Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Restlessness

It's 3:30 in the morning and I am wide awake.

I'm restless...

Something is stirring and I don't quite know what it is.

Some interesting things have been going on in the last few days.

I took a detour a couple moths ago. I wasn't ready to date, but kind of found myself in a dating situation that ended terribly. That whole thing threw me for a loop.

It also took me a moment to recover.

I know I don't usually mention people in my blogs, but this one is worth mentioning.

Jenny really helped me see some things about myself. She helped me see that I had fallen into the same trap that all the other wanna-be-daters out there.

I left my game plan.

Well, I'm back on course now... but still a little restless... and don't know why.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Stopping the madness

A lot of times I feel like I'm in a car chase ar break neck speeds chasing people with reckless abandon.

Am I so lonely in my life that I a

m willing to spend time talking with anyone that will listen?

I honestly think that I'm worth much more than that and it's time for me to do another purge...

Usually, when I purge people, I just kind of let them phase out, they are sou wrapped up in their world that don't realize that it's been a year since we've talked... This time, I'm thinking about being more proactive... calling them... actually physically burning the bridge.

But in all honesty, I think they would say "I'm sorry... I didn't know that you felt that way..."

Which in all honesty shows me how important I am in their world.

Ok... so here's the plan. I am going to burn the bridges. I'm going to be strong. I am not going to answer their phone calls... it's going to be deliberate.

I will treat them with the same cavalier attitude with which I am treated.

I almost feel better.

I deserve a better class of friend.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Purpose

Purpose is a very dangerous word.

Purpose will drive a person to accomplish things that under ordinary circumstances they may never be able to do.

But what happens when you lose your purpose.

Lately, I have been without purpose, and I've blamed it on resources, or the lack there of... but purpose should extend beyond any excuse... purpose should find its way.

I am writing this today not for anyone out there, but for me.

Despite everything that's gone on in my life - having friends, not having friends, being in the world and retreating from it, there has only been one time when I have been content, and that is in purpose.

But somehow, I find myself shying away from what my intended purpose.

Perhaps it's time to stop hiding and be.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Never...

All across the web I keep seeing this statement pop up:

Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option

Okay, I'm not sure if that's a statement or a declaration or a battle cry, but I've been thinking about that for the last couple of weeks.

Sometimes I think I wear myself too thin because I try to treat everyone in my life like they are a priority.

The question is... how do you make sure that you're not just an option to them?

Well, in my opinion, there are a couple ways. None of them are good.

1) Keep a notebook...

Yep... track why they call you. Do they want something? Do they want to talk about their day or do they call just to check in on you? Is there a balance?

2) Try to get a word in edgewise...

In the middle of the conversation, tell them something about you. Do they gloss over it or do they actually care to see what's going on for a minute?

3) Go missing...

If you talk with them on a regular basis stop. Do they realize that you're no longer in their life?

Anyway... gotta run... that's enough blogging for the day.

Learning from laundry...

Today I paired/matched/mated socks. It's a task that I've put off for a long time...

So... I emptied my sock drawer on my king sized bed and began the process. (Note - these are not my socks in the picture...)

Next I separated white from dark.

Then the pairing of the socks began.

Here is a brief summary of what I learned.

1) You need to get rid of some socks...

Either the elastic is too loose causing there to not be a good fit, or there's a hole - or they just don't fit in your lifestyle anymore (like the knee high socks with the 3 stripes from the 1970's)

2) Some socks have no pairs

Basically.. although you like the sock... sometimes it just doesn't meet a need for you. Do you keep it around for sentimental reasons hoping that its mate will miraculously appear and the sock will have purpose in your life?

That's a personal question... and like some socks... some people fit into this category.

3) You're really happy when you find a match

Yep... more rantings later...!

Over analyzing

Taking a break from blogging and talking about music has given me the opportunity to figure out some things...

1) I tend to over analyze things.

Sometimes I should just let things be. Not everyone has to like me... Not everyone has to get me.

Those that do... have a friend for life. Those that don't... I'm sorry.

2) I'm allowed to make mistakes

Sometimes, I beat myself up because I've made a mistake. Sometimes people are hurt by the mistakes that I've made. All I can really do is apologize... learn... and not repeat the same mistakes again.

3) Life should be enjoyed

I look at the amount of time over the last month that I spent secluded in my house... granted, I haven't had the money to do anything... but aren't the best things in life free?

4) I'm not over analyzing now

I'm just kind of free writing, like I do all the time... what comes out comes out... I'm not really going to agonize over this when I'm done.

Ben Harper

Ben Harper has been making music for a long time and he has a loyal fan base, even though he doesn't get a LOT of radio play.

