An epiphany... of sorts...

So… the light bulb goes off today. Not in the sense that things were made darker, but in the sense that I had a moment of enlightenment.

I’m not sure that this is going to make a lot of sense to anyone but me… but here goes.

I am pretty sure that I’ve been inflicting my loneliness on other people. I’ve never really thought about that much until this morning. Sometimes there’s a part of me that really wants to be a part of community, even if it’s a community of 2 that I will allow my loneliness to become a little “over indulgent” and come across as interest to some unsuspecting soul that is really no better off than I am.

Now, I’m not saying this is always my modus operandi. It doesn’t hold true for people that I genuinely like… but people who are on the periphery? People that suck life from me? Maybe it’s my own pathos in a passive aggressive way to suck the life out of them the way they suck the life out of me.

I’m not sure.

Maybe it’s because I wasn’t hugged enough as a child and looking longingly into someone’s eyes and offering a deep embrace yields the illusion of love as I try to throw shovels of dirt into a chasm the size of the Grand Canyon so I can fill this hole that’s been growing in my heart.

What I do know is that I’m nearing 41 years old and pretending that this isn’t a fact of my life and just trying to wander around trying to find a path around it just isn’t working any more.

I’m not sure when I deviated from my path…

I suck