You didn't think I would find out???

So... for anyone that's been reading my blog for a while you know that my one rule for dating is that EVERYONE gets judged by time and consistency.

I met this delightful young lady, professional, beautiful, nice to talk to... but I knew something was just a little askew.

She lives on Oklahoma, and I live ... well, in a different state - we thought we could get along well, but neither of us was interested in a long distance relationships.

She's also one of those people that just can't be out of a relationship and has only really been rejected once in her life.

She has been battling, or rather embracing, anorexia since she was in her 20's and... well... that doesn't make you a bad person.

So... in the spirit of our friendship, I sent her a text message yesterday telling her that I had a date tonight and that I was pretty excited about it. Her reply was:

"F*** off! So, what? We've decided to see other people now???"

I was like... HUH... where did that come from?

Seconds later she called me and apologized. She thought I was one of the other GUYS she was seeing.

Glad I found that out now rather than later... and I'm glad there's some distance too.

Blurred vision...

My rose colored glasses are broken and my vision is blurred.
I thought she called my name, but I misheard.
It was oh so clear, was I imagining things?
Will I ever find my queen in this land of kings...

Or something like that...

I wanted to wax poetical for a second and introduce a little whimsy because what I have to say is serious.

Serious

When it comes to matters of the hear, my vision is blurry and I'm pretty sure I'm half blind.


So, last week I was talking about this really beautiful woman that I went to visit. I talked about how great the visit was, how great a time we had... and I'm now convinced that I missed every single signal that she was sending saying - "ahem, I'm not interested... I'm just being polite here..."

But... in all honesty, that's not the part that frustrates me. The part that frustrates me is that I was more interested in her beauty and was willing to accept things about her that I would have never accepted from anyone else.

I am willing to compromise in matters of the heart?

I suppose... for a moment... but how long will that moment last?

The other thing that frustrates me...

is that I realize these things, then go back to the basics... again... which is where I am... now.

Basically alone.

And I'm okay with that...

Getting to know you.....

Okay... for those of you that are regular readers of my blog, you know I'm not one that hops from relationship to relationship.

I think, with the exception of my ex-wife, over the last the 3 years, this is the 3rd woman that has graced the pages of my blog.

So...

Here I am... trying to talk through this one...

1st, I'm pretty sure that she likes me... But I'm a little more into her than she is into me.

So, I am here, writing tring not to make a mess of this.

Here are our unique challenges:

1) She lives in Fl/I live in Alabama

2) She's works full time, is a Mom of 3, and a college student - translation? Not a lot of time

3) I can't run to FL every weekend because I have sons that I need to see...

4) She can't run up here due to her sons playing football on Saturdays

5) There are more, but isn't this enough?

So... how do I reach out to her and let her know that I'm interested without being too overbearing? I kind of want this to work...

Where have I been???

Okay... a lot has been going on in my world, and as a result of some recent turns of events, I feel the need to start blogging again.

I started off the summer taking a series of breaks...

I took a break from the internet, I took a break from TV, I took a break from friends, I took a break from dating...

Everything that was a distraction - gone.

Next, I started enjoying life again.

The lure of social networking sites, dating sites and even blogs can actually become a world in itself, and what I found was that I was starting to miss out on... life.

So...

Now, I don't have cable anymore. I usually watch a program on Hulu at night before I drift off to sleep.

I'm beginning to understand who my real friends are...

And lastly, but more importantly - after hearing people tell me that my expectations were too high and that I never would find the person that I ws looking for... I have actually found someone that both appreciated my quirkiness and who I am as a person, as I do them.

Now... the object is to not mess things up.

So... gotta blog.

Breathe...

Inhale...

hold it.

hold it.

hold it.

hold it.

Exhale.

There are some days when that's about all that I can do.

Inhale...

hold it.

hold it.

hold it.

hold it.

Exhale.

Somehow, my world is becoming myopic, while I've always wanted it to be bigger than life...

Inhale...

hold it.

hold it.

hold it.

hold it.

Exhale.

I want to scream, but I lack the energy.

Inhale...

hold it.

hold it.

hold it.

hold it.

Exhale.

I think I just want to curl up into a little ball.

Inhale...

hold it.

hold it.

hold it.

hold it.

Exhale.

Stepping outside yourself...

Every once in a while you need to step outside yourself and objectively take a look at your life.

