You can be my wingman any time...

Okay... I was really feeling low last night. I admit it. Part of my issue has always been that I don't feel like I fit in.

I took last night to throw all of my normal thought out the window and just be.

Things started with Nate's going away party. 4 guys... 4 girls... the people that I call the "cool kids" from church. They are more like family than friends. It's a crew that I've always tried to become a part of for the greater part of 2 years. I think I'm finally able to say tat I've accomplished the goal. I was greeted with hugs, people were engaging me in conversation as I them... it was good. A high even.

On my way home, I went to a local bar where friends of mine were playing. I always get in without a cover. Mike's wife was there with a friend of theirs that I met before and her boyfriend in from Atlanta. I asked him to be my wingman for the evening... I HAD A GREAT TIME.

I'm not a drinker, so I didn't bother... but I did have the opportunity to just hang with people. I got to pick up really hot girls... hang with super guys... it was like I owned the place. At the end of the night, people were coming up to me!

Granted... this was one of those  special occasions where I was completely out of my own head. No thinking allowed. Just the impulse of forgetting all the worries of the world.

It was good.

I need a wingman.

Backwards...

Okay...

So, I'm sitting here in my living room wrapped in a cheap burgundy blanket that I stole from some airplane that I was recently on.

As  I was sitting here, I was thinking about the things that I could do to get me out of the funk that I'm in.

Every idea tat I came up with was a self improvement project. The overall flavor was - if I can just do this... accomplish that things will be better.

The problem that I'm facing is that I am lonely.

That is not a problem that I can solve internally.

I am going to have to have to move outside of who I am in order to resolve this. I am going to have to risk being open.

The question is... who am I?

Mother %&(#$#@$

I have a lot of unresolved anger. I'll admit it. I keep it bottled up inside. When something ticks me off I add another little bottle to my pantry.

The problem is that my pantry is so full of little freakin' bottles that there's no room for happiness, joy, love.

That... and I compensate with being overly polite and nice because I know deep down inside I am riddled with a lot of hatred and anger.

For this reason, I don't easily give love or friendship, or anything because I know what lives on the inside. There's the constant fear of being exposed.

So,  here ya freakin' go. I'm going to take a moment to get this off my chest. The things that TICK ME OFF!

This may take a while, because I want this to be a true catharsis.

I'll start from the top... Mom.

Mom, you stifled my growth. you thought you were being protective by not allowing me to go over peoples houses or go to a lot of after school activities - but this is where you learn how to be social.

I remember being a teenager asking you if I could go outside and you said I could go outside, but I had to stay on the front porch. We lived in a SAFE neighborhood where everyone truly knew everyone.

Even now, you use your fears of strangers and others to try to hinder my social life.

I am angry at you because you have always tried to give me your life. A life where you stay at home and talk with people on the phone and experience life vicariously through their eyes.

You've succeeded Mom... you have succeeded.

You tell me that I am so much like my Dad, but as I talk with people that knew him - they all say he was social and affable.

I have inherited your lack of social skills.

For that reason? I am alone. Unable to give love.

I recall being at family functions and seeing Mom sit in a different room as we all interact with each other. Uncomfortable with her own family.

I am my Mother's child.

And I hate this. 

It's 1am...

It's 1am. I am in San Antonio, in a hotel room alone.

This is not how I pictured my life.

Or is it? When I pictured my life growing up, I never dreamed about being surrounded by a close group of friends or even family.

My dreams always involved me... and the one woman that I loved - that loved me with an equal amout of ferocity and devotion.

Ironically? Those that have dated me have said that I do not love with the type of abandon that I crave.

So... at 1am, I sit in my hotel room... alone.

I am frustrated.

Two paths

So... yesterday in the middle of a school parking lot I was yelling at X at the top of my lungs. (For the uninitiated, X is what I call my ex wife.)

We have been divorced for 2 years and regardless of the number of times I ask to see progress reports, to be kept informed with what's going on with the boys, I never hear a thing... that is... until I get a call from the principal at the school because there's an issue.

I am the type of parent that likes to pro-actively partner with the child and the school in order to come up with solutions and give the child the tools they need to be successful. X likes to go in and make excuses because the child has no responsibility in her opinion. Delightful.

So... in the parking lot, when she asked me to help, and she said no to every solution that I had to offer - and I asked her what her ideas were and she said - "you can figure it out..." I completely lost it.

Why is it so hard for her to realize that as primary custodian - she's like the front-line manager. If she doesn't let me know what the problems are, she can't expect me, a key stakeholder, to come in and resolve the problem while it's still fixable.

So... We both have 2 paths.

She can continue with the path that she is on... or she can partner with me.
I can expect her to change... or I can assert myself more into the life of the boys.

The problem with that is unless she does her part. Unless she follows up... all my efforts are for nothing.

Frustrating.

Revelation #217

No matter how much you love something, if you try to force it to fit into a place where it doesn't belong you will ultimately destroy it because it will not be what you originally fell in love with.

That is the lesson that I learned this weekend.

I have been dating a person that is wholly remarkable for the last 3 months, but our lives are just... different.

She enjoys going out with her friends and getting a little buzz. I, on the other hand am not a drinker.

