If only it were that easy...

If only dating were as easy as hitting a button...

I am not saying that there are not people that are interested in me... there are. There are people that I could unhappily date tomorrow.

But I don't want to unhappily date.

There are people that express interest, then want you to chase them...

I am done chasing and ready to be chased.

Where are the people of substance?

Does anyone have a friend that want to introduce me to?

Hold on tight...

Okay... I am about to rant... so for those of you who may be easily offended about what I may have to say about Mom's... don't read any further.

My Mother has issues. Serious issues.

For starters, she is a habitual liar. She will lie to you as easily as saying hello. She does it regularly and consistently. This is usually not a problem until she started involving me with her lies.

Having gone through divorce counselling there is one thing that I have learned... it's never a good idea to be an enabler. So, being the good son that I am, I decided to bring it to her attention whenever she chose to lie. I think it was shocking for her to realize exactly how much she actually did this.

After 2 days of holding her feet to the flame for 2 days she decided to accuse me of lying as well and said we all do it. My reply was that I don't lie. I have no need to, I will tell the truth and let the chips fall where they may. The truth... is the truth. It's far easier to tell it than to try to remember lies.

So, Mom started questioning me on comments that I had made, and I was telling her that they were all true and it ended in a VICIOUS attack on who I am as a person.

Mom: You said you were interested in this woman in Atlanta.

Me: Yes, Shanna

Mom: But you said you went out with this woman up the road.

Me: Yes, Relationships are 2 way streets. It takes two people to be interested.

Mom: You said your house were selling your house, but you're always up there.

Me: Mom, you see the news. No houses are selling

Mom: You said you see your sons every other weekend.

Me: Yes, I do

Mom: But you say you're going to see this weekend.

Me: They are my sons. I am going to see them as much as possible.

Mom: Next thing you're going to do is tell me you have a boyfriend.

I was like - wha? wha? Did you say what I think you said? 

I walked out the door and replied - you... have issues.

When I got home there was a message on my answering machine. There was no apology, simply a statement:

"I am your Mom, yes, I said Mom. And you will respect me as your Mom. What you said was completely uncalled for"

Mom is a mean, manipulative. lying, woman. That's not being disrespectful. It's an observation.

A truthful observation.

She fails to see when she says something that is hurtful.

She has an inability to apologize.

She is enabled by her children who are forgiving and allow her to get away with this behavior.

I refuse to allow this to happen. I will not enable her. 

Ever.

I didn't talk with her the decade of the 90's because she had an issue with the fact that I played with my sons who were 9 months and 4 years old at the time. Her reply was:

"You're their father, they need to respect you... you should play with them."

My reply then was, you had your chance at being a parent...

Anyway, I spoke with my brothers and sisters last night. They each had their own horror stories.

I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters.

1 brother didn't come home for Dad's funeral because of Mom.

1 sister only came because it was Dad... and for appearance sake.

Half of my siblings would be content if they never saw her again. They call on the phone and take her in small doses, but it's manageable and controlled.

My 2nd oldest brother attempted to say these words to "comfort" me...

"We have all gone through periods where we said we were never going home again because of Mom, but now that Dad is gone, she's the only parent that we have... and one day, we she won't be here."

Well, sorry Bro. I'm not that sentimental.

Finding Balance

This is me from the future writing. Really, it's 12/27/2010. I'm not kidding.

You're probably wondering how I'm able to travel back in time and write this... shhhh... it's a secret, but if you really read my blog carefully you'll find the clues.

Anyway, future me is telling you (past me) that one day... you're going to find a woman that is equally as balanced as you are. When you do, it's going to be a beautiful thing.

Hold out.

Don't compromise.

Stick to your guns. It will be all right.

And the heart dangles in the balance...

Okay... so, there was this woman named Shanna. I was hooked on her after our second conversation. When I met her there was instant chemistry. It wasn't until the 3rd date until we kissed for the first time.

The anticipation was intense, the kiss was magical. It wasn't one of those lustful super passionate kisses. 

It was the right mixture of tentative, mixed with a dash genuine intimacy and a sprinkle of fireworks. If you were to ask her, she would agree.

And of course, I think I vented here when I said she took a left hand off the bridge firmly holding my heart when she decided that she needed to pursue her ex-boyfriend.

During that torturous time, I tried to say good-bye but she firmly had my heart in her hands.

Fast forward to now.