This, turns out to be a very difficult thing to do because we are entrenched in our own lives. It makes it difficult.

Then... one day, when you finally get a chance, you look in the mirror and your don't recognize who you are. There are a few more grey hairs, a few more wrinkles, a lot more pounds around the middle of your body.

Wow.

I find that I'm less optimistic than I previously have been. I can actually for the first time in the 40 years that I have been alive - feel the weight of life on my shoulders. Not a fun feeling.

The good thing is... that I recognized it.

Now let's see if I can get back to who I am and fix this...

So... that's where I am. Taking a good look at who I am. Which means...

BLOG time.

Find your purpose

Somewhere along the way, I lost my purpose.

There was a time when my life had a distinct purpose, a mission that existed outside of work and family... a true reason for existing that brought me great joy when all else around me seemed to be in chaos.

Somewhere along the way... I've lost that... thing.

So, now - someone that has always had a reason for living that no longer has a reason for living wanders... 

(See... I knew I needed to get back to blogging... helps me stay focused)

I know that my purpose extends beyond work... so... what is it? Lately, it's been escapism, enjoying life... the get-aways... there has to be more to it than that... so...

that... is what I'm going to be working on for the next few days.

Routine

What most people don't like is having a set routine. 

The routine, the grind, or whatever you want to call it has the potential to wear on you after a while. Things become too predictable and life can become bored.

The flip side of the coin is having no routine. Without routine, your life can spin out of control and you will be able to accomplish absolutely nothing.

So... today? I find myself in need of routine.

I need to schedule my life a little bit better now to make sure that I do the things that I should be doing... excercising, working on my personal projects, taking time out for friends... 

This week is going to be dedicated to bringing a little order back into my life.

I am willing to admit it...

I am... a little lost at the moment.

I recently had to take a few steps backwards from all the progress I made after the divorce. I had to... turn off my heart. I HAD to stop feeling in order to get through the ordeal with Shanna.

So now? I don't feel and I'm kind of lost. 

There was a time that I could function like this, but it's been a while and I think I've forgotten how. 

So... what to do... what to do... what to do...

I have got to go back to the  beginning and start re-tracing my steps.

First step? 

Who am I?

I need to remember my identity.

Who am I?

Metaphorically speeking...

Metaphorically speeking... living life is a lot like riding a motorcycle.

You kind of have to look ahead and prepare ahead of time. If you don't there may be consequences. You have to look ahead and anticipate the what's coming up and position yourself accordingly.

Unfortunately, what happens sometimes is that you enjoy the ride sometimes and find yourself a little... out of sorts. You have to react and hope that no oncoming traffic is coming your way.

That's kind of where I am right now. I was enjoying the ride, didn't anticipate, and now that I have reacted to the mistakes that I've made it's time for me to start paying attention.

I need to get back to the basics... back to rule number 1...

Everyone gets judged by time and consistency.

I have so fallen into the trap of seeing what I want to see that I have failed to remember that one key rule. Because I have let one person ruin that balance, my overall equillibrium has been thrown off with others. So... for me? It's back to the basics.

I need to go back to the lessons that I've written here... I need to get back to the basics... I need to start writing here again... it helps keep me centered.

So, blog.. you will hear from me again soon...

If only it were that easy...

If only dating were as easy as hitting a button...

I am not saying that there are not people that are interested in me... there are. There are people that I could unhappily date tomorrow.

But I don't want to unhappily date.

There are people that express interest, then want you to chase them...

I am done chasing and ready to be chased.

Where are the people of substance?

Does anyone have a friend that want to introduce me to?

Hold on tight...

Okay... I am about to rant... so for those of you who may be easily offended about what I may have to say about Mom's... don't read any further.

My Mother has issues. Serious issues.

For starters, she is a habitual liar. She will lie to you as easily as saying hello. She does it regularly and consistently. This is usually not a problem until she started involving me with her lies.

Having gone through divorce counselling there is one thing that I have learned... it's never a good idea to be an enabler. So, being the good son that I am, I decided to bring it to her attention whenever she chose to lie. I think it was shocking for her to realize exactly how much she actually did this.

After 2 days of holding her feet to the flame for 2 days she decided to accuse me of lying as well and said we all do it. My reply was that I don't lie. I have no need to, I will tell the truth and let the chips fall where they may. The truth... is the truth. It's far easier to tell it than to try to remember lies.

