The final demon... silence

Silence is my final demon...

This is an interesting demon... it manifests itself in a few different ways...

It manifests itself in my going silent (thus the long periods of silence lately). I have been going completely silent... not talking with family, friends...

The second, is the most dangerous, to me... it's the silence of conviction... where you stop talking to yourself... proclaiming visions of hope for the future and the essence of who you are at your core.

It's really hard to explain this... so, I'll try it this way... Consider Bob Marley. When you see him singing, you can tell that he has great conviction and belief ragard everyting that he's seeing. That same conviction exists when he talks... you know he has a deep sense of self and belief.

Somehow... I've managed to silence that voice.

Finding it is the hard part...

Home for the week

Well... I've settled into my home for the week.

I cannot... absolutely CANNOT take being in a small hotel room, so I always search for suites. I've never stayed in this one before, and despite not having a full kitchen, I decided to stay in it anyway...

I always also pack really heavy when I go. I'm a creature of habit and I can't keep up with some form of normalicy I'll go NUTS.

I brought:

• Satellite Radio (XM)
• My Lyra Personal Media Player (loaded with movies to see)
• Laptop computer (to stay in touch with the world)
• Yamaha Silent Travel Guitar
• DVD Guitar lessons for the week
• Boss MicroBR - digital recorder... in case a musical idea hits me
• Digital Camera
• Roland PMA-5 (Personal music assistant - great for writing music)
• Gym clothes (Peaks fitness is open 24 hours a day)

I know that's a lot... but that is the BARE minimum that I need to make it through a week on the road.

It is my promise to myself to not get stuck in the hotel... I will venture out into the world this week.

OH!!!! And I'm going to name my last and deadliest demon this week!!!

C'ya

Yeah... that's about right...

Like a condemned man before his execution, I had my last request honored last night. (Okay... maybe that's a little dramatic - but I do LOATHE travelling).

Went to see Korn last night... took the WRONG freakin' camera.. ended up with tons of blurry pictures! ROCK ON!!!!

Thanks to Jimmy for the tix! I had a great time!!!!!!!

I'll have lots of updates from the road...

Gotta finish packing.

C-ya!

Okay... I'm travelling... again.

I have determined that one of the reasons that I need to go is to complete unfinished business.

Last time I travelled, I had an "airplane book" - an airplane book is a book that is only read while on - you guessed it, an airplane.

I started reading Wicked... made it half way through the book.

1 on the things that I need to do is finish this book.

See, I'm trying to find the bright side.

I greet the morning with...

I greet the morning with…
Irritation?
Happiness?
Joy?
Anticipation?

How do you greet your day? How do you feel about it?

I know how I felt this morning.

I didn’t.

It amazed me at how emotionless my life is – as a whole. I find that I have to contrive emotions in order to fit in with the rest of the world. I’m not saying that my feelings are not genuine, they are…

But if I hesitate for a second before I laugh, it’s not because I didn’t get the joke. It just took a second for me to process that as the appropriate response.

I can remember a time when I was passionate about life… What I don’t know is when the subtle change happened. I don’t know when the day to day grind caused my passions to be worn away.

How do you find out who you are?

I think that’s the next part of my journey.

I greet the morning with… curiosity.

Self-control

Self-control is another demon that I face.

Some people say self-control is a good thing... it keeps you from eating too many Krispy Kreme donuts...

But there's a different type of self-control that I'm talking about. The type of self-control that leads to self loathing.

My cousin Vic once said

...I've spent my whole life trying to be in control of myself. But I dislike
any one or any situation that tries to control me. So, check this out. My trying
to control myself just causes me to dislike myself. I'm finally understanding
it.I should just let me be.

Okay...

I don't drink. Why? Self-control.

I don't do drugs... Self-control.

I'm not dating... Freakin' Self-control.

Eating healthy... Self-control... again.

Working out... Yep, Self-control.

The list goes on...

I've frequently described myself as a "control freak" - where the only thing that I control is myself... so as a result, occasionally I rebel against myself.

How messed up is that?

Could it also be that my loneliness is a result of Self-control constricting my ability to be free?

How long has my life been driven by these things?

Why is it that now... after all this time I can see it all so clearly?

Love and Hate

Why do I love Loneliness?

Why do I rebel against Rebellion?

Looking at what I wrote, it appears as though I welcomed Loneliness with some kind of affection...