One of the things that I like about him is his distinctive voice. In today's pop culture world, the voices are too pristine. They have been processed so that the voices are smooth as glass.

Ben has a distinctively raspy voice with some gravel in it. At some points it's like a controlled scream.

You can tell that there's a lot of passion in the words that he's seeing. Conviction.

That's what I'm a fan of... believing in your music.

So... today, I humbly offer you Ben Harper and The Innocent Criminals - Temporary Remedy

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Zachary Breaux - Golden heart... Golden Hands

This morning I would like to remember the smooth stylings of Zachary Breaux.

Zachary was a talented guitarist and one of the pioneers of acid jazz mixing hip hop rhythms with smooth intelligent jazz guitar lines.

Zachary, husband and father died a premature death in his mid 30's while trying to save a stranger from drowning in a riptide while in Miami Beach.

You can't really find his music anywhere - or even on Youtube - where you find anything is in the hands of true fans that keep his music alive through music sharing.

This isn't one of my favorite songs... nor in my collection of Breaux music... but really I could find online to share.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

To every pre-teen/teenager who wants to play...

There are 2 video games that are sweeping across our country. The first is "Guitar Hero" and the other is "Rock Band"

If you're not familiar with the phenomenon, allow me to coach you.

You have 1 controller that is used for the bass guitar, 1 for the lead/electric guitar, 1 for the drums and a microphone for the lead singer.

A series of colored dots come across the screen that tell you when to hit a pad or press a button. If you do it in perfect rhythm then the song sounds just like your favorite artist.

This has become a cultural phenomenon. Where people young and old get together to live out their fantasy of becoming a rock star...

But of course... when I was growing up... we actually learned how to play the music. So today? I salute the young kid that still wants to learn how to play real music! So... in tribute, I offer this video of my youngest son playing an electronic drum set to a song by Alice in Chains called Sludge Factory.

When they came over this weekend, I popped in the DVD... showed him the song. He said... "I can play that" then went into my studio and executed flawlessly.

So... here's to every pre-teen or teenager who really wants to play!

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Tommy Emmanuel

The artist for today is the little known, yet world famous thunder from down under: Tommy Emmanuel.

I remember the first time I saw him in concert. As a guitar player myself my jaw was literally on the floor the entire night.

He dazzled me with incredible playing, great singing and a stage presence that is usually reserved for the biggest rock stars on the planet.

Honestly, he performed 2 shows when he was here and every guitar player in the city that I knew was there to see him.

He's charismatic, innovative and a genuinely nice guy.

So... for your listening pleasure... I offer you The Hunt, by Tommy Emmanuel.

Doyle Bramhall II

My life has been depressing lately - so much so that I hate reading about it. So, I'm going to take a page from Donna's handbook and write about things that make me happy: obscure musicians that the world should know, but doesn't.

The artist of the day is Doyle Bramhall II. Although Doyle has had a major recording contract before, he keeps getting dropped because they don't quite know where he fits in with this thing we call "Pop Music".

Eric Clapton considers this left handed guitar player to be the "real thing" and I think he's an unsung hero among true musicians. His playing inspires me.

Check out this performance:

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Feelings...

I'm toying with a theory.

Some people feel too much, while others don't feel enough. The rest of the planet has the balance just about right.

People who are at either extreme tend to be rather self destructive in their behavior... that is, unless they can manage it in some form of artistic endeavor.

For the people who feel too much - they frequently try to numb the voices - they drink too much, they will use narcotics - virtually anything in order to get a moment of peace.

For the people who feel too little - they spend their time trying to feel something - whether it's chasing sex, chasing a high, chasing a dream, cutting... whatever.

A lot of these people end their life tragically.

Where do I fit in?

I both feel too much AND too little.

I know... that's an oxymoron, isn't it?

I have all these really strong emotional feelings of overwhelming sadness, despair, frustration, the cusp of anger... but it is balanced with an equal amount of numbness and just not caring.

There are times when I wished that this balance didn't exist. At least I would be able to use it in some sort of artistic outlet... but instead? I'm kind of stifled in this really weird limbo.

A friend of mine from high school said - "... you have always been a square peg, why is this bothering you now?"

Maybe that's the question that I need to ask myself...

Friday, July 11, 2008

How do I feel?

Today, I feel like a square peg in a round hole.

I was born in Europe, and started my formal education in Italy. I went to the finest schools in Central New York. I went to a military academy, graduated at the top of my class.

And I live in Birmingham, AL.

I just don't fit in here.

I stay here because my kids are here... because my Mom is here...

If it weren't for my commitment to family, I would be long gone.

Yeah... that's how I feel tonight.