So, Mom started questioning me on comments that I had made, and I was telling her that they were all true and it ended in a VICIOUS attack on who I am as a person.

Mom: You said you were interested in this woman in Atlanta.

Me: Yes, Shanna

Mom: But you said you went out with this woman up the road.

Me: Yes, Relationships are 2 way streets. It takes two people to be interested.

Mom: You said your house were selling your house, but you're always up there.

Me: Mom, you see the news. No houses are selling

Mom: You said you see your sons every other weekend.

Me: Yes, I do

Mom: But you say you're going to see this weekend.

Me: They are my sons. I am going to see them as much as possible.

Mom: Next thing you're going to do is tell me you have a boyfriend.

I was like - wha? wha? Did you say what I think you said? 

I walked out the door and replied - you... have issues.

When I got home there was a message on my answering machine. There was no apology, simply a statement:

"I am your Mom, yes, I said Mom. And you will respect me as your Mom. What you said was completely uncalled for"

Mom is a mean, manipulative. lying, woman. That's not being disrespectful. It's an observation.

A truthful observation.

She fails to see when she says something that is hurtful.

She has an inability to apologize.

She is enabled by her children who are forgiving and allow her to get away with this behavior.

I refuse to allow this to happen. I will not enable her. 

Ever.

I didn't talk with her the decade of the 90's because she had an issue with the fact that I played with my sons who were 9 months and 4 years old at the time. Her reply was:

"You're their father, they need to respect you... you should play with them."

My reply then was, you had your chance at being a parent...

Anyway, I spoke with my brothers and sisters last night. They each had their own horror stories.

I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters.

1 brother didn't come home for Dad's funeral because of Mom.

1 sister only came because it was Dad... and for appearance sake.

Half of my siblings would be content if they never saw her again. They call on the phone and take her in small doses, but it's manageable and controlled.

My 2nd oldest brother attempted to say these words to "comfort" me...

"We have all gone through periods where we said we were never going home again because of Mom, but now that Dad is gone, she's the only parent that we have... and one day, we she won't be here."

Well, sorry Bro. I'm not that sentimental.

Finding Balance

This is me from the future writing. Really, it's 12/27/2010. I'm not kidding.

You're probably wondering how I'm able to travel back in time and write this... shhhh... it's a secret, but if you really read my blog carefully you'll find the clues.

Anyway, future me is telling you (past me) that one day... you're going to find a woman that is equally as balanced as you are. When you do, it's going to be a beautiful thing.

Hold out.

Don't compromise.

Stick to your guns. It will be all right.

And the heart dangles in the balance...

Okay... so, there was this woman named Shanna. I was hooked on her after our second conversation. When I met her there was instant chemistry. It wasn't until the 3rd date until we kissed for the first time.

The anticipation was intense, the kiss was magical. It wasn't one of those lustful super passionate kisses. 

It was the right mixture of tentative, mixed with a dash genuine intimacy and a sprinkle of fireworks. If you were to ask her, she would agree.

And of course, I think I vented here when I said she took a left hand off the bridge firmly holding my heart when she decided that she needed to pursue her ex-boyfriend.

During that torturous time, I tried to say good-bye but she firmly had my heart in her hands.

Fast forward to now.

She is done with William. All done. Fini. It is finished.

The question is, do I go back and attempt to pursue her again... 

or 

do I risk it trying to get to know someone new.

There is a delightful lady that I have been spending some time with... but she's not Shanna.

She's more attractive, a little bit more relationally stable... but she doesn't get me the way that Shanna does. I don't get her the way that I get her the way that I understood Shanna. I'm not sure we can get there, but...

Is it worth it?

Do you go with the evil that you know?

My heart so completely rests in the balance, and I am lost on this one... seriously.

Well... for once, I did not put on my running shoes.

I did what many people have previously thought was impossible for me.

I met a woman, fell in love with her, eas emotionally open and honest, demonstrated that I loved and cared for her... 

and SHE ran.

She pretty much decided that she wanted to try to work things out with her ex-boyfriend of 10 years. The one who doesn't take her out on dates... the one that does nothing with her... except make her miserable.

So... I said good-bye to her today... 

after 3 months of chasing her...

after 3 months of hoping, wishing...

I'm not sad.

I mourned over her weeks ago, just needed to hear the words from her mouth.

It was rare. We really connected. And she is chasing a pipe dream.

C'est la vie.