Extreme dislike demonstrated my distaste for Rebellion.

It's like these "demons" have such a strong hold on me that even the mention of their names changes the way that I feel when I talk about them.

The transition to a travel position is beginning to make more sense now.

I'm being thrust into a battle that I've long not wanted to fight. The fight to excise these demons from my life.

Rebellion

Rebellion is another demon friend of mine.

When I think I have clear vision and adversity comes sometimes I weather it well. Other times I just want it to end.

In times when I want it to end, I'll rebel. Instead of going through the lesson gracefully - depending on a strength that's not my own, I run headstrong into the opposite direction.

Screaming at the wind - running down the hill instead of standing there fighting and working my way upward to take the high gorund.

I guess here's an example.

I've been working out and eating healthy... so, what do I do?

I stop working out this week. Start eating out again. Even get an unhealthy amount of food from McDonalds to munch on.

Why?

Because my routine is going to be broken. Because I have to travel.

If that were the extent of what my rebellious attitude was capable of...

The Bible says rebellion is a form of witchcraft. And stubbornness is idolotry.

I can see that.

A lot of times I don't see rebellion until it's too late. I just see the consequences.

So, I don't welcome you rebellion. I loathe you and your ways.

This time, I'm not going to rebel against you, rebellion. I'm not sure how I'm going to defeat you... yet.

You are no longer welcome here.

Loneliness

I've decided to start naming my demons - and to talk about when we first met.

One of the first demons that I had the opportunity to encounter was loneliness.

Loneliness goes back as far as I can remember. I hear her voice more clearly than any others as she whispers in my ear that we are destined to be together forever.

I first met loneliness when I was 5. We were living in Italy at the time. I had the opportunity to attend an Italian kindergarten. OK... tons of points for wanting me to experience another culture - An overwhelming amount of negative points for thrusting an introverted child into that experience. I can recall not even being able to ask the teacher if I could go to the bathroom - which was torture at that age. I remember not being able to contain the dull ache of my bladder anymore and the warm sensation of ... well, let's just say it wasn't a hug of comfort.

We left New York and went to a small town in NY. This city was 49.9% Irish Catholic, 49.9% Italian Catholic. Most of the 0.2% other lived on the other side of town… on the other side of the tracks. This was also during the early 1970’s – the Civil Rights movement in the south had just really ended in 1968 – although the North was supposed to be more progressive, it’s a different story when someone moves next door. This feeling was compounded by having a mother that did not trust anyone based upon things that she experienced during her youth.

I have 3 older siblings and 1 younger sibling. The youngest of the oldest is 8 years older than me and the youngest is 9 years younger than me. So, I had this weird stage where I was overlooked in my own family. Having a baby sister and older siblings that were getting married and going to college. Loneliness embraced me again.

I went to a drinking college – I’m not a drinker.

I went to a Historically Black College – wasn’t quite black enough… whatever that means.

Even in my marriage… I recall feelings of isolation.

So… you can imagine the spiral that I felt when the warm embrace of loneliness embraced me as I get ready to travel again.

Hello loneliness. It’s nice to see you again.

I feel better

I feel better. I went to church and felt the love of my brothers there.

Fighting Demons

Something is bothering me.

Lately, I have been on edge. I find myself pacing throughout the house at 1 or 2 am… getting up at 6 am to prepare for work.

I can’t put my finger on what it is that’s bothering me, but I’m so afraid of whatever it is that I basically come home – lock my keys away and hang on to what ever is sturdy to keep from leaving the house because I can’t trust the mood that I’m in.

I frequently fight my inner demons, but this time they are swarming around my head with a vengeance.

I read others blogs and I’m envious because they know what it is that they’re fighting. But in my world, it’s always changing – a new twist – a new turn.

When I think I’ve put my finger on the pulse of what it is – there’s a subtle change.

What’s worse is that my job is going to have me start traveling again. Traveling spins me into isolation. You’re in one location during the week – so it’s very difficult to make new friends because people have to go to work the next day. Weekends are usually for playing catch up and doing laundry, yard work.

There’s one thing when you’re practicing solitude. You can always end that at any time.

It’s completely different having it thrust upon you.

Friends of mine tell me that there’s a purpose for this. That maybe there’s a lesson to be learned.

