Repentance

Right now? I am hungry. I have learned to recognize the difference between when I'm hungry for food and hungry for feeding my flesh.

(I know this is really metaphorical, but sometimes my blog is just for me... this is one of those times.)

There have been things that I have repented over in the past and when things don't work out the way that I hope that they would... I tend to go back and make the same mistakes that I've made before.

It's not so much because I want to... I strike out in frustration.

Not this time...

I feel blah... and sad... but continue to learn and move forward.

A present...

Let's talk about presents for a moment...

If someone gave you a present... a really great present, something that you've always wanted... would you appreciate it?

Here is a bitter pill...

It seems the number 1 thing that I talk about is relationships... and almost everyone that I know is in some sort of pain or agony.

There are a few people that are happy...

But most people have at least a handful of horrific relationship stories that make me thing that there's this underlying mantra... if you're not bleeding... you're not doing it right.

(Of course... if looking at the graphic and seeing that the guy that wrote it can't spell "you're" right is a perfect illustration, right?)

But people keep trying... and trying...

The thing is, they don't change what they're doing. They make the same mistakes over and over. If you never change the way that you approach going into a relationship then how do you ever, ever, ever, expect things to change?

Over the course of my life, I can honestly say that I haven't made the same mistake more than 6 or 7 times. Some pills just suck.

So, the question is... why am I writing this today?

I am writing this because I have a DIlemma... yes, a genuine DI-lemma.

So... the question is...

Do I swallow the same bitter pill again? Or do I try a different cure?

More to come... as the days go on...

The Ugly Truth

Okay...

I think it's time I came out of the closet.

Over the past few years I've met a lot of women and rarely dated any of them.

I used the excuse that they weren't quite what I was looking for. When people would ask me what I was looking for, I would be very vague.

Well, it's time for me to come out of the closet and really explain in detail the type of person that I'm looking for.

First and foremost? She has to be a woman.

No surprises there...

What's next?

Everyone has their superficial list - I am no different. I would prefer someone between 4'11 and 5'4 tall, blah blah blah... but there's more to it than the superficial.

First, I am looking for a woman that has a deep faith in God.

I am a man of faith. I'm not perfect. I've made mistakes, but I generally across my life have always tried to be a man of God.

When I am with a true woman of God it frees me up to not compromise. I can spread my wings and do a relationship the only way that I really know how. It is a powerful thing to join hands with the person that you are with and pray. It's powerful. Very powerful.

To extend that... when I can open up my Bible and have a conversation about what I believe and talk with someone that brings the same fervor to the table is incredible.

There are many different bonds that exist between people. There's attraction, animal attraction, lust, love... sexual... the list goes on. When it's based on something deeper, then it feels different.

At least to me.

Other than that? She has to be attractive to me, and attractive to me takes on many different forms.

Now... the secret is out...

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Praise begins...

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Going to a new church is always interesting. I am always interested as to whether or not people will actually come up and speak... more on that later...

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So... I am trying out a new church today. I am sitting in their coffe bar - The Aroma Missions Cafe waiting for 9am...

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I think I will mobblog today. Expect updates from my phone all day!

An epiphany... of sorts...

So… the light bulb goes off today. Not in the sense that things were made darker, but in the sense that I had a moment of enlightenment.

I’m not sure that this is going to make a lot of sense to anyone but me… but here goes.

I am pretty sure that I’ve been inflicting my loneliness on other people. I’ve never really thought about that much until this morning. Sometimes there’s a part of me that really wants to be a part of community, even if it’s a community of 2 that I will allow my loneliness to become a little “over indulgent” and come across as interest to some unsuspecting soul that is really no better off than I am.

Now, I’m not saying this is always my modus operandi. It doesn’t hold true for people that I genuinely like… but people who are on the periphery? People that suck life from me? Maybe it’s my own pathos in a passive aggressive way to suck the life out of them the way they suck the life out of me.

I’m not sure.

Maybe it’s because I wasn’t hugged enough as a child and looking longingly into someone’s eyes and offering a deep embrace yields the illusion of love as I try to throw shovels of dirt into a chasm the size of the Grand Canyon so I can fill this hole that’s been growing in my heart.

What I do know is that I’m nearing 41 years old and pretending that this isn’t a fact of my life and just trying to wander around trying to find a path around it just isn’t working any more.

I’m not sure when I deviated from my path…

I suck

11:45pm

And my alarm clock is not set for 5am... but for 4:30am.

I am not asleep. I have a slight twinge in my lower back from laying improperly so I can type on my computer. I'm watching the move "Love Happens" again in hopes of finding some meaning.

Honestly, I know that meaning isn't going to come from a movie... it may be found in a book.

So... maybe... just maybe I'm creating a diversion.

It's not only possible, but it's probable.

So, here's what's on my mind for the evening.

I keep people at arms length. It's self preservation. If you keep people from getting close, then there is no chance that they will hurt you.

Sometimes, I'm still that wounded kid that grew up in central NY.

