Jerry

It was really good to see these guys again...

This is Jerry...

Alan

Alan is a super bad bass guitar player. Not bad meaning bad... but bad meaning good...

Gary

it's been a long time since i've been to m'top...

heading to church

taking the boys to their evening programs and catching up with the oldest... hopefully.

jam session

now it's time for a good ole fashioned jam session. Joshua is wailing away on the drums. It's not a great picture, but we had a great time!

transferring

Transferring posts to my 360 page.

Joshua is...

Joshua is in the computer room chatting... Jam session coming up in about 30 minutes.

watching Tin Man on Sci Fi

Of course... he's never seen the Wizard of Oz... so none of this is really making any sense to him at all...

huh, what???

Antibiotics, anti-convulsants, mood stabilizers and sex hormones found in the tap water of 41 million homes. Wow

What does the timer say?

Caleb said... "I don't know, so I just set it for an hour."

Can you say extra crispy?

lunch time...

Bake wings for how many minutes? 20....

a word from our sponsor....

This post is brought to you by Coca Cola, and not that substitute Coke Zero.

Our hero is racing cross town to pick up the kids.

hey kids...

you said you wanted to go to Mtop and missed Matt. One word describes Providence today. Incredible.

Matt, from the Basement

The Basement is a ministry that started with 4 people in an actual basement that has grown to a ministry of about 5,000 young people.

Pastor Joel

Introduces our guest speaker for the day...

Mike

What exactly are you doing? Texting?

I am blogging... and now you're a part.

worship begins

okay.....

maybe i should have worn a little jacket

Kinch says

White grape cherry is "da bomb"

where am I?

http://providencebham.com

early morning brushup

today i am working with the parking team... early in, band is doing brushup for paise and worship.

on the way to my church

taking the boys to church

Goo Goo Dolls

Sessions, on A&E

procrastination

what's the weather like?

What I decide to wear is highly dependant on the weather. Looks like it's going to be a good day.

can i help?

personal grooming

being bald is hard work

a day in the life of..

I signed up for mobile blogging today. I can now post on the fly. Today... you will get a play by play of a day in my life.

daylight savings time

We're all in this together...

I've learn a lot be reading blogs. Just last week - I learned that there are a lot of people that feel the same way that I feel... like I don't fit in and that I'm always on the outside.

I've always attributed that to skin color, honestly. It has always been my belief that birds of a feather flock together and I've never been around birds that were similar to me.

That turns out not to be true. I've talked with people that should be all means be a part of the "cool kids" - the in crowd based upon beauty and personality that feel far more on the outside than I do.

Odd.

So, I spent last week going to support groups trying to find where I fit in. I did some group sampling.

To some degree, I felt like the character in Fight Club - you know, the beginning of the movie where Jack is attending these various meetings trying to feel.

There were some groups where I really liked the guys, but felt uncomfortable in the group because they were struggling with things that I don't struggle with.

Anyway, I think I found a group that I can identify with. We had our first meeting yesterday. People were very quick to share where where they were... where they've come from and accepted me with open arms.

It felt good.

Why didn't anyone tell me about these before?

The road less travelled

I'm in the process of trying to increase my overall fitness level. Well, I now carry my Montague folding mountain bike in the back of my car, so when the mood hits, I can hop on it and ride.

While heading out today I saw an old railroad track that I assumed was unused... I quickly changed into my riding clothes, cranked the tunes on my satellite radio and took to the road less travelled.

It was a good but bumpy ride... I did maybe 10 miles - 5 each way. I basically rode until I came to... a train car.

Overall, I think it was a good day... can't wait to get out tomorrow and see where my travels lead me.

It was a rough and tough ride, lots of bumps. Thanks to the clipless pedals I was able to grind it out with greater stability than I would have otherwise.

I know this is probably really boring reading... and for those of you that have made it this far I applaud you. The agony of reading this was equal to my trail ride, I assure you.

If you made it this far... I hope you have a smile on your face much like mine!

Here's to healthy living.

Cheers.

My thoughts on interracial dating.

I remember when this picture was taken. It was shortly after my ex-wife and I filed for divorce. I remember it like it was yesterday, but it was several years ago. Before I came to my senses and decided not to date.