Hear no evil...

I am tired.

In the last few weeks I have had to talk with people that I know about:

• Their husband cheating on them
• Losing their best friends
• Medical conditions
• Losing their jobs
• People who have miscarried
• The list goes on...

They want to talk for HOURS and HOURS, just saying the same thing over and over again.

It skews your view of the world to be the place where people need to vent/dump... and I try not to hold on their trash, but it effects me.

Can someone call me just to hang out? Can someone call me for some good news for a change?

What is love???

This has been a very interesting couple of months.

Although I admit that I have learned a lot about relationships, I have a lot that I have had to learn about love.

The last few months have learned more about love than I care to.

Let me see if I can explain my dating life over the last 2  years I have been interested in women that were hundreds of miles away... Indiana, Colorado, North Carolina, Tennessee... no one closer than 4 1/2 hours away from where I live.

Part of that was because I really wasn't ready to haveanyone close to where I live. It was the best way to have an exit strategy because I didn't want to have a relationship with my heart even though my head was telling me different.

In February, I met someone that I will only call... Ms. Pumpkin.

When I met Ms. Pumpkin there was this instant chemistry.

She was exactly what I was looking for. And vice-versa. We really dug each each other. And not in the way that most post-modern relationships work where it's a race to get to the bedroom. We were maybe 3 dates in before we shared our first kiss... fireworks!

The primary problem was that as soon as she trusted me enough to allow me to meet her daughter (5) and her family, her ex-boyfriend came into play.

She has seen this guy on and off for 10 years. He has never committed, but just wants to be jealous and over protective when a guy another guy comes into play.

Ms. Pumpkin feels a bit of loyalty for this guy, although I'm not 100% sure why. But she has this need to get him out of her system, so for the last month I have had to deel with her trying to work things out with a man that won't even so much as take her out on a date.

Today... is Friday. It's the date that she gives him "The Ultimatum" - to commit or leave her the heck alone.

As hard as this is for me, and as much as I care, when Monday comes around I may have to leave her... for good. I cannot be her plan B make her feel good.

Below... is the last e-mail that she sent me.

------------------------------

I know that I frustrate you I frustrate me for the love of God . I know that you respect me and that you really would be fantastic for me and (my daughter) . I know this or I would have never considered getting to know you in the first place . I don't do that alot . I miss you when we don't talk . I do get upset with you when you think i am just out for me and that i dont get what you are saying or doing or that you are real I know that you are real! I struggle with the fact that i might watch you slip away bc i am focused on what I think is suppose to happen . i might miss my mark but if i do I cant blame anyone but me . You have been fabulous and wonderful ! I love every minute of getting to know you . I know that we still have a path ahead of us ! Dont give up on us just yet .. I dont mean DONT date I mean go about your way but dont totally close your eyes on me ... i am still here i am just slower alot slower than normal ... I will talk to you soon ! Sweetness!

Vision...

When Dad was ill last year it was my brothers' vision for me to take care of Mom and Dad. It was good for that season. I learned a lot. Then I took a job in the same city that Mom lives in. The job was a financial hardship paying a LOT less than what I was making before and taking me out of the city where my sons and my church are basically isolating me.

My vision is to be more of a part of my sons life, to be in the city where my church is... to have MY life back. But the truth is, if I had this earlier I would have made a mess of it because I was not ready.

But now? 

I am closer...

Where am I now?

The vision that I am living out now is not mine. 

That is why there is no inspiration and there is no life! 

There is no passion because the burden that I am carrying is not one that is near to my heart and it is pulling me away from where I need to be... by my church family, by my children.

God please show me how to make this situation right, because you and only you can do this.

Catching u up...

Okay... I did not hang out with the girl from the jazz club that I was talking about in the previous post. 

I did take down all of my profiles from all dating sites except for 1. 

All of my profiles are down now. 

I did however meet one young lady that honestly is everything that I would ever hope to date and possibly one day marry.

Our second conversation she talked about tithing. We've talked about our relationship with God. We've talked about our struggles. She has fasted. Her desire to get things right with Christ has been inspiring to me.

I believe that there is one God. I believe that there is spiritual warefare and wickedness in high places.

This morning, God has shown me how my finances are being attacked and how I have just laid down and let it be. It should not be so. IT SHOULD NOT BE SO.

He also showed me how easy it is to miss God. in simple things.

I have to start blogging again.