Dating

So... I'm dating again. Yeah... I know... you would think that I was a serial dater. The truth is, I am not.

I tend to be very selective in terms of who I choose. I also have a very weird and unique approach that scares people away... as a result, when someone is really interested, I tend to roll with it and see what happens.

So... I'm seeing Chi Chi (obviously not her real name) now. As a result, I decided that it would be important to blog... blogging helps me not make mistakes.

Here's the first thing I need to remember and put into practice:

She likes me. She's not going to arbitrarily bail out on me. As a result, I should put up my track shoes. Relax into this....

More later!

Apparently, I'm that guy...

In the last 2 weeks, I have had several people tell me that they didn't appreciate my "attitude" and that I was being snippy and short with them.

I think that's crazy.

Maybe, I have been so docile and passive that they aren't use to me expressing how I feel on a topic or being slightly less than perfect.

I am giving myself the permission to be human.

My true friends will be able to deal.

Selfishness

I consider myself to be a very altruistic person. I generally think of others before myself... often to my detriment. This has been my mode of operation for years... and now I am beginning to see that this line of thinking doesn't always work.

As a result, I've started doing something that has surprised friends of mine.

I've started saying good bye.

It's not that I just hit them with a full on good bye and blind side them... well, to some, it's just a good bye...

But to others... others that I have invested in over the years, I have tried to explain to them the way that they have consistently treated me over the years... that their occasional show of concern that pops up only when I'm not there to listen to what's going on in their world is not quite enough.

I am not sure how everyone has gotten into this twisted self preservation mode.

It's crazy.

You take a moment to get to know someone and all of a sudden they start pulling back whenever there is a hint of closeness.

It frustrates me to no end.

A while ago I wrote about finding my tribe.

What I understand now is that I can't find my tribe because I'm surrounded by too many people that belong to a different way of thinking.

I need to go on a proverbial walkabout and find my people...

The ones that are willing to risk closeness.

A double standard exists...

Okay... as much as I hate to admit it, I think I may have a double standard when it comes to the women that I choose to be interested in.

Now, whether black, white, latina or asian there are some qualities that I find attractive.

I dig women with wide eyes, a broad smile, angular face...

I'm a sucker for those qualities.

Now... there are some differences...

I prefer to date women that are between size 6 and 14. If it's a white woman I would go as high as a size 18... if she's black? I wouldn't go higher than a 10-12.

See? That's a bias!

There are other biases that I have as well.

I just realized this... not sure what I'm going to do about it.

Bothers me tho.

Finding the happy place...

There are a few important life lessons that I find that I need to remember from time to time.

One of them is that others should not dictate your happiness. They may mess with your world for a few moments, but in the grand scheme of things? At worse case it should be a temporary thing... right?

So, I'm dedicating this weekend to finding my happy place.

See ya!

I am enough...

Nothing messes with your self esteem like being on a dating site.

I am not sure why I do it... but every once in a while... I do it.

This time? I think I'm taking it all a little too personally.

I know that I am a reasonably attractive guy. I know that I have a huge heart and an incredible capacity to love. I know a lot of things...

But when it all comes down to it, the people that are attracted to me vastly differ from the people that I am interested in.

I think I deserve someone that doesn't weigh 300 pounds. I deserve someone that can take a picture where they actually have combed their hair and have some pride in their appearance. I deserve someone that will at least pretend they know how to spell by running a spell check before they put up their profile.

But that's not what I attract.

That's what messes with my self esteem.

E-harmony

Match

It's all the same.

I quit.

Sadness

I'm sad...

For the first time in a long time I really feel unlovable.

When there is someone that is standing in your corner... that you can go home to and give them a big hug and you know that they have your back and the success of your partnership depends on the efforts that both of you make... there's something about that that will strengthen the heart of a man.

When a man is out there by himself, left to his own devices... the potential for chaos looms.

I have been in a freakin' funk for the last few days and it's because I... once again find myself... alone.

I am languishing in the most horrific string of bad happenings over the last several days... I might as well enumerate them for you...

1) This woman that I was interested in... but told me that I wouldn't quite measure up to her superficials, although I lined up with everything else she was looking for sent me a text message out of the blue and asked me to do a favor for her...

So... I'm good enough to be used for a favor, but not good enough to date... you get points sister... you get points... about 250 negative points.

I know she'll eventually realize the mistake she's making... it happens a lot in my world... but in this arena, I tend to be rather unforgiving.

Your loss.

2) Another woman that I was interested in decided to chase some guy and get her heart broken. At least she was kind enough to send me a text and say she needed time to mend. I give her points for not stringing me on or using me to be a rebound.

Every once in a while I send her a text message to let her know that I'm thinking about her.

Her reply today??? "Awww... how sweet... but it would have been nice if Troy sent this text :-) How are you?"