I NEED to express my faith in Christianity in order to be at peace and well balanced. She's still angry at God and it's difficult for me to have conversations of faith with her and most definitely cannot pray with her or have a Bible study with her.

There are other areas as well where we don't line up, but we genuinely like each other.

So, when I exhibit he disciplines in my life that make me who I am, she feels as though I judge her and expect her to live by the same rules. Even though that is not true, it's causing her to feel guilty and about some areas in her life and she struggles with changes - not based upon religious conviction, but based upon relationship with me.

This weekend, I had the opportunity to hang out with people of faith. I took the weekend to spend time with people that share my same struggle with morality, with living out Christian values... it was good.

I was just feeling unfulfilled. Unhappy. Empty. And I know that she was sad as well over many things as well. I hope that she takes the opportunity to find someone that appreciates and loves her for who she is because she truly is a totally remarkable person.

What's on my mind today?

I was at Walmart this morning picking up breakfast foods. I realized that people that work retail completely tune out - especially during the Christmas season. I like to go early because the store is empty. I tried to be cordial to the greeter and the cashier. At one point, I just started saying random things because any reply they made was definitely not based on the words that were not coming out of my mouth...

Not everyone has good coping skills. I use to wonder why so many people in my life have problems/issues. Last night, I realized that almost EVERYONE has problems. For some strange reason, people feel comfortable enough with me to actually share their problems in a way that they don't with other people.

I did a survey of a lot of people over the Thanksgiving holiday. I met some new people, talked with some people that I've known for a while. People say the same thing: 1) I feel like you have certain expectations of people in your life and that you like things just so. 2) It doesn't/didn't seem like you know how to have fun. 3) You seem indifferent about life. 4) You seem like you've done so much - why would you want me as a friend? 5) You tend to over think things. All I have to say about that is... whoa... I wonder why that is?

Well... that's enough for the day. Gotta shower.

Take care peoples!

You have to ask... don't you?

Sometimes... I look at myself in the mirror and ask myself "Are you crazy?"

I mean, someone once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.

As much as I try in some areas in my life I still follow the same patterns. Until I am brave enough to blog about it, I am doomed to make the same mistake over and over again.

For those that truly know me? I'm sure they could tell me what this is... without hesitation.

I may admit it one day... until then, this will serve as a place holder reminder.

(Cryptic, I know...)

Simplicity

People tend to think that I over think things. I think that is true, but the things that I think about are things that bear no consequence.

In all honesty, I am an intuitive person when it comes to things that matter... and I always make the same mistakes... over and over again.

All because it seems like it's the simple answer.

Maybe I need to get this tattooed on my forehead.

Try this...

Did it work?

It didn't for me either. But you still tried.

While I was driving into work today I had a little revelation. Who I am in the middle of turmoil and stress is different than who I am when things are all peaches and cream. When things are going well I tend to lose focus on who I am and what the important things are in life. I tend to complicate things by over thinking, 

I make mistakes.

When things are difficult, when there's trouble - I tend to focus on the problems at hand. My true character shows up. I am the person that I would like to be. Disciplined, focused, contented.

Maybe I missed my calling in life. Maybe instead of being a software engineer I should have been a fire jumper or a member of a SWAT team... something that requires me to throw all of my focus and energy on resolving a problem.

I dunno.

Funny... I'm 39 and I'm still figuring me out.

Why am I sad?

I cried the other day. The only reason that I had to offer for this was that it was because I was sad.

The question is - why am I sad?

I think it all comes to the fact that my life has become a big oxymoron. (Most peoples lives are filled with irony - I just had to be different...)

An oxymoron is a combination of contradictory or incongruous words (as cruel kindness) ; something (as a concept) that is made up of contradictory or incongruous elements.

I chose the picture of Mr Edward Cullen because he is the latest thing in pop culture that represents an oxymoron. He is, after all, a vegetarian vampire

What am I? I have drifted into something worse - a carnal Christian. A carnal Christian is one that has drifted away from his "first love" and has attempted to substitute the sufficiency of his relationship with Christ with things that are in this present world.

By saying this, I am not insinuating that as Christians we should not bother with things that are in this world - like work, life, love, recreation... the list goes on. What I am saying is that my overwhelming sadness is because I walk contrary to those things that I hold true in my heart.

As a result of certain compromises that I make, I become emotionally unavailable to those around me because I do not want to feel the over all remorse for taking such a great gift that has been given to me so lightly.

I know... this is all written so cryptically that even theologians would scratch their head and wonder what's going on in my head.

Let me explain... no, let me sum up... Making an attempt to live contrary to who you are can have severe impact on your life and the lives of those around you. You will never be happy because in the long run, you will always try to fill a void that was created by you not being true to who you are at your core.

That is how I have been living my life - ignoring the fact that in my core - I love God and want to please him. And the life that I have chosen to live as of late has been pushing me in a direction far from where he is. This is a thirst that I can no longer deny.

I was really proud of myself... until last night.

I had been going through my blog and was checking off the little check boxes of my life - the goals that I had set for myself that I considered successfully completed.

I was amazed at how I wrote about my social anxiety and how I am able to handle those situations now - as a matter of fact, tonight I organized an outing with 20-30 friends form various walks of my life.

I wrote about not having close friends to having local friends that I socialize with on a regular basis.