What I do know is that I was learning my lessons… my diet has changed for the better. I’m working out. I’m practicing my guitar – for real this time. My heart was set on working with Providence… and now a monkey wrench is being thrown into this.

Honestly, I should be more upset than I am, but I’ve taken all my emotions and misplaced them somewhere – so all I have is this feeling of indifference that says move forward – keep fighting and be diligent at fighting for my survival.

I see why people drink. I see why people do drugs. I see why people become promiscuous. I see why people are adrenaline junkies. I see why people participate in risky behavior.

Just to feel.

Okay… I know I’ve rambled… but all I see are random images floating around in my brain and these were the only ones I could grasp.

Pay attention God. I’m falling now.

Who do you trust?

When I look at this picture there is one guy that I definitely wouldn’t trust… it would be the guy that’s not looking at the person that’s falling. He appears to be completely oblivious to what’s going on.

A lot of times that’s the way that people think about God. They think all their friends are looking out for them, but God is slightly distracted… maybe counting the hairs on the head of the person across from them…

Even in my life I struggle with my trust in God. I admit it freely. One of the prayers that I pray frequently is – “God, show me your will and your way.” I struggle to sit and wait and not run off and headstrong and try to bushwhack my way through the wilderness.

The question is… what’s easier? To bushwhack your way through the woods or trust in an invisible God? My life history tells me that it’s much easier to trust. When I do, my life consistently is better.

Be patient. Trust.

I purchased a bracelet yesterday. One pretty similar to the one that's in this picture. It's not for outward show, The cross on mine is very understated. It's not intended to be an advertisement.


Instead, it's a different approach.

In the Bible - the book of Numbers, chapter 15 is says: 37 Then the Lord said to Moses, 38 “Give the following instructions to the people of Israel: Throughout the generations to come you must make tassels for the hems of your clothing and attach them with a blue cord. 39 When you see the tassels, you will remember and obey all the commands of the Lord instead of following your own desires and defiling yourselves, as you are prone to do.

It's designed moreso to be something to remind me that God is indeed faithful.

I was thinking this morning about how people forget about God when things are going well, then how they blame him when things are not.

But there's something that goes on in the middle...

People forget God.

Remember, the Bible is a book that chronicles the lives of a people that God had choses to show himself real and alive to that others in the world would remember his benefits.

It's amazing the number of times you read statements like "they did not remember the Lord" or how the forgot his benefits. There's even one part where even the priests have forgotten that the "scrolls" exist - and how when they find it and bring it to the King he's amazed at what is written.

I don't want to be that way.

I'll take a little victory...

I did not want to work out tonight.

But I did.

I did not want to eat healthy today.

But I did.

I did not want to do portion control.

But I did.

I can do this.

I can.

He looked at himself in the mirror. Turning his head slightly to the left... then to the right.

Without hesitation the reflection did the same thing...

He reached out his hand. The only thing that he felt was coldness. A coldness that matched the cold empty eyes that were looking back at him.

He opened his voice to speak but realized that the face, as he had grown accustomed to calling it, would do nothing more than parrot back the same words that he had just spoken.

As the seconds ticked by the contempt was growing.

Finally he shouted - "Why are you here? What is your purpose? Why don't you just go away?"

He turned and walked away... but as he left he refused to look over his shoulder to see if the reflection would glance back... afraid that even his own reflection no longer cared.

- Anon

Putting one foot in front of the other...

Well... I'm on week 3 of "From Couch to 10K" - last night was a milestone night.

Walk 1 lapJog 3 lapsWalk 1 lapJog 3 lapssIt's been a LONG time since I've jogged 3/4 of a mile. I can remember when I would do this and wouldn't give it a 2nd though.

Even the total distance of 2 miles that I did... this was nothing compared to the days when I could just hop up and run 3 miles in around than 15 minutes.

The whole thing took less than 25 minutes... that's right, I'm doing 12 1/2 minute miles (I take 5 minutes to walk 1 lap...)

Tonight is a milestone night... warm up... jog 2 miles straight.

What's going through my mind is... can this be done? I had a terrible twinge in my back this morning. Instead of doing my morning workout I took the opportunity to stretch out my back.

I dunno... I may just need to apply heat to it.

Man... I'm too young to need to use a heating pad.

Putting the puzzle together...

Okay... the divorce is over. I'm done rearranging the house. The newness of the experience is over. Now it's time to settle down and put the puzzle back together.

