Sunday, November 30, 2008

What's on my mind today?


I was at Walmart this morning picking up breakfast foods. I realized that people that work retail completely tune out - especially during the Christmas season. I like to go early because the store is empty. I tried to be cordial to the greeter and the cashier. At one point, I just started saying random things because any reply they made was definitely not based on the words that were not coming out of my mouth...

Not everyone has good coping skills. I use to wonder why so many people in my life have problems/issues. Last night, I realized that almost EVERYONE has problems. For some strange reason, people feel comfortable enough with me to actually share their problems in a way that they don't with other people.

I did a survey of a lot of people over the Thanksgiving holiday. I met some new people, talked with some people that I've known for a while. People say the same thing: 1) I feel like you have certain expectations of people in your life and that you like things just so. 2) It doesn't/didn't seem like you know how to have fun. 3) You seem indifferent about life. 4) You seem like you've done so much - why would you want me as a friend? 5) You tend to over think things. All I have to say about that is... whoa... I wonder why that is?

Well... that's enough for the day. Gotta shower.

Take care peoples!

Saturday, November 29, 2008

You have to ask... don't you?

Sometimes... I look at myself in the mirror and ask myself "Are you crazy?"

I mean, someone once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.

As much as I try in some areas in my life I still follow the same patterns. Until I am brave enough to blog about it, I am doomed to make the same mistake over and over again.

For those that truly know me? I'm sure they could tell me what this is... without hesitation.

I may admit it one day... until then, this will serve as a place holder reminder.

(Cryptic, I know...)

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Simplicity

People tend to think that I over think things. I think that is true, but the things that I think about are things that bear no consequence.

In all honesty, I am an intuitive person when it comes to things that matter... and I always make the same mistakes... over and over again.

All because it seems like it's the simple answer.

Maybe I need to get this tattooed on my forehead.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Try this...




Did it work?

It didn't for me either. But you still tried.

While I was driving into work today I had a little revelation. Who I am in the middle of turmoil and stress is different than who I am when things are all peaches and cream. When things are going well I tend to lose focus on who I am and what the important things are in life. I tend to complicate things by over thinking, 

I make mistakes.

When things are difficult, when there's trouble - I tend to focus on the problems at hand. My true character shows up. I am the person that I would like to be. Disciplined, focused, contented.

Maybe I missed my calling in life. Maybe instead of being a software engineer I should have been a fire jumper or a member of a SWAT team... something that requires me to throw all of my focus and energy on resolving a problem.

I dunno.

Funny... I'm 39 and I'm still figuring me out.


Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Why am I sad?

I cried the other day. The only reason that I had to offer for this was that it was because I was sad.

The question is - why am I sad?

I think it all comes to the fact that my life has become a big oxymoron. (Most peoples lives are filled with irony - I just had to be different...)

An oxymoron is a combination of contradictory or incongruous words (as cruel kindness) ; something (as a concept) that is made up of contradictory or incongruous elements.

I chose the picture of Mr Edward Cullen because he is the latest thing in pop culture that represents an oxymoron. He is, after all, a vegetarian vampire

What am I? I have drifted into something worse - a carnal Christian. A carnal Christian is one that has drifted away from his "first love" and has attempted to substitute the sufficiency of his relationship with Christ with things that are in this present world.

By saying this, I am not insinuating that as Christians we should not bother with things that are in this world - like work, life, love, recreation... the list goes on. What I am saying is that my overwhelming sadness is because I walk contrary to those things that I hold true in my heart.

As a result of certain compromises that I make, I become emotionally unavailable to those around me because I do not want to feel the over all remorse for taking such a great gift that has been given to me so lightly.

I know... this is all written so cryptically that even theologians would scratch their head and wonder what's going on in my head.

Let me explain... no, let me sum up... Making an attempt to live contrary to who you are can have severe impact on your life and the lives of those around you. You will never be happy because in the long run, you will always try to fill a void that was created by you not being true to who you are at your core.