She is done with William. All done. Fini. It is finished.

The question is, do I go back and attempt to pursue her again... 

or 

do I risk it trying to get to know someone new.

There is a delightful lady that I have been spending some time with... but she's not Shanna.

She's more attractive, a little bit more relationally stable... but she doesn't get me the way that Shanna does. I don't get her the way that I get her the way that I understood Shanna. I'm not sure we can get there, but...

Is it worth it?

Do you go with the evil that you know?

My heart so completely rests in the balance, and I am lost on this one... seriously.

Well... for once, I did not put on my running shoes.

I did what many people have previously thought was impossible for me.

I met a woman, fell in love with her, eas emotionally open and honest, demonstrated that I loved and cared for her... 

and SHE ran.

She pretty much decided that she wanted to try to work things out with her ex-boyfriend of 10 years. The one who doesn't take her out on dates... the one that does nothing with her... except make her miserable.

So... I said good-bye to her today... 

after 3 months of chasing her...

after 3 months of hoping, wishing...

I'm not sad.

I mourned over her weeks ago, just needed to hear the words from her mouth.

It was rare. We really connected. And she is chasing a pipe dream.

C'est la vie.

Hear no evil...

I am tired.

In the last few weeks I have had to talk with people that I know about:

• Their husband cheating on them
• Losing their best friends
• Medical conditions
• Losing their jobs
• People who have miscarried
• The list goes on...

They want to talk for HOURS and HOURS, just saying the same thing over and over again.

It skews your view of the world to be the place where people need to vent/dump... and I try not to hold on their trash, but it effects me.

Can someone call me just to hang out? Can someone call me for some good news for a change?

What is love???

This has been a very interesting couple of months.

Although I admit that I have learned a lot about relationships, I have a lot that I have had to learn about love.

The last few months have learned more about love than I care to.

Let me see if I can explain my dating life over the last 2  years I have been interested in women that were hundreds of miles away... Indiana, Colorado, North Carolina, Tennessee... no one closer than 4 1/2 hours away from where I live.

Part of that was because I really wasn't ready to haveanyone close to where I live. It was the best way to have an exit strategy because I didn't want to have a relationship with my heart even though my head was telling me different.

In February, I met someone that I will only call... Ms. Pumpkin.

When I met Ms. Pumpkin there was this instant chemistry.

She was exactly what I was looking for. And vice-versa. We really dug each each other. And not in the way that most post-modern relationships work where it's a race to get to the bedroom. We were maybe 3 dates in before we shared our first kiss... fireworks!

The primary problem was that as soon as she trusted me enough to allow me to meet her daughter (5) and her family, her ex-boyfriend came into play.

She has seen this guy on and off for 10 years. He has never committed, but just wants to be jealous and over protective when a guy another guy comes into play.

Ms. Pumpkin feels a bit of loyalty for this guy, although I'm not 100% sure why. But she has this need to get him out of her system, so for the last month I have had to deel with her trying to work things out with a man that won't even so much as take her out on a date.

Today... is Friday. It's the date that she gives him "The Ultimatum" - to commit or leave her the heck alone.

As hard as this is for me, and as much as I care, when Monday comes around I may have to leave her... for good. I cannot be her plan B make her feel good.

Below... is the last e-mail that she sent me.

------------------------------

I know that I frustrate you I frustrate me for the love of God . I know that you respect me and that you really would be fantastic for me and (my daughter) . I know this or I would have never considered getting to know you in the first place . I don't do that alot . I miss you when we don't talk . I do get upset with you when you think i am just out for me and that i dont get what you are saying or doing or that you are real I know that you are real! I struggle with the fact that i might watch you slip away bc i am focused on what I think is suppose to happen . i might miss my mark but if i do I cant blame anyone but me . You have been fabulous and wonderful ! I love every minute of getting to know you . I know that we still have a path ahead of us ! Dont give up on us just yet .. I dont mean DONT date I mean go about your way but dont totally close your eyes on me ... i am still here i am just slower alot slower than normal ... I will talk to you soon ! Sweetness!

Vision...

When Dad was ill last year it was my brothers' vision for me to take care of Mom and Dad. It was good for that season. I learned a lot. Then I took a job in the same city that Mom lives in. The job was a financial hardship paying a LOT less than what I was making before and taking me out of the city where my sons and my church are basically isolating me.