My life is balanced in all areas - I have a great job that I love, people that I love and care for and vice versa.

There is still one major area in my life that I still need to work on.

Emotional Honesty

I have a blog posting somewhere that I talk about this... I think I'm going to have to find it. Read it. Learn it.

I was on the phone last night and actually broke into tears. I'm sad. Not depressed, but sad. And I am afraid to unleash my emotions because I don't want to know why I'm sad. I'm afraid of what it would feel like to feel. It's just so much easier to just shove them all in a box and not have to deal with them. To be stoic, even, balanced. Unhealthy, but consistent. And I need consistent.

Maybe I'll explore my emotions when I find that safe place to let them flow.

The "L" Word

I love this picture, it's filled with irony.

As one that understands sign language, all of the signs are shown wrong; however, the message comes across clearly.

This begs the question... is there a right way or wrong way to say "I love you"?

The answer to that question is a resounding yes. There was a book written on "love languages" that basically says hat there are 5 basic ways people demonstrate love:

• words of affirmation
  
• quality time
  
• receiving gifts
• acts of service
• physical touch

I am a "quality time" and "physical touch" type person. These come easy for me. I give them freely.

The most difficult for me to give is words of affirmation.

The problem is, people that you date want to hear that you love them or that you think they are the cat's pajamas.

It's possible to love someone and miss them and think about them constantly, but how to you convey that to someone that in a way that they understand it.

This is complicated.

Seems as far as I've come, I still have a long way to go.

I think I'm going to have to explore this one further.

What happened???

Anyone that knows me knows that I live my life with a series of self imposed controls and constraints that no normal person would voluntarily impose upon themselves.

What strikes me as odd is that these controls have shifted from being in place to help me grow and achieve new things to being somewhat of a cage that hinders me instead of propels me forward to achieve new and great things.

Don't get me wrong, I am really happy with who I am. I know what I like... I know what I dislike. I know what I'm comfortable with... but in the grand scheme of things, I am living inside my comfort zone and still applying and adding constraints.

It's like I've lost focus and have just started to live a passive unexamined life that has been running wild like a ship without a rudder. I have started living my life by what makes other people happy and forgetting that I have a stake in the whole thing.

I need to have a plan. I need to determine: 1 month, 3 month, 6 month goals.

It's been a while...

A lot of things have been going on in my world that I haven't taken the time to blog about.



After my Dad died, I took the opportunity to turn my life completely upside down on almost every front. My house is on the market. I am working in the same city that my Mother lives in. I basically leave my house and spend 5 days living with her then back to my own house on the weekends.



For those of you that go WAY back with my blog, you know how that makes me feel. Disconnected.



I am doing a really good job of keeping in touch with the people that are in my world. I'm even planning social outings... hope to post pix after that happens on Friday. Hopefully.



OH... here's the biggest news. I actually started dating. Yeah... I know. And she's fairly normal. Operative word being fairly. But... aren't we all just fairly normal? I know I have my issues.



At the moment, we are in flux. Partially because I initiated a break-up this weekend. Okay. This is probably one of the most healthy relationships that I've been in, and we care for each other deeply. It's just that we tend to have some disconnects. The oddest thing is that we both felt some of these disconnects, took different paths to try to fix things, and didn't say anything to the other person - although we hinted. (Okay, so maybe that's not fully healthy, but normal?)



The truth is, I need to get back to blogging.



Blogging is where I find my center and what's true for me.



So... it's been a while, but I'm back. I need to find my center.

I need to start blogging again...

Wow... a lot has gone on since the last time that I blogged. I've done so many things right and made so many mistakes that it's truly scary.

Let me start by catching you up on what has happened since the last time that I blogged.

For starters, I DID go to Indianapolis to meet Abby. The one thing that I promised myself was that I would give her a fair chance, which honestly is something that I've never done with anyone else before.

Wait... Did I say that I had never given anyone else a fair chance before?

Well, that's partially true. Maybe I'll write more about that later...

I decided to start blogging again because I made a blunder. Yes, I made a blunder... Me... of all people...

I'm the one that's making mistakes.

The latest mistake? Well... more on that later too...

It's just good to be back and have an outlet.

There's nothing to fear....

They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

This... is how I was feeling about this upcoming weekend earlier this week.

Every woman is looking for a prince. A good part of me wants to be a prince. But I know who I am... warts and all.

The question is... will I be acceptable to her? I've been honest about who I am - she's seen who I am as honestly as I've ever shown it... and she likes me.

So, what's there to fear?

So, I have decided that I am a great guy... and if I'm a frog... then I'm a frog.

Best case scenario, we decide to advance things. Worse case scenario.. we're friends. So there is nothing to fear.

Who holds the keys to my heart?

Who holds the keys to my heart?

I DO!

And I have also realized that I have a death grip on these keys.

I mean... I have met people that love me unconditionally.

I have met people that sync up with my dating philosophical approach to relationships.

I am "negotiating" with someone that matches my personality - she really matches my super secret check list that I keep close to my heart that I never discuss with anyone.

I have a death grip on the keys.

As my meeting with Abby gets closer, she's losing my attention.

Well, not losing my attention - because I find her most interesting, but my defense mechanisms are are going to DefCon 1.

At DefCon 1... I begin the process of pushing away... building walls... preparing for things to be at arms length.