Ummm... I was fine up until that point.

I can go on and on about the insensitive nature of the women that I've met in my life time.

I just want to know ... what's up with that?

Are all women this way or is my chooser broken and I always tend to find the ones that lack compassion.

I've been a nice guy up to this point... I think I'm done... I really do.

Honestly.

Done.

Alone time

I noticed something interesting... when I was looking for the appropriate image to discuss my need for "alone time" - I noticed that there weren't any happy images tagged with "alone". They were all sad in nature.

Although I have friends that tell me that I'm always pursuing a relationship with someone and that I need to learn how to be alone, I can honestly say that I disagree with them.

I actually spend a lot of time alone and enjoy my solitary time.

I enjoy meeting people. (Especially women), but I don't need to be in a relationship at all...

Anyway... I'm going to patiently enjoy being me... happy.

Trust is a dangerous thing...

The one thing that sucks about relationships is that at some fundamental level... you have to trust the other person.

The problem with that is that people don't show themselves to be trustworthy because they have been hurt by others.

The expectation that you're going to be hurt lends itself to a self fulfilling prophecy.

Here's a story...

My sister-in-law is one of the most sane women that I know. She told me an interesting story.

Her father has a BAD temper which manifested itself in violence.

When she met my brother, she really liked him but couldn't trust him because she didn't know what he was like when he was angry. So what did she do? She would try to make him mad. She would push his buttons over and over again to get him to the point of anger.

When she realized that his anger was different that her Dad's she began to trust.

So... maybe I shouldn't say trust is a dangerous thing... maybe I should say making someone earn your trust is a dangerous thing.

So... why am I on this path? Because of something that was said to me moments ago...

I was seeing this young lady that I really liked.

The problem was, she was hurt by her Dad. If I ever said anything that she didn't agree with, her eyes would glaze over and she would go to her happy place and say "yeah" or "uh-huh" at the appropriate pauses. It didn't matter what I would say... she had tuned out.

The problem was, she was hurt by her ex-husband. Her ex-husband married her, but he decided that he also wanted to date 2 other women to her exclusion... even though they were married. His rejection hurt her.

There were more stories... but you get the picture.

The result was that everything that I did was seen through the filter of guys that did her wrong.

Every dating restriction that she placed on me was based upon guys that had violated her trust in the past.

I happen to be a great guy... and I could put up with it... to a point.

One night, she called me at 11pm on a work night and talked with me until 2:30am. The topic?

"How do I know that you won't leave me when we're married. What if I offend you... will you just put me away?"

Now, we had only been dating for 7 weeks.

She would peer into my past. Ask questions. Grill me. Hold me accountable to decisions that I made during my youth... not the man that I am now.

Anyway... I ended up putting a status on my Facebook that stated exactly how I was feeling at the moment.

She ended up sending me an e-mail that said "[your status cannot be] used to manipulate me or blame me for making decisions that I have every right to make."

Okay... so... you're allowed to have your opinion, but I'm not allowed to have mine?

Yeah... so... I did what she feared... I put her away... removed her from my Facebook. Quickly and privately.

As a result, I am the same as any other guy in her past.

Blah.

I feel bad.

Suck.

Freedom...

Today is my first day of freedom in a post "J" world. The question is what am I going to do with it...

For starters, I renewed my termite bond.

I also am going to the church tonight to work with the band!!! Joy.

I have determined that I'm going to start running free like the stallion that I am.

Watch me flex my muscles world!!!

The ball and chain...

So... I met this woman about a month ago.

She was singularly one of the most beautiful women that I ever met with a sweet personality. She was a communicator and had a great relationship with God. Everything that I ever looked for.

The problems were:

• She had a very fragile ego - she lacked the ability to see things any way except for hers
• She was fairly judgmental, she could go on for hours about how people "got it wrong"
• She viewed me through the filter of every guy in the past that ever did her wrong
• She couldn't live out of my past

It seemed like every week I would have to struggle to work through problems and it was always me seeking the mitigation of what ever craziness was going on in her head.

I know I should have run away when I saw these tendencies... but I didn't. We had the ability to work through things...

BLAH

Anyway, things ended abruptly and poorly.

The funny thing is, I was kind of relieved.

One of the many restrictions that she placed on us was a strict "no kissing" policy... yes, no kissing until the wedding day.

I fought for her... but there was no emotional connection at all.

I probably would have walked earlier if I would have blogged about it...

I need to get back to writing here more frequently.

Repentance

Right now? I am hungry. I have learned to recognize the difference between when I'm hungry for food and hungry for feeding my flesh.

(I know this is really metaphorical, but sometimes my blog is just for me... this is one of those times.)

There have been things that I have repented over in the past and when things don't work out the way that I hope that they would... I tend to go back and make the same mistakes that I've made before.