The really cool thing about life is that you always have the same puzzle pieces, but every time you put it back together it changes... or rather, it has the potential to change.

It's quite possible to put the puzzle back together the same way every single time.

I like to call that

"Not learning from your mistakes"

It always amazes me when I see people always "dating the same type of person" expecting there to be a change. Or people that always go down the same path expecting a different destination.

What's the purpose behind stirring things up and tossing all the pieces in the air if you're only going to put them together the same way again? I guess that's okay if you're just passing time.

I, personally, want to live and be alive! I want to take life by the proverbial horns and race into the wind! (That's not to be confused with being 3 sheets to the wind... but it is a nicely mixed metaphor)

Anyway, here are the things that I'm doing to put my puzzle pieces back together:

1. Reading
2. Planning
3. Excercising
4. Eating healthy
5. Thinking deeply
6. Spending time with God

Okay... those are the easy pieces that make up the edges of the puzzle... what's harder are the pieces on the inside.

• Being more social
• Redefining me career
• Finding genuine friends

I'm sure there are a ton more pieces than these... but I struggle to not be overwhelmed. Let's keep it all manageable and healthy.

Cheers to me!

Fitness check-in

In order to hold myself accountable, I've decided to introduce a little somethingI'm going to call the Monday Morning Fitness Check-in. This is where I'll post about my ongoing struggles to get to a healthy weight.

Believe me, I could write about this on a daily basis, but I think this is enough to keep me accountable.

I weighed in this morning at 223.5 pounds.
When I went from 275 to 225 (then back up to 235 for most of the summer, then around 228 by Labor Day [First Weekend in September]) I would really control my diet during the week, but during the weekends, it would be "free".

Free weekends meant that I could have Pizza, soda, a burger... almost anything I wanted as long as it was done in moderation on Saturday and Sunday.

This go round, I'm not doing this... weekends are controlled diet days... without the mega calories of pizza or burgers and fries... starting next weekend. Honest.

I've also decided to make a couple dietary changes... before I would do breakfast, lunch, dinner. I think I need to eat more times during the day to pump up the metabolism. But I don't want to add a lot of unnecessary calories.

I think the secret is to eat foods with high water content. I've taken a picture of what my breakfast/luch foods are going to look like.

The healthy choise soup is actually good... there's less than 800 mg. of sodium in a serving that size - which comes to about 25% of what's needed in a day. Since I don't add salt to any of my other foods, I'm coming in at around 75% of the RDA with the way my current diet is set up.
The other foods were chosen because of their high water content. Grapes will make you feel full. Likewise with the pear.

I think most importantly, I listen to what my body tells me.

That's it on this topic until next weeks fitness check in.

Still growing...

WARNING: This post is about my faith in God. If that offends you... read no further. However, I hope you read...

I can honestly say that I have been bitter about the way the divorce was done. I used to complain to a friend of mine and she would say:

"Don't tell me... tell God"

Okay, philosophically I understand what she's talking about, but acting that out was a completely different story.

Until yesterday. See, part of the reason I was "turtling" was because I wanted... no, needed to spend time away from everyting and everyone in order to be found by God.

Well, yesterday was a day of fasting and early morning prayer. That's when the breakthrough came. I felt compelled to pray for my ex-wife.

Now, being compelled and actually doing that are 2 different things.

I yielded.

I prayed.

There comes a time in everyone's life when they come across problems that they cannot solve. And when they cry out, if they listen closely - they'll hear a voice telling them what to do - and sometimes this task will seam more than one person can bear.

I would challenge you to submit... if you've tried it your way with no change or success, try stealing away and being found by God.

Honesty... finally...

I was reading a friends blog on Myspace - she mentioned that she was out with a friend of hers and he was wearing a T-Shirt that read - "The last thing I want to do is hurt you. ... but it's still on the list."

FINALLY, someone is being honest.

You can try as hard as you want to, but the truth is, we will always offend someone. It's a sad fact of life. People are quirky like that.

People have expectations (with the exception of me... of course. I realize that we're all flawed in some way) - and when we don't live up to those unstated expectations they get upset.

Feelings get hurt.

I like the notion of this disclaimer.

Now, there is a difference between knowing that the possibility of this happening vs. those people who are intentially malicious. I think we all have people like that in our lives - I'm not talking about those people that can't see beyond themselves and as a result hurt others. (I find myself in that category sometimes.) I'm talking about those people that either believe they were wronged and as a result must hurt others or even worse... those that think that their life is entitled and their desires supercede what's going on in the lives of others.