I've been in protection mode for so long, I'm not sure I know how to tear down the walls.

There... 3 truths... 3 truths that sum up who I am...

"Devote 5 minutes a day to smiling... just smiling, and after a while, it will come naturally" - that leading character in the movie that I'm watching just said that.

There's a lot of truth in that. It falls into the make it until you fake it category.

I think it's time I close my eyes and pretend to sleep. I'll write on those 3 things later on in the week.

Peace yo.

Automagic

Lately, I have been on automatic. A lot like those automatic watches. You know, the ones that you wear on your wrist that wind automatically when you wear them on your wrist and walk?

It's kind of like if I keep moving, everything will be okay.

The truth is, time marches on. That's the only thing that happens.

It doesn't solve problems. It doesn't change your life. Time... just moves on.

MAN! When did I become that person?

I don't agonize over my life, I just listen to the lives of others and nod my head at their dismay. But, no matter how dismal their lives are... they are in them... they are feeling them.

A long time ago, I promised myself that I was not going to ever lie to myself.

Now it's time to put test this.

So... self... what the heck is wrong with you. I want to know the answer!

Natural progressions

Life has a progression.

• You're born
• You suffer
• You die

Okay... that's a little melancholy. And, that was intended to be humorous. There really is more to life than that.

Now, then it comes to relationships, there really is a progression, or at least in my world - and they're best described in musical terms.

• Attack: The initial chemistry
• Decay: The end of the infatuation period
• Sustain: Faking it, because you think you have something... maybe
• Release: The realization that it was all an illusion

All of this really has me... numb.

Life saver to the rescue...

You know, I have some friends that think I'm co-dependent, while others think I have a god complex trying to save the world.

I don't think that I'm co-dependent because I don't need to be needed. As a matter of fact, I tend to tune out to people that NEED to talk to me. I tend to shy away from people that only want to talk about what's going on in their world.

I like balance.

I understand that life is hard, and we all go through stuff... but you can't dump all your stuff on my without giving me the chance to dump some of my stuff on you. That's what friends do... the vent... then get on with life, right?

Okay... I've digressed, a little... where was I? Balance... right.

Some people think I have a god complex because I have such strong opinions about the way the world should be. I have to admit, that I do have a rather unique view of the way the world is, and I do really believe that people should at least be open to my perspective. Not because I have any original ideas, but because at the root of it all, I will simply point you to God. (Not in the Bible bashing way... or in the Jesus is your best friend kind of way... I won't go into this now... but I may at some other point in time.)

I like throwing a life saver out to anyone that may catch it. Life is hard, and we all need a little help sometimes (humming to myself... "I'll get by with a little help from my friends...")

A new friend of mine, probably one of the most balanced and caring people that I know called me with some distressing news.

I wanted to throw her a life saver, but instead... told her a joke, I think.

This is one of those times that I wish I did have a magic pill to make things better, or even the right words to say.

I don't.

Finding my tribe...

Sometimes, I feel a little lost. I feel like I'm out there alone without my tribe on some Australian walkabout.

As I understand it, a walkabout is a right of passage where you have to go out there and learn to live on your own in the wild.

I've been there for a while.

Now, it's time to find my tribe, but it seams like my people have up and moved away. Things around me look familiar, but slightly different because I can't find my FREAKIN' tribe.

What's up with that, yo?

Under ordinary circumstances, things seem a little out of kilter, but now, things seem really off balance.

Balance, balance, wherefore art thou balance?

Navigating life...

I have to admit it. Navigating life is difficult.

There really is no manual. Christians believe that the answers can be found in the Bible. Islamic believe that it's in the Koran. Others believe that the answers can be found in meditation. Still others believe that the answers are found in a bottle or in pills.

Either way, it can be difficult.

There are too many variables.

Other people, family, the economy, health... so many things that we don't have control over.

A lot of people wonder how I can manage to maintain in a world that's chaotic.

My answer is to simplify. To me, the world exists in 2 different categories:

• Things we can't do anything about
• Things we can do something about

I tend to concentrate on the things that I can do things about. And even those get prioritized.

The other secret that I have is to get it out...

That's why I blog. Often, once I get it out on paper, I feel better... much better.

Coupling

Spring has sprung... and as a result, people are really hell bent on coupling.

During the winter, people hibernate... but when the weather is nice? People want someone in their life.

Thought... to be continued...

2 words... sounds like...

I hope I don't sound like a broken record.

I have some friends that I talk to that have reduced our "friendship" to a session where they do nothing more than talk about the following topics:

• My dating life sucks
• My life is a mess

I don't mind having the conversation about these, but I need more than the constant negativity.

There needs to be balance in all these things. I know I have some of the same matters in my own life, but I hope that my friendship with others extends beyond a shallow repetitive conversation.

It's not that I don't care, but I could use some good news too.

Ya know?

Share with me the good parts of your life, don't just call me to pick up the pieces.

Sometimes...