It's not so much because I want to... I strike out in frustration.

Not this time...

I feel blah... and sad... but continue to learn and move forward.

A present...

Let's talk about presents for a moment...

If someone gave you a present... a really great present, something that you've always wanted... would you appreciate it?

Here is a bitter pill...

It seems the number 1 thing that I talk about is relationships... and almost everyone that I know is in some sort of pain or agony.

There are a few people that are happy...

But most people have at least a handful of horrific relationship stories that make me thing that there's this underlying mantra... if you're not bleeding... you're not doing it right.

(Of course... if looking at the graphic and seeing that the guy that wrote it can't spell "you're" right is a perfect illustration, right?)

But people keep trying... and trying...

The thing is, they don't change what they're doing. They make the same mistakes over and over. If you never change the way that you approach going into a relationship then how do you ever, ever, ever, expect things to change?

Over the course of my life, I can honestly say that I haven't made the same mistake more than 6 or 7 times. Some pills just suck.

So, the question is... why am I writing this today?

I am writing this because I have a DIlemma... yes, a genuine DI-lemma.

So... the question is...

Do I swallow the same bitter pill again? Or do I try a different cure?

More to come... as the days go on...

The Ugly Truth

Okay...

I think it's time I came out of the closet.

Over the past few years I've met a lot of women and rarely dated any of them.

I used the excuse that they weren't quite what I was looking for. When people would ask me what I was looking for, I would be very vague.

Well, it's time for me to come out of the closet and really explain in detail the type of person that I'm looking for.

First and foremost? She has to be a woman.

No surprises there...

What's next?

Everyone has their superficial list - I am no different. I would prefer someone between 4'11 and 5'4 tall, blah blah blah... but there's more to it than the superficial.

First, I am looking for a woman that has a deep faith in God.

I am a man of faith. I'm not perfect. I've made mistakes, but I generally across my life have always tried to be a man of God.

When I am with a true woman of God it frees me up to not compromise. I can spread my wings and do a relationship the only way that I really know how. It is a powerful thing to join hands with the person that you are with and pray. It's powerful. Very powerful.

To extend that... when I can open up my Bible and have a conversation about what I believe and talk with someone that brings the same fervor to the table is incredible.

There are many different bonds that exist between people. There's attraction, animal attraction, lust, love... sexual... the list goes on. When it's based on something deeper, then it feels different.

At least to me.

Other than that? She has to be attractive to me, and attractive to me takes on many different forms.

Now... the secret is out...

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Praise begins...

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Going to a new church is always interesting. I am always interested as to whether or not people will actually come up and speak... more on that later...

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So... I am trying out a new church today. I am sitting in their coffe bar - The Aroma Missions Cafe waiting for 9am...

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I think I will mobblog today. Expect updates from my phone all day!

An epiphany... of sorts...

So… the light bulb goes off today. Not in the sense that things were made darker, but in the sense that I had a moment of enlightenment.

I’m not sure that this is going to make a lot of sense to anyone but me… but here goes.

I am pretty sure that I’ve been inflicting my loneliness on other people. I’ve never really thought about that much until this morning. Sometimes there’s a part of me that really wants to be a part of community, even if it’s a community of 2 that I will allow my loneliness to become a little “over indulgent” and come across as interest to some unsuspecting soul that is really no better off than I am.

Now, I’m not saying this is always my modus operandi. It doesn’t hold true for people that I genuinely like… but people who are on the periphery? People that suck life from me? Maybe it’s my own pathos in a passive aggressive way to suck the life out of them the way they suck the life out of me.

I’m not sure.

Maybe it’s because I wasn’t hugged enough as a child and looking longingly into someone’s eyes and offering a deep embrace yields the illusion of love as I try to throw shovels of dirt into a chasm the size of the Grand Canyon so I can fill this hole that’s been growing in my heart.

What I do know is that I’m nearing 41 years old and pretending that this isn’t a fact of my life and just trying to wander around trying to find a path around it just isn’t working any more.

I’m not sure when I deviated from my path…

I suck

11:45pm

And my alarm clock is not set for 5am... but for 4:30am.

I am not asleep. I have a slight twinge in my lower back from laying improperly so I can type on my computer. I'm watching the move "Love Happens" again in hopes of finding some meaning.

Honestly, I know that meaning isn't going to come from a movie... it may be found in a book.

So... maybe... just maybe I'm creating a diversion.

It's not only possible, but it's probable.

So, here's what's on my mind for the evening.

I keep people at arms length. It's self preservation. If you keep people from getting close, then there is no chance that they will hurt you.

Sometimes, I'm still that wounded kid that grew up in central NY.

I've been in protection mode for so long, I'm not sure I know how to tear down the walls.

