Well... first of all, I apologize for not being around. I have had a TON of things going on in my world.
Priorities... go figure.
On a completely different note, in coming off my sabbatical I received a job offer on Friday.
If anyone is interested, although I have the offer I am still entertaining offers - so if anyone knows of anyone interested in a Senior Software Consultant that wouldn't mind being a road warrior, please drop me a line!
Thanks.
I have a good friend named Jimmy that NEVER EVER puts things that are of a personal dating nature in her blog.
Lesson learned.
There's a big difference between placing your own emotional feelings out there... it's a completely different thing when someone else's are involved.
With that being said...
I am going to try to get back to normal posting. I have a lot of things that I need to work through after the death of Dad.
I hope that you all have a nice weekend and that you live every moment to its fullest.
More.... later.
I can truly say that I was slightly overwhelmed by the amount of negative responses to my post on running.
Wow!
I would also like to thank those that spoke positive affirmations.
For those that have been long time readers you're aware that I do this thing called - "Misdirection" - this is when there is a larger problem that I don't want to talk about that's bothering me, so I throw out something else.
Yesterday was a classic example.
I have been on sabbatical since January. One of the reasons that I decided to move to the state that I'm in was so I could be close to Mom and Dad in the event that something happened. Over the past 6 months I've had the opportunity to put that to the test.
I have spent more time at their house over the last 6 months than I have at mine.
In all honesty, I still haven't properly grieved the loss of Dad.
My sisters left Mom's house yesterday. I opted to go home almost immediately after the funeral because I didn't feel like sitting around talking about memories of Dad. I returned only after they left.
It's very financially taxing to take a year off and still have obligations to meet. Alimony/Child Support, mortgage payments other miscellaneous and not so miscellaneous bills.
In all honesty, my number one priority of necessity is not finding the perfect person to date, but in finding a job (as I look at the $49 that remains in my bank account.)
Perhaps, putting on my running shoes had more to deal with hitting the ground running to start my job hunt. Perhaps it was preparing for the upcoming challenges. Perhaps it was the realization that over the next 2 months as I job hunt/start working I am going to have to put a lot of things on the table in order to ramp up to what I do.
I am an Information Technology specialist. I design n-tier software systems with a strong concentration in middleware technologies. I am also competing in an industry where they are still sending a fair amount of work to India and China.
So... please tell me... what are the important puzzle pieces that I need to concentrate on? What is expedient? Where is my energy best spent?
At the moment, I have to have 2 full time jobs...
1) Job hunting
2) Skills enhancement
So, as I try to figure things out... please be a little patient with me as I try to handle first things first.
Look for updates soon!
I admit it... I'm a runner.
When it comes to relationships, I am a runner. I am such a runner that I refuse to call it anything other than a relationship.
I like to call it a friendship, a journey, a blueprint.
I don't think I'm ready to risk yet.
Or maybe I am...
I have to think about this. I have to count the costs...
I have worked so hard at creating all these hoops for people to jump through and when people start jumping through them... AAARRRGH...
I have to think.
What do I want?
The stakes are too high to be glib.
Gimme a day or 2 to work things out in my own head.
I think I'm going to start lacing up my track shoes...
Don't hate me...
Basically, building a relationship is like trying to sketch something. I have a firm idea as to what it is going to look like.
If you want to work on this blueprint with me... you can't hold my pen.
I am allowed to be the primary architect, but my expectation is for whoever I am with to look over my shoulder to make sure that I don't do something crazy.
If she notices something that might be cool, I will listen intently - ask questions... I may even hand the pen to her and let her draw. But... I'm going to be looking over her shoulder.
Roughly translated? As long as I honor her by listening and as long as she doesn't snatch the pen we'll be okay.
I think that kind of sums up our metaphorical conversation.
Of course, she's been using her own pen for such a long time, it's kind of scary for her to put her pen away... fold up her own blueprints and look at the one we've been working on for the last almost 2 months... but she's willing.
That's a special thing.
Of course, I reassured her by reminding her that every time she's had something to say I would always listen and ask questions.
When we're done... we may not just build a house... we may end up with a home.
At around 9:30 am the world lost a great man.
My Father passed away this morning.
As many of you know, I had the opportunity to serve Mom and Dad over the last 2 months. It was humbling.
So, if you will indulge me for a moment, I want to take a moment and remember him.
My Father's Dad was a share cropper in North Carolina. 2nd generation ex-slave. He witnessed his Father getting paid $20 for a years worth of work and determined that he was not going to follow that same path.
Over the course of his life he had the opportunity to learn Arabic and French. He had the opportunity to see more of the world than most people do in multiple lifetimes.
He was an engineer, a student of psychology, an expert in radio transmissions, both micro and macro wave.
I could write stories about his accomplishments and how he's inspired me to be the man that I am.
But, for the moment, I just want to remember him as Dad.
What am I doing awake at 3:00AM?
I can't really sleep.
I admit it, there's a part of me that likes to keep people a little off balance in terms of how I feel.
For the first time in a long time, I haven't been looking, and everything that I've been looking for has snuck up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder and grabbed me by the hand. And like any child, I try to jerk my hand away and run saying "Catch me! Catch me!"