Anyway... I liked the t-shirt. May get one myself.

Shaving lessons

My oldest son is 15... a sophmore in high school... a football player... and had a handful of whiskers on his chin. So, the last weekend they were here, I took him into the bathroom, showed him how to lather up properly... and use a blade.

He did well. He only had one small nick.

I miss having the boys around the house on a daily basis.

Whiteboard mayhem

So... I added a whiteboard to my desk at work. As a result, my co-workers will come over and write to-do lists, doodle, whatever.

I'm kind of key and central to a lot of people and as a result I often have a queue at my desk where people are waiting for me to solve a problem for them.

This one... THIS ONE, I had to take a picture of...

I was working on a problem for Jason but needed to place him on hold for a few minutes. I asked Erica (who had just drawn a heart, flower and butterfly) to put his name on my board as a reminder...

So... for just second... it looked like I was day-dreaming about Jason... ummm, NOT.

Actually, what I wanted to show off was my view. Our offices are on the 6th floor and I have a

window seat... the glare is killer... but it's nice to see what the outside looks like since I'm so rarely out there these days.

Turtling

Since the divorce I've been "turtling"... I've been limiting my activities to going to work and church... been a complete and total recluse.

It's not like I'm afraid to be social. It's like I'm not sure how to be social or what I want to do. When you live nearly 1/3 of your life making your life revolve around family - it's difficult to make the transition.

Like I said, I divorced a lot of friends. Not so much because I wanted to, but when you're a couple, you know a lot of couples and women tend to stick together. And the guys were really weenies who let their wives dictate every aspect of their life. I just couldn't trust most of them to keep things in confidence.

So... I retreat. into the safety of my shell.

Now, I'm not saying that I've been completely anti-social. I've hung out with a few select friends... maybe once every 3 weeks or so... and every time I do, I have a really good time... I mean, just last night I was out until almost 2am with Jimmy talking about really good/obscure music.

That was honestly the most fun I've had in... about 3 weeks...

Okay... I think it's time for me to start coming out of my shell.

Me at 225

This is a picture of me wearing the same outfit that I was wearing at 275. I remember the day when I could actually button that shirt... that was a momentous occasion.

Sometimes I have to look at things like this to remind me of how it used to feel - and how far I need to go.

Yesterday was a tough day for me. I have an immense sweet tooth, but at the same time I'm one of those "can't eat just one" people. So, I have to deny myself of things that I really want...

My diet has to be precise... I can't take a day off from working out except for the weekend.

There can be no room for error if I want to reach my goals by Thanksgiving.

That's my goal.... I'm putting it out there for all of you.

Admittedly, my goal was originally to hit my targets at the time that the divorce was final, but... life got in the way... stress eating...

Me at 275

I was looking for "flattering pictures" of me at 275. I can honestly say that there aren't that many. I'm 225 now and I feel MUCH better than I did then.

When I get out of bed in the morning my ankles don't hurt. My knees don't creak... When I walk short distances my back doesn't start to burn.

I almost don't recognize myself with my face that round... and BOY is that a round face...

Now, I don't have a problem with people that carry a few extra pounds. I find that attractive. It's just at this point in my life, if I want to be able to run and play with my grandchildren... I'm going to have to do something.

It's my own fault for playing soccer for 6 years... year round... spring, summer, winter, fall without break. I just wore things down.

It feels good to be able to move again... and hopefully, once I drop the extra pounds I'll be able to play the game that I love again... in an over 35 league this time.

More pictures later.

glucosamine and chondroitin

OH MY FREAKIN' GOODNESS...

I didn't take my glucosamine and chondroitin and I could feel it during my work out... I had to cut it short tonight because my knees and ankles were burning like someone was jamming ice picks into my spine.

I have a lot of risidual soccer injuries from my youth... that still plague me some 20 years later.

That's part of the reason why I want to drop the unneeded 30 or so pounds.

Did I say my goal was to hit this target by Thanksgiving?

Anyway... I've noticed that glucosamine chondroitin really seams to work.
I may post pics this weekend.

One of the things that I promised myself was that I was going to get in shape... a few weeks ago I mentioned that I was going to do this project called "From Couch To 10K"

I know I wrote about it a few weeks ago, but I needed to set my head on straight first... in terms of some life related items that... I may talk about those later on...