There... 3 truths... 3 truths that sum up who I am...

"Devote 5 minutes a day to smiling... just smiling, and after a while, it will come naturally" - that leading character in the movie that I'm watching just said that.

There's a lot of truth in that. It falls into the make it until you fake it category.

I think it's time I close my eyes and pretend to sleep. I'll write on those 3 things later on in the week.

Peace yo.

Automagic

Lately, I have been on automatic. A lot like those automatic watches. You know, the ones that you wear on your wrist that wind automatically when you wear them on your wrist and walk?

It's kind of like if I keep moving, everything will be okay.

The truth is, time marches on. That's the only thing that happens.

It doesn't solve problems. It doesn't change your life. Time... just moves on.

MAN! When did I become that person?

I don't agonize over my life, I just listen to the lives of others and nod my head at their dismay. But, no matter how dismal their lives are... they are in them... they are feeling them.

A long time ago, I promised myself that I was not going to ever lie to myself.

Now it's time to put test this.

So... self... what the heck is wrong with you. I want to know the answer!

Natural progressions

Life has a progression.

• You're born
• You suffer
• You die

Okay... that's a little melancholy. And, that was intended to be humorous. There really is more to life than that.

Now, then it comes to relationships, there really is a progression, or at least in my world - and they're best described in musical terms.

• Attack: The initial chemistry
• Decay: The end of the infatuation period
• Sustain: Faking it, because you think you have something... maybe
• Release: The realization that it was all an illusion

All of this really has me... numb.

Life saver to the rescue...

You know, I have some friends that think I'm co-dependent, while others think I have a god complex trying to save the world.

I don't think that I'm co-dependent because I don't need to be needed. As a matter of fact, I tend to tune out to people that NEED to talk to me. I tend to shy away from people that only want to talk about what's going on in their world.

I like balance.

I understand that life is hard, and we all go through stuff... but you can't dump all your stuff on my without giving me the chance to dump some of my stuff on you. That's what friends do... the vent... then get on with life, right?

Okay... I've digressed, a little... where was I? Balance... right.

Some people think I have a god complex because I have such strong opinions about the way the world should be. I have to admit, that I do have a rather unique view of the way the world is, and I do really believe that people should at least be open to my perspective. Not because I have any original ideas, but because at the root of it all, I will simply point you to God. (Not in the Bible bashing way... or in the Jesus is your best friend kind of way... I won't go into this now... but I may at some other point in time.)

I like throwing a life saver out to anyone that may catch it. Life is hard, and we all need a little help sometimes (humming to myself... "I'll get by with a little help from my friends...")

A new friend of mine, probably one of the most balanced and caring people that I know called me with some distressing news.

I wanted to throw her a life saver, but instead... told her a joke, I think.

This is one of those times that I wish I did have a magic pill to make things better, or even the right words to say.

I don't.

Finding my tribe...

Sometimes, I feel a little lost. I feel like I'm out there alone without my tribe on some Australian walkabout.

As I understand it, a walkabout is a right of passage where you have to go out there and learn to live on your own in the wild.

I've been there for a while.

Now, it's time to find my tribe, but it seams like my people have up and moved away. Things around me look familiar, but slightly different because I can't find my FREAKIN' tribe.

What's up with that, yo?

Under ordinary circumstances, things seem a little out of kilter, but now, things seem really off balance.

Balance, balance, wherefore art thou balance?

Navigating life...

I have to admit it. Navigating life is difficult.

There really is no manual. Christians believe that the answers can be found in the Bible. Islamic believe that it's in the Koran. Others believe that the answers can be found in meditation. Still others believe that the answers are found in a bottle or in pills.

Either way, it can be difficult.

There are too many variables.

Other people, family, the economy, health... so many things that we don't have control over.

A lot of people wonder how I can manage to maintain in a world that's chaotic.

My answer is to simplify. To me, the world exists in 2 different categories:

• Things we can't do anything about
• Things we can do something about

I tend to concentrate on the things that I can do things about. And even those get prioritized.

The other secret that I have is to get it out...

That's why I blog. Often, once I get it out on paper, I feel better... much better.

Coupling

Spring has sprung... and as a result, people are really hell bent on coupling.

During the winter, people hibernate... but when the weather is nice? People want someone in their life.

Thought... to be continued...

2 words... sounds like...

I hope I don't sound like a broken record.

I have some friends that I talk to that have reduced our "friendship" to a session where they do nothing more than talk about the following topics:

• My dating life sucks
• My life is a mess

I don't mind having the conversation about these, but I need more than the constant negativity.

There needs to be balance in all these things. I know I have some of the same matters in my own life, but I hope that my friendship with others extends beyond a shallow repetitive conversation.

It's not that I don't care, but I could use some good news too.

