You can be my wingman any time...

Okay... I was really feeling low last night. I admit it. Part of my issue has always been that I don't feel like I fit in.

I took last night to throw all of my normal thought out the window and just be.

Things started with Nate's going away party. 4 guys... 4 girls... the people that I call the "cool kids" from church. They are more like family than friends. It's a crew that I've always tried to become a part of for the greater part of 2 years. I think I'm finally able to say tat I've accomplished the goal. I was greeted with hugs, people were engaging me in conversation as I them... it was good. A high even.

On my way home, I went to a local bar where friends of mine were playing. I always get in without a cover. Mike's wife was there with a friend of theirs that I met before and her boyfriend in from Atlanta. I asked him to be my wingman for the evening... I HAD A GREAT TIME.

I'm not a drinker, so I didn't bother... but I did have the opportunity to just hang with people. I got to pick up really hot girls... hang with super guys... it was like I owned the place. At the end of the night, people were coming up to me!

Granted... this was one of those  special occasions where I was completely out of my own head. No thinking allowed. Just the impulse of forgetting all the worries of the world.

It was good.

I need a wingman.

Backwards...

Okay...

So, I'm sitting here in my living room wrapped in a cheap burgundy blanket that I stole from some airplane that I was recently on.

As  I was sitting here, I was thinking about the things that I could do to get me out of the funk that I'm in.

Every idea tat I came up with was a self improvement project. The overall flavor was - if I can just do this... accomplish that things will be better.

The problem that I'm facing is that I am lonely.

That is not a problem that I can solve internally.

I am going to have to have to move outside of who I am in order to resolve this. I am going to have to risk being open.

The question is... who am I?

Mother %&(#$#@$

I have a lot of unresolved anger. I'll admit it. I keep it bottled up inside. When something ticks me off I add another little bottle to my pantry.

The problem is that my pantry is so full of little freakin' bottles that there's no room for happiness, joy, love.

That... and I compensate with being overly polite and nice because I know deep down inside I am riddled with a lot of hatred and anger.

For this reason, I don't easily give love or friendship, or anything because I know what lives on the inside. There's the constant fear of being exposed.

So,  here ya freakin' go. I'm going to take a moment to get this off my chest. The things that TICK ME OFF!

This may take a while, because I want this to be a true catharsis.

I'll start from the top... Mom.

Mom, you stifled my growth. you thought you were being protective by not allowing me to go over peoples houses or go to a lot of after school activities - but this is where you learn how to be social.

I remember being a teenager asking you if I could go outside and you said I could go outside, but I had to stay on the front porch. We lived in a SAFE neighborhood where everyone truly knew everyone.

Even now, you use your fears of strangers and others to try to hinder my social life.

I am angry at you because you have always tried to give me your life. A life where you stay at home and talk with people on the phone and experience life vicariously through their eyes.

You've succeeded Mom... you have succeeded.

You tell me that I am so much like my Dad, but as I talk with people that knew him - they all say he was social and affable.

I have inherited your lack of social skills.

For that reason? I am alone. Unable to give love.

I recall being at family functions and seeing Mom sit in a different room as we all interact with each other. Uncomfortable with her own family.

I am my Mother's child.

And I hate this. 

It's 1am...

It's 1am. I am in San Antonio, in a hotel room alone.

This is not how I pictured my life.

Or is it? When I pictured my life growing up, I never dreamed about being surrounded by a close group of friends or even family.

My dreams always involved me... and the one woman that I loved - that loved me with an equal amout of ferocity and devotion.

Ironically? Those that have dated me have said that I do not love with the type of abandon that I crave.

So... at 1am, I sit in my hotel room... alone.

I am frustrated.

Two paths

So... yesterday in the middle of a school parking lot I was yelling at X at the top of my lungs. (For the uninitiated, X is what I call my ex wife.)

We have been divorced for 2 years and regardless of the number of times I ask to see progress reports, to be kept informed with what's going on with the boys, I never hear a thing... that is... until I get a call from the principal at the school because there's an issue.

I am the type of parent that likes to pro-actively partner with the child and the school in order to come up with solutions and give the child the tools they need to be successful. X likes to go in and make excuses because the child has no responsibility in her opinion. Delightful.

So... in the parking lot, when she asked me to help, and she said no to every solution that I had to offer - and I asked her what her ideas were and she said - "you can figure it out..." I completely lost it.

Why is it so hard for her to realize that as primary custodian - she's like the front-line manager. If she doesn't let me know what the problems are, she can't expect me, a key stakeholder, to come in and resolve the problem while it's still fixable.

So... We both have 2 paths.

She can continue with the path that she is on... or she can partner with me.
I can expect her to change... or I can assert myself more into the life of the boys.

The problem with that is unless she does her part. Unless she follows up... all my efforts are for nothing.

Frustrating.

Revelation #217

No matter how much you love something, if you try to force it to fit into a place where it doesn't belong you will ultimately destroy it because it will not be what you originally fell in love with.

That is the lesson that I learned this weekend.

I have been dating a person that is wholly remarkable for the last 3 months, but our lives are just... different.

She enjoys going out with her friends and getting a little buzz. I, on the other hand am not a drinker.

I NEED to express my faith in Christianity in order to be at peace and well balanced. She's still angry at God and it's difficult for me to have conversations of faith with her and most definitely cannot pray with her or have a Bible study with her.

There are other areas as well where we don't line up, but we genuinely like each other.

So, when I exhibit he disciplines in my life that make me who I am, she feels as though I judge her and expect her to live by the same rules. Even though that is not true, it's causing her to feel guilty and about some areas in her life and she struggles with changes - not based upon religious conviction, but based upon relationship with me.

This weekend, I had the opportunity to hang out with people of faith. I took the weekend to spend time with people that share my same struggle with morality, with living out Christian values... it was good.

I was just feeling unfulfilled. Unhappy. Empty. And I know that she was sad as well over many things as well. I hope that she takes the opportunity to find someone that appreciates and loves her for who she is because she truly is a totally remarkable person.