Recap of the story thus far...

May will be 2 years since the divorce was final.

2 years!

I have grown a lot and honestly took the time to learn who I am. I can honestly say that for the first time in a long time I am the guy that I remember... mostly.

I am happy with who I am.

Dazed AND Confused...

Okay. I had an epiphany of sorts today. 

Church was awesome. We had a guest minister talk about what it means to be who we are in terms of our relationship with Christ and the implications that the choice to be Christian in more than a lip service manner has on our life.

He basically said "you can't say one thing and live another way, it's a lie... either you believe and it has meaning in your life or you're really not what you say you are."

Ouch harsh words.

Then... we had Deacon/Elder training. It was basically reiterated - the serious nature of what it means to be a leader in the church.

So... it was solidified in my life at that moment: forget the whole notion of dating for a moment and concentrate on living in the grace of God.

I said good bye to a lot of people, took my profile down from the dating site...

Well, tonight, I went to a jazz club. It was suppose to be an open mic night where people could play, but there was a jazz band there that was pretty good. This really attractive blond woman comes over to me and starts a conversation. I behave... Good.

Then... a 20 something Midwestern girl comes over. Jet black hair, red lipstick, slightly drunk, rolling her own unfiltered cigarette type comes over and is in full flirt mode. She's from Wisconsin and working down here now, and completely not into the whole southern outlook on life. Clearly the hottest woman in the room comes over to me... puts her number in my phone and says we should hang out.

It's just odd.

You go through the whole internet dating thing where you feel like you're being judged... so you just give up... then something like this happens.

Now, I know she's not my type. But she may be fun to hang out with. We'll see.

Sometimes, I just don't get life.

Ouch...

My heart hurts.

For the past few weeks I have been talking with a delightful young lady that we'll call Tab. Tab and I actually really clicked. I mean... there are people that were interesting to me in the past that I've dated for a number of reasons, but it's rare that I meet someone that I genuinely click with.

This happened with Tab. It wasn't an I think you're a hottie/cutie I want to kiss you kind of way, but in a genuine heart to heart kind of way. It's rare to make that kind of connection. Especially for me.

Well, the currently, her Mom said that she would "disown" her if she dated me solely based upon race.

She wants to continue to see me... but it's awkward.

I am sad.

Curioser and Curiouser...

Anyone that knows me knows that I don't drink.

However, it completely amazes me the number of times that I get drunk dialed and drunk texted. It's amazing.

If anyone could explain to me why this happens I would appreciate it.

Now, although I sometimes get the drunk dial that says "Why can't we be together? You do love me, don't you?"

What I get more often is... 

• I'm drunk and I'm driving home, just stay on the phone with me. (Yes, I get that from a LOT of people)

Maybe, just maybe... I'm just on a lot of peoples mind and they just need to loosen their inhibitions in order to really appreciate me?

All I know is that my life is odd. And it's getting more odd every day.

Learning lessons...

When people say "I love you" it's not always healthy.

Sometimes, it's an act of desperation, sometimes it's an act of self preservation... rarely is it truly pure.

The object is to... find pure love.

Harder than you think. It's difficult to peer into someones heart and see if their intentions and motives are pure.

It's nice to be recognized...

I am a very principalled individual. I live my life by a set of ideals that a lot of people don't really grasp. And basically, I hold out hope that the type of person that I'm looking for will eventually grasp that and come out of the woodworks and hunt me down.

I meet a lot of people. I meet a lot of great people. However, there's these things that I'm looking for that I can't compromise on.

So... I really decided to put it all out there and make it plane - explain what I'm really looking for in painstakingly exscruciating detail... and I received this in response:

I wanted to tell you that your profile is one of the very few I have found compelling in a really long time. You seem like someone I would like to have in my life... as a friend or more. But obviously you are so far away that isn\'t possible. But I just wanted to tell you I read your profile and I approve... I can tell you have a good momma  Good luck

Makes me feel good...

You can be my wingman any time...

Okay... I was really feeling low last night. I admit it. Part of my issue has always been that I don't feel like I fit in.

I took last night to throw all of my normal thought out the window and just be.