Ya know?

Share with me the good parts of your life, don't just call me to pick up the pieces.

Sometimes...

Sometimes, I feel like I'm on a road that's leading nowhere... except for maybe around in circles,

because I'm pretty sure that I've seen this place before.

I have always prided myself on not being the type of person that repeats the same mistakes over and over again, yet, oddly enough, I keep finding myself in the same situation over and over again.

What's up with that? Yo?

Honestly, I can look at it in one of 2 different ways... either I haven't learned the lesson that I'm supposed to learn, or... well, I guess there really is no other side of this coin.

Honestly, at the moment things are relatively frustrating for me.

Let's recap, I still work out of town. The number of friends I have because I'm never around has diminished to almost 0. (Okay... no almost about it...) The majority of the people I know are virtual... BLAAAAAAAAAAH....

On the positive side, I have managed to get my diet under control. I am 20 pounds lighter than I was when the new year started.

Be thankful for the small things in life...

I suppose

Fixing a disconnect...

Okay... so honestly, I don't know what I was thinking about when I was writing this post. It's 12/27 - I have 497 posts... I'm trying to get to 500...

That's when I noticed that several were in "draft form" - so, what I'm trying to do now is wrap up and finish those items so I can get 500 the honest way.

So... I was trying to fix some disconnect, and I don't know what it was.

Woooooow.... but, I blogged! That's the good part!

Follow the rules...

When it comes to dating, I have rules. One very important rule is:

Don't chase... it makes you look desperate.

This is important for a few reasons.

1) If you chase, you look desperate. Looking desperate is very unattractive.

2) If you chase, you look a little unstable. If you want someone too much, then you seem insecure.

When approaching someone, you want to be confident and a high value person. Get it?

This past week I have been preaching this to a friend of mine that has been chasing this guy like a hungry lost puppy.

Well I had a chance to test the theory. I met ts travel nurse . Actually I've known her for about a year. She's getting ready to come from the east coast to the west coast and "invited herself" to stop by for a weekend, since we've been hitting it off so well on the phone.

Well, she is suppose to come to town tonight and last night - yesterday - was the the first day that I didn't get her standard good morning message to me: good morning sweet cheeks.

I sent her a good morning message... no reply.

Around noon I sent her a joking message about her going away party.

Around 7pm I called to check in on her...

I shouldn't have made that phone call.

I should not have made that phone call.

I should not have made that phone call.

Well... here's the game plan... I am not going to call her again. Even if I never hear from her again.

The object is also not to appear desperate.

As much as I hate games, I know that I cannot answer her phone call when... if... she calls the first time. I have got to let it go to voice mail.

If she texts, I can't reply for about an hour.

It SUCKS...

But this year, I am following new rules:

• value yourself

Yeah, keep it simple...

Wish me luck.

Settling

I've spent some time thinking about it... thus the reason that I'm blogging again.

I have really high standards. Honestly I do.

The problem is, it gets lonely waiting for the person that I'm looking for, so I get sidetracked by people that are mildly interesting to me and I make compromises that I wouldn't ordinarily take.

The result is that I end up with women who end up being insecure because they can't see what I see in them, and they become slightly more than insecure.

So... I write this as a reminder... if I'm looking for someone that's well balanced, gainfully employed, and with a strong vision of how to live life, I need to wait until I find her, and not just migrate to the first reasonably cute person that seems half way together.

So... a word to myself...

Be patient.

Love,

Me

Where is love...

Sometimes, I get the feeling that there is someone out there for everyone... except for me.

I see beautiful women with these incredibly hideous looking guys that have no personality, no money, no intelligence, and I'm like REALLY?

REALLY?

You're kidding, right?

Sometimes it's like it's a cruel joke that the universe is playing with me.

I always end up as the friend, or the confidante and I'm not quite sure why. What I do know is that I collect attractive friends like my mailbox collects junk mail... I show up and they're just there...

So, now I'm curious.

If women say they want to date their best friend... and I end up being their best friend... Ohhhh, I don't know, the whole thing makes my head hurt.

I'm going back to bed.

I swear!!!

Sometimes I feel like someone has held me down and scribbled loser on my forehead.

I am a reasonably attractive guy. I take care of myself... I'm getting back into shape. I'm going to have 6 pack abs again.

I'm successful in my job, I have relatively no baggage, and I am a gem of a guy based upon the number of women that are quick to claim me as their friend and confidante.

Lately? I have been attracting a new type of woman.

Women who are currently or have in the past been "knocked up" by a crack head. Yes... a real, honest to goodness crack addict.

Or, have 3 kids by 3 different "baby daddy's."

They CLING to me, regardless of how I run...

It's only partially frustrating.

Where are the normal women?

And why won't they date me?

Hello... my name is...