Sometimes, I feel like I'm on a road that's leading nowhere... except for maybe around in circles,

because I'm pretty sure that I've seen this place before.

I have always prided myself on not being the type of person that repeats the same mistakes over and over again, yet, oddly enough, I keep finding myself in the same situation over and over again.

What's up with that? Yo?

Honestly, I can look at it in one of 2 different ways... either I haven't learned the lesson that I'm supposed to learn, or... well, I guess there really is no other side of this coin.

Honestly, at the moment things are relatively frustrating for me.

Let's recap, I still work out of town. The number of friends I have because I'm never around has diminished to almost 0. (Okay... no almost about it...) The majority of the people I know are virtual... BLAAAAAAAAAAH....

On the positive side, I have managed to get my diet under control. I am 20 pounds lighter than I was when the new year started.

Be thankful for the small things in life...

I suppose

Fixing a disconnect...

Okay... so honestly, I don't know what I was thinking about when I was writing this post. It's 12/27 - I have 497 posts... I'm trying to get to 500...

That's when I noticed that several were in "draft form" - so, what I'm trying to do now is wrap up and finish those items so I can get 500 the honest way.

So... I was trying to fix some disconnect, and I don't know what it was.

Woooooow.... but, I blogged! That's the good part!

Follow the rules...

When it comes to dating, I have rules. One very important rule is:

Don't chase... it makes you look desperate.

This is important for a few reasons.

1) If you chase, you look desperate. Looking desperate is very unattractive.

2) If you chase, you look a little unstable. If you want someone too much, then you seem insecure.

When approaching someone, you want to be confident and a high value person. Get it?

This past week I have been preaching this to a friend of mine that has been chasing this guy like a hungry lost puppy.

Well I had a chance to test the theory. I met ts travel nurse . Actually I've known her for about a year. She's getting ready to come from the east coast to the west coast and "invited herself" to stop by for a weekend, since we've been hitting it off so well on the phone.

Well, she is suppose to come to town tonight and last night - yesterday - was the the first day that I didn't get her standard good morning message to me: good morning sweet cheeks.

I sent her a good morning message... no reply.

Around noon I sent her a joking message about her going away party.

Around 7pm I called to check in on her...

I shouldn't have made that phone call.

I should not have made that phone call.

I should not have made that phone call.

Well... here's the game plan... I am not going to call her again. Even if I never hear from her again.

The object is also not to appear desperate.

As much as I hate games, I know that I cannot answer her phone call when... if... she calls the first time. I have got to let it go to voice mail.

If she texts, I can't reply for about an hour.

It SUCKS...

But this year, I am following new rules:

• value yourself

Yeah, keep it simple...

Wish me luck.

Settling

I've spent some time thinking about it... thus the reason that I'm blogging again.

I have really high standards. Honestly I do.

The problem is, it gets lonely waiting for the person that I'm looking for, so I get sidetracked by people that are mildly interesting to me and I make compromises that I wouldn't ordinarily take.

The result is that I end up with women who end up being insecure because they can't see what I see in them, and they become slightly more than insecure.

So... I write this as a reminder... if I'm looking for someone that's well balanced, gainfully employed, and with a strong vision of how to live life, I need to wait until I find her, and not just migrate to the first reasonably cute person that seems half way together.

So... a word to myself...

Be patient.

Love,

Me

Where is love...

Sometimes, I get the feeling that there is someone out there for everyone... except for me.

I see beautiful women with these incredibly hideous looking guys that have no personality, no money, no intelligence, and I'm like REALLY?

REALLY?

You're kidding, right?

Sometimes it's like it's a cruel joke that the universe is playing with me.

I always end up as the friend, or the confidante and I'm not quite sure why. What I do know is that I collect attractive friends like my mailbox collects junk mail... I show up and they're just there...

So, now I'm curious.

If women say they want to date their best friend... and I end up being their best friend... Ohhhh, I don't know, the whole thing makes my head hurt.

I'm going back to bed.

I swear!!!

Sometimes I feel like someone has held me down and scribbled loser on my forehead.

I am a reasonably attractive guy. I take care of myself... I'm getting back into shape. I'm going to have 6 pack abs again.

I'm successful in my job, I have relatively no baggage, and I am a gem of a guy based upon the number of women that are quick to claim me as their friend and confidante.

Lately? I have been attracting a new type of woman.

Women who are currently or have in the past been "knocked up" by a crack head. Yes... a real, honest to goodness crack addict.

Or, have 3 kids by 3 different "baby daddy's."

They CLING to me, regardless of how I run...

It's only partially frustrating.

Where are the normal women?

And why won't they date me?

Hello... my name is...

When ever I go through the whole break up thing I always take a moment to blog and to figure things out.

Here's what I've figured out...

When it comes to dating, I'm relatively insecure.

Sad, but true.

I tend to date people who are interested in me and not people that I'm truly interested in. And that's just because they are willing to spend time with me.

Many of times, these people have issues and problems that I'm willing to overlook at first. Maybe it's loneliness, more than likely, it's my own insecurity - that I can't really do better.