My vision is to be more of a part of my sons life, to be in the city where my church is... to have MY life back. But the truth is, if I had this earlier I would have made a mess of it because I was not ready.

But now? 

I am closer...

Where am I now?

The vision that I am living out now is not mine. 

That is why there is no inspiration and there is no life! 

There is no passion because the burden that I am carrying is not one that is near to my heart and it is pulling me away from where I need to be... by my church family, by my children.

God please show me how to make this situation right, because you and only you can do this.

Catching u up...

Okay... I did not hang out with the girl from the jazz club that I was talking about in the previous post. 

I did take down all of my profiles from all dating sites except for 1. 

All of my profiles are down now. 

I did however meet one young lady that honestly is everything that I would ever hope to date and possibly one day marry.

Our second conversation she talked about tithing. We've talked about our relationship with God. We've talked about our struggles. She has fasted. Her desire to get things right with Christ has been inspiring to me.

I believe that there is one God. I believe that there is spiritual warefare and wickedness in high places.

This morning, God has shown me how my finances are being attacked and how I have just laid down and let it be. It should not be so. IT SHOULD NOT BE SO.

He also showed me how easy it is to miss God. in simple things.

I have to start blogging again.

Recap of the story thus far...

May will be 2 years since the divorce was final.

2 years!

I have grown a lot and honestly took the time to learn who I am. I can honestly say that for the first time in a long time I am the guy that I remember... mostly.

I am happy with who I am.

Dazed AND Confused...

Okay. I had an epiphany of sorts today. 

Church was awesome. We had a guest minister talk about what it means to be who we are in terms of our relationship with Christ and the implications that the choice to be Christian in more than a lip service manner has on our life.

He basically said "you can't say one thing and live another way, it's a lie... either you believe and it has meaning in your life or you're really not what you say you are."

Ouch harsh words.

Then... we had Deacon/Elder training. It was basically reiterated - the serious nature of what it means to be a leader in the church.

So... it was solidified in my life at that moment: forget the whole notion of dating for a moment and concentrate on living in the grace of God.

I said good bye to a lot of people, took my profile down from the dating site...

Well, tonight, I went to a jazz club. It was suppose to be an open mic night where people could play, but there was a jazz band there that was pretty good. This really attractive blond woman comes over to me and starts a conversation. I behave... Good.

Then... a 20 something Midwestern girl comes over. Jet black hair, red lipstick, slightly drunk, rolling her own unfiltered cigarette type comes over and is in full flirt mode. She's from Wisconsin and working down here now, and completely not into the whole southern outlook on life. Clearly the hottest woman in the room comes over to me... puts her number in my phone and says we should hang out.

It's just odd.

You go through the whole internet dating thing where you feel like you're being judged... so you just give up... then something like this happens.

Now, I know she's not my type. But she may be fun to hang out with. We'll see.

Sometimes, I just don't get life.

Ouch...

My heart hurts.

For the past few weeks I have been talking with a delightful young lady that we'll call Tab. Tab and I actually really clicked. I mean... there are people that were interesting to me in the past that I've dated for a number of reasons, but it's rare that I meet someone that I genuinely click with.

This happened with Tab. It wasn't an I think you're a hottie/cutie I want to kiss you kind of way, but in a genuine heart to heart kind of way. It's rare to make that kind of connection. Especially for me.

Well, the currently, her Mom said that she would "disown" her if she dated me solely based upon race.

She wants to continue to see me... but it's awkward.

I am sad.

Curioser and Curiouser...

Anyone that knows me knows that I don't drink.

However, it completely amazes me the number of times that I get drunk dialed and drunk texted. It's amazing.

If anyone could explain to me why this happens I would appreciate it.

Now, although I sometimes get the drunk dial that says "Why can't we be together? You do love me, don't you?"

What I get more often is... 

• I'm drunk and I'm driving home, just stay on the phone with me. (Yes, I get that from a LOT of people)

Maybe, just maybe... I'm just on a lot of peoples mind and they just need to loosen their inhibitions in order to really appreciate me?

All I know is that my life is odd. And it's getting more odd every day.

Learning lessons...

When people say "I love you" it's not always healthy.

Sometimes, it's an act of desperation, sometimes it's an act of self preservation... rarely is it truly pure.

The object is to... find pure love.

Harder than you think. It's difficult to peer into someones heart and see if their intentions and motives are pure.

It's nice to be recognized...