Anyway... the first week was easy... walk 1/2 lap, jog 1/2 lap... No problem... by the end of the week I was setting the treadmill for 6 mph for my job lap... that's not a bad pace at all for someone that's just starting the program.

This week... oh my... completly different story... a 2 mile work out... in all honesty, a 2 1/4 mile work out...
Start with a 5 minute warm up walk, then alternate walking & jogging and walk only half the distance of each jog, as follows:

• Jog 1/4 mile (one lap)


• Walk 1/8 mile (1/2 half lap)


• Jog 1/2 mile (2 laps)


• Walk 1/4 mile (1 lap)


• Jog 1/4 mile (1 lap)


• Walk 1/8 mile (half-lap)


• Jog 1/2 mile...


• go home

Jog? A 1/2 mile? You're kidding... right?

I did it... but it doesn't mean I liked it. My walk laps were 3 mph, my job laps were 6 mph, with the exception of the last 1/2... It was part ranged between 6, 7 and 4 mph...

After that I did my sculpting and called it an evening.

I'm going to start double sessions next this week too... Not double cardio work outs, but this thing called Core Concepts which is an core muscle workout that's done with dumbells and a yoga ball.

If I can control diet and burn 600 calories a day, the pounds will just drop off... and I'll hit my targets in no time.

If I get bold, I'll post before and after pictures.

I found a great church... Providence.

Providence is a multicultural church with a vision for all people. It's a younger crowd with a good group of guys that I am looking forward to getting to know better.

A lot of the guys have been there from the beginning and have seen people come in a flash and go... so it's probably going to take a moment for me to really become a part of the family... I'm more like a distant cousin right now...

The only thing I know for sure is that this is where God wants me to be right now... so I'm going to be there and participate giving my 100%.

For starters... other than holidays, I haven't had a real day off from work in over a year. When Labor Day rolled around, I took a long 4 day weekend and had a friend come up and visit.

It was cool - it was a friend from home. We both grew up in central NY, graduated the same year, our high schools competed against each other in Football, Basketball, Soccer...

There was a Christian camp behind my house that she used to go to... this is the same camp that my sister and I used to sneak into.
We reconnected a little while ago while I was on a business trip... so it's nice to have friends out there.

Anyway... it was a good visit. we played tourist. The above picture was take atop Vulcan. (I'll post about that next.)

It was good just to play tourist... visit places around the city... it was a good reminder as to what I love about life... good friends and good times.

Thanks!

Pulling myself together

The last blog posting I said I was feeling a little disconnected, then I dropped off the face of the earth.

I've had a lot to talk about as I start pulling myself together.
For starters... after the divorce, one of the things that I had to do was divorce a lot of friends... divorce a church that I went to... so it's been... lonely?

One of the easiest things to do when I fall into that rut is to make errors or mistakes regarding people that I let into my life. I have no intentions of doing that... divorce is kind of a tabula rasa... a clean slate of sorts.

Get ready for a flurry.

Disconnected

Some days... I just feel disconnected.

It's the oddest thing in the world. I feel like I don't belong... anywhere.

So... a friend of mine from way back when came into town this weekend for a visit. It was a good visit, we had lots of fun playing tourist, eating good food... (thanks for the food...)
One of the things that she said was that I needed a "grown up, big boys bed" because I've been sleeping on a full sized platform bed - which to me wasn't a problem because I had spent the last 7 months sleeping on a couch.
So... I was game. Having never shopped for a bed for myself before I decided to take an expert bed shopping. (She's not a bed expert because she spends a lot of time on them - but because she knows more about them than I do.)
One of the things that she recommended was that I lay on the bed and "treat it like it were my own."
This isn't something that I would ordinarily do but I was game.
So, while the salesman was standing there, I climbed into the bed...
curled up in the fetal position
pretended to cry
I think that made the salesman just a little uncomfortable... but I thought it was funny.
Nothing like a little cringe humor to kick off your Saturday.

Needless

I have this friend named Jimmy who is a devoted member of Peta. I mean, she has taken in a stray bat that she found outside her apartment and nursed it back to help. She doesn't wear leather, doesn't eat meat...

I say all of this because I was in a store looking at furniture that I can't afford... and that's when I saw it... a couch that would completly make her cringe.