Inevitably, what happens is we start dating, the "honeymoon" phase is gone, and I begin to see how messed up their lives truly are... I panic and want to run.

I am not saying that I'm perfect. I know I'm not. I have my own issues, but I tend to run from the following things:

• Women who want to move in too quickly
• Women who want me to cut off all my old friends
• Women who are too attached to their ex's emotionally
• Women who want me to change into what THEY want me to be

So... now I'm concentrating on me... and correcting this little known flaw.

I can be your friend... I can be your rock... I can't be your boyfriend AND rock.

Another one bites the dust...

Well... another relationship ended as easily as it began. The sad thing is... it really didn't have to end.

Here's what happened...

1st... she sent me a text message that was intended for another guy.

I asked her about it, she basically asked me if I could forget about it.

I almost did... however, we had other issues.

She never saw that she did anything wrong... everything was always something that I did. Something that I did wrong... So... I would change, slightly to come in line with her world views... and she would find another flaw.

I recognized that she never saw anything wrong in her eyes and decided that I should run.

What did I do wrong? I unplugged... Disengaged... partially because over the course of 3 months she gained like 30 pounds... Okay... if you love someone, you love them regardless of what they look like... but really?

Really?

I'm currently on a health kick. After the marriage I got up to 285 pounds. I was 185 when we got married. Right now, I'm at 222 and shrinking. Just before we broke up, I planned on what nutrition plan I was going to use (Nutrisystem) and which work out I was going to use (Insanity). I put in my mind that I was going to get back to my college weight.

So... I was 235 when we broke up... 222 now... and it's been a month... I feel good...

So... maybe I should be thanking her for giving me incentive to live a healthier life.

I'm not sure.

Either way, I'm taking a few months off dating.

What the heck happened?

There was a time when I really enjoyed what I did for a living. I would gladly bring work home and work on it after the family went to sleep... I dug what I did for a living and learning new things.

Then something happened...

I guess it was getting outsourced 3 times that kind of took the wind from my sails... that had me trying to learn/do things just to find work where my heart really wasn't at the time.

Now? I'm in a position where my contract is going to be up in a few months... and I am dreading the job hunt... but it has to be done.

FRUSTRATING.

E-freakin-motions...

Emotions are a tricky thing...

I have feelings for this woman that I'm seeing. She has feelings for me...

The feelings run very deep, but it lacks passion?

I dunno...

For the next few days I'm going to spend some time working through how I feel.

I know I have feelings for her. I know they are deep and true. What I'm more concerned with is my ability to tap into any emotion other than sadness.

I'm not saying that I'm sad when I'm with her. That's not the case at all, but the only emotion that I'm identifying with at the moment is sadness.

I feel sad that someday she's going to leave... that this, whatever we have, is going to end.

I "gotsta" explore this...

What is love?

So... earlier this week - the woman that I'm dating said "I love you..."

Shortly after she said that, she looked at me intently and asked my how I felt about that. I looked at her for a moment, put my arms around her and said - "I really believe you when you say that." I know a lot of people think the appropriate response to "I love you" is to say "I love you" back.

During the course of my "interviewing" many women have given me the "I love you." I have a few standard responses:

• Thanks
• It's okay, we're adults - it's important that we take ownership of our emotions
• Yeah (insert belly laugh here), right!
• Are you trying to convince you or me?

This is actually interesting. I was married for 15 years and I never really thought my ex-wife EVER meant it when she said it to me. I mean, she honestly hates me and she still wall call me "baby".

It's amazing how empty words can be sometimes, but it's an amazing thing when things click and you know somethings right.

Either way... I'm still planning on dating for 2 years. I'm not going to rush this one to marriage.

Thinking happy thoughts...

A lot of times when I enter into a new relationship I miss the euphoria that is generally present. There usually is a bit of anxiety in wondering what the person thinks about you... are they actually going to hang around...

There really is a lot of fear. For me at least.

I guess you can chalk that up to my own set of insecurities. The number of false starts that I've had in the past - where I've been interested in people and for some strange reason, they run...

Well... the person that I'm currently seeing... we've been together for almost 2 months. We spend a LOT of time together and it's as new and as fresh as it was in the beginning.

It's great!

We talk, we act silly... we have this really odd balance that's really pretty rare.

So... I was sitting there the other day, patiently waiting for the other shoe to drop when it suddenly hit me...

I hold the key to happiness firmly in the palm of my hand.

All I have to do is embrace it, live in the moment and have fun.

THIS is what being at peace feels like... cool.

Completely off the rails...

I think I've said this before, but I'm pretty sure I have an addictive personality.

I won't buy 1 guitar... I'll buy 50 to get to the 19 that I have now.

I won't buy 1 piece of work out equipment, I'll buy a whole gym and put it in my basement.

The list goes on... I don't do moderation very well in my life.

That's one of the reasons that I don't drink and that I won't do drugs.

