I was thinking...

I was thinking a lot about the last year.

I was remembering when I was suffering through the divorce that I did a series of pictures that I can only call in retrospect "Suffering in Silence."

The reason why I'm bringing this up is because a friend of mine said something interesting to me...

She asked me if any my Mom's personality traits were presence in me.

Honestly... there are... or, should I say they were. I'm watching how she's dealing with the sudden news of Dads change in health and my heart goes out to her. The best that I can do is let her know that she's not alone.

Let her know that I'm going to be there for her...

That regardless of her mood swings, acting out, whatever... just be there. Love her.

I dunno.

It's interesting.

I can truly appreciate the changes in my life.

In literature, there are several classic conflicts: man against nature; man against himself; man against man and man against God.

I've successfully weathered the following:

• man against man
• man against himself
• man against nature

The last that I need to resolve is what is truly the hardest - man against God.

Once I've completed that... my circle would have been completed.

Yesterday.

Dad came home from the hospital yesterday. The doctors said there's nothing medically that can be done in order to improve Dad's condition. We are now migrating from rehabilitation to comfort.

Yesterday Mom signed the papers for Home Hospice.

It's a long story, and I don't want to go into the full medical history. We were progressing so well, and now it's sad to see things go... backwards.

I'm extending my sabbatical to provide as much relief as possible for Mom and to be there for Dad.

Thank for your prayers and concerns.

Am I strong enough?

When I woke up this morning the lyrics to "Strong Enough" by Sheryl Crow were reverberating in my mind. Particularly this part of the chorus:

When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I cant stand
Will you be strong enough to be my man?

Then it struck me... I know why I'm supposed to be at my parents house.

Although I've declared myself emotionally healthy, I haven't been tested.

This time I've had with my Mom has been the test. Am I strong enough to be the man that I want to be relationally?

Can I stay in balance when things pull me out of balance?

Can I stay emotionally engaged and not zone out?

The answer to that question is yes. Yes 1,000 times over.

Okay, I have made mistakes, but I'm beginning to catch them. Understand them.

I think I've passed this test...

Updates...

This red, puffy, swollen thing is my eye. We used to be friends. We would watch TV together, work out together, we would hang out ALL the time.

Until he started playing with the allergens.

When I saw them I knew they were no good. I warned him to stay away... but did he listen?

NoooOOOOooooo.

So now - after 2 days of taking Zyrtec and Sudafed PE I think I've found a combination of meds that work.

Every 12 hours, take a Claritin D and a Zyrtec.

Yeah, I know both of those are supposed to be 24 hour drugs... but I'm desperate.

That... and I've missed a day of blogging. My day started at 3:30am yesterday when I was sitting at the table with Dad. We were having a conversation when we decided to call for an ambulance.

It wasn't that something catostrophic happened. We just decided that it would be quicker to get him admitted than to have me drive.

They've done a battery of tests. They were able to detect an old stroke in the right side of the brain. Nothing big. But I don't think that they've noticed it before... They did an MRI, but I haven't had a chance to catch up with the doctors after they've done their reading.

They also noticed heart enzymes in the blood stream - which means some cardiac even occurred.

One step forward....

2 steps back.

Interestingly enough, the hospitals free internet blocks social networking sites like Multiply and facebook... so... don't ask me how I'm doing this... Shhhhh.... it's a secret.

Take care... and here's to another long day!

Finding balance...

I've worked really hard at finding balance in my life - lately I feel unbalanced.

When I got to my parents house, I could feel. The full range of emotions. Lately I find myself emotionally dead... I hate that feeling.

This morning - it clicked. I'm bending so far over backwards to try to pull my parents into balance, but it's not my job to pull them into balance. It's theirs.

I guess this lesson is turning out to learn to let go. Understand that I truly can't solve others problems regardless whether or not what I'm trying to do is in their best interest.

My closest friends tell me that I'm too kind. That I will rend to help others to the point where it ultimately hurts me.

Maybe this lesson is to help me learn to take care of my emotional needs instead of bending all the time. Just to love people in their current situation. It doesn't mean that I have to impose my desire for what I think is ultimately best.

