There's attraction, animal attraction, lust, love... sexual... the list goes on. When it's based on something deeper, then it feels different.

At least to me.

Other than that? She has to be attractive to me, and attractive to me takes on many different forms.

Now... the secret is out...

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Praise begins...

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Going to a new church is always interesting. I am always interested as to whether or not people will actually come up and speak... more on that later...

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So... I am trying out a new church today. I am sitting in their coffe bar - The Aroma Missions Cafe waiting for 9am...

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I think I will mobblog today. Expect updates from my phone all day!

An epiphany... of sorts...

So… the light bulb goes off today. Not in the sense that things were made darker, but in the sense that I had a moment of enlightenment.

I’m not sure that this is going to make a lot of sense to anyone but me… but here goes.

I am pretty sure that I’ve been inflicting my loneliness on other people. I’ve never really thought about that much until this morning. Sometimes there’s a part of me that really wants to be a part of community, even if it’s a community of 2 that I will allow my loneliness to become a little “over indulgent” and come across as interest to some unsuspecting soul that is really no better off than I am.

Now, I’m not saying this is always my modus operandi. It doesn’t hold true for people that I genuinely like… but people who are on the periphery? People that suck life from me? Maybe it’s my own pathos in a passive aggressive way to suck the life out of them the way they suck the life out of me.

I’m not sure.

Maybe it’s because I wasn’t hugged enough as a child and looking longingly into someone’s eyes and offering a deep embrace yields the illusion of love as I try to throw shovels of dirt into a chasm the size of the Grand Canyon so I can fill this hole that’s been growing in my heart.

What I do know is that I’m nearing 41 years old and pretending that this isn’t a fact of my life and just trying to wander around trying to find a path around it just isn’t working any more.

I’m not sure when I deviated from my path…

I suck

11:45pm

And my alarm clock is not set for 5am... but for 4:30am.

I am not asleep. I have a slight twinge in my lower back from laying improperly so I can type on my computer. I'm watching the move "Love Happens" again in hopes of finding some meaning.

Honestly, I know that meaning isn't going to come from a movie... it may be found in a book.

So... maybe... just maybe I'm creating a diversion.

It's not only possible, but it's probable.

So, here's what's on my mind for the evening.

I keep people at arms length. It's self preservation. If you keep people from getting close, then there is no chance that they will hurt you.

Sometimes, I'm still that wounded kid that grew up in central NY.

I've been in protection mode for so long, I'm not sure I know how to tear down the walls.

There... 3 truths... 3 truths that sum up who I am...

"Devote 5 minutes a day to smiling... just smiling, and after a while, it will come naturally" - that leading character in the movie that I'm watching just said that.

There's a lot of truth in that. It falls into the make it until you fake it category.

I think it's time I close my eyes and pretend to sleep. I'll write on those 3 things later on in the week.

Peace yo.

Automagic

Lately, I have been on automatic. A lot like those automatic watches. You know, the ones that you wear on your wrist that wind automatically when you wear them on your wrist and walk?

It's kind of like if I keep moving, everything will be okay.

The truth is, time marches on. That's the only thing that happens.

It doesn't solve problems. It doesn't change your life. Time... just moves on.

MAN! When did I become that person?

I don't agonize over my life, I just listen to the lives of others and nod my head at their dismay. But, no matter how dismal their lives are... they are in them... they are feeling them.

A long time ago, I promised myself that I was not going to ever lie to myself.

Now it's time to put test this.

So... self... what the heck is wrong with you. I want to know the answer!