Wrestling for control

Okay... I have this epic battle going on in my head.

Let me catch you up a little with what's been going on for those of you that came in a little late...

In the post divorce world, I was happy. I wasn't looking for anyone to date. I had good friends that I would go out with and I had control over my own life.

Then... it happened. On a site that I put a profile on about a year ago 2 people send me an interest. I admit it... it was flattering.

So, against my better judgement, I said hello to both of them.

They were 2 incredible people in their own right, but very different.

1 appealed to my sense of logic. I called her my pole vaulter because regardless of the impossible standard that I set she was right there... step by step helping me with this cerebral approach to what it takes to build a relationship.

The other was a just plain beautiful. I never had her jump through any hoops. I just wanted to be in her presence because regardless of what was going on in her world she faced it with a can do attitude.

Both of these people appealed to me for different reasons - and neither one of them is talking with me at the moment.

The first, because we met and I REALLY had second thoughts. Although meeting her was great there was no chemistry there for me. Although I have argued in the past that chemistry isn't important, I think there are some things that are... it's not that I wasn't physically attracted to her as much as she carried herself much like my grandmother. I'm not saying that to be mean... it's just my opinion. Doesn't make it right or wrong. I couldn't get past that. And I feel bad for it.

The other, I admit I made mistakes. I never really viewed her as anything other than an object of beauty. I would listen to her go on and on about her life. It didn't bother me that she wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise. I never even tried with her other than just wanting to be in her presence. I always thought that she was far too good for me - based on looks alone and she always thought I was better than her based on economic standing.

In all honesty, I wasn't really ready for either - but I did learn some things by taking this detour.

The problem that I'm facing now is that I miss them. I'm in this tailspin of loneliness that I should have never allowed myself to get in if I would have just stayed the course and followed the original plan of friends first.

I feel better getting this out there again.

I have more things to work through... so... gimme a few. It's going to get interesting here.