I dunno...

The "Parental Gambit"

In chess, there is this play called a gambit. A gambit is a chess opening in which a player risks one or more pawns or a minor piece to gain an advantage in position.

After "the incident" on Saturday I played the tough love parental gambit.

I was prepared to let it play for for 2 days, but it honestly took less than 24 hours.

I basically refused to lift a finger. I let Mom do everything on her own. I made sure it was inconvenient. If Dad was uncomfortable in the bed... I let it be.

Mom came to me and said - "He's given up. This is too tough. Do what you have to do."

Breakthrough.

I sat her down and said "I love you Mom, but you are going to have to learn to deny your basic impulse to speak out."

Great... Now I'm not handling a 2 front war. It's a 1 front war... time to work on Dad.

Dad, was tougher.

The abbreviated form of the conversation was - "Okay, Dad. I'm calling your physical therapist, occupational therapist and cancelling your services - and I'm going to go home."

He said - "Who's going to take care of me if you're gone?"

"If you're going to just stay in bed... you don't need me here. I don't want to watch."

"I guess I have to get out of bed."

Victory!

Dad and I are back to normal now. He's looking at me. Smiling. That connection is back.

As for Mom? We're getting closer.

Despite the minor set back, there's a lot of good healing going on.

Thanks for all the prayers, positive thoughts and encouragement.

FRUSTRATING!!!!

I have honestly never been so frustrated in my life.

Yesterday was a bad... bad... bad... day.

As a part of the recovery process from cancer, many older patients experience depression.

Dad is not as strong as he was before and depends on others to take care of almost all of his basic needs.

Yesterday morning he didn't want to get out of bed at all. I asked him if he wanted to spend the next 10 years laying there staring at the ceiling and he said yes.

It took 20 minutes and one of the daily motivational speeches to get him up and walking... yes walking to the kitchen.

We get there, do breakfast - and I notice that he may not be up for the walk back to the bedroom... So, we decide we're going to do half the distance.

Since we weren't going to do the full walk, I decided to take the moment to work on some therapy things. Work the muscle memory of standing up/sitting down... etc.

Mom started yelling - "He's tired!!! Why are you torturing him?"

She was casting fear and doubt into this man that I have been working so hard to build up.

ARRRRRRRGH

I admit it. I was short with Mom when I asked her to be quiet. She wasn't helping what I was trying to do - which is get Dad as strong as possible over the next few weeks so things will be easier for her.

For the rest of the day - he laid in bed. Didn't want to move. Didn't want to sit up. Didn't want to do anything but lay there.

Part of that was him protecting Mom. Sending a message to me that we needed to work together better.

One of the tools that I have is that we talk.

When I took him to his doctors appointment and we sat in the lobby for 3 hours, we talked and joked. It's part of what we do... it helps calm him down... understand that I believe in him and it gives him strength.

She took that away from me yesterday when she screamed - "he doesn't like to talk!!! Why are you talking to him - he doesn't need to be lectured"

For the rest of the freakin' day every time I would try to talk to him he would close his eyes.

She killed so much progress in 15 minutes of insanity.

I don't want to turn this into a bash Mom thing. I understand that she's stressed.

I tried to explain to her that when I'm gone it's going to be her and him. There are going to be times when he's tired, but he's still going to have to help her help him.

So today? I am going to do nothing.

I am going to sit down... and let her run the show. I am not going to lift a finger so she can see how hard it really is going to be.

I love them both.

I hate tough love.

I just don't see any other way.

Another dating analogy...

I was talking with another friend of mine about dating this morning. It's a favorite topic of mine - probably because I'm really interested in dating, but haven't stumbled across the right situation/circumstance yet.

Anyway... the analogy that I came up with this morning revolves around baking cookies.

This mornings conversation revolved around how do you know know if someone is interested in you.

I hate to make this generalization, but the women that I know seam to call something a relationship very quickly... so today? 2 1/2 cookie analogies...

1) What is more disappointing than walking into a house and smelling cookies when you walk through the door and finding out that it's just a really really nice smelling candle.

