True confession

What am I doing awake at 3:00AM?

I can't really sleep.

I admit it, there's a part of me that likes to keep people a little off balance in terms of how I feel.

For the first time in a long time, I haven't been looking, and everything that I've been looking for has snuck up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder and grabbed me by the hand. And like any child, I try to jerk my hand away and run saying "Catch me! Catch me!"

I have concluded that I am afraid. There has never been an instance in my life where I've been interested in someone and it has worked out for the best. I keep waiting for her to expose me for not being man enough, or for her mask to come off - when, we are honestly being who we are.

So... at 3:00... in the morning I sit here mostly frustrated at my own inability to just enjoy someone without fear that she's going to break my freakin' heart.

So, we're basically at an impasse unless I am willing to let her tug on my heart strings without my tugging back when it gets a little too real.

And that's probably the most scary thing of all.