Completely off the rails...

I think I've said this before, but I'm pretty sure I have an addictive personality.

I won't buy 1 guitar... I'll buy 50 to get to the 19 that I have now.

I won't buy 1 piece of work out equipment, I'll buy a whole gym and put it in my basement.

The list goes on... I don't do moderation very well in my life.

That's one of the reasons that I don't drink and that I won't do drugs.

If I allowed myself that, I would have to take it to the limit. That is who I am. In my extended nuclear family we are either really successful or complete bums. It's just a fact.

My goal in life has been to stay away from people that would exercise peer pressure over me. Now, I'm dating someone that has that potential. That's a dangerous thing.

I don't want to change her... She doesn't want to change me... but one of us is going to have to change.

Ya think?

To top it off...

I had this friend... a friend that I had known for the last 11 months of this year.

She was a good friend to me... and we always had this underlying tension.

She wanted to date me. I really cared for her, but understood that there was this underlying volatility that she had in her life that caused me to run.

I always cared for her though. More than she could have imagined. It hurts that I could have never dated her regardless of how I cared.

When I started dating the current chica, she was hurt. Bad. I feel sad, and oddly enough, I miss her.

Her parting words to me were - "You are not a typical male, but what you did was pretty typical."

Things change...

Okay... I am not a drinker. I don't like the taste of alcohol. I struggle when the person that I'm dating drinks.

Let's walk through this...

It takes a moment for me to actually find someone that I'm into who meshes with my twisted personality.

When they drink, they become someone other than who I adore.

That causes problems for me.

I had the opportunity to witness the person that I'm currently seeing drunk this weekend.

I am still not sure how I feel aboutthis.

She also likes to club... I am so not a clubber.

I really like her. I have the potential of really getting hurt here. Hurt because this isn't one of those infatuation type romances. We've worked at it... really, really worked at it.

I'm afraid.

Afraid that it's not going to work... even more afraid that it's going to work.

The one thing I know is that I am not going to sabotage this... or at least try not to.

That drowning feeling...

I don't get it.

People are suppose to enjoy relationships.

I always feel like I'm drowning.

I am seeing a woman that is interested in me for me. She listens, is rational... slightly more emotionally detached at times than I'm comfortable with...

She gives me space when I want it, understands balance...

Tonight, I'm going to give her an excuse to run.

She wants a child.

My youngest are 14.

If I wanted to have children my timeline would be something like this:

• Date for 2 years
• Engaged for 1 year
• Solidify the marriage for 5 years
• THEN start trying to have kids

That's 8 years before trying and I will be in my late 40's by then and she will be nearing 40. I would not be able to give this child all the energy I gave mine. Scout leading, coaching, running around playing football. Right now I can still get out there and be competitive on the b'ball courts with my 17 year old and his friends and intend to be in better shape when my twins are that age.

I wonder if that's what the drowning feeling comes from?

Me? A typical man? ... probably...

I generally don't think of myself as being a typical man, but every once in a while I pull a typical guy move.

I feel really bad about it too... because I try so hard not to be typical, but if I can fall and do a typical guy move are we all as mankind hopeless to fall into this plight called "typical"?

Here's the back story.

I met this woman on a dating site in Feb of this year. Her screen name eluded to there being "no drama" but she was obviously pregnant in her picture. I personally couldn't see how there could be no drama.

We met, and she "kept me around" because I didn't get on her nerves.

She always had this volatility that kind of rested under the surface. I had the feeling that I settled her and that she needed that kind of settling in her life.

But... with all of that said, she was like my "road dog" - I would hang out over her house, she would hang out over my house.

For 9 months 3 out of 4 weekends a month I was at her house or she was at mine.

I am sure she was attached.

I was attached.

But I communicated to her that I would never date her.

I was like the Dad to her child that her "baby daddy" never was. I was her baby whisperer.

Then... out of the blue... I started dating someone else.

Caught her by surprise.

Caught me by surprise.

She wrote me an e-mail and said - "you're not a typical male, but what you did was pretty typical."

Yes... it probably was.

She will never know how much I care for her or why I couldn't date her...

I suck.

Okay...

So... apparently, I'm dating.

I met this woman a couple weeks ago. She's 30, and she kind of thinks like me, uses some of the same phrases that I use... it's almost like my house has been bugged.

Anyway, I'm probably going to be blogging here... to make sure that I keep my mind right.

I don't want another Abby incident.

More later...

You didn't think I would find out???

So... for anyone that's been reading my blog for a while you know that my one rule for dating is that EVERYONE gets judged by time and consistency.

I met this delightful young lady, professional, beautiful, nice to talk to... but I knew something was just a little askew.

She lives on Oklahoma, and I live ... well, in a different state - we thought we could get along well, but neither of us was interested in a long distance relationships.

She's also one of those people that just can't be out of a relationship and has only really been rejected once in her life.

She has been battling, or rather embracing, anorexia since she was in her 20's and... well... that doesn't make you a bad person.

So... in the spirit of our friendship, I sent her a text message yesterday telling her that I had a date tonight and that I was pretty excited about it. Her reply was:

"F*** off! So, what? We've decided to see other people now???"

I was like... HUH... where did that come from?

Seconds later she called me and apologized. She thought I was one of the other GUYS she was seeing.

Glad I found that out now rather than later... and I'm glad there's some distance too.

Blurred vision...

My rose colored glasses are broken and my vision is blurred.
I thought she called my name, but I misheard.
It was oh so clear, was I imagining things?
Will I ever find my queen in this land of kings...

Or something like that...

I wanted to wax poetical for a second and introduce a little whimsy because what I have to say is serious.

Serious

When it comes to matters of the hear, my vision is blurry and I'm pretty sure I'm half blind.


So, last week I was talking about this really beautiful woman that I went to visit. I talked about how great the visit was, how great a time we had... and I'm now convinced that I missed every single signal that she was sending saying - "ahem, I'm not interested... I'm just being polite here..."

But... in all honesty, that's not the part that frustrates me. The part that frustrates me is that I was more interested in her beauty and was willing to accept things about her that I would have never accepted from anyone else.

I am willing to compromise in matters of the heart?

I suppose... for a moment... but how long will that moment last?

The other thing that frustrates me...

is that I realize these things, then go back to the basics... again... which is where I am... now.

Basically alone.

And I'm okay with that...

Getting to know you.....

Okay... for those of you that are regular readers of my blog, you know I'm not one that hops from relationship to relationship.

I think, with the exception of my ex-wife, over the last the 3 years, this is the 3rd woman that has graced the pages of my blog.

So...

Here I am... trying to talk through this one...

1st, I'm pretty sure that she likes me... But I'm a little more into her than she is into me.

So, I am here, writing tring not to make a mess of this.

Here are our unique challenges:

1) She lives in Fl/I live in Alabama

2) She's works full time, is a Mom of 3, and a college student - translation? Not a lot of time

3) I can't run to FL every weekend because I have sons that I need to see...

4) She can't run up here due to her sons playing football on Saturdays

5) There are more, but isn't this enough?

So... how do I reach out to her and let her know that I'm interested without being too overbearing? I kind of want this to work...