If I allowed myself that, I would have to take it to the limit. That is who I am. In my extended nuclear family we are either really successful or complete bums. It's just a fact.

My goal in life has been to stay away from people that would exercise peer pressure over me. Now, I'm dating someone that has that potential. That's a dangerous thing.

I don't want to change her... She doesn't want to change me... but one of us is going to have to change.

Ya think?

To top it off...

I had this friend... a friend that I had known for the last 11 months of this year.

She was a good friend to me... and we always had this underlying tension.

She wanted to date me. I really cared for her, but understood that there was this underlying volatility that she had in her life that caused me to run.

I always cared for her though. More than she could have imagined. It hurts that I could have never dated her regardless of how I cared.

When I started dating the current chica, she was hurt. Bad. I feel sad, and oddly enough, I miss her.

Her parting words to me were - "You are not a typical male, but what you did was pretty typical."

Things change...

Okay... I am not a drinker. I don't like the taste of alcohol. I struggle when the person that I'm dating drinks.

Let's walk through this...

It takes a moment for me to actually find someone that I'm into who meshes with my twisted personality.

When they drink, they become someone other than who I adore.

That causes problems for me.

I had the opportunity to witness the person that I'm currently seeing drunk this weekend.

I am still not sure how I feel aboutthis.

She also likes to club... I am so not a clubber.

I really like her. I have the potential of really getting hurt here. Hurt because this isn't one of those infatuation type romances. We've worked at it... really, really worked at it.

I'm afraid.

Afraid that it's not going to work... even more afraid that it's going to work.

The one thing I know is that I am not going to sabotage this... or at least try not to.

That drowning feeling...

I don't get it.

People are suppose to enjoy relationships.

I always feel like I'm drowning.

I am seeing a woman that is interested in me for me. She listens, is rational... slightly more emotionally detached at times than I'm comfortable with...

She gives me space when I want it, understands balance...

Tonight, I'm going to give her an excuse to run.

She wants a child.

My youngest are 14.

If I wanted to have children my timeline would be something like this:

• Date for 2 years
• Engaged for 1 year
• Solidify the marriage for 5 years
• THEN start trying to have kids

That's 8 years before trying and I will be in my late 40's by then and she will be nearing 40. I would not be able to give this child all the energy I gave mine. Scout leading, coaching, running around playing football. Right now I can still get out there and be competitive on the b'ball courts with my 17 year old and his friends and intend to be in better shape when my twins are that age.

I wonder if that's what the drowning feeling comes from?

Me? A typical man? ... probably...

I generally don't think of myself as being a typical man, but every once in a while I pull a typical guy move.

I feel really bad about it too... because I try so hard not to be typical, but if I can fall and do a typical guy move are we all as mankind hopeless to fall into this plight called "typical"?

Here's the back story.

I met this woman on a dating site in Feb of this year. Her screen name eluded to there being "no drama" but she was obviously pregnant in her picture. I personally couldn't see how there could be no drama.

We met, and she "kept me around" because I didn't get on her nerves.

She always had this volatility that kind of rested under the surface. I had the feeling that I settled her and that she needed that kind of settling in her life.

But... with all of that said, she was like my "road dog" - I would hang out over her house, she would hang out over my house.

For 9 months 3 out of 4 weekends a month I was at her house or she was at mine.

I am sure she was attached.

I was attached.

But I communicated to her that I would never date her.

I was like the Dad to her child that her "baby daddy" never was. I was her baby whisperer.

Then... out of the blue... I started dating someone else.

Caught her by surprise.

Caught me by surprise.

She wrote me an e-mail and said - "you're not a typical male, but what you did was pretty typical."

Yes... it probably was.

She will never know how much I care for her or why I couldn't date her...

I suck.

Okay...

So... apparently, I'm dating.

I met this woman a couple weeks ago. She's 30, and she kind of thinks like me, uses some of the same phrases that I use... it's almost like my house has been bugged.

Anyway, I'm probably going to be blogging here... to make sure that I keep my mind right.

I don't want another Abby incident.

More later...

You didn't think I would find out???

So... for anyone that's been reading my blog for a while you know that my one rule for dating is that EVERYONE gets judged by time and consistency.

I met this delightful young lady, professional, beautiful, nice to talk to... but I knew something was just a little askew.

She lives on Oklahoma, and I live ... well, in a different state - we thought we could get along well, but neither of us was interested in a long distance relationships.

She's also one of those people that just can't be out of a relationship and has only really been rejected once in her life.

She has been battling, or rather embracing, anorexia since she was in her 20's and... well... that doesn't make you a bad person.

So... in the spirit of our friendship, I sent her a text message yesterday telling her that I had a date tonight and that I was pretty excited about it. Her reply was:

"F*** off! So, what? We've decided to see other people now???"

I was like... HUH... where did that come from?

Seconds later she called me and apologized. She thought I was one of the other GUYS she was seeing.

Glad I found that out now rather than later... and I'm glad there's some distance too.

Blurred vision...