Now, that I've been thinking about dating I have been trying to decide what it is exactly that I'm looking for... what my motives are... why...

I've decided that if I date again, it's going to be an interracial relationship.

Now, there are a lot of reasons why people enter into interracial relationships. Some do it because they were harmed by people in their own race when they were younger, and they wish to venture into something taboo, exotic or different.

I like to think that my reasons are slightly more pure.

Most people's notion of beauty is based upon what they grew up around. Like I said before, I grew up in a place that was 49% Irish Catholic, 49% Italian Catholic. My notion of beauty is really based upon what I grew up seeing on a daily basis.

It's not that I don't find women of color to be attractive. I do. It's just not as... comfortable for me. I would be comfortable dating a woman of color that grew up similarly to the way that I did.

It's not that I'm closed minded, I would entertain conversations with anyone... but you have to have a preference. And... this is mine.

Chasing my dreams...

I've mentioned that I've been job hunting. Chasing a job.

I think today, I'm going to do things a little different. Today? I'm going to chase my dreams.

I'm not sure that I am going to make any money chasing my dreams or even whether or not it will be profitable, but there comes a point in time where you need that one thing that will cause your passions to grow.

So... I dedicate today to getting my message out there today - and seeing who will respond.

I'll post an update next week.

So... this is what the world is like???

I have a friend that is a local celebrity. Whenever people talk about her they always use her first and last name. She can't just be first_name. She is always the compound name.

That's one of the reasons why I initially retreated from the world. When I was fast tracked and making my way up the corporate ladder, there were people that were interested in me for what I could do for them and not in me as an individual.

I even talk about my former marriage in that way. Utilitarian. Not really relationship based.

I used to hold these weekly jam sessions in my studio with other musicians. The object was to work on enjoy something that we all enjoy. Playing good music. But that would always degrade because people were far too interested in their own projects instead of coming together as a group.

I've gone to support group meetings with friends of mine. Al-anon, Narc-Anon... whatever, just to be supportive. One of the things that always amazed me was how they always introduced themselves before they said something - "My name is blah-blah, and I'm an [insert addiction here]." Everyone greets them by their name and listens intently. Almost as if they care. And I'm sure they do. After the meeting, they embrace each other... talk.

I think it's because they realize that they share something together that bonds them on a level that fosters openness and honesty, which is the foundation of all friendships and relationships.

So, today - I leave you with this welcome message.

Hi, my name is Dwane, I'm a human being.

Weekly Workout Update

Last week was a good week.

I basically stuck to my diet. Mostly. There were no binges, nothing in excess. I worked out regularly and increased my overall intensity.

Every day I ran between 1 1/2 and 2 miles, cycled, core trained. Even on off days I dusted off my bike and road for a couple hours just for variety.

I feel stronger. Which is a good sign.

I'm not going to post a weight this morning. But I will next week. With measurements.

Right now? I'm going to hit the gym.

Loneliness

Loneliness sucks.

A lot of people that have gone through a divorce or a break up experience loneliness. This is one of the primary reasons why people immediately get into relationships quickly. ANY relationship.

I'm a little different.

I was lonely in the marriage. I had felt overwhelmingly lonely while I was married. Overwhelmingly.

After the divorce, the feelings of loneliness left.

Until yesterday.

I mistakenly thought that my sons were coming over last night for the weekend. Turns out that they aren't coming over until next weekend the first full weekend in March.

Lesson learned: Loneliness comes from having expectations.

Only seemingly contradictory...

I am a bundle of contradictions. On one hand I can put "fat" pictures of me on the internet for the whole world to see... I talk frankly about what I struggle with and how I struggle. On the other hand, for my friends, I keep them all at arms length.

The ball of contradiction that I am is like the sign pictured here that simultaneously wants people to enter in, but I have this big DANGER sign that says don't enter.

Why is that?

I think it's really easy for me to put things in my blog because I don't personally know many of the people that read it. For many of the people that do read it, I frequently use this as a vehicle to say things to them that I wouldn't be able to say under ordinary circumstances.

People that read this blog WANT to read it.

