D-Block

There's a difference between choosing to be alone and having it thrust upon you. When you choose to be alone, it's on your terms... you have the freedom to leave and do what you choose whenever you want to.

When it's forced on you, all you have are your wits to keep you from going completely crazy.

So... after work, I chose to walk around my new prison, that I like to call Downtown Denver... D-Block for short.

There were many visitors that seamed happy. But I think it's because they were leaving D-Block. There were others that I believe live in D-Block... some were wandering around talking to themselves or anyone that would listen.

As for me... I venture through D-Block every once in a while... but I tend to want to stay in my own cell.

So... tonight, I think I'll stay in my cell... and play the blues.

Setting up - Part 2

And finally... the "coop de gracie" - my travel guitar that's going to stay here in Denver... even when I travel back home for weekends...

Setting up - Part 1

The object when I travel is to find ways to fill my time during the after work hours. Here's my first line of defense...

* Satellite Radio
* Lyra DVR (With last nights episodes of House and Bones)
* My computer - the little box with all my friends inside...

Here's to small hotel rooms...

As you can tell... the hotel room in Denver is remarkably smaller than the hotel in Charlotte. I don't have a sitting room... a kitchen... 2 beds. And a view of an office building across the street.

Well... at least I'm here safely.

Startling Revelation

I had a startling revelation yesterday. It came to me in the oddest way.

I was looking back at songs that I have written since I purchased my first keyboard in 1994. I have written a lot... A LOT of songs. Of the myriad of songs that I've written, the only ones that I've ever come close to completing were...

* love songs
* songs of lost love
* songs of unreturned love
* songs desiring love

Even going back to when I was married, it looks like I've been screaming at the top of my lungs that I want to love and to be loved.

This is really odd because I was married on 1992.

I think it's disturbing that I am still after all these years desiring this thing that in one song I called - "The Elusive Prize."

When I go back and look at they lyrics, the longing, the passion - it's amazing... and worrying at the same time.

Where is love? And will I ever find it?

I may explore this... right now, I have to board a plane to Denver.

My muse struck again this morning... It plucked me out of my slumber and whispered words into my ear. The words were acompanied by a beautifully haunting melody that nearly chilled my soul.

I moved to my piano... sat down and my fingers easily found the chords that were resonating in my heart.

I looked around to find a pen... paper - I must catch this fleeting moment!!!

Alas... all that I was able to grasp is here below.

For the rest of the day, I will be listening for that voice... that will hopefully help me finish this song.

Lyrics below...
----------
They sat across from each other at the table
He was unable to believe
That a fallen angel was right there in the room

He gazed deep into her eyes
He could see right through her lies
And they kissed not with their lips but with their souls

He felt his heart beat for the first time
Beating like it was alive

Then he wondered if was too good to be true
Now what's he supposed to do?

He has to stop and think things through...
Now tell me, what's he going to do?

Rocky Horror Picture SHow

If you have never seen an audience participation version of the Rocky Horror Picture Show... you don't know what your missing.

I had the opportunity to go last night at the prestigious Alabama Theatre. This is one of like 10 remaining old time theatres with the great vaulted ceilings, 3 tiers of seating, a might Wurlitzer pipe organ that gets played before shows and during intermissions.

It's a great venue. The place where I saw my first Humphrey Bogart flick.

I was surprised that they allowed what went on there to go on.
RHPS is a cult classic. While the film goes on, actors are on stage acting out the performance.

Which, in itself is pretty cool.

The surprising part is the audience participation.

At the beginning of the movie, there's a wedding scene... where the audience throws RICE... a LOT of rice... a TON of rice.

There's the rain scene... where believe me, you'll feel like you've been in a storm.

There are places that you can go on the web in order to see all the bits. I'm not going to be responsible for spoiling it for you. But at the end, the seats in the middle of the theatre were covered with at least 3 feet of... oh, let's just call them props.

Excellent experience.

I went with Jimmy who will dress up for any event... (Harry Potter as Bellatrix, Korn as... well, guess you had to be there...)

Halloween? The Mad Hatter.

I actually attempted to dress up. I was going to go as a Dr... of sorts, but ended up looking like the love child of Boy George and Rick James.

Over all... a boat load of fun... new annual thing...

Need to start working out for next years costume now... where can I buy a corsette?

I wrote this a few years ago... I found it while going through some old papers... decided to share it.
------------------------------------
I sit underneath the poet tree
looking for some kind of inspiration like in that
school house rock cartoon where an apple
falls and hits that guy in the head.

Beneath the poet tree
I breathe in the wind so carefree into
my lungs that the earth around me
breathes for me as I breath.

Beneath the poet tree
I sit alone, alone I sit
sitting, waiting, check, breathing, yes.
Waiting as always alone.

Beneath the poet tree
I contemplate, ruminate, illuminate
thinking about my fate and for
inspiration, I wait and wait and wait

Beneath the poet tree
I wonder why I can be alone
In a crowded room. What is this over my head
a cloud of doom? Why run away.
I am a nice guy.
But nice guys finish last.