2) What's more frustrating than baking cookies then taking them out of the oven too soon trying to eat them... all you get is a gooey mess...

2 1/2) Can you microwave cookie dough??????

A lot of times when I talk to people, I guess I also talk to myself. What did I learn?

Wait for it.... Wait for it...

No seriously, that's what I learned.

Wait for it. Be patient. Don't try to rush things. See what's there...

In the end - will be happy with the end result and not disappointed.

Startling revelation #13

Yesterday I realized something... in 11 years I am going to be 50 years old.

Now, I don't consider 50 to be old, but the thought that I would have seen half a century really brought things into stark relief.

I immediately began to do a life inventory... do I have good friends, what have I accomplished, what will my legacy be...

Then my thoughts slightly changed... what do I want to do? What are my 10 year goals? Are the selfish? Do the involve others? What do I want to do?

I haven't really decided, but what I do know is that I'm going to spend the next year preparing because I want to make the most out of the next decade.

I want to lose the extra weight that I carry - I know that's a fact.

I want to write another CD - this one, from my heart.

I want to continue to look at life the way that I do - with wide eyed wonderment.

I want to make an impact on peoples lives. I want to go into the inner city and inspire hope. I want to spend more time with people on the fringe of society to let them know that they are cared for by more than just the people in their small community - whether that be the community of the homeless or the punk rock kids that hang out just because it's cool to stand there and look cool.

There are friends from my past that I want to reconnect with.

And... there's one selfish goal... I want to fall in love. Deeply. Madly. Passionately. For the first time in my life I want to be in a healthy, loving relationship.

Okay... there's nothing that I can do about that last one... it takes 2 people and I'm not going to settle. But a guy can dream.

Well folks... I have a lot to prepare for in a year. Will you help keep me honest?

An old proverb rings true...

There is an old saying that reads as follows:

"As iron sharpens iron, so does a friend sharpen the countenance of his friend."

After yesterday's birthday "celebration" I was feeling pretty down today. I was wallowing in self pity... until the doorbell rang unexpectedly.

When I opened the door an old college friend was at the door.

He was as surprised to see me as I was him. He basically was in the neighborhood and came over to ask my parents for my contact info... and I opened the door.

Lemme tell you my George stories...

When we were in college - he was in the Marines reserves. During the first Gulf War, his unit was called to serve. The nigh before he was supposed to report for duty - the 2 of us were hanging out.

We had this really deep friendship - he looked at me and he said - "I'm scared..."

I... of course being the problem solver that I am... took him out for donuts. We purchased a dozen...

He had 4... I had 4... leaving 4. I looked at him and said "I am going to save these donuts until you get back. When we do... we're going to eat them..."

Well, his unit got activated. He got deployed.

About 6 months later when he got back - he came over to visit.

As he sat down and relaxed... I went to my closet and pulled out this box of donuts that had been sitting out for 6 months. They were literally as hard as rocks. I opened the lid and said, "want one?"

This guy was honestly closer to me than a brother.

He came over at noon and stayed until around 10pm - just laughing, sharing memories. He did share something with me tonight that he hadn't shared with me before... and to some degree, it was comforting.

He said "Kingsley (one of our friends) and I actually cried when you told us you were getting married. Real tears - we were like - he's making a big mistake."

It really did my heart good to know that I had friends like that... friends that cared enough to cry over life decisions I was making.

I then of course chastised him for not throwing me in the back of his van and beating some sense into me...

It was a good visit. Although it's been 2 years since I've seen him, it's like we never parted ways.

Seeing him was the best belated birthday present I've received in years!

Yesterday was my birthday...

I don't think it's ever taken me this long to put together a blog entry. I've been working on this one for 2 hours. This is my 4th re-write.

The first entry started of sad then the last went into full on dismay.

So... in an effort to cheer myself up I went to one of my guilty pleasures - a chick flick. I admit it, I'm a hopeless romantic and sometimes a good chick flick cheers me up.

All I can say is that my movie choice for today SUCKED.

The movie of the day was "Enchanted" a super sugary sweet love story about people from the fairy tale world coming into the real world and changing what their understanding of true love ending with everyone experiencing happily ever after.