Things started with Nate's going away party. 4 guys... 4 girls... the people that I call the "cool kids" from church. They are more like family than friends. It's a crew that I've always tried to become a part of for the greater part of 2 years. I think I'm finally able to say tat I've accomplished the goal. I was greeted with hugs, people were engaging me in conversation as I them... it was good. A high even.

On my way home, I went to a local bar where friends of mine were playing. I always get in without a cover. Mike's wife was there with a friend of theirs that I met before and her boyfriend in from Atlanta. I asked him to be my wingman for the evening... I HAD A GREAT TIME.

I'm not a drinker, so I didn't bother... but I did have the opportunity to just hang with people. I got to pick up really hot girls... hang with super guys... it was like I owned the place. At the end of the night, people were coming up to me!

Granted... this was one of those  special occasions where I was completely out of my own head. No thinking allowed. Just the impulse of forgetting all the worries of the world.

It was good.

I need a wingman.

Backwards...

Okay...

So, I'm sitting here in my living room wrapped in a cheap burgundy blanket that I stole from some airplane that I was recently on.

As  I was sitting here, I was thinking about the things that I could do to get me out of the funk that I'm in.

Every idea tat I came up with was a self improvement project. The overall flavor was - if I can just do this... accomplish that things will be better.

The problem that I'm facing is that I am lonely.

That is not a problem that I can solve internally.

I am going to have to have to move outside of who I am in order to resolve this. I am going to have to risk being open.

The question is... who am I?

Mother %&(#$#@$

I have a lot of unresolved anger. I'll admit it. I keep it bottled up inside. When something ticks me off I add another little bottle to my pantry.

The problem is that my pantry is so full of little freakin' bottles that there's no room for happiness, joy, love.

That... and I compensate with being overly polite and nice because I know deep down inside I am riddled with a lot of hatred and anger.

For this reason, I don't easily give love or friendship, or anything because I know what lives on the inside. There's the constant fear of being exposed.

So,  here ya freakin' go. I'm going to take a moment to get this off my chest. The things that TICK ME OFF!

This may take a while, because I want this to be a true catharsis.

I'll start from the top... Mom.

Mom, you stifled my growth. you thought you were being protective by not allowing me to go over peoples houses or go to a lot of after school activities - but this is where you learn how to be social.

I remember being a teenager asking you if I could go outside and you said I could go outside, but I had to stay on the front porch. We lived in a SAFE neighborhood where everyone truly knew everyone.

Even now, you use your fears of strangers and others to try to hinder my social life.

I am angry at you because you have always tried to give me your life. A life where you stay at home and talk with people on the phone and experience life vicariously through their eyes.

You've succeeded Mom... you have succeeded.

You tell me that I am so much like my Dad, but as I talk with people that knew him - they all say he was social and affable.

I have inherited your lack of social skills.

For that reason? I am alone. Unable to give love.

I recall being at family functions and seeing Mom sit in a different room as we all interact with each other. Uncomfortable with her own family.

I am my Mother's child.

And I hate this. 

It's 1am...

It's 1am. I am in San Antonio, in a hotel room alone.

This is not how I pictured my life.

Or is it? When I pictured my life growing up, I never dreamed about being surrounded by a close group of friends or even family.

My dreams always involved me... and the one woman that I loved - that loved me with an equal amout of ferocity and devotion.

Ironically? Those that have dated me have said that I do not love with the type of abandon that I crave.

So... at 1am, I sit in my hotel room... alone.

I am frustrated.

Two paths

So... yesterday in the middle of a school parking lot I was yelling at X at the top of my lungs. (For the uninitiated, X is what I call my ex wife.)

We have been divorced for 2 years and regardless of the number of times I ask to see progress reports, to be kept informed with what's going on with the boys, I never hear a thing... that is... until I get a call from the principal at the school because there's an issue.

I am the type of parent that likes to pro-actively partner with the child and the school in order to come up with solutions and give the child the tools they need to be successful. X likes to go in and make excuses because the child has no responsibility in her opinion. Delightful.

So... in the parking lot, when she asked me to help, and she said no to every solution that I had to offer - and I asked her what her ideas were and she said - "you can figure it out..." I completely lost it.