My rose colored glasses are broken and my vision is blurred.
I thought she called my name, but I misheard.
It was oh so clear, was I imagining things?
Will I ever find my queen in this land of kings...

Or something like that...

I wanted to wax poetical for a second and introduce a little whimsy because what I have to say is serious.

Serious

When it comes to matters of the hear, my vision is blurry and I'm pretty sure I'm half blind.


So, last week I was talking about this really beautiful woman that I went to visit. I talked about how great the visit was, how great a time we had... and I'm now convinced that I missed every single signal that she was sending saying - "ahem, I'm not interested... I'm just being polite here..."

But... in all honesty, that's not the part that frustrates me. The part that frustrates me is that I was more interested in her beauty and was willing to accept things about her that I would have never accepted from anyone else.

I am willing to compromise in matters of the heart?

I suppose... for a moment... but how long will that moment last?

The other thing that frustrates me...

is that I realize these things, then go back to the basics... again... which is where I am... now.

Basically alone.

And I'm okay with that...

Getting to know you.....

Okay... for those of you that are regular readers of my blog, you know I'm not one that hops from relationship to relationship.

I think, with the exception of my ex-wife, over the last the 3 years, this is the 3rd woman that has graced the pages of my blog.

So...

Here I am... trying to talk through this one...

1st, I'm pretty sure that she likes me... But I'm a little more into her than she is into me.

So, I am here, writing tring not to make a mess of this.

Here are our unique challenges:

1) She lives in Fl/I live in Alabama

2) She's works full time, is a Mom of 3, and a college student - translation? Not a lot of time

3) I can't run to FL every weekend because I have sons that I need to see...

4) She can't run up here due to her sons playing football on Saturdays

5) There are more, but isn't this enough?

So... how do I reach out to her and let her know that I'm interested without being too overbearing? I kind of want this to work...

Where have I been???

Okay... a lot has been going on in my world, and as a result of some recent turns of events, I feel the need to start blogging again.

I started off the summer taking a series of breaks...

I took a break from the internet, I took a break from TV, I took a break from friends, I took a break from dating...

Everything that was a distraction - gone.

Next, I started enjoying life again.

The lure of social networking sites, dating sites and even blogs can actually become a world in itself, and what I found was that I was starting to miss out on... life.

So...

Now, I don't have cable anymore. I usually watch a program on Hulu at night before I drift off to sleep.

I'm beginning to understand who my real friends are...

And lastly, but more importantly - after hearing people tell me that my expectations were too high and that I never would find the person that I ws looking for... I have actually found someone that both appreciated my quirkiness and who I am as a person, as I do them.

Now... the object is to not mess things up.

So... gotta blog.

Breathe...

Inhale...

hold it.

hold it.

hold it.

hold it.

Exhale.

There are some days when that's about all that I can do.

Inhale...

hold it.

hold it.

hold it.

hold it.

Exhale.

Somehow, my world is becoming myopic, while I've always wanted it to be bigger than life...

Inhale...

hold it.

hold it.

hold it.

hold it.

Exhale.

I want to scream, but I lack the energy.

Inhale...

hold it.

hold it.

hold it.

hold it.

Exhale.

I think I just want to curl up into a little ball.

Inhale...

hold it.

hold it.

hold it.

hold it.

Exhale.

Stepping outside yourself...

Every once in a while you need to step outside yourself and objectively take a look at your life.

This, turns out to be a very difficult thing to do because we are entrenched in our own lives. It makes it difficult.

Then... one day, when you finally get a chance, you look in the mirror and your don't recognize who you are. There are a few more grey hairs, a few more wrinkles, a lot more pounds around the middle of your body.

Wow.

I find that I'm less optimistic than I previously have been. I can actually for the first time in the 40 years that I have been alive - feel the weight of life on my shoulders. Not a fun feeling.

The good thing is... that I recognized it.

Now let's see if I can get back to who I am and fix this...

So... that's where I am. Taking a good look at who I am. Which means...

BLOG time.

Find your purpose

Somewhere along the way, I lost my purpose.

There was a time when my life had a distinct purpose, a mission that existed outside of work and family... a true reason for existing that brought me great joy when all else around me seemed to be in chaos.

Somewhere along the way... I've lost that... thing.

So, now - someone that has always had a reason for living that no longer has a reason for living wanders... 

(See... I knew I needed to get back to blogging... helps me stay focused)

I know that my purpose extends beyond work... so... what is it? Lately, it's been escapism, enjoying life... the get-aways... there has to be more to it than that... so...

that... is what I'm going to be working on for the next few days.

Routine

What most people don't like is having a set routine. 

The routine, the grind, or whatever you want to call it has the potential to wear on you after a while. Things become too predictable and life can become bored.

The flip side of the coin is having no routine. Without routine, your life can spin out of control and you will be able to accomplish absolutely nothing.

So... today? I find myself in need of routine.

I need to schedule my life a little bit better now to make sure that I do the things that I should be doing... excercising, working on my personal projects, taking time out for friends... 