As an optimist and hopeless romantic I'm beginning to question my life's choices... maybe I need to find a different path.

Fond memories...

This is my oldest sister Patti. I snapped this picture at the airport. Sometimes it really amazes me ho much me and my siblings look alike.

When we get together we always talk about these funny stories about when we were kids.

We had this game that we played called "Take it like a man" - We would hold out our hands and swing them back and forth until they slapped together and say - "Take it like a man" - and do this until out hands were red... The loser was the first person to quit.

Okay... I admit it... that's an odd game to play... but we were living in Italy at the time on something like the 14th floor of an apartment building in downtown Martina Franca, Italy. It's not like our parents were going to let a couple of pre-teens run around outside. So, you have to improvise...

When we moved back to the US we used to have a lot of fun. Sometimes when we walked through the neighborhood and we saw a dog, we would hold hands and squeeze if we saw a dog. Okay... if you've seen the movie "Tin Man" on SciFi, then you know how important it is to hold your siblings hand and not let go when danger came.

This is the sister that I would sneak into the camp behind our house with. We grew up on a lake and we would go on pontoon boat rides, play games, buy food at the snack bar...

It's always fun to catch up and remember.

Will someone remind me to get some of the old video tapes and put them on DVD?

Thanks!

Holding it together...

I wanted to get something out there today... but instead I had this completely inappropriate cathartic episode with a friend of mine on myspace today.

I have no idea why I went on and on and on about the stupidest things...

I should have just kept to my routine and blogged first... it helps me get centered and focused on the day.

When I don't? WOW!!!

Ummm... if you're reading my blog - consider this a public apology.

Okay... my goal is to only say positive things about my Mom for the rest of the time that I'm at home.

For those of you that know the power of prayer... pray for me. Positive thinking is also accepted.

My new strategy is going to be to play checkers with her. She likes checkers. Start small... I'm not going to try to meet her half way... I am going to meet her all the way. And even if she doesn't want to take the journey with me... I'll enjoy the visit.

Dad...

I find myself snapping more pictures of Dad these days...

Pictures of his hands, my hands by his hands.

Although his memory isn't what it used to be, we find a lot of joy in the the moment and in story telling.

And every once in a while, we'll share a moment that is just incredible.

After being in the hospital for 4 months he finally came home. We set up one of the bedrooms in the house with a hospital bed and everything that we would need for home health care.

To him... it still made it feel like he was still in the hospital, so we walked around the house to the various rooms.

When we got to his bedroom he sat on the edge of the bed and looked around...

For a moment, his eyes lit up.

I asked him what was so funny.

He said - "Mom... she left every drawer open on her dresser."

We both got a good laugh out of that one.

I think that's going to be my goal while I'm here. Just enjoy my parents... It's a good thing to be in the position to be able to care for your parents.

A mother's love...

From the time I was about 15 years old I've always had a strained relationship with my Mom. It's always bothered me that it hasn't been great.

Over the years I've tried to work on the relationship but always walk away shaking my head.

Honestly, there have been evenings where I've stayed up late at night wishing that I had the type of relationship with her the way that my brothers and sisters did.

Until yesterday.

In the last 24 hours, I've seen my Mom bring 2 of my sisters to their knees - and my brother who has been a ROCK to me in terms of the way he relates to my parents... his hands were literally shaking.

Let's talk about an eye opener.

My oldest sister talked with me for an hour about her relationship with Mom.

My little sister? 6 hours. I sat there... reassured her... helped her put the pieces back together.

It's odd... 4 siblings in the house all trying to do things to help Mom and Dad. And she's working against us. Pushing us away. Being accusative. Trying to pit one against the other. It's a dysfunctional masterpiece.

I've have honestly had to say - "you're my sister... I love you unconditionally, regardless of what Mom may say."

My next 3 weeks here are going to be... interesting.

I honestly don't want to air dirty laundry. I pride myself on talking about my life and only my life... but this effects my life.

Just a warning... in the event that my blog goes to a dark place...