I have concluded that I am afraid. There has never been an instance in my life where I've been interested in someone and it has worked out for the best. I keep waiting for her to expose me for not being man enough, or for her mask to come off - when, we are honestly being who we are.
So... at 3:00... in the morning I sit here mostly frustrated at my own inability to just enjoy someone without fear that she's going to break my freakin' heart.
So, we're basically at an impasse unless I am willing to let her tug on my heart strings without my tugging back when it gets a little too real.
And that's probably the most scary thing of all.
So... I asked my sons if it were okay for me to date. Since they are 12/12 and 16 I decided it would only be fair to see if they had any feedback regarding anyone that I might see in the future.
The following list is a subset of the criteria that they gave.
She must not be crazy
She cannot be hot!
She cannot be embarrassing
She must be a virgin (Although I think they might be a little flexible on this one...)
I can't spend more time with her than with them when they are here
She must be nice
She must know how to manage money
She cannot be shorter than 4' 10" tall
She cannot be obese
My kids cannot be current friends of her children
She has to be over 25... anything younger and they said I would be a pedophile... (How old do they think I am???)
She can have kids, but they cannot be their age... or attractive
She can't have kids under the age of 8 and if she does have kids, they must be potty trained!!!
Wow... that's a pretty in depth list.
Does anyone know where I can find a 40 year old virgin... with kids?
I don't know... at this point, eating cow's tongue or sticking my head in a bucket of cockroaches to fish out a key with my mouth is almost a task that I would rather do than meeting someone.
Okay maybe not, but there is an element of fear that's creeping in over the notion of meeting dating.
I don't care if you send a million e-mails or spend hours on the phone there's always a difference when you meet someone in person.
I think everyone has a super secret list of items that they are looking for... except for me.
I'm really not sure what I'm looking for. As a result - it's very difficult for me to determine what it is that I would like in someone to date.
Therefore, instead of looking for qualities that I like, I look for things that I find annoying or things that I really couldn't live with.
I look for disqualifying things.
Just because I find something that is disqualifying, it doesn't mean that I'm going to walk away.. I have to make an assessment as to whether or not it's something that I can or cannot live with.
Does that make sense?
Disqualifying things for me are things like: the inability to listen, or being too clingy. Not being able to articulate what they are feeling or just being irrational... spitting in public places or raising your leg to pass gas while in a grocery store... yeah, that's not endearing either. Then there are obvious things like unprocessed baggage from previous relationships.
But how can you determine what these disqualifiers are? The list to me seams so random. Because there are so many different people out there with quirks that I've never seen before you can't make a list. Know what I mean?
So... if I'm interested in you as a person that's a good thing... but there are just some things that would drive me crazy. The disqualifiers.
Don't get me wrong. I have personality quirks that are disqualifiers too.
That's why I invented the whole "Time and Consistency" method to determine if there are any of these quirks.
TC and I are planning to meet for the first time in 25 days. In 25 days, it will be 2 months since we first exchanged e-mails.
Since that time, we have exchanged long e-mails, talked on the telephone nightly for 4 to 6 hours.
Our conversations are interesting. We don't spend a lot of time talking about the past, although occasionally we ask pertinent questions like:
"Tell me about your adult relationships. How did they end? What role did you play in their demise?"
We don't play the "I think you're great because..." games.
We spend time trying to understand each others coping skills. Problem solving styles. Communication models. Building a safe environment to approach sensitive topics. Allowing the other person to feel safe when asking questions that are far too personal for casual conversation.
Of course, it's not always nose to the grindstone foundation building. We also joke around. TC has a wickedly twisted sense of humor and appreciates mine.
Both of us have friends that are trying to understand why we are waiting so long. We both have friends that try to give us advice about our first meeting. I'm not sure they understand what we're trying to do.
Actually... I'm not sure we know what we're trying to do. Well, actually I do. She is trying to qualify me... I am trying to disqualify her.
More on that... tomorrow.
Sorry folks, I've been a little... distracted lately. There are really 2 reasons why...
1) I'm still working with Mom/Dad, so my life has kind of been on hold.
2) I've met a person of interest.
So... let me tell you about the person of interest.
We met almost 33 days since I met TC, and it seams like I've known her quite a while longer. We started off e-mailing each other back and for and it has progressed to these really long 4 or 5 hour conversations where we are working dilligently on getting to know each other.
I've learned so much about her in these conversations:
She's right handed.
She's a really good bowler... when she uses bumpers.
She has really bad horrible handwriting most of the time and likes to write exclusively in black ink.
She occassionally eats Cap'n Crunch for diner.
She salts everything repeatedly... including pizza, soup and saltine crackers... (okay, maybe not saltines)
See? I am really getting to know the GOOD STUFF!
Anyway... we're going to meet for the first time on June 28.
(Immigration has been realy tough about granting her a visa to come here from Venus.. after all, aren't women from Venus?)
Anyway... expect to hear a lot from me regarding TC over the next couple of weeks as I count down to the BIG MEET.
A lot of people have indicated that June 28 is far too long for us to meet, but we really like the path we are taking.
Honestly, I'll write a LOT about this over the next couple of weeks.