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

More than just a little strange

I was looking at a blog today... since I can't read the language, I can only assume that it's a Chinese blog. I was amazed - they had multiple pictures of a male child - I can tell because his genitals were hanging out of his clothes. It struck me as odd that there would be multiple pictures where there were genitals hanging out of his clothes.

No... really...

Oh well, cultural differences make the world go around.

Wrestling for control

Okay... I have this epic battle going on in my head.


Let me catch you up a little with what's been going on for those of you that came in a little late...


In the post divorce world, I was happy. I wasn't looking for anyone to date. I had good friends that I would go out with and I had control over my own life.


Then... it happened. On a site that I put a profile on about a year ago 2 people send me an interest. I admit it... it was flattering.


So, against my better judgement, I said hello to both of them.


They were 2 incredible people in their own right, but very different.


1 appealed to my sense of logic. I called her my pole vaulter because regardless of the impossible standard that I set she was right there... step by step helping me with this cerebral approach to what it takes to build a relationship.


The other was a just plain beautiful. I never had her jump through any hoops. I just wanted to be in her presence because regardless of what was going on in her world she faced it with a can do attitude.


Both of these people appealed to me for different reasons - and neither one of them is talking with me at the moment.


The first, because we met and I REALLY had second thoughts. Although meeting her was great there was no chemistry there for me. Although I have argued in the past that chemistry isn't important, I think there are some things that are... it's not that I wasn't physically attracted to her as much as she carried herself much like my grandmother. I'm not saying that to be mean... it's just my opinion. Doesn't make it right or wrong. I couldn't get past that. And I feel bad for it.


The other, I admit I made mistakes. I never really viewed her as anything other than an object of beauty. I would listen to her go on and on about her life. It didn't bother me that she wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise. I never even tried with her other than just wanting to be in her presence. I always thought that she was far too good for me - based on looks alone and she always thought I was better than her based on economic standing.


In all honesty, I wasn't really ready for either - but I did learn some things by taking this detour.


The problem that I'm facing now is that I miss them. I'm in this tailspin of loneliness that I should have never allowed myself to get in if I would have just stayed the course and followed the original plan of friends first.


I feel better getting this out there again.


I have more things to work through... so... gimme a few. It's going to get interesting here.


 

Monday, July 07, 2008

Why the sprint?

Everyone that knows me... really knows me knows that more than anything I want to date.

The problem that I have is that everyone wants to sprint to the "I love you" and it doesn't give me time to really get comfortable - really get to know who they are.

It's draining. I honestly do emotionally invest in trying to get to know them, but how long does it take for you to say "I love you?"

Once you say those words - that always is held over your head to some degree... "How can you leave? You said you loved me..."

It's weird.

Lately, I have never felt more out of control than anything.

Okay... so, I have feelings for you. But, when I feel like I'm being backed into a corner and have no way out you get upset with me when I strike out and try to create a little space? A little breathing room? Okay, maybe I do it the wrong way - say a thing or two that I'll regret later... but give me a chance to progress at my own pace.

I recently took down 1 of my blogs because that one was virtually being attacked. For 3 years I had written about my life, my divorce, my struggles - had received countless e-mails from people that said I had encouraged them and now? It's gone.

I don't know...

Maybe I'm weak in not being able to stick with my own plans... to be friends first... maybe I get a little caught up in the moment that someone is actually interested in me and lose focus.

All I know is that I have made a lot of mistakes during the last 30 days. Ones that I have learned from... Ones that I will try very hard to never make again.

Sunday, July 06, 2008

Path of least resistance

Okay... I lost a friend last week.

But in losing a friend I learned some things in the process. I thank them for the part that they played, but I don't think they will find solace in the part that they played.

I try very hard to be a man of integrity, but sometimes when I don't pay attention I take the path of least resistance.

Taking the path of least resistance is a lot like being on a river and letting the current take you.

The problem with living life this way is that you will eventually get to rapids. Yeah. That happened to me a few times last week in different ways.

Some of these people read my blog, some don't... I think this is more as a reminder for me.

When navigating the river of life, watch out for the rapids... someone may get hurt.

Saturday, July 05, 2008

That's about right...

This picture really captures how I feel. As I look at myself in the mirror, the image that I see is slightly blurry.

Let's see... what's happened in the last calendar year?

Marriage... over.

Church - left the old church to X and the boys

My sons - move out of the house and in with their mother.

My job - gone

Dad - deceased

New Pastor - leaving my current church to start another.

Lost a potentially great girl.

That's a lot of loss to deal with... okay.. the finalization of the divorce was actually a positive... but you know what I mean...

Where am I in the middle of all of this? What am I doing? What are my plans?

It's pretty bad when your plans include matching socks as the highlight of your day... a task that I haven't done yet because when it's done there's not going to be anything else to look forward to.

Anyway...