Why is it so hard for her to realize that as primary custodian - she's like the front-line manager. If she doesn't let me know what the problems are, she can't expect me, a key stakeholder, to come in and resolve the problem while it's still fixable.

So... We both have 2 paths.

She can continue with the path that she is on... or she can partner with me.
I can expect her to change... or I can assert myself more into the life of the boys.

The problem with that is unless she does her part. Unless she follows up... all my efforts are for nothing.

Frustrating.

Revelation #217

No matter how much you love something, if you try to force it to fit into a place where it doesn't belong you will ultimately destroy it because it will not be what you originally fell in love with.

That is the lesson that I learned this weekend.

I have been dating a person that is wholly remarkable for the last 3 months, but our lives are just... different.

She enjoys going out with her friends and getting a little buzz. I, on the other hand am not a drinker.

I NEED to express my faith in Christianity in order to be at peace and well balanced. She's still angry at God and it's difficult for me to have conversations of faith with her and most definitely cannot pray with her or have a Bible study with her.

There are other areas as well where we don't line up, but we genuinely like each other.

So, when I exhibit he disciplines in my life that make me who I am, she feels as though I judge her and expect her to live by the same rules. Even though that is not true, it's causing her to feel guilty and about some areas in her life and she struggles with changes - not based upon religious conviction, but based upon relationship with me.

This weekend, I had the opportunity to hang out with people of faith. I took the weekend to spend time with people that share my same struggle with morality, with living out Christian values... it was good.

I was just feeling unfulfilled. Unhappy. Empty. And I know that she was sad as well over many things as well. I hope that she takes the opportunity to find someone that appreciates and loves her for who she is because she truly is a totally remarkable person.

What's on my mind today?

I was at Walmart this morning picking up breakfast foods. I realized that people that work retail completely tune out - especially during the Christmas season. I like to go early because the store is empty. I tried to be cordial to the greeter and the cashier. At one point, I just started saying random things because any reply they made was definitely not based on the words that were not coming out of my mouth...

Not everyone has good coping skills. I use to wonder why so many people in my life have problems/issues. Last night, I realized that almost EVERYONE has problems. For some strange reason, people feel comfortable enough with me to actually share their problems in a way that they don't with other people.

I did a survey of a lot of people over the Thanksgiving holiday. I met some new people, talked with some people that I've known for a while. People say the same thing: 1) I feel like you have certain expectations of people in your life and that you like things just so. 2) It doesn't/didn't seem like you know how to have fun. 3) You seem indifferent about life. 4) You seem like you've done so much - why would you want me as a friend? 5) You tend to over think things. All I have to say about that is... whoa... I wonder why that is?

Well... that's enough for the day. Gotta shower.

Take care peoples!

You have to ask... don't you?

Sometimes... I look at myself in the mirror and ask myself "Are you crazy?"

I mean, someone once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.

As much as I try in some areas in my life I still follow the same patterns. Until I am brave enough to blog about it, I am doomed to make the same mistake over and over again.

For those that truly know me? I'm sure they could tell me what this is... without hesitation.

I may admit it one day... until then, this will serve as a place holder reminder.

(Cryptic, I know...)

Simplicity

People tend to think that I over think things. I think that is true, but the things that I think about are things that bear no consequence.

In all honesty, I am an intuitive person when it comes to things that matter... and I always make the same mistakes... over and over again.

All because it seems like it's the simple answer.

Maybe I need to get this tattooed on my forehead.

Try this...

Did it work?

It didn't for me either. But you still tried.

While I was driving into work today I had a little revelation. Who I am in the middle of turmoil and stress is different than who I am when things are all peaches and cream. When things are going well I tend to lose focus on who I am and what the important things are in life. I tend to complicate things by over thinking, 

I make mistakes.

When things are difficult, when there's trouble - I tend to focus on the problems at hand. My true character shows up. I am the person that I would like to be. Disciplined, focused, contented.

Maybe I missed my calling in life. Maybe instead of being a software engineer I should have been a fire jumper or a member of a SWAT team... something that requires me to throw all of my focus and energy on resolving a problem.

I dunno.

Funny... I'm 39 and I'm still figuring me out.

Why am I sad?

I cried the other day. The only reason that I had to offer for this was that it was because I was sad.