Nah... I'm going to be fine. I don't hold things in. I work through them. I... am emotionally healthy.

"Old" aquaintence - New Friend

Through the power of the internet, I was able to sync up with a friend of mine from high school.

I actually remember having the biggest crush on her way back when, but really never had the nerve to reach out to her back in the day.

She sent me a message on one of the social networking sites that simply said - "Remember me?"

We've been e-mailing back and forth... getting to know each other again...

I think she's a sweetheart. She grew up in my home town - so she identifies with me at this weird level that you only can growing up where we did.

Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to actually date her. A smile crosses my face. I'm tempted to flirt... but draw back.

Admittedly, I'm a hopeless romantic, but she's 916.42 miles away.

There's a part of me that would love to sync up with her. A part of me that knows that it's possible to fall for her...

There's a part of me that believes it would end in another heartache for me.

But what ever happens... I really enjoy getting an e-mail from her every day... from 916.42 miles away.

Thanks T-Mobile

One of the reasons I went with T-mobile was the ability to use their hotspots - free internet service in almost any city. I am tring to get my taxes out - and I am enjoying respite with true high speed connectivity.

Dealing with aging...

My Dad has always been this larger than life person to me. Although he only stands 5'2" tall - he has always been this guy that could do anything.

I remember him at 66 years old going to the golf course and out playing hotshot golfers in their 20's and 30's.

I remember him being able to run faster, jump higher, fix anything, solve any problem.

Until January of this year.

January of this year his lung/throat cancer treatments got the best of him. He's in remission now, but it was at a great price.

For the last 4 months he has been in hospitals and a rehab facility recovering.

He has gets tired while sitting up, he doesn't walk very far, he spends a lot of time in bed - and although he's at home, there are instances when he believes he's still in the hospital.

For the next 3 weeks - I'm going to be with my parents helping with his transition home.

I can say, dealing with my issues was easy... this is going to be the hardest thing that I've done in the last year... maybe my entire life.

The Sparkles Effect

I was talking with "Sparkles" yesterday about dating. I named her dating technique - The Sparkles Effect.

The average length of time that a relationship lasts for her is around 14 days.

Somewhere between day 1 and day 14 things go south.

Here's my opinion on what's happening:

She has what is potentially a great piece of steak. She's tossing it in a microwave oven for 14 minutes and expecting it to taste the same as if she placed it on the grill and cooked it to perfection after letting it marinate and be seasoned properly.

Microwave Burn.

It's a hazard in too many relationships today.

I have found that it really takes 2 years for someone to come to the conclusion that they love me. I mean, not a superficial love at first sight thing. That rarely happens with me. But 2 years... yeah. They'll know who I am. Consistent, Loving, Quirky.

Does anyone out there want to go through the grilling process anymore? Because this steak refuses to be microwaved.

Curveballs from the Universe

Jimi Hendrix sings this song that's been on my mind. Well, not so much the song, but a single lyric:

Now if a 6... turned out to be a 9...

I had one of those experiences over the last few weeks and it radically changed my view of the world.

Over the past week I was talking with friends of mine - a really out going pastor, a really attractive blonde woman, the in crowd at a local pub...

I found out some really interesting things.

Everyone is insecure and worries if people will like them.

Huh... wha? You? But people flock to you... - that was my first reaction, but I sat there and listened and found this common theme among all of them.

That's why some drink - it's a social lubricant to help their anxiety.

That's why some make people laugh.

That's why some people are good listeners.

That's why some people are willing to help.

That's why some people organize activities.

That's why this list could go on and on.

They like to keep things on the surface level - and that's the unwritten social contract.

People like me are the exception to the rule.

When I talk to people like me who want deep relationships we all say the same thing. It's frustrating because people like to keep things at the surface level and we have problems with people who can't jump headlong into the cracks and fissures that make us who we are.

Interesting. To me, at least.

So... I'm learning to be more surface level - and at the same time sharing with others how to go deeper.

This is one curveball I'm learning how to hit.

Remembering 2 years of blogging...

Sorry for 2 posts in a single day... but... today is an anniversary of sorts.