The good thing is that I recognize this... and I'm struggling against it - because I really like her.

I'm probably going to blog about this a lot this week... I have to work through this.

Please be a real girl...

To catch you all up... here's what's been going on in my world...

After my 7 month sabbatical I am working again. I am working for an exceptional company - one of the largest consulting firms. I work with a lot of great people and I'm looking forward to to growing in the firm.

After the mis-steps with T-Day and Jenny, I think I have learned from my mistakes and I've changed my approach.

With Tammy, it honestly wasn't so much about Tammy. It was more about the fact that we clicked philosophically. It didn't take into account chemistry or her s a person - it was more about does she fit into my blueprint.

With Jenny, I honestly was overwhelmed with her beauty and never really felt like I was worthy of her attention and as a result never really was able to comfortably be me. I made a lot of mistakes and she called me on them and I took the lessons and learned from them.

I think both of those represented an extreme in one direction or the other.

Lately, I have been spending time with Abby.

Abby is... interesting to me. We really just talk about our life. What's going on in our world. We're learning each other naturally and comfortably instead of trying to force it because we are trying to get into a relationship.

In the past, I have been told that my standards and expectations are WAY too high and that I'll never find anyone that will live up to them. Oddly, people have said the same thing to Abby.

Anyway, we are going to meet for the first time next weekend.

All I can say is that I hope she turns out to be a real girl...

It... is... finished.

My little experiment on the dating sight has ended.

I learned a few things...

People are shallow. Although they say they are interested in the qualities of the person, they really are more interested in the package.

The people who are really honest about the "package" they are interested in are willing to talk with anyone as long as they are respectful, where as those who don't list preferences like skin color, height, physical fitness - tend to pretend that they are interested... but really aren't.

I have learned that not everyone really knows who they are and that although no one wants to settle, many people are willing to if they find you attractive.

Finally? Too many people are sure that they will be happy if they find the right person. Boy are they in for a rude awakening.

So... lessons learned:

None... but I guess I needed the reminder.

Oh no.... it's a moral conundrum

I am conducting a social experiment of sorts.

For all intents and purposes, I am very euro centric for a black guy. I was born in Europe and started my formal education in Europe as well.

I prefer to date interracially; however, the type of woman that I am interested in is rarely interested in me.

Or rather... would they be interested in me if I were a different race?

In a highly unethical move I joined a dating site and created to identical profiles. The exception is that one participant is white, the other is black.

I approach the same people the same way on separate days. I initiate the same conversation the same way, make the same jokes (it amazes me that people don't realize this). The differences are amazing. The "white" me gets phone numbers within the first 10 minutes.

I understand that people are looking for aesthetics, what they're attracted to. I'm honestly no different - but I can also recognize a good person and I'm willing to spend time with and go out with someone that I like as a person.

What I find slightly hypocritical is when people say they are interested in a genuine qualities. they don't just want the qualities.. they want a package.

If that's what you want... say it... but don't lie.

Okay... I'm off my soapbox...

For tonight.

Women... pay close attention...

Over the past few weeks I have talked with women friends of mine that complain about men... they complain that in relationships/courtship the role of men and women have changed. The say all the men that they meet have their manties in a bunch.

NEWSFLASH - Women, this role reversal is completely your fault!

You say that you want a guy to take control and drive the relationship, but the truth is you punish and reward in order to keep your control over the interaction. If you choose to reply... if you choose not to reply... if you delay your reply... all of these things will put men on pins and needles trying to understand you.

You want to be chased, but offer no reward. Your interaction tends to be arbitrary at best.

Please understand, I am not angry or upset... I am simply telling you what I have witnessed in my own life and in the life of my women friends. So, I'm wrestling control back. I am doing my part.

As a man, I am declaring now - I am done chasing. I am the one that should be pursued. Not the one that should be in pursuit.

I know I am a great guy, I don't have to prove it to you. You can be doomed to a solitary life where you consistently chase the same thing over and over again. I... deserve better.

I am a mannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn....

I am a man... and not a piece of meat.

One of the things that amazes me about the way people treat dating today is that everyone looks at everyone like they are a piece of meat.

I tend to stay away from dating sites because you have this tiny little picture and a blurb about who you are as a person and someone who cannot grammatically put a sentence together passes judgement on you as to whether or not you are worthy to be in there life.

Great.

Don't get me wrong. I am as much into aesthetics as the next person, but I am equally as likely to approach someone that carries themselves well as I am to the traditional barbie doll that everyone is looking for - but there honestly has to be something that exists under the surface.

So, although I frequently feel like The Hunchback of Notre Dame looking at the beautiful Esmerelda screaming - "I am a man!!!!" I am still willing to stick by my original plan... I look in the mirror daily and speak the affirmation to myself.

Speaking of affirmations, I have a friend that has a letter to herself on the mirror in her bathroom and affirmations to remind her not to settle.

Maybe I need to take a page from her playbook...

Restlessness

It's 3:30 in the morning and I am wide awake.

I'm restless...

Something is stirring and I don't quite know what it is.

Some interesting things have been going on in the last few days.

I took a detour a couple moths ago. I wasn't ready to date, but kind of found myself in a dating situation that ended terribly. That whole thing threw me for a loop.