Beneath the poet tree I sit
clasp it as my friend rooted deep
it ain't going no-where.
Yep, me, the tree, the wind and air
waiting for inspiration.

The final demon... silence

Silence is my final demon...

This is an interesting demon... it manifests itself in a few different ways...

It manifests itself in my going silent (thus the long periods of silence lately). I have been going completely silent... not talking with family, friends...

The second, is the most dangerous, to me... it's the silence of conviction... where you stop talking to yourself... proclaiming visions of hope for the future and the essence of who you are at your core.

It's really hard to explain this... so, I'll try it this way... Consider Bob Marley. When you see him singing, you can tell that he has great conviction and belief ragard everyting that he's seeing. That same conviction exists when he talks... you know he has a deep sense of self and belief.

Somehow... I've managed to silence that voice.

Finding it is the hard part...

Home for the week

Well... I've settled into my home for the week.

I cannot... absolutely CANNOT take being in a small hotel room, so I always search for suites. I've never stayed in this one before, and despite not having a full kitchen, I decided to stay in it anyway...

I always also pack really heavy when I go. I'm a creature of habit and I can't keep up with some form of normalicy I'll go NUTS.

I brought:

• Satellite Radio (XM)
• My Lyra Personal Media Player (loaded with movies to see)
• Laptop computer (to stay in touch with the world)
• Yamaha Silent Travel Guitar
• DVD Guitar lessons for the week
• Boss MicroBR - digital recorder... in case a musical idea hits me
• Digital Camera
• Roland PMA-5 (Personal music assistant - great for writing music)
• Gym clothes (Peaks fitness is open 24 hours a day)

I know that's a lot... but that is the BARE minimum that I need to make it through a week on the road.

It is my promise to myself to not get stuck in the hotel... I will venture out into the world this week.

OH!!!! And I'm going to name my last and deadliest demon this week!!!

C'ya

Yeah... that's about right...

Like a condemned man before his execution, I had my last request honored last night. (Okay... maybe that's a little dramatic - but I do LOATHE travelling).

Went to see Korn last night... took the WRONG freakin' camera.. ended up with tons of blurry pictures! ROCK ON!!!!

Thanks to Jimmy for the tix! I had a great time!!!!!!!

I'll have lots of updates from the road...

Gotta finish packing.

C-ya!

Okay... I'm travelling... again.

I have determined that one of the reasons that I need to go is to complete unfinished business.

Last time I travelled, I had an "airplane book" - an airplane book is a book that is only read while on - you guessed it, an airplane.

I started reading Wicked... made it half way through the book.

1 on the things that I need to do is finish this book.

See, I'm trying to find the bright side.

I greet the morning with...

I greet the morning with…
Irritation?
Happiness?
Joy?
Anticipation?

How do you greet your day? How do you feel about it?

I know how I felt this morning.

I didn’t.

It amazed me at how emotionless my life is – as a whole. I find that I have to contrive emotions in order to fit in with the rest of the world. I’m not saying that my feelings are not genuine, they are…

But if I hesitate for a second before I laugh, it’s not because I didn’t get the joke. It just took a second for me to process that as the appropriate response.

I can remember a time when I was passionate about life… What I don’t know is when the subtle change happened. I don’t know when the day to day grind caused my passions to be worn away.

How do you find out who you are?

I think that’s the next part of my journey.

I greet the morning with… curiosity.

Self-control

Self-control is another demon that I face.

Some people say self-control is a good thing... it keeps you from eating too many Krispy Kreme donuts...

But there's a different type of self-control that I'm talking about. The type of self-control that leads to self loathing.

My cousin Vic once said

...I've spent my whole life trying to be in control of myself. But I dislike
any one or any situation that tries to control me. So, check this out. My trying
to control myself just causes me to dislike myself. I'm finally understanding
it.I should just let me be.

Okay...

I don't drink. Why? Self-control.

I don't do drugs... Self-control.

I'm not dating... Freakin' Self-control.

Eating healthy... Self-control... again.

Working out... Yep, Self-control.

The list goes on...

I've frequently described myself as a "control freak" - where the only thing that I control is myself... so as a result, occasionally I rebel against myself.

How messed up is that?

Could it also be that my loneliness is a result of Self-control constricting my ability to be free?

How long has my life been driven by these things?

Why is it that now... after all this time I can see it all so clearly?

Love and Hate

Why do I love Loneliness?

Why do I rebel against Rebellion?

Looking at what I wrote, it appears as though I welcomed Loneliness with some kind of affection...

Extreme dislike demonstrated my distaste for Rebellion.

It's like these "demons" have such a strong hold on me that even the mention of their names changes the way that I feel when I talk about them.

The transition to a travel position is beginning to make more sense now.

I'm being thrust into a battle that I've long not wanted to fight. The fight to excise these demons from my life.

Rebellion

Rebellion is another demon friend of mine.

When I think I have clear vision and adversity comes sometimes I weather it well. Other times I just want it to end.

In times when I want it to end, I'll rebel. Instead of going through the lesson gracefully - depending on a strength that's not my own, I run headstrong into the opposite direction.