Therein lies my dilemma. I don't open up in real life because I am ultimately afraid that people will reject the notion of who I am for being way too dark (not in color, but in personality *wink, nudge*)

In all honesty, I'm really a light hearted goofball with a quirky sense of humor. I have a biting sarcastic wit... I see subtle irony that exists as a subtext to the situation.

To the people that have managed to weather the storm and make it to the inside, they understand that despite the occasional social faux pas, I am a dedicated and loyal friend and a confidante.

The problem is… that this side doesn’t really come out… until I am comfortable enough to let you in to my world.

What I’m not sure is to how to let the worlds collide. I’m not sure how to be my affable self until the wall comes down.

In truth, the walls don’t come down.

You either scale the wall… or I open the gates and let you in. And thus I have come full circle to where I was freakin’ months ago with no attainable change. I have come around to the same point again.

I keep putting myself out there… but there is no change.

So I must change.

Humble Beginnings

Well… this is me… 226 pounds. 44% Body fat. Sucks. I know how I got here. Slowly, deliberately. I miss being 180 pounds of rippling muscle. Every year I say I’m going to start the process of getting back in shape. I’ve been doing it every year since I was 30.

Honestly, this is an improvement. A few years ago I weighed 275. I recall how much hard work and dedication went into losing 50 pounds. I’m also really proud of myself for maintaining without weight gain over the last 2 years.

Well, I’m making the big push again… honestly. Target? To lose 35 pounds… get down to 190.

The key is proper diet and a lot of exercise. The hard part is staying motivated. So, I’m going to use this blog in order to give you weekly updates as to how I’m doing.

So… here is my starting point… Monday check in… 226 pounds… 44% body fat. Arrrrgh…

Emotionally unbalanced... but in a good way.

I admit it. I'm emotionally unbalanced... but in a good way. My overall emotional state is... stoic. Always even. I chuckle when appropriate... I chuckle when it's not appropriate.

The only time that I cry, honestly, is when I talk about growing up in Rome. When I talk about not fitting in. When I talk about people that I wanted to befriend that I couldn't connect with.

So... that's 2 emotional states. Stoic and Sad.

So, what I've decided is that in order for me to find true balance - regain emotional balance - is to process the anger and sadness that I feel about growing up where I did... on the outside.

I talk about it... but I think I need to embrace it.

I'll add that to my 3 year plan... this one may take a while...

She never stood a chance...

I admit it... I'm introspective. And I never lie to myself. I am insatiable and I will always... always dig down to the truth - no matter how painful it is.

I had yet and still another revelation this morning while doing my morning workout.

Are you ready? Are you sitting down?

My marriage never stood a chance. And I think I may have been the root cause.

Okay... here's the back story...

Take one person (me) that has never managed to figure out how to fit into the world.

Take one person (my ex) that appears to be likeable by the world, but is ultimately insecure.

Put these 2 people together and it's a recipe for disaster.

I made no qualms about it, I really didn't feel like I fit in at all - even in the marriage... a place where I should have ultimately felt safe, I didn't. I couldn't quite figure out how to relate. Neither of us could relate, no relationship, disaster.

I think that's part of the reason that I now obsess on building relationships now.

The difference now is I recognize these things. I can articulate these things... Should I choose to get into another relationship, we can at least discuss these things from the beginning. Definitely a better chance for success.

It's just a shame that it took this long to get to this point on my journey to sanity.

Uncomfortably numb

Laughter is cheap and easy because it can be done without truly having to emotionally invest. Laughter doesn't require you to be happy or full of joy to experience it. It's really kind of this throw away thing that you can do - to make people think all is well in your world.

Laughing works when you want to convey the fact that you're nervous, uncomfortable, contentment... a whole range of "notions" that makes people think that you're emotionally balanced - when in fact? You're numb.

In all honesty, in order to be truly emotionally balanced it requires investment and risk. You have to be willing to invest yourself in a situation... in a moment... with a person...

Why am I talking about this? I went to see a play yesterday. “Dog Sees God. Confessions of a Teenage Blockhead.” This play is a spoof of Peanuts where Snoopy is put to sleep after contracting rabies and killing Woodstock. It’s all about CB’s quest for meaning after this event.

