How do I feel about what I've written so far?
Honestly, I don't.
What would it take for me to feel something?
Permission to be weak.
If I knew that there was someone that would hold me, let me get this out... let me deal with this emotionally, I know I would be better.
That's what I loved about Bambi. She would drive half way across the state just to hold my hand. I could put my head on her shoulder, be weak and know that it would be okay. That I wouldn't be judged.
Even when I was married... I didn't have the opportunity to be vulnerable. That safety wasn't there.
But... since it's me... since I have to be my own support system, I'll do what any friend would do in this uncomfortable situation.
Show false bravado. Tell myself that it will be okay. When things get too emotional, glance away uncomfortably.
It annoys me that I'm so detached from these memories...
But I'm in Denver now... 1000 miles from home... I have a job to do while I'm here. So, I'll continue to try to cleanse this wound... but what I think I need is a good cleansing cry.
But that won't happen.
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