When ever I go through the whole break up thing I always take a moment to blog and to figure things out.

Here's what I've figured out...

When it comes to dating, I'm relatively insecure.

Sad, but true.

I tend to date people who are interested in me and not people that I'm truly interested in. And that's just because they are willing to spend time with me.

Many of times, these people have issues and problems that I'm willing to overlook at first. Maybe it's loneliness, more than likely, it's my own insecurity - that I can't really do better.

Inevitably, what happens is we start dating, the "honeymoon" phase is gone, and I begin to see how messed up their lives truly are... I panic and want to run.

I am not saying that I'm perfect. I know I'm not. I have my own issues, but I tend to run from the following things:

• Women who want to move in too quickly
• Women who want me to cut off all my old friends
• Women who are too attached to their ex's emotionally
• Women who want me to change into what THEY want me to be

So... now I'm concentrating on me... and correcting this little known flaw.

I can be your friend... I can be your rock... I can't be your boyfriend AND rock.

Another one bites the dust...

Well... another relationship ended as easily as it began. The sad thing is... it really didn't have to end.

Here's what happened...

1st... she sent me a text message that was intended for another guy.

I asked her about it, she basically asked me if I could forget about it.

I almost did... however, we had other issues.

She never saw that she did anything wrong... everything was always something that I did. Something that I did wrong... So... I would change, slightly to come in line with her world views... and she would find another flaw.

I recognized that she never saw anything wrong in her eyes and decided that I should run.

What did I do wrong? I unplugged... Disengaged... partially because over the course of 3 months she gained like 30 pounds... Okay... if you love someone, you love them regardless of what they look like... but really?

Really?

I'm currently on a health kick. After the marriage I got up to 285 pounds. I was 185 when we got married. Right now, I'm at 222 and shrinking. Just before we broke up, I planned on what nutrition plan I was going to use (Nutrisystem) and which work out I was going to use (Insanity). I put in my mind that I was going to get back to my college weight.

So... I was 235 when we broke up... 222 now... and it's been a month... I feel good...

So... maybe I should be thanking her for giving me incentive to live a healthier life.

I'm not sure.

Either way, I'm taking a few months off dating.

What the heck happened?

There was a time when I really enjoyed what I did for a living. I would gladly bring work home and work on it after the family went to sleep... I dug what I did for a living and learning new things.

Then something happened...

I guess it was getting outsourced 3 times that kind of took the wind from my sails... that had me trying to learn/do things just to find work where my heart really wasn't at the time.

Now? I'm in a position where my contract is going to be up in a few months... and I am dreading the job hunt... but it has to be done.

FRUSTRATING.

E-freakin-motions...

Emotions are a tricky thing...

I have feelings for this woman that I'm seeing. She has feelings for me...

The feelings run very deep, but it lacks passion?

I dunno...

For the next few days I'm going to spend some time working through how I feel.

I know I have feelings for her. I know they are deep and true. What I'm more concerned with is my ability to tap into any emotion other than sadness.

I'm not saying that I'm sad when I'm with her. That's not the case at all, but the only emotion that I'm identifying with at the moment is sadness.

I feel sad that someday she's going to leave... that this, whatever we have, is going to end.

I "gotsta" explore this...

What is love?

So... earlier this week - the woman that I'm dating said "I love you..."

Shortly after she said that, she looked at me intently and asked my how I felt about that. I looked at her for a moment, put my arms around her and said - "I really believe you when you say that." I know a lot of people think the appropriate response to "I love you" is to say "I love you" back.

During the course of my "interviewing" many women have given me the "I love you." I have a few standard responses:

• Thanks
• It's okay, we're adults - it's important that we take ownership of our emotions
• Yeah (insert belly laugh here), right!
• Are you trying to convince you or me?

This is actually interesting. I was married for 15 years and I never really thought my ex-wife EVER meant it when she said it to me. I mean, she honestly hates me and she still wall call me "baby".

It's amazing how empty words can be sometimes, but it's an amazing thing when things click and you know somethings right.

Either way... I'm still planning on dating for 2 years. I'm not going to rush this one to marriage.

Thinking happy thoughts...

A lot of times when I enter into a new relationship I miss the euphoria that is generally present. There usually is a bit of anxiety in wondering what the person thinks about you... are they actually going to hang around...

There really is a lot of fear. For me at least.

I guess you can chalk that up to my own set of insecurities. The number of false starts that I've had in the past - where I've been interested in people and for some strange reason, they run...

Well... the person that I'm currently seeing... we've been together for almost 2 months. We spend a LOT of time together and it's as new and as fresh as it was in the beginning.

It's great!

We talk, we act silly... we have this really odd balance that's really pretty rare.

So... I was sitting there the other day, patiently waiting for the other shoe to drop when it suddenly hit me...