Screaming at the wind - running down the hill instead of standing there fighting and working my way upward to take the high gorund.

I guess here's an example.

I've been working out and eating healthy... so, what do I do?

I stop working out this week. Start eating out again. Even get an unhealthy amount of food from McDonalds to munch on.

Why?

Because my routine is going to be broken. Because I have to travel.

If that were the extent of what my rebellious attitude was capable of...

The Bible says rebellion is a form of witchcraft. And stubbornness is idolotry.

I can see that.

A lot of times I don't see rebellion until it's too late. I just see the consequences.

So, I don't welcome you rebellion. I loathe you and your ways.

This time, I'm not going to rebel against you, rebellion. I'm not sure how I'm going to defeat you... yet.

You are no longer welcome here.

Loneliness

I've decided to start naming my demons - and to talk about when we first met.

One of the first demons that I had the opportunity to encounter was loneliness.

Loneliness goes back as far as I can remember. I hear her voice more clearly than any others as she whispers in my ear that we are destined to be together forever.

I first met loneliness when I was 5. We were living in Italy at the time. I had the opportunity to attend an Italian kindergarten. OK... tons of points for wanting me to experience another culture - An overwhelming amount of negative points for thrusting an introverted child into that experience. I can recall not even being able to ask the teacher if I could go to the bathroom - which was torture at that age. I remember not being able to contain the dull ache of my bladder anymore and the warm sensation of ... well, let's just say it wasn't a hug of comfort.

We left New York and went to a small town in NY. This city was 49.9% Irish Catholic, 49.9% Italian Catholic. Most of the 0.2% other lived on the other side of town… on the other side of the tracks. This was also during the early 1970’s – the Civil Rights movement in the south had just really ended in 1968 – although the North was supposed to be more progressive, it’s a different story when someone moves next door. This feeling was compounded by having a mother that did not trust anyone based upon things that she experienced during her youth.

I have 3 older siblings and 1 younger sibling. The youngest of the oldest is 8 years older than me and the youngest is 9 years younger than me. So, I had this weird stage where I was overlooked in my own family. Having a baby sister and older siblings that were getting married and going to college. Loneliness embraced me again.

I went to a drinking college – I’m not a drinker.

I went to a Historically Black College – wasn’t quite black enough… whatever that means.

Even in my marriage… I recall feelings of isolation.

So… you can imagine the spiral that I felt when the warm embrace of loneliness embraced me as I get ready to travel again.

Hello loneliness. It’s nice to see you again.

I feel better

I feel better. I went to church and felt the love of my brothers there.

Fighting Demons

Something is bothering me.

Lately, I have been on edge. I find myself pacing throughout the house at 1 or 2 am… getting up at 6 am to prepare for work.

I can’t put my finger on what it is that’s bothering me, but I’m so afraid of whatever it is that I basically come home – lock my keys away and hang on to what ever is sturdy to keep from leaving the house because I can’t trust the mood that I’m in.

I frequently fight my inner demons, but this time they are swarming around my head with a vengeance.

I read others blogs and I’m envious because they know what it is that they’re fighting. But in my world, it’s always changing – a new twist – a new turn.

When I think I’ve put my finger on the pulse of what it is – there’s a subtle change.

What’s worse is that my job is going to have me start traveling again. Traveling spins me into isolation. You’re in one location during the week – so it’s very difficult to make new friends because people have to go to work the next day. Weekends are usually for playing catch up and doing laundry, yard work.

There’s one thing when you’re practicing solitude. You can always end that at any time.

It’s completely different having it thrust upon you.

Friends of mine tell me that there’s a purpose for this. That maybe there’s a lesson to be learned.

What I do know is that I was learning my lessons… my diet has changed for the better. I’m working out. I’m practicing my guitar – for real this time. My heart was set on working with Providence… and now a monkey wrench is being thrown into this.

Honestly, I should be more upset than I am, but I’ve taken all my emotions and misplaced them somewhere – so all I have is this feeling of indifference that says move forward – keep fighting and be diligent at fighting for my survival.

I see why people drink. I see why people do drugs. I see why people become promiscuous. I see why people are adrenaline junkies. I see why people participate in risky behavior.

Just to feel.

Okay… I know I’ve rambled… but all I see are random images floating around in my brain and these were the only ones I could grasp.

Pay attention God. I’m falling now.

Who do you trust?

When I look at this picture there is one guy that I definitely wouldn’t trust… it would be the guy that’s not looking at the person that’s falling. He appears to be completely oblivious to what’s going on.

A lot of times that’s the way that people think about God. They think all their friends are looking out for them, but God is slightly distracted… maybe counting the hairs on the head of the person across from them…

Even in my life I struggle with my trust in God. I admit it freely. One of the prayers that I pray frequently is – “God, show me your will and your way.” I struggle to sit and wait and not run off and headstrong and try to bushwhack my way through the wilderness.

The question is… what’s easier? To bushwhack your way through the woods or trust in an invisible God? My life history tells me that it’s much easier to trust. When I do, my life consistently is better.

Be patient. Trust.