My first public blog where I started my journey of self discovery in my Yahoo!360 was May 7, 2006. In all honesty, I had a friends only blog that started in April of 2006.

Okay... admittedly, my Blogspot blog has been around since August 30, 2005, but I can look back at those post and see that I was trying to paint a rosy picture. I knew then that my marriage was coming to an end.

My blogspot blog ends in October of 2005 then starts up again in March of 2006 with me pretending that all is well in the world.

I spent about an hour this morning going over the chronicles of how my life view has changed.

It has been a long journey... I've come a long way.

I can look back and see months where I couldn't bring myself to write about what was going on, I see pain, I see triumphs. I look back and see where I've come from and I can see what lies ahead.

It's the journey that I've had that is going to help me appreciate what comes next.

Love... is freedom

The "Anarchy Heart"... when I first saw it it resonated with me. THIS is what I'm looking for!!!

The symbol itself was born in the punk folk community and what it says at it's core is that "love is freedom."

I consider myself to be a loving person. My friends will tell you that I reach out to people and that I genuinely care - but that in itself can be a burden with no freedom at all unless it's returned.

I don't need the love to be returned in order to complete me, for happiness or even for freedom because at my core, I feel I am complete, happy and free.

In all honesty, being in a relationship chips away at those 3 feelings.

There are times when you don't feel complete when you don't connect with the person that you're with. There are times when you won't feel happy with yourself or the other person. There are times when you will feel like your freedom is constricted when you make sacrifices for the other person.

Ideally, what you get is the freedom to be loved in your flakiness. The freedom to know that even when you blow it, this person is ultimately there for you. You have the freedom to continue to discover who you are as you grow and not have to worry about trying to be the person that they want you to be or even think you are.

It's a powerful thing to be able to experience.

It is a humbling thing to give that kind of love.

Who am I looking for?

When I was younger I used to have all these superficial things that I was looking for in a woman to date... a certain height, hair color, eye color...

The older I get, the less that matters to me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still partial to wide eyes and an infectious smile, but it's going to take a lot more than that for me to be interested...

Honestly, I am looking for someone that knows who she is. Someone with a love for life. A person that can communicate well and if comfortable enough with who she is to let me be me.

I am interested in someone that's as interested in getting to know me as I am in getting to know them.

Finally? A person that is willing to continue to grow and experience life.

I guess the next question is... why am I looking?

Emotionally healthy... but relationally?

You know... I was looking at a video that was taken of me and an ex-girlfriend. In this video, she says - "I want to love you, honor you, cherish you... forever, and protect your heart."

My response to her was - "I want to believe what you're saying, but I don't think you believe what you're saying."

30 days later she was engaged to a friend of mine.

This is the type of thing that happens to me on a regular basis.

I'll get a telephone call to meet a friend for lunch and she'll say - "I want to thank you... you really taught me how to love, genuinely... from the heart," followed by - "I'm engaged now to the most wonderful man!"

Honestly, a very beautiful young lady earlier this year said - "I love you and really care for you" days before she moved to the other side of the country.

I can go back to my first love and tell story after story like this. It happens to me all the time.

People wonder why my heart is guarded when it comes to dating...

Trust me. There's a difference between having baggage and being guarded. Despite the craziness of my past, I think I'm ready for a normal and healthy relationship.

So... over the next couple of however long it takes, I'm going to talk about my perspective on relationships.

By now, you know what I'm going to say.... "I can't wait to hear my thoughts on the topic!"

Putting a nice bow on things...

It's weird... this picture looks like I photo shopped myself onto this background. I guess it's the weird effects of having natural back light.

One thing I can assure you is that the smile is genuine and not photo shopped.

I guess I've done a pretty good job of explaining who I am. I've also done some growing in the process. That makes me feel good.

Many of you know that I've been on sabbatical since January helping my Dad with some health issues and trying to provide some relief to my Mom. That comes to an end next week when Dad comes home! I'm really excited and looking forward to spending a couple days with Mom and Dad without having to worry about nurses and doctors coming in every 15 1/2 minutes.