This week is going to be dedicated to bringing a little order back into my life.

I am willing to admit it...

I am... a little lost at the moment.

I recently had to take a few steps backwards from all the progress I made after the divorce. I had to... turn off my heart. I HAD to stop feeling in order to get through the ordeal with Shanna.

So now? I don't feel and I'm kind of lost. 

There was a time that I could function like this, but it's been a while and I think I've forgotten how. 

So... what to do... what to do... what to do...

I have got to go back to the  beginning and start re-tracing my steps.

First step? 

Who am I?

I need to remember my identity.

Who am I?

Metaphorically speeking...

Metaphorically speeking... living life is a lot like riding a motorcycle.

You kind of have to look ahead and prepare ahead of time. If you don't there may be consequences. You have to look ahead and anticipate the what's coming up and position yourself accordingly.

Unfortunately, what happens sometimes is that you enjoy the ride sometimes and find yourself a little... out of sorts. You have to react and hope that no oncoming traffic is coming your way.

That's kind of where I am right now. I was enjoying the ride, didn't anticipate, and now that I have reacted to the mistakes that I've made it's time for me to start paying attention.

I need to get back to the basics... back to rule number 1...

Everyone gets judged by time and consistency.

I have so fallen into the trap of seeing what I want to see that I have failed to remember that one key rule. Because I have let one person ruin that balance, my overall equillibrium has been thrown off with others. So... for me? It's back to the basics.

I need to go back to the lessons that I've written here... I need to get back to the basics... I need to start writing here again... it helps keep me centered.

So, blog.. you will hear from me again soon...

If only it were that easy...

If only dating were as easy as hitting a button...

I am not saying that there are not people that are interested in me... there are. There are people that I could unhappily date tomorrow.

But I don't want to unhappily date.

There are people that express interest, then want you to chase them...

I am done chasing and ready to be chased.

Where are the people of substance?

Does anyone have a friend that want to introduce me to?

Hold on tight...

Okay... I am about to rant... so for those of you who may be easily offended about what I may have to say about Mom's... don't read any further.

My Mother has issues. Serious issues.

For starters, she is a habitual liar. She will lie to you as easily as saying hello. She does it regularly and consistently. This is usually not a problem until she started involving me with her lies.

Having gone through divorce counselling there is one thing that I have learned... it's never a good idea to be an enabler. So, being the good son that I am, I decided to bring it to her attention whenever she chose to lie. I think it was shocking for her to realize exactly how much she actually did this.

After 2 days of holding her feet to the flame for 2 days she decided to accuse me of lying as well and said we all do it. My reply was that I don't lie. I have no need to, I will tell the truth and let the chips fall where they may. The truth... is the truth. It's far easier to tell it than to try to remember lies.

So, Mom started questioning me on comments that I had made, and I was telling her that they were all true and it ended in a VICIOUS attack on who I am as a person.

Mom: You said you were interested in this woman in Atlanta.

Me: Yes, Shanna

Mom: But you said you went out with this woman up the road.

Me: Yes, Relationships are 2 way streets. It takes two people to be interested.

Mom: You said your house were selling your house, but you're always up there.

Me: Mom, you see the news. No houses are selling

Mom: You said you see your sons every other weekend.

Me: Yes, I do

Mom: But you say you're going to see this weekend.

Me: They are my sons. I am going to see them as much as possible.

Mom: Next thing you're going to do is tell me you have a boyfriend.

I was like - wha? wha? Did you say what I think you said? 

I walked out the door and replied - you... have issues.

When I got home there was a message on my answering machine. There was no apology, simply a statement:

"I am your Mom, yes, I said Mom. And you will respect me as your Mom. What you said was completely uncalled for"

Mom is a mean, manipulative. lying, woman. That's not being disrespectful. It's an observation.

A truthful observation.

She fails to see when she says something that is hurtful.

She has an inability to apologize.

She is enabled by her children who are forgiving and allow her to get away with this behavior.

I refuse to allow this to happen. I will not enable her. 

Ever.

I didn't talk with her the decade of the 90's because she had an issue with the fact that I played with my sons who were 9 months and 4 years old at the time. Her reply was:

"You're their father, they need to respect you... you should play with them."

My reply then was, you had your chance at being a parent...

Anyway, I spoke with my brothers and sisters last night. They each had their own horror stories.

I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters.

1 brother didn't come home for Dad's funeral because of Mom.

1 sister only came because it was Dad... and for appearance sake.

Half of my siblings would be content if they never saw her again. They call on the phone and take her in small doses, but it's manageable and controlled.

My 2nd oldest brother attempted to say these words to "comfort" me...

"We have all gone through periods where we said we were never going home again because of Mom, but now that Dad is gone, she's the only parent that we have... and one day, we she won't be here."

Well, sorry Bro. I'm not that sentimental.

Finding Balance

This is me from the future writing. Really, it's 12/27/2010. I'm not kidding.

You're probably wondering how I'm able to travel back in time and write this... shhhh... it's a secret, but if you really read my blog carefully you'll find the clues.