It was a leather couch.

At first, I thought there were faux fur throws on the couch... until I ran my hand across it. Then I realized that they had sewn animal fur onto the leather couch.

Okay... the couch says man... but if any guy bought this couch, I would have to say that he was compensating for something.

Making new friends...

Well... things have been very busy...

I've changed churches. I'm in the midst of making new friends... I'm about to do a rapid snapshot of what's been going on for the last few weeks...

Hold on tight.

Where did the time go?

Lately, I have been losing time.

Not losing time in the sense that I awaken some place and don't know where I've been or how I got there... but in the sense that I have so much to do that it all becomes overwhelming and I end up not completing the things that I would like to complete.

I end up in front of the television or playing piano or guitar instead of doing things on my never ending to do list.

I have friends coming up to visit labor day weekend and as a result have created a LARGE to do list of what's needed to get the house visitor ready... Each day is dedicated to completing a room or two - to get everything "visitor ready."

Saturday - Basement/Dining Room

Sunday - Kitchen/Living Room

Monday - guest room/guest bath

Tuesday - Studio

Wednesday - Master bedroom/bath

They arrive late Thursday night...

Instead of just doing this, I had to actually make a list to make sure that I complete all these tasks.

I'm also starting my new excercise plan on Monday. Oy... Why do I do these things to myself.

From Couch to 10K

I admit it...
My diet has been lousy. I haven't been working out. I've been doing what I enjoy doing... making music... slacking in general... being hyper... unfocused.
I have determined that I need some personal goals... a reason to get up in the morning and do, other than the requirement to go to work.
There is a program called "From Couch to 10K" it's a part of the Birmingham Track Club. It's a 10 week program... I think I can commit to that, just to see what will happen.
I may take profile pictures, so you can see my progress...
Or maybe I'm not that bold.
I'll let you know how it goes.

Hyper

Ummm.... WOW.

I feel like my mind is racing 1,000,000 miles per hour. Now that the house is clean - I have nothing to do to occupy my time. I'm used to having people around.

My mind races with the possibilities of all the things that need to be done... things that can be done. Too many books to read, too much music to compose, working out... it's almost overwhelming...

So far, the theory holds true. I'm a homebody. I can be totally and completely happy being at home by myself without human interaction... I have to remind myself to go out and have human interaction.

I don't have a set schedule. I'm finding that I need a schedule....

I was up until 2:00 am.

My alarm was set for 6:00 am.

I was in the office by 7:00...

I now know what people with ADHD feel like...

I've started writing things down... making "To Do Lists..."

Need... more... discipline... need to focus...

Need to be... less hyper.

iTired

Okay... Well, as many of you know, my ex-wife and I have finalized our agreement. Once the final papers are in, I'm going to officially be a free man.

Of course, a wise man once said: "Freedom ain't free" - I'm beginning to see precicely what is meant by that.

When I calculate was I lost from the perspective of alimony and child support... it causes me pain. A pain in my heart... not because I miss my ex, but because it "hurts me to my heart" to have to write a check THAT large.

Anyway... in order to balance things out, I had to get a second job. I have a great job, but it's a 40 hour/week job.

So, let's see... I do 50 hours at my first job, then 40 at my second job. With all these jobs, iTired.

But it's well worth it. The sleep at night is good... it's peaceful and restful.

I miss the boys, but it will all balance out over time.

Speaking of my sons... had them over this weekend. I have stories to tell and pictures regarding their visit as well.

Ciao.

Friday the 13th...

I am not supersticious... not in the least. But, today has been a less than stellar day.

For starters, my ex walked into my house while I was getting ready for work. Yep, walking around stark naked - she just popped into the house to take yet and still another item.

Somehow, a fair and equitable division of property to her means "take everything that's not nailed down".

I found out that my ex has added to her list of items removed... TADA ... the lawn mower, electric hedge trimmers AND the weed whacker.

At this point, it's kind of humorous to me.

I can't wait to see what other things get added to her never ending list... maybe I should check my underwear drawer...

Alone... but not alone

Well... this is my first series of posts on having an empty house.

The interesting thing is that I would often feel alone when everyone was here. Not so much when the boys were here but when my ex was here.

I always had a great time with the boys were here, but when they were gone and it was just the 2 of us... I remember overwhelming feelings of loneliess.