It also took me a moment to recover.

I know I don't usually mention people in my blogs, but this one is worth mentioning.

Jenny really helped me see some things about myself. She helped me see that I had fallen into the same trap that all the other wanna-be-daters out there.

I left my game plan.

Well, I'm back on course now... but still a little restless... and don't know why.

Stopping the madness

A lot of times I feel like I'm in a car chase ar break neck speeds chasing people with reckless abandon.

Am I so lonely in my life that I a

m willing to spend time talking with anyone that will listen?

I honestly think that I'm worth much more than that and it's time for me to do another purge...

Usually, when I purge people, I just kind of let them phase out, they are sou wrapped up in their world that don't realize that it's been a year since we've talked... This time, I'm thinking about being more proactive... calling them... actually physically burning the bridge.

But in all honesty, I think they would say "I'm sorry... I didn't know that you felt that way..."

Which in all honesty shows me how important I am in their world.

Ok... so here's the plan. I am going to burn the bridges. I'm going to be strong. I am not going to answer their phone calls... it's going to be deliberate.

I will treat them with the same cavalier attitude with which I am treated.

I almost feel better.

I deserve a better class of friend.

Purpose

Purpose is a very dangerous word.

Purpose will drive a person to accomplish things that under ordinary circumstances they may never be able to do.

But what happens when you lose your purpose.

Lately, I have been without purpose, and I've blamed it on resources, or the lack there of... but purpose should extend beyond any excuse... purpose should find its way.

I am writing this today not for anyone out there, but for me.

Despite everything that's gone on in my life - having friends, not having friends, being in the world and retreating from it, there has only been one time when I have been content, and that is in purpose.

But somehow, I find myself shying away from what my intended purpose.

Perhaps it's time to stop hiding and be.

Never...

All across the web I keep seeing this statement pop up:

Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option

Okay, I'm not sure if that's a statement or a declaration or a battle cry, but I've been thinking about that for the last couple of weeks.

Sometimes I think I wear myself too thin because I try to treat everyone in my life like they are a priority.

The question is... how do you make sure that you're not just an option to them?

Well, in my opinion, there are a couple ways. None of them are good.

1) Keep a notebook...

Yep... track why they call you. Do they want something? Do they want to talk about their day or do they call just to check in on you? Is there a balance?

2) Try to get a word in edgewise...

In the middle of the conversation, tell them something about you. Do they gloss over it or do they actually care to see what's going on for a minute?

3) Go missing...

If you talk with them on a regular basis stop. Do they realize that you're no longer in their life?

Anyway... gotta run... that's enough blogging for the day.

Learning from laundry...

Today I paired/matched/mated socks. It's a task that I've put off for a long time...

So... I emptied my sock drawer on my king sized bed and began the process. (Note - these are not my socks in the picture...)

Next I separated white from dark.

Then the pairing of the socks began.

Here is a brief summary of what I learned.

1) You need to get rid of some socks...

Either the elastic is too loose causing there to not be a good fit, or there's a hole - or they just don't fit in your lifestyle anymore (like the knee high socks with the 3 stripes from the 1970's)

2) Some socks have no pairs

Basically.. although you like the sock... sometimes it just doesn't meet a need for you. Do you keep it around for sentimental reasons hoping that its mate will miraculously appear and the sock will have purpose in your life?

That's a personal question... and like some socks... some people fit into this category.

3) You're really happy when you find a match

Yep... more rantings later...!

Over analyzing

Taking a break from blogging and talking about music has given me the opportunity to figure out some things...

1) I tend to over analyze things.

Sometimes I should just let things be. Not everyone has to like me... Not everyone has to get me.

Those that do... have a friend for life. Those that don't... I'm sorry.

2) I'm allowed to make mistakes

Sometimes, I beat myself up because I've made a mistake. Sometimes people are hurt by the mistakes that I've made. All I can really do is apologize... learn... and not repeat the same mistakes again.

3) Life should be enjoyed

I look at the amount of time over the last month that I spent secluded in my house... granted, I haven't had the money to do anything... but aren't the best things in life free?

4) I'm not over analyzing now

I'm just kind of free writing, like I do all the time... what comes out comes out... I'm not really going to agonize over this when I'm done.

Ben Harper

Ben Harper has been making music for a long time and he has a loyal fan base, even though he doesn't get a LOT of radio play.

One of the things that I like about him is his distinctive voice. In today's pop culture world, the voices are too pristine. They have been processed so that the voices are smooth as glass.

Ben has a distinctively raspy voice with some gravel in it. At some points it's like a controlled scream.

You can tell that there's a lot of passion in the words that he's seeing. Conviction.

That's what I'm a fan of... believing in your music.

So... today, I humbly offer you Ben Harper and The Innocent Criminals - Temporary Remedy

Zachary Breaux - Golden heart... Golden Hands

This morning I would like to remember the smooth stylings of Zachary Breaux.

Zachary was a talented guitarist and one of the pioneers of acid jazz mixing hip hop rhythms with smooth intelligent jazz guitar lines.

Zachary, husband and father died a premature death in his mid 30's while trying to save a stranger from drowning in a riptide while in Miami Beach.

You can't really find his music anywhere - or even on Youtube - where you find anything is in the hands of true fans that keep his music alive through music sharing.