Anyway, future me is telling you (past me) that one day... you're going to find a woman that is equally as balanced as you are. When you do, it's going to be a beautiful thing.

Hold out.

Don't compromise.

Stick to your guns. It will be all right.

And the heart dangles in the balance...

Okay... so, there was this woman named Shanna. I was hooked on her after our second conversation. When I met her there was instant chemistry. It wasn't until the 3rd date until we kissed for the first time.

The anticipation was intense, the kiss was magical. It wasn't one of those lustful super passionate kisses. 

It was the right mixture of tentative, mixed with a dash genuine intimacy and a sprinkle of fireworks. If you were to ask her, she would agree.

And of course, I think I vented here when I said she took a left hand off the bridge firmly holding my heart when she decided that she needed to pursue her ex-boyfriend.

During that torturous time, I tried to say good-bye but she firmly had my heart in her hands.

Fast forward to now.

She is done with William. All done. Fini. It is finished.

The question is, do I go back and attempt to pursue her again... 

or 

do I risk it trying to get to know someone new.

There is a delightful lady that I have been spending some time with... but she's not Shanna.

She's more attractive, a little bit more relationally stable... but she doesn't get me the way that Shanna does. I don't get her the way that I get her the way that I understood Shanna. I'm not sure we can get there, but...

Is it worth it?

Do you go with the evil that you know?

My heart so completely rests in the balance, and I am lost on this one... seriously.

Well... for once, I did not put on my running shoes.

I did what many people have previously thought was impossible for me.

I met a woman, fell in love with her, eas emotionally open and honest, demonstrated that I loved and cared for her... 

and SHE ran.

She pretty much decided that she wanted to try to work things out with her ex-boyfriend of 10 years. The one who doesn't take her out on dates... the one that does nothing with her... except make her miserable.

So... I said good-bye to her today... 

after 3 months of chasing her...

after 3 months of hoping, wishing...

I'm not sad.

I mourned over her weeks ago, just needed to hear the words from her mouth.

It was rare. We really connected. And she is chasing a pipe dream.

C'est la vie.

Hear no evil...

I am tired.

In the last few weeks I have had to talk with people that I know about:

• Their husband cheating on them
• Losing their best friends
• Medical conditions
• Losing their jobs
• People who have miscarried
• The list goes on...

They want to talk for HOURS and HOURS, just saying the same thing over and over again.

It skews your view of the world to be the place where people need to vent/dump... and I try not to hold on their trash, but it effects me.

Can someone call me just to hang out? Can someone call me for some good news for a change?

What is love???

This has been a very interesting couple of months.

Although I admit that I have learned a lot about relationships, I have a lot that I have had to learn about love.

The last few months have learned more about love than I care to.

Let me see if I can explain my dating life over the last 2  years I have been interested in women that were hundreds of miles away... Indiana, Colorado, North Carolina, Tennessee... no one closer than 4 1/2 hours away from where I live.

Part of that was because I really wasn't ready to haveanyone close to where I live. It was the best way to have an exit strategy because I didn't want to have a relationship with my heart even though my head was telling me different.

In February, I met someone that I will only call... Ms. Pumpkin.

When I met Ms. Pumpkin there was this instant chemistry.

She was exactly what I was looking for. And vice-versa. We really dug each each other. And not in the way that most post-modern relationships work where it's a race to get to the bedroom. We were maybe 3 dates in before we shared our first kiss... fireworks!

The primary problem was that as soon as she trusted me enough to allow me to meet her daughter (5) and her family, her ex-boyfriend came into play.

She has seen this guy on and off for 10 years. He has never committed, but just wants to be jealous and over protective when a guy another guy comes into play.

Ms. Pumpkin feels a bit of loyalty for this guy, although I'm not 100% sure why. But she has this need to get him out of her system, so for the last month I have had to deel with her trying to work things out with a man that won't even so much as take her out on a date.

Today... is Friday. It's the date that she gives him "The Ultimatum" - to commit or leave her the heck alone.

As hard as this is for me, and as much as I care, when Monday comes around I may have to leave her... for good. I cannot be her plan B make her feel good.

Below... is the last e-mail that she sent me.

------------------------------

I know that I frustrate you I frustrate me for the love of God . I know that you respect me and that you really would be fantastic for me and (my daughter) . I know this or I would have never considered getting to know you in the first place . I don't do that alot . I miss you when we don't talk . I do get upset with you when you think i am just out for me and that i dont get what you are saying or doing or that you are real I know that you are real! I struggle with the fact that i might watch you slip away bc i am focused on what I think is suppose to happen . i might miss my mark but if i do I cant blame anyone but me . You have been fabulous and wonderful ! I love every minute of getting to know you . I know that we still have a path ahead of us ! Dont give up on us just yet .. I dont mean DONT date I mean go about your way but dont totally close your eyes on me ... i am still here i am just slower alot slower than normal ... I will talk to you soon ! Sweetness!