DSG is a 2 act play. The first act is really very funny. Laugh out loud funny. Act 2 is really dark and serious and emotionally touching. When did I get to a point where I couldn’t invest in a moment in a dark theatre full of anonymous strangers?

My 1 year goal… to become emotionally honest. Embrace the risk of feeling.

Advice needed...

Church has always been my primary social outlet. My "friends" have always been people at the church that I talk with at church related functions 2 or 3 times a week. That's primarily why I put the word "friends" in quotes. They aren't really friends, just people that I'm social with. I haven't quite managed to transition the friendship out of the events like others seam to be able to.

The dilemma. Under ordinary circumstances, my Social Anxiety Disorder causes me to really think that people are disinterested, but Sunday - I honestly believe people were actually walking in the other direction when I was approaching. To test the theory... I tried 2 or 3 times and saw the same thing occur.

I think it's because I offended someone in the group because of my uncomfortability in social settings - at times I can come across as stand-offish because it's not a comfortable situation to be in when your heart starts beating faster... palms start sweating... mouth dries.... brain starts racing... eyes look up at the ceiling when talking to people...

My question is... should I tell people that I suffer from this problem? Would they believe me? There are times when we've gone out in social situations and I've been "half-normal" - at a real great effort...

I really don't know what I should do in this situation. Help... or advice welcomed. Seriously.

A rare aside....

This picture is making it's rounds via e-mail. If you haven't seen it, you probably will soon. The body of the e-mail reads something like this:

"If you're going to make a false id, make sure it's not a picture of you... and your girlfriend"

SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder)

For years I have suffered from Social Anxiety Order - which can be confused with being extremely shy... it's really gotten worse. I've always relied on my "adapted style" - which is basically to look for a need, then feed that need - allowing being busy to cover up my basic social fear.

But now that I'm on sabbatical, without the ability to throw myself into my adapted style, unless my interactions are utilitarian I really am having difficulty talking with people, unless it's in one-on-one situations.

Honestly, I've never really understood how to act in a group setting. I tend to be very quiet, always wondering what people are thinking about me - whether I get the approval. At the end of the evening I go home and wonder if the words I said were the correct ones... wondering why my phone didn't ring...

It's a terrible terrible terrible condition to have. I have been like this my whole life and it even effects the way that I interact with my own immediate family (Mom, Dad, brothers/sisters). It's even worse when dealing with people that I don't know.

It's really gotten to the point that I don't leave my house unless I have to. Then I toss on my sunglasses and put my in ear sound isolation ear buds in. I'm all business - go out, do what I have to do and don't interact with anyone.

The funny thing is that I am really fine in a one-on-one situation. In a larger group, I just get lost because I don't understand the dynamic.

My short term goal for the next 6 months is to put myself into small group settings and to learn to interact in small group settings without it being utilitarian... strictly social.

Wish me luck.

Life in Reverse

Sometimes, I think I've lived my life in reverse.
When I was 9 years old, I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life. I knew that I wanted to be a computer scientist. I studied hard to learn binary math, multiple programming languages - all before I went to college. How many people enter college, knowing what they are going to major in... and get to major in their hobby?
I got married in my early 20's because I was ready to be married - and for the most part, was a decent husband and an excellent Father.
Now... I'm not sure what it is that I want to do from a career perspective. Socially... I'm kind of - out of balance... it's really... odd.
I'm going to have to go back to the beginning... back to the things that really helped me through life.
I need to make plans - 6 months, 1 years, 3 years, 5 years...
I'll post about it ... soon.

Just because...

Just because you can see doesn't mean that you can see.

I remember when my oldest son had his first eye checkup. When we took him in to pick up his glasses I remember what happened when we walked outside. He looked up and saw the clouds, the trees across the street - his whole world was brought into sharp focus and on the whole trip home he was looking out the window at what appeared to be a new world.

I had a series of these moments over the past month. When my contract ended leaving me unemployed for the time being, I've found myself with a lot of free time (in between job hunting). I've found out a lot about myself spiritually, emotionally, physically. I now view myself in a whole new light.

Things are falling into sharp focus... over the next couple weeks I'm going to start posting about these changes in my life. The things that I'm struggling with... this... could be interesting.