I hold the key to happiness firmly in the palm of my hand.

All I have to do is embrace it, live in the moment and have fun.

THIS is what being at peace feels like... cool.

Completely off the rails...

I think I've said this before, but I'm pretty sure I have an addictive personality.

I won't buy 1 guitar... I'll buy 50 to get to the 19 that I have now.

I won't buy 1 piece of work out equipment, I'll buy a whole gym and put it in my basement.

The list goes on... I don't do moderation very well in my life.

That's one of the reasons that I don't drink and that I won't do drugs.

If I allowed myself that, I would have to take it to the limit. That is who I am. In my extended nuclear family we are either really successful or complete bums. It's just a fact.

My goal in life has been to stay away from people that would exercise peer pressure over me. Now, I'm dating someone that has that potential. That's a dangerous thing.

I don't want to change her... She doesn't want to change me... but one of us is going to have to change.

Ya think?

To top it off...

I had this friend... a friend that I had known for the last 11 months of this year.

She was a good friend to me... and we always had this underlying tension.

She wanted to date me. I really cared for her, but understood that there was this underlying volatility that she had in her life that caused me to run.

I always cared for her though. More than she could have imagined. It hurts that I could have never dated her regardless of how I cared.

When I started dating the current chica, she was hurt. Bad. I feel sad, and oddly enough, I miss her.

Her parting words to me were - "You are not a typical male, but what you did was pretty typical."

Things change...

Okay... I am not a drinker. I don't like the taste of alcohol. I struggle when the person that I'm dating drinks.

Let's walk through this...

It takes a moment for me to actually find someone that I'm into who meshes with my twisted personality.

When they drink, they become someone other than who I adore.

That causes problems for me.

I had the opportunity to witness the person that I'm currently seeing drunk this weekend.

I am still not sure how I feel aboutthis.

She also likes to club... I am so not a clubber.

I really like her. I have the potential of really getting hurt here. Hurt because this isn't one of those infatuation type romances. We've worked at it... really, really worked at it.

I'm afraid.

Afraid that it's not going to work... even more afraid that it's going to work.

The one thing I know is that I am not going to sabotage this... or at least try not to.

That drowning feeling...

I don't get it.

People are suppose to enjoy relationships.

I always feel like I'm drowning.

I am seeing a woman that is interested in me for me. She listens, is rational... slightly more emotionally detached at times than I'm comfortable with...

She gives me space when I want it, understands balance...

Tonight, I'm going to give her an excuse to run.

She wants a child.

My youngest are 14.

If I wanted to have children my timeline would be something like this:

• Date for 2 years
• Engaged for 1 year
• Solidify the marriage for 5 years
• THEN start trying to have kids

That's 8 years before trying and I will be in my late 40's by then and she will be nearing 40. I would not be able to give this child all the energy I gave mine. Scout leading, coaching, running around playing football. Right now I can still get out there and be competitive on the b'ball courts with my 17 year old and his friends and intend to be in better shape when my twins are that age.

I wonder if that's what the drowning feeling comes from?

Me? A typical man? ... probably...

I generally don't think of myself as being a typical man, but every once in a while I pull a typical guy move.

I feel really bad about it too... because I try so hard not to be typical, but if I can fall and do a typical guy move are we all as mankind hopeless to fall into this plight called "typical"?

Here's the back story.

I met this woman on a dating site in Feb of this year. Her screen name eluded to there being "no drama" but she was obviously pregnant in her picture. I personally couldn't see how there could be no drama.

We met, and she "kept me around" because I didn't get on her nerves.

She always had this volatility that kind of rested under the surface. I had the feeling that I settled her and that she needed that kind of settling in her life.

But... with all of that said, she was like my "road dog" - I would hang out over her house, she would hang out over my house.

For 9 months 3 out of 4 weekends a month I was at her house or she was at mine.

I am sure she was attached.

I was attached.

But I communicated to her that I would never date her.

I was like the Dad to her child that her "baby daddy" never was. I was her baby whisperer.

Then... out of the blue... I started dating someone else.

Caught her by surprise.

Caught me by surprise.

She wrote me an e-mail and said - "you're not a typical male, but what you did was pretty typical."

Yes... it probably was.

She will never know how much I care for her or why I couldn't date her...

I suck.

Okay...

So... apparently, I'm dating.

I met this woman a couple weeks ago. She's 30, and she kind of thinks like me, uses some of the same phrases that I use... it's almost like my house has been bugged.

Anyway, I'm probably going to be blogging here... to make sure that I keep my mind right.

I don't want another Abby incident.

More later...

You didn't think I would find out???

So... for anyone that's been reading my blog for a while you know that my one rule for dating is that EVERYONE gets judged by time and consistency.