I am a very principalled individual. I live my life by a set of ideals that a lot of people don't really grasp. And basically, I hold out hope that the type of person that I'm looking for will eventually grasp that and come out of the woodworks and hunt me down.

I meet a lot of people. I meet a lot of great people. However, there's these things that I'm looking for that I can't compromise on.

So... I really decided to put it all out there and make it plane - explain what I'm really looking for in painstakingly exscruciating detail... and I received this in response:

I wanted to tell you that your profile is one of the very few I have found compelling in a really long time. You seem like someone I would like to have in my life... as a friend or more. But obviously you are so far away that isn\'t possible. But I just wanted to tell you I read your profile and I approve... I can tell you have a good momma  Good luck

Makes me feel good...

You can be my wingman any time...

Okay... I was really feeling low last night. I admit it. Part of my issue has always been that I don't feel like I fit in.

I took last night to throw all of my normal thought out the window and just be.

Things started with Nate's going away party. 4 guys... 4 girls... the people that I call the "cool kids" from church. They are more like family than friends. It's a crew that I've always tried to become a part of for the greater part of 2 years. I think I'm finally able to say tat I've accomplished the goal. I was greeted with hugs, people were engaging me in conversation as I them... it was good. A high even.

On my way home, I went to a local bar where friends of mine were playing. I always get in without a cover. Mike's wife was there with a friend of theirs that I met before and her boyfriend in from Atlanta. I asked him to be my wingman for the evening... I HAD A GREAT TIME.

I'm not a drinker, so I didn't bother... but I did have the opportunity to just hang with people. I got to pick up really hot girls... hang with super guys... it was like I owned the place. At the end of the night, people were coming up to me!

Granted... this was one of those  special occasions where I was completely out of my own head. No thinking allowed. Just the impulse of forgetting all the worries of the world.

It was good.

I need a wingman.

Backwards...

Okay...

So, I'm sitting here in my living room wrapped in a cheap burgundy blanket that I stole from some airplane that I was recently on.

As  I was sitting here, I was thinking about the things that I could do to get me out of the funk that I'm in.

Every idea tat I came up with was a self improvement project. The overall flavor was - if I can just do this... accomplish that things will be better.

The problem that I'm facing is that I am lonely.

That is not a problem that I can solve internally.

I am going to have to have to move outside of who I am in order to resolve this. I am going to have to risk being open.

The question is... who am I?

Mother %&(#$#@$

I have a lot of unresolved anger. I'll admit it. I keep it bottled up inside. When something ticks me off I add another little bottle to my pantry.

The problem is that my pantry is so full of little freakin' bottles that there's no room for happiness, joy, love.

That... and I compensate with being overly polite and nice because I know deep down inside I am riddled with a lot of hatred and anger.

For this reason, I don't easily give love or friendship, or anything because I know what lives on the inside. There's the constant fear of being exposed.

So,  here ya freakin' go. I'm going to take a moment to get this off my chest. The things that TICK ME OFF!

This may take a while, because I want this to be a true catharsis.

I'll start from the top... Mom.

Mom, you stifled my growth. you thought you were being protective by not allowing me to go over peoples houses or go to a lot of after school activities - but this is where you learn how to be social.

I remember being a teenager asking you if I could go outside and you said I could go outside, but I had to stay on the front porch. We lived in a SAFE neighborhood where everyone truly knew everyone.

Even now, you use your fears of strangers and others to try to hinder my social life.

I am angry at you because you have always tried to give me your life. A life where you stay at home and talk with people on the phone and experience life vicariously through their eyes.

You've succeeded Mom... you have succeeded.

You tell me that I am so much like my Dad, but as I talk with people that knew him - they all say he was social and affable.

I have inherited your lack of social skills.

For that reason? I am alone. Unable to give love.

I recall being at family functions and seeing Mom sit in a different room as we all interact with each other. Uncomfortable with her own family.

I am my Mother's child.

And I hate this. 

It's 1am...

It's 1am. I am in San Antonio, in a hotel room alone.

This is not how I pictured my life.

Or is it? When I pictured my life growing up, I never dreamed about being surrounded by a close group of friends or even family.

My dreams always involved me... and the one woman that I loved - that loved me with an equal amout of ferocity and devotion.

Ironically? Those that have dated me have said that I do not love with the type of abandon that I crave.

So... at 1am, I sit in my hotel room... alone.

I am frustrated.