Don't worry... I'll figure it out. I will be ok.

Wrestling myself

Lately, I have been wrestling myself.

As many of you know, my blog has been one of the ways that I have always worked through my emotions and my feelings.

If you look back, there are gaps and holes where there have been times of silence. These have been times where I haven't had the opportunity to talk about what's been going on.

This morning, I was wrestling with closing down this blog and starting another anonymous blog or keep this one open. If I keep this one open, what would I discuss here?

For a while, I'm going to try to keep this one going with thoughts about life and observations that I'm interested in sharing, but I am starting an anonymous blog that is going to keep my primary attention.

Thank you all for your support, e-mails and comments over the last few years.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Maybe I need to blog...

I've always said that blogging is a way for me to figure out what's going on in my own head... a kind of free writing that allows the things that I really don't want to admit to come out.

For the last few days I've been hidden in my house like I'm some kind of fugitive hiding from the law.

I have wanted to talk with people, but haven't wanted to talk with people.

I've wanted to be surrounded by my friends but not really wanting to see anyone at all.

In all of this, I had a friend ask me - "But, do you miss me?"

It took me 3 weeks to realize that I miss my own Dad.

I'm not sure that I've grieved the loss yet. I've just kind of put it on the back burner and haven't thought about it at all. So the question is... how shall I mourn the loss of my Dad.

Knowing that we'll never share that sly look and smile - the inside joke that we shared so many times...

If you could tell me how to properly do that.. I'll gladly move on... but until then? I think I'm going to match socks or something.

I miss Dad

Today was the first day that I almost allowed myself to cry.

First things first...

Okay... so, there's a lot going on and it seams like everything is a little overwhelming.

What do you do?

First, rely on your training...

Ummm does anyone have their manual for how to cope with life? I think I've misplaced mine somewhere along the way, Amazon is all out and I think the one on ebay if a forgery...

Okay... let me wing it...

1) Don't panic.

2) Look around at your controls (the things that you can directly control/influence).

3) Grab the stick and pull yourself up and out.

Okay... I'm finally up and out of bed. I'm doing the dishes that have been left over since Sunday. That's a step in the right direction.

Here's my to do list for the day...

1) Clean the house. (I have my sons this weekend, can't let this place be a total mess...)

2) Exercise

Start small...

What happened???

There was a point in time where I was an optimist... if you put me in any situation I was determined that I would shine.

I am pretty convinced that throughout the course of my life that I would succeed at anything that I've ever put my hand to and now... I feel like my midas touch is now turning everything that it touches to sh.. ummm... garbage.

So... how does one find that joie de vivre again?

I think one of the things that I'm missing at the moment is my support system. Being out of town for work followed by spending 6 months out of town helping with my family has my... isolated.

I am not even finding solace in the activities that are usually my go to activities...

There are some that would argue that it's because of recent things that have transpired.

I don't know, but I don't think so.

Right now? I think I'm going to go clean my house...

More on the yellow brick road...

I was thinking about life this morning as I was laying in bed trying not to think about anything at all.

Life has an interesting arc to it.

When I was young I had a really good fantasy life. I could be whoever I wanted to be.

During the next stage, I realized that it was true! And actually worked to be the person that I wanted to be.

Actualization... living out your dreams.

Being lost. That's the one that they don't tell you about.

But it happens.

It's amazing how quickly you can go from having purpose and a plan in your life to being completely... lost.

Allow me to pause for a moment.

Breathe.

That feels good...

I'm off to figure out who I am... again.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

Follow the yellow brick road...

Honestly, a lot has been going on that would ordinarily have my heart in a tailspin, but instead of having my heart spin, I'm kind of just... blah.

I actually remember the last time that my heart felt something. It was with Sparkles (This is the same Sparkles that the Sparkles Effect was named after. I'm really proud of her, she's grown a lot over the last few months!). That's when I gave the famous speech - "I have 4 hearts and they have all been broken" - during that speech I also made the declaration that she was going to break my heart and that I would never feel again.

By virtue of the fact that I never really talk about Sparkles you can only assume how that turned out.

So... basically what I've done is taken a very cerebral approach to dating. Engage at a mental level and not a heart level. I show my heart, but is guarded. I can show it, I just don't know that I can give it.

So... what happens when you meet someone that you want to connect with but can't figure out how?

So... my heart is kind of like Dorothy in the beginning of the Wizard of Oz. My heart is housed in a safe place - but this place has been transported to parts unknown. I'm really honestly trying to find out where it's going to land so I can start the journey to the wizard to see if I can find this mythical place called home.

The question is... how do you engage people to go on the quest with you - especially when you don't know what the outcome is.

Maybe I'll just stay in Munchkin land... They like me there.