That is how I have been living my life - ignoring the fact that in my core - I love God and want to please him. And the life that I have chosen to live as of late has been pushing me in a direction far from where he is. This is a thirst that I can no longer deny.

Friday, November 21, 2008

I was really proud of myself... until last night.

I had been going through my blog and was checking off the little check boxes of my life - the goals that I had set for myself that I considered successfully completed.

I was amazed at how I wrote about my social anxiety and how I am able to handle those situations now - as a matter of fact, tonight I organized an outing with 20-30 friends form various walks of my life.

I wrote about not having close friends to having local friends that I socialize with on a regular basis.

My life is balanced in all areas - I have a great job that I love, people that I love and care for and vice versa.

There is still one major area in my life that I still need to work on.

Emotional Honesty

I have a blog posting somewhere that I talk about this... I think I'm going to have to find it. Read it. Learn it.

I was on the phone last night and actually broke into tears. I'm sad. Not depressed, but sad. And I am afraid to unleash my emotions because I don't want to know why I'm sad. I'm afraid of what it would feel like to feel. It's just so much easier to just shove them all in a box and not have to deal with them. To be stoic, even, balanced. Unhealthy, but consistent. And I need consistent.

Maybe I'll explore my emotions when I find that safe place to let them flow.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

The "L" Word

I love this picture, it's filled with irony.

As one that understands sign language, all of the signs are shown wrong; however, the message comes across clearly.

This begs the question... is there a right way or wrong way to say "I love you"?

The answer to that question is a resounding yes. There was a book written on "love languages" that basically says hat there are 5 basic ways people demonstrate love:

  • words of affirmation
  • quality time
  • receiving gifts
  • acts of service
  • physical touch
I am a "quality time" and "physical touch" type person. These come easy for me. I give them freely.

The most difficult for me to give is words of affirmation.

The problem is, people that you date want to hear that you love them or that you think they are the cat's pajamas.

It's possible to love someone and miss them and think about them constantly, but how to you convey that to someone that in a way that they understand it.

This is complicated.

Seems as far as I've come, I still have a long way to go.

I think I'm going to have to explore this one further.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

What happened???

Anyone that knows me knows that I live my life with a series of self imposed controls and constraints that no normal person would voluntarily impose upon themselves.

What strikes me as odd is that these controls have shifted from being in place to help me grow and achieve new things to being somewhat of a cage that hinders me instead of propels me forward to achieve new and great things.

Don't get me wrong, I am really happy with who I am. I know what I like... I know what I dislike. I know what I'm comfortable with... but in the grand scheme of things, I am living inside my comfort zone and still applying and adding constraints.

It's like I've lost focus and have just started to live a passive unexamined life that has been running wild like a ship without a rudder. I have started living my life by what makes other people happy and forgetting that I have a stake in the whole thing.

I need to have a plan. I need to determine: 1 month, 3 month, 6 month goals.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

It's been a while...



A lot of things have been going on in my world that I haven't taken the time to blog about.



After my Dad died, I took the opportunity to turn my life completely upside down on almost every front. My house is on the market. I am working in the same city that my Mother lives in. I basically leave my house and spend 5 days living with her then back to my own house on the weekends.



For those of you that go WAY back with my blog, you know how that makes me feel. Disconnected.



I am doing a really good job of keeping in touch with the people that are in my world. I'm even planning social outings... hope to post pix after that happens on Friday. Hopefully.



OH... here's the biggest news. I actually started dating. Yeah... I know. And she's fairly normal. Operative word being fairly. But... aren't we all just fairly normal? I know I have my issues.



At the moment, we are in flux. Partially because I initiated a break-up this weekend. Okay. This is probably one of the most healthy relationships that I've been in, and we care for each other deeply. It's just that we tend to have some disconnects. The oddest thing is that we both felt some of these disconnects, took different paths to try to fix things, and didn't say anything to the other person - although we hinted. (Okay, so maybe that's not fully healthy, but normal?)



The truth is, I need to get back to blogging.



Blogging is where I find my center and what's true for me.



So... it's been a while, but I'm back. I need to find my center.