This isn't one of my favorite songs... nor in my collection of Breaux music... but really I could find online to share.

To every pre-teen/teenager who wants to play...

There are 2 video games that are sweeping across our country. The first is "Guitar Hero" and the other is "Rock Band"

If you're not familiar with the phenomenon, allow me to coach you.

You have 1 controller that is used for the bass guitar, 1 for the lead/electric guitar, 1 for the drums and a microphone for the lead singer.

A series of colored dots come across the screen that tell you when to hit a pad or press a button. If you do it in perfect rhythm then the song sounds just like your favorite artist.

This has become a cultural phenomenon. Where people young and old get together to live out their fantasy of becoming a rock star...

But of course... when I was growing up... we actually learned how to play the music. So today? I salute the young kid that still wants to learn how to play real music! So... in tribute, I offer this video of my youngest son playing an electronic drum set to a song by Alice in Chains called Sludge Factory.

When they came over this weekend, I popped in the DVD... showed him the song. He said... "I can play that" then went into my studio and executed flawlessly.

So... here's to every pre-teen or teenager who really wants to play!

Tommy Emmanuel

The artist for today is the little known, yet world famous thunder from down under: Tommy Emmanuel.

I remember the first time I saw him in concert. As a guitar player myself my jaw was literally on the floor the entire night.

He dazzled me with incredible playing, great singing and a stage presence that is usually reserved for the biggest rock stars on the planet.

Honestly, he performed 2 shows when he was here and every guitar player in the city that I knew was there to see him.

He's charismatic, innovative and a genuinely nice guy.

So... for your listening pleasure... I offer you The Hunt, by Tommy Emmanuel.

Doyle Bramhall II

My life has been depressing lately - so much so that I hate reading about it. So, I'm going to take a page from Donna's handbook and write about things that make me happy: obscure musicians that the world should know, but doesn't.

The artist of the day is Doyle Bramhall II. Although Doyle has had a major recording contract before, he keeps getting dropped because they don't quite know where he fits in with this thing we call "Pop Music".

Eric Clapton considers this left handed guitar player to be the "real thing" and I think he's an unsung hero among true musicians. His playing inspires me.

Check out this performance:

Feelings...

I'm toying with a theory.

Some people feel too much, while others don't feel enough. The rest of the planet has the balance just about right.

People who are at either extreme tend to be rather self destructive in their behavior... that is, unless they can manage it in some form of artistic endeavor.

For the people who feel too much - they frequently try to numb the voices - they drink too much, they will use narcotics - virtually anything in order to get a moment of peace.

For the people who feel too little - they spend their time trying to feel something - whether it's chasing sex, chasing a high, chasing a dream, cutting... whatever.

A lot of these people end their life tragically.

Where do I fit in?

I both feel too much AND too little.

I know... that's an oxymoron, isn't it?

I have all these really strong emotional feelings of overwhelming sadness, despair, frustration, the cusp of anger... but it is balanced with an equal amount of numbness and just not caring.

There are times when I wished that this balance didn't exist. At least I would be able to use it in some sort of artistic outlet... but instead? I'm kind of stifled in this really weird limbo.

A friend of mine from high school said - "... you have always been a square peg, why is this bothering you now?"

Maybe that's the question that I need to ask myself...

How do I feel?

Today, I feel like a square peg in a round hole.

I was born in Europe, and started my formal education in Italy. I went to the finest schools in Central New York. I went to a military academy, graduated at the top of my class.

And I live in Birmingham, AL.

I just don't fit in here.

I stay here because my kids are here... because my Mom is here...

If it weren't for my commitment to family, I would be long gone.

Yeah... that's how I feel tonight.

More than just a little strange

I was looking at a blog today... since I can't read the language, I can only assume that it's a Chinese blog. I was amazed - they had multiple pictures of a male child - I can tell because his genitals were hanging out of his clothes. It struck me as odd that there would be multiple pictures where there were genitals hanging out of his clothes.

No... really...

Oh well, cultural differences make the world go around.

Wrestling for control

Okay... I have this epic battle going on in my head.

Let me catch you up a little with what's been going on for those of you that came in a little late...

In the post divorce world, I was happy. I wasn't looking for anyone to date. I had good friends that I would go out with and I had control over my own life.

Then... it happened. On a site that I put a profile on about a year ago 2 people send me an interest. I admit it... it was flattering.

So, against my better judgement, I said hello to both of them.

They were 2 incredible people in their own right, but very different.

1 appealed to my sense of logic. I called her my pole vaulter because regardless of the impossible standard that I set she was right there... step by step helping me with this cerebral approach to what it takes to build a relationship.

The other was a just plain beautiful. I never had her jump through any hoops. I just wanted to be in her presence because regardless of what was going on in her world she faced it with a can do attitude.

Both of these people appealed to me for different reasons - and neither one of them is talking with me at the moment.

The first, because we met and I REALLY had second thoughts. Although meeting her was great there was no chemistry there for me. Although I have argued in the past that chemistry isn't important, I think there are some things that are... it's not that I wasn't physically attracted to her as much as she carried herself much like my grandmother. I'm not saying that to be mean... it's just my opinion. Doesn't make it right or wrong. I couldn't get past that. And I feel bad for it.