The question is - why am I sad?

I think it all comes to the fact that my life has become a big oxymoron. (Most peoples lives are filled with irony - I just had to be different...)

An oxymoron is a combination of contradictory or incongruous words (as cruel kindness) ; something (as a concept) that is made up of contradictory or incongruous elements.

I chose the picture of Mr Edward Cullen because he is the latest thing in pop culture that represents an oxymoron. He is, after all, a vegetarian vampire

What am I? I have drifted into something worse - a carnal Christian. A carnal Christian is one that has drifted away from his "first love" and has attempted to substitute the sufficiency of his relationship with Christ with things that are in this present world.

By saying this, I am not insinuating that as Christians we should not bother with things that are in this world - like work, life, love, recreation... the list goes on. What I am saying is that my overwhelming sadness is because I walk contrary to those things that I hold true in my heart.

As a result of certain compromises that I make, I become emotionally unavailable to those around me because I do not want to feel the over all remorse for taking such a great gift that has been given to me so lightly.

I know... this is all written so cryptically that even theologians would scratch their head and wonder what's going on in my head.

Let me explain... no, let me sum up... Making an attempt to live contrary to who you are can have severe impact on your life and the lives of those around you. You will never be happy because in the long run, you will always try to fill a void that was created by you not being true to who you are at your core.

That is how I have been living my life - ignoring the fact that in my core - I love God and want to please him. And the life that I have chosen to live as of late has been pushing me in a direction far from where he is. This is a thirst that I can no longer deny.

I was really proud of myself... until last night.

I had been going through my blog and was checking off the little check boxes of my life - the goals that I had set for myself that I considered successfully completed.

I was amazed at how I wrote about my social anxiety and how I am able to handle those situations now - as a matter of fact, tonight I organized an outing with 20-30 friends form various walks of my life.

I wrote about not having close friends to having local friends that I socialize with on a regular basis.

My life is balanced in all areas - I have a great job that I love, people that I love and care for and vice versa.

There is still one major area in my life that I still need to work on.

Emotional Honesty

I have a blog posting somewhere that I talk about this... I think I'm going to have to find it. Read it. Learn it.

I was on the phone last night and actually broke into tears. I'm sad. Not depressed, but sad. And I am afraid to unleash my emotions because I don't want to know why I'm sad. I'm afraid of what it would feel like to feel. It's just so much easier to just shove them all in a box and not have to deal with them. To be stoic, even, balanced. Unhealthy, but consistent. And I need consistent.

Maybe I'll explore my emotions when I find that safe place to let them flow.

The "L" Word

I love this picture, it's filled with irony.

As one that understands sign language, all of the signs are shown wrong; however, the message comes across clearly.

This begs the question... is there a right way or wrong way to say "I love you"?

The answer to that question is a resounding yes. There was a book written on "love languages" that basically says hat there are 5 basic ways people demonstrate love:

• words of affirmation
  
• quality time
  
• receiving gifts
• acts of service
• physical touch

I am a "quality time" and "physical touch" type person. These come easy for me. I give them freely.

The most difficult for me to give is words of affirmation.

The problem is, people that you date want to hear that you love them or that you think they are the cat's pajamas.

It's possible to love someone and miss them and think about them constantly, but how to you convey that to someone that in a way that they understand it.

This is complicated.

Seems as far as I've come, I still have a long way to go.

I think I'm going to have to explore this one further.

What happened???

Anyone that knows me knows that I live my life with a series of self imposed controls and constraints that no normal person would voluntarily impose upon themselves.

What strikes me as odd is that these controls have shifted from being in place to help me grow and achieve new things to being somewhat of a cage that hinders me instead of propels me forward to achieve new and great things.

Don't get me wrong, I am really happy with who I am. I know what I like... I know what I dislike. I know what I'm comfortable with... but in the grand scheme of things, I am living inside my comfort zone and still applying and adding constraints.

It's like I've lost focus and have just started to live a passive unexamined life that has been running wild like a ship without a rudder. I have started living my life by what makes other people happy and forgetting that I have a stake in the whole thing.

I need to have a plan. I need to determine: 1 month, 3 month, 6 month goals.