I met this delightful young lady, professional, beautiful, nice to talk to... but I knew something was just a little askew.

She lives on Oklahoma, and I live ... well, in a different state - we thought we could get along well, but neither of us was interested in a long distance relationships.

She's also one of those people that just can't be out of a relationship and has only really been rejected once in her life.

She has been battling, or rather embracing, anorexia since she was in her 20's and... well... that doesn't make you a bad person.

So... in the spirit of our friendship, I sent her a text message yesterday telling her that I had a date tonight and that I was pretty excited about it. Her reply was:

"F*** off! So, what? We've decided to see other people now???"

I was like... HUH... where did that come from?

Seconds later she called me and apologized. She thought I was one of the other GUYS she was seeing.

Glad I found that out now rather than later... and I'm glad there's some distance too.

Blurred vision...

My rose colored glasses are broken and my vision is blurred.
I thought she called my name, but I misheard.
It was oh so clear, was I imagining things?
Will I ever find my queen in this land of kings...

Or something like that...

I wanted to wax poetical for a second and introduce a little whimsy because what I have to say is serious.

Serious

When it comes to matters of the hear, my vision is blurry and I'm pretty sure I'm half blind.


So, last week I was talking about this really beautiful woman that I went to visit. I talked about how great the visit was, how great a time we had... and I'm now convinced that I missed every single signal that she was sending saying - "ahem, I'm not interested... I'm just being polite here..."

But... in all honesty, that's not the part that frustrates me. The part that frustrates me is that I was more interested in her beauty and was willing to accept things about her that I would have never accepted from anyone else.

I am willing to compromise in matters of the heart?

I suppose... for a moment... but how long will that moment last?

The other thing that frustrates me...

is that I realize these things, then go back to the basics... again... which is where I am... now.

Basically alone.

And I'm okay with that...

Getting to know you.....

Okay... for those of you that are regular readers of my blog, you know I'm not one that hops from relationship to relationship.

I think, with the exception of my ex-wife, over the last the 3 years, this is the 3rd woman that has graced the pages of my blog.

So...

Here I am... trying to talk through this one...

1st, I'm pretty sure that she likes me... But I'm a little more into her than she is into me.

So, I am here, writing tring not to make a mess of this.

Here are our unique challenges:

1) She lives in Fl/I live in Alabama

2) She's works full time, is a Mom of 3, and a college student - translation? Not a lot of time

3) I can't run to FL every weekend because I have sons that I need to see...

4) She can't run up here due to her sons playing football on Saturdays

5) There are more, but isn't this enough?

So... how do I reach out to her and let her know that I'm interested without being too overbearing? I kind of want this to work...

Where have I been???

Okay... a lot has been going on in my world, and as a result of some recent turns of events, I feel the need to start blogging again.

I started off the summer taking a series of breaks...

I took a break from the internet, I took a break from TV, I took a break from friends, I took a break from dating...

Everything that was a distraction - gone.

Next, I started enjoying life again.

The lure of social networking sites, dating sites and even blogs can actually become a world in itself, and what I found was that I was starting to miss out on... life.

So...

Now, I don't have cable anymore. I usually watch a program on Hulu at night before I drift off to sleep.

I'm beginning to understand who my real friends are...

And lastly, but more importantly - after hearing people tell me that my expectations were too high and that I never would find the person that I ws looking for... I have actually found someone that both appreciated my quirkiness and who I am as a person, as I do them.

Now... the object is to not mess things up.

So... gotta blog.

Breathe...

Inhale...

hold it.

hold it.

hold it.

hold it.

Exhale.

There are some days when that's about all that I can do.

Inhale...

hold it.

hold it.

hold it.

hold it.

Exhale.

Somehow, my world is becoming myopic, while I've always wanted it to be bigger than life...

Inhale...

hold it.

hold it.

hold it.

hold it.

Exhale.

I want to scream, but I lack the energy.

Inhale...

hold it.

hold it.

hold it.

hold it.

Exhale.

I think I just want to curl up into a little ball.

Inhale...

hold it.

hold it.

hold it.

hold it.

Exhale.

Stepping outside yourself...

Every once in a while you need to step outside yourself and objectively take a look at your life.

This, turns out to be a very difficult thing to do because we are entrenched in our own lives. It makes it difficult.

Then... one day, when you finally get a chance, you look in the mirror and your don't recognize who you are. There are a few more grey hairs, a few more wrinkles, a lot more pounds around the middle of your body.

Wow.

I find that I'm less optimistic than I previously have been. I can actually for the first time in the 40 years that I have been alive - feel the weight of life on my shoulders. Not a fun feeling.

The good thing is... that I recognized it.

Now let's see if I can get back to who I am and fix this...

So... that's where I am. Taking a good look at who I am. Which means...

BLOG time.