The other, I admit I made mistakes. I never really viewed her as anything other than an object of beauty. I would listen to her go on and on about her life. It didn't bother me that she wouldn't let me get a word in edgewise. I never even tried with her other than just wanting to be in her presence. I always thought that she was far too good for me - based on looks alone and she always thought I was better than her based on economic standing.

In all honesty, I wasn't really ready for either - but I did learn some things by taking this detour.

The problem that I'm facing now is that I miss them. I'm in this tailspin of loneliness that I should have never allowed myself to get in if I would have just stayed the course and followed the original plan of friends first.

I feel better getting this out there again.

I have more things to work through... so... gimme a few. It's going to get interesting here.

 

Why the sprint?

Everyone that knows me... really knows me knows that more than anything I want to date.

The problem that I have is that everyone wants to sprint to the "I love you" and it doesn't give me time to really get comfortable - really get to know who they are.

It's draining. I honestly do emotionally invest in trying to get to know them, but how long does it take for you to say "I love you?"

Once you say those words - that always is held over your head to some degree... "How can you leave? You said you loved me..."

It's weird.

Lately, I have never felt more out of control than anything.

Okay... so, I have feelings for you. But, when I feel like I'm being backed into a corner and have no way out you get upset with me when I strike out and try to create a little space? A little breathing room? Okay, maybe I do it the wrong way - say a thing or two that I'll regret later... but give me a chance to progress at my own pace.

I recently took down 1 of my blogs because that one was virtually being attacked. For 3 years I had written about my life, my divorce, my struggles - had received countless e-mails from people that said I had encouraged them and now? It's gone.

I don't know...

Maybe I'm weak in not being able to stick with my own plans... to be friends first... maybe I get a little caught up in the moment that someone is actually interested in me and lose focus.

All I know is that I have made a lot of mistakes during the last 30 days. Ones that I have learned from... Ones that I will try very hard to never make again.

Path of least resistance

Okay... I lost a friend last week.

But in losing a friend I learned some things in the process. I thank them for the part that they played, but I don't think they will find solace in the part that they played.

I try very hard to be a man of integrity, but sometimes when I don't pay attention I take the path of least resistance.

Taking the path of least resistance is a lot like being on a river and letting the current take you.

The problem with living life this way is that you will eventually get to rapids. Yeah. That happened to me a few times last week in different ways.

Some of these people read my blog, some don't... I think this is more as a reminder for me.

When navigating the river of life, watch out for the rapids... someone may get hurt.

That's about right...

This picture really captures how I feel. As I look at myself in the mirror, the image that I see is slightly blurry.

Let's see... what's happened in the last calendar year?

Marriage... over.

Church - left the old church to X and the boys

My sons - move out of the house and in with their mother.

My job - gone

Dad - deceased

New Pastor - leaving my current church to start another.

Lost a potentially great girl.

That's a lot of loss to deal with... okay.. the finalization of the divorce was actually a positive... but you know what I mean...

Where am I in the middle of all of this? What am I doing? What are my plans?

It's pretty bad when your plans include matching socks as the highlight of your day... a task that I haven't done yet because when it's done there's not going to be anything else to look forward to.

Anyway...

Don't worry... I'll figure it out. I will be ok.

Wrestling myself

Lately, I have been wrestling myself.

As many of you know, my blog has been one of the ways that I have always worked through my emotions and my feelings.

If you look back, there are gaps and holes where there have been times of silence. These have been times where I haven't had the opportunity to talk about what's been going on.

This morning, I was wrestling with closing down this blog and starting another anonymous blog or keep this one open. If I keep this one open, what would I discuss here?

For a while, I'm going to try to keep this one going with thoughts about life and observations that I'm interested in sharing, but I am starting an anonymous blog that is going to keep my primary attention.

Thank you all for your support, e-mails and comments over the last few years.

Maybe I need to blog...

I've always said that blogging is a way for me to figure out what's going on in my own head... a kind of free writing that allows the things that I really don't want to admit to come out.

For the last few days I've been hidden in my house like I'm some kind of fugitive hiding from the law.

I have wanted to talk with people, but haven't wanted to talk with people.

I've wanted to be surrounded by my friends but not really wanting to see anyone at all.

In all of this, I had a friend ask me - "But, do you miss me?"

It took me 3 weeks to realize that I miss my own Dad.

I'm not sure that I've grieved the loss yet. I've just kind of put it on the back burner and haven't thought about it at all. So the question is... how shall I mourn the loss of my Dad.

Knowing that we'll never share that sly look and smile - the inside joke that we shared so many times...

If you could tell me how to properly do that.. I'll gladly move on... but until then? I think I'm going to match socks or something.

I miss Dad

Today was the first day that I almost allowed myself to cry.

First things first...

Okay... so, there's a lot going on and it seams like everything is a little overwhelming.

What do you do?

First, rely on your training...

Ummm does anyone have their manual for how to cope with life? I think I've misplaced mine somewhere along the way, Amazon is all out and I think the one on ebay if a forgery...

Okay... let me wing it...

1) Don't panic.

2) Look around at your controls (the things that you can directly control/influence).

3) Grab the stick and pull yourself up and out.

Okay... I'm finally up and out of bed. I'm doing the dishes that have been left over since Sunday. That's a step in the right direction.