Of course, this also means that I have to start the whole job hunting process again... The good news is that I have an interview coming up that I'm preparing for. It's kind of like a dream position for me that leverages what I've been doing in the IT industry for a while.

So... let's take a tally and see what's outstanding...

Mom/Dad taken care of? Check.

Made peace with my past? Check.

Comfortable with who I am? Check.

Friends firmly in place? Check.

Relationship with my sons? Check.

Relationship with my ex? Well... relationships are a two way street.

Gainfully employed again? Working on it.

What's missing?

Someone to share my life with... I've mentioned before that I think I'm ready to date.

So next? I think I'll talk about my thoughts on what I'm looking for in a relationship...

Any feedback on that topic would be appreciated. The one thing I know is that the dating world has changed since the last time I was in the market.

Filling in the holes

I think this "getting to know me" exercise has really done a good job in filling in some holes that have prevented me from being the man that I've always wanted to be.

One of the things that I frequently write about is the feeling that I don't quite fit in. I have been working really hard at trying to fill that hole. Well... this week I've made great strides at filling that hole.

I've reconnected with some friends from high school. Remembering the good times has begun to overshadow some of the other memories. It turns out... that I might not have been the loner that I thought I was... the way people keep coming out of the woodworks.

I had a conversation with this guy David - who was definitely one of the most popular guys in elementary school. He was talking about how he hated to wear glasses and he felt like a dork. But when I came in wearing mine and was cool about it, it made him feel a little bit better about wearing his.

It's really amazing how your life changes can skew your memories and impact where you are today.

But I'm thankful having gone through those years of doubting myself and thinking of me as being less than what I am. I can really now appreciate who I am a little better than before.

I also think I have a better understanding of relationships. There was a time where I would settle in my relationships and end up spending time with people that were really unhealthy for me, just because they said they were interested in me. Just for that brief moment of affirmation that I was special in someones eyes.

Truth is? I am special. I am a reasonably good looking guy that is emotionally healthy without past relationship baggage. Although I have an ex-wife and 3 sons... I can freely admit my love for my sons and that my ex-wife doesn't get under my skin. There aren't a lot of people that can say that.

So for the first time in a long time... I can say "My name is (insert name here), and I am okay with who I am."

I'm a control freak...

I am a control freak... but I realize that the only thing that I can control is me.

I'm very good at dialing in how I present myself from the way that I talk, the way that I carry myself to the way I dress.

This is both good and bad.

It's good because it allows me to make good choices and decisions and avoid making bad ones.

It's bad because it allows me to make good choices and decisions and avoid making bad ones.

It's why I don't drink. It's why I don't ever completely let myself be spontaneous. It's why I keep people at arms length until I'm comfortable enough to open up.

Because, in my mind... I am predictable. Loyal to a fault...

Since I can't control the actions of others I generally wait to see who they are... then, I open up.

But lately I've been playing with the dials... I think I found the one that will help me open up a bit earlier.

I can't wait to see what happens when I let my guard down. I think I'm getting better at it. I mean, before - I wouldn't have gone through this whole - "getting to know me" in the public forum of a blog.

I like me... but you don't like me?

I used to worry about whether or not people liked me... Okay, I still worry about it... but not as much as I used to.



What I'm beginning to understand is that there are a lot of people in the world that feel the same way.



Kirk Franklin - in the CD that he released over Christmas did a song on the topic. The chorus is an affirmation that says:

Cause I like me, do you like me

See I like me, cause he likes me

God likes me, yo you don't like me?

I like me, yo you like me

Cause I like me, do you like me

See I like me, cause he likes me

God likes me, yo you don't like me?

The fact that he put a song like that on his CD makes me wonder if someone that is world famous has the same type issues...

Probably.

There are some people that say "I like you, but I don't like your ways..." - I'm not one of those people. Honestly, I can't think of anyone that I don't like. There are people that I choose not to hang out with, but it's not because I like don't them, it's because the time that we spend together isn't healthy... and I'm all about staying in a good frame of mind... but it's not because I don't like you.

It's my goal to get to know you. I want to know you as an individual as much as I want to be known.

I want to be able to say "why I like you" - because I know why I like me.