Now, there's a peace. I'm not sure if the peace is because I'm really busy putting this place in order. Only time will tell.

But for now... I'm alone... but I don't feel alone.

What makes a house a home?

Is it the memories? Is it the people that live in it? Is it the physical structure? Is it the place that you sleep?

I guess I'm about to find out.

My never ending divorce is now virtually over. My ex is moving out of the house... and with her - our sons.

This, to me is a heartbreak like no other.

I miss sitting down and having Caleb come and climb in my lap on a regular basis or climbing on my back just to be close.

Jam sessions with Joshua laying down the rhythms on the drums.

Christopher telling stories of his might sports exploits including sound effects.

I can tell you that my home is more like a house without having them there.

I'm trying to rearrange the house so that a shrine isn't set up to where they used to be...

But how do you make something this abnormal normal?

I think I'm going to dedicated this blog to the time that I spend with them... That's the best that I can do for now...

Jehovah's Witnesses at The Door

There are venetian blinds on my front door.

When someone is at the door, the boys generally pull the blinds that have made a small gap in the window allowing you to see in.

While sitting on the love seat watching a movie minding, Joshua walked down the stairs... went to the window and looks outside, then walks downstairs.

I look out the window, and there are these 2 old white people standing there looking into the house. I don't know how long they were standing there... but - they were just standing there.

They didn't knock on the door until I went and stood in front of the door....

It's official. Jehovah's Witnesses are creapy.

The BIG Cheeseburger

We were at dinner and the boys were talking about pets.

Joshua said he would like to have a pet lion. He said we could tie it up and leave it in our back yard.

I asked Joshua what games he would play with the lion:

• Chase, Chase, Eat, Eat?
• Nibble, Nibble, Chew

Joshua said, "The lion can chase me, for excercise. Then when he gets close, I'll toss him a steak."

Christopher replied, "Joshua, what would you rather have? A small cheeseburger swinging from a string... or a big JUICY cheeseburger swinging a cheeseburger on a string?"

Joshua said - "The big JUICY cheeseburger..."

I guess that means we're not getting a pet lion.

Wireless TV

I keep a portable TV around the house since we live in an area that has Tornados and Hurricanes on a semi-regular basis. It's important to be able to see what's going on in the event that the power goes out.

Well... yesterday Caleb found the TV.

It was really funny because he couldn't figure out how the images got to the TV since no cable was attached.

He came running to me and said...

DAD... I found a wireless TV. Can I have it???

No more dreads?????

After growing his dreadlocks for the last 3 years... C'fer decided to cut off his dreadlocks.

For some strange reason, C'fer has decided that he wants to play football... go figure. He could never get the helmet to fit right with his dreads. One size would be too small, the next size up would be too big.

The result? He wanted to cut off his dreads to allow his helmet to fit better.

Interesting... his hair had grown to past his shoulders...

So... without futher ado.... This one may take some getting used to...

BEFORE...

AFTER...

Is that supposed to be on fire???

For starters... we have an electric stove.

During breakfast, someone spilled something into the drip tray. When I was boiling water - apparently something in the drip tray hit it's ignition point and flaired up.

Christopher called me and said... "Dad... is the stove supposed to be on fire?"

I just let it burn out. It wasn't anything dangerous. Just kind of humerous.

My poor, poor, children...

We took a road trip yesterday to Huntsville to go to the Space and Rocket Center. After our visit there, we stopped by the Alabama A&M University. The school that I graduated from...

As we drove by the school, I decided that it would be cool if I had the boys take a picture that I was going to send to Dedrick. Basically, on "the block" they have these stones that the various fraternities have... Since Dedrick is a Phi Beta Sigma, I was going to have the boys stand by their stone and show the hand signal associated with the fraternity.

Here in lies the problem.

Christopher decided that he didn't want to "play along" - He decided to use the hand signal for "Hang Loose" which is also the Alpha Phi Alpha hand signal.

The picture... speaks for itself...

Spring has sprung...

I kind of went into hibernation this winter... the weather was really blah and I didn't feel like taking pictures... talking about what was going on... anything like that.

Well, the weather is getting better. The birds are chirping and all is good in the world.

Joshua was outside sitting on the thinking rock daydreaming about how he's going to be spending his summer vacation.

Caleb and Zach are enjoying the time of year when all young men become Jedi Knights...

Spring... it's a great time of year...