Here's my to do list for the day...

1) Clean the house. (I have my sons this weekend, can't let this place be a total mess...)

2) Exercise

Start small...

What happened???

There was a point in time where I was an optimist... if you put me in any situation I was determined that I would shine.

I am pretty convinced that throughout the course of my life that I would succeed at anything that I've ever put my hand to and now... I feel like my midas touch is now turning everything that it touches to sh.. ummm... garbage.

So... how does one find that joie de vivre again?

I think one of the things that I'm missing at the moment is my support system. Being out of town for work followed by spending 6 months out of town helping with my family has my... isolated.

I am not even finding solace in the activities that are usually my go to activities...

There are some that would argue that it's because of recent things that have transpired.

I don't know, but I don't think so.

Right now? I think I'm going to go clean my house...

More on the yellow brick road...

I was thinking about life this morning as I was laying in bed trying not to think about anything at all.

Life has an interesting arc to it.

When I was young I had a really good fantasy life. I could be whoever I wanted to be.

During the next stage, I realized that it was true! And actually worked to be the person that I wanted to be.

Actualization... living out your dreams.

Being lost. That's the one that they don't tell you about.

But it happens.

It's amazing how quickly you can go from having purpose and a plan in your life to being completely... lost.

Allow me to pause for a moment.

Breathe.

That feels good...

I'm off to figure out who I am... again.

Follow the yellow brick road...

Honestly, a lot has been going on that would ordinarily have my heart in a tailspin, but instead of having my heart spin, I'm kind of just... blah.

I actually remember the last time that my heart felt something. It was with Sparkles (This is the same Sparkles that the Sparkles Effect was named after. I'm really proud of her, she's grown a lot over the last few months!). That's when I gave the famous speech - "I have 4 hearts and they have all been broken" - during that speech I also made the declaration that she was going to break my heart and that I would never feel again.

By virtue of the fact that I never really talk about Sparkles you can only assume how that turned out.

So... basically what I've done is taken a very cerebral approach to dating. Engage at a mental level and not a heart level. I show my heart, but is guarded. I can show it, I just don't know that I can give it.

So... what happens when you meet someone that you want to connect with but can't figure out how?

So... my heart is kind of like Dorothy in the beginning of the Wizard of Oz. My heart is housed in a safe place - but this place has been transported to parts unknown. I'm really honestly trying to find out where it's going to land so I can start the journey to the wizard to see if I can find this mythical place called home.

The question is... how do you engage people to go on the quest with you - especially when you don't know what the outcome is.

Maybe I'll just stay in Munchkin land... They like me there.

I don't get it...

Well... first of all, I apologize for not being around. I have had a TON of things going on in my world.

Priorities... go figure.

On a completely different note, in coming off my sabbatical I received a job offer on Friday.

If anyone is interested, although I have the offer I am still entertaining offers - so if anyone knows of anyone interested in a Senior Software Consultant that wouldn't mind being a road warrior, please drop me a line!

Thanks.

Okay, maybe too personal...

I have a good friend named Jimmy that NEVER EVER puts things that are of a personal dating nature in her blog.

Lesson learned.

There's a big difference between placing your own emotional feelings out there... it's a completely different thing when someone else's are involved.

With that being said...

I am going to try to get back to normal posting. I have a lot of things that I need to work through after the death of Dad.

I hope that you all have a nice weekend and that you live every moment to its fullest.

More.... later.

Putting things together...

I can truly say that I was slightly overwhelmed by the amount of negative responses to my post on running.

Wow!

I would also like to thank those that spoke positive affirmations.

For those that have been long time readers you're aware that I do this thing called - "Misdirection" - this is when there is a larger problem that I don't want to talk about that's bothering me, so I throw out something else.

Yesterday was a classic example.

I have been on sabbatical since January. One of the reasons that I decided to move to the state that I'm in was so I could be close to Mom and Dad in the event that something happened. Over the past 6 months I've had the opportunity to put that to the test.

I have spent more time at their house over the last 6 months than I have at mine.

In all honesty, I still haven't properly grieved the loss of Dad.

My sisters left Mom's house yesterday. I opted to go home almost immediately after the funeral because I didn't feel like sitting around talking about memories of Dad. I returned only after they left.

It's very financially taxing to take a year off and still have obligations to meet. Alimony/Child Support, mortgage payments other miscellaneous and not so miscellaneous bills.

In all honesty, my number one priority of necessity is not finding the perfect person to date, but in finding a job (as I look at the $49 that remains in my bank account.)

Perhaps, putting on my running shoes had more to deal with hitting the ground running to start my job hunt. Perhaps it was preparing for the upcoming challenges. Perhaps it was the realization that over the next 2 months as I job hunt/start working I am going to have to put a lot of things on the table in order to ramp up to what I do.

I am an Information Technology specialist. I design n-tier software systems with a strong concentration in middleware technologies. I am also competing in an industry where they are still sending a fair amount of work to India and China.

So... please tell me... what are the important puzzle pieces that I need to concentrate on? What is expedient? Where is my energy best spent?

At the moment, I have to have 2 full time jobs...

1) Job hunting

2) Skills enhancement

So, as I try to figure things out... please be a little patient with me as I try to handle first things first.

Look for updates soon!