2 things I hate...

I write things here for a purpose. It allows me to capture the decisions that I've made over the course of my life and attempt to not make the same mistakes over and over again.

I went back and read everything that I've written about Chi Chi in the last 3 months and I have to ask myself - "why am I still with her?"

I have found myself in a... relationship. The man that has always believed that relationships are bad, and it's not about being IN a relationship. The man that believes that it's all about relating to the other person... that guy.. the one I see when I look in the mirror... has found himself...

in a bad relationship.

The sad thing is, I'm too complacent to do anything about it.

Mother of all that is frustrating!

I have to end this.

Soon.

History repeats itself...

I had a conversation with Chi Chi last night. I was talking with one of my friends this morning and they thought that what I said was a little harsh. I don't think so, but in the heat of a moment, I'm not always sure... so I'll record the high lights here and look at it again later on to see if my opinions have changed.

Basically I said:

• People are amazed that you've made it past the 3 month mark with me. When they ask me how you've done it and what makes you so "special" I say - "She knows how to sit in the corner, stay out of the way and be quiet."
• I don't want to be in a relationship with someone that doesn't value their own opinion
• I am giving you the freedom to speak your mind and offend me. I would rather have that happen than just have you sit there quietly

Tears were shed...

In her defense, she said the following things:

• I do like you, so I don't share my opinion because I don't want to upset you
• This isn't who I am, I know it's what I've been showing you, but this isn't me
• I suffer from depression

Okay, points for honesty, but that doesn't draw you close to my heart... ya know?

So... why say history is repeating itself?

In a lot of ways, she reminds me of my ex-wife.

Instead of walking and saying - deal with your sh... stuff, like I have so many times in the past... I believe that I can fix her.

I've met people in the past that I've tried to fix, but they have either bailed out before the process was finished, or I bailed because the changes weren't sticking.

So... here I am again... trying to fix someone tat doesn't have the drive to fix themselves...

Not a recipe for success...

But still, I try.

The Cheese Stands Alone

I am the cheese.

(And no... I still haven't done the break up...)

Emotional Hostage

So, today is Chi Chi's birthday.

Happy B'day Chi Chi.

It's also the weekend of my son's birthday.

Decisions, decisions, you can't please everyone, decisions...

In my mind, I have decided that I'm going to officially break up with her. So the last thing that I wanted to do was to make a BIG production out of her birthday.

My game plan has always been to surprise her at her work place.

I'm still going to do that.

But... it was always going to be a SURPRISE! Get it?

So, she's been sending these passive aggressive e-mails trying to guilt me into some behavior or another.

I can honestly say that I'm glad that I'm not going to be seeing her this weekend. I know that's a bad and sad thing to say. I should have broken up with her LONG before now...

This one... is going to get messy.

Dang

Happy Anniversary

It's been 5 years since I made my first blog post.

A lot has happened since that first day. My blog went from random posts about life to discussions about my divorce to struggling to figure things out.

I also spent some time discussing women that I've dated, my dating philosophy and just random thoughts about life in general.

Every once in a while I go back and read what I wrote.

Some of it serves as a good reminder of where I've been, mistakes not to make again... and other pieces leave me shaking my head wondering what I was thinking at the time.

George Santayana said "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."

And that's what I hope to do here. Write down those things that will help me remember the past.

What did she say...???

It's a milestone in any relationship when someone springs those 3 little words.

I love you...

It has the potential to by like kryptonite to the healthy advance of any relationship. When a woman says this to me I usually start looking for the exit strategy.

Of course, I've also received more 3rd date "I love you's" to make me more than a little cautious about the intent of the words.

I mean really, if I had to count the number of times those words have been used as a trap - I could retire.

The natural instinct is to say "it" back when you hear it. I've done that before, then when it was time to run in the opposite direction - they would throw it back at me... "how can we break up... you said you love me... you didn't mean it?"

In my honesty I would of course have to say no... which means I wasn't honest in the first place... how paradoxical...

Anyway... where was I... oh yeah... it's been 3 months of this roller coaster ride with Chi Chi and she said those dangerous 3 little words to me.

I've held my ground. I haven't said it back. I'm patiently waiting until it's true.

When she asks me how I feel, I say - "I have feelings for you..." - even I'm not sure what they are at the moment... I know it's not love...

Time will tell...

Patience

Almost everyone that knows me knows that I have a fear of relationships.

It's a healthy fear.

All to many times people hide who they are until it's too late. They just try to hang on until you're emotionally attached, then show you who they really are. Then it's hard to get out.

The picture really sums it up... people hook you, then patiently wait to hang you.

Anyway, I am progressing slowly with Chi Chi...

Admitting that you have a problem is the first problem to overcoming the problem.

The problem that I've made in the past is to invest, have second thoughts, then back peddling. This time, no back peddling... test the waters... take a step... that's the only way to make a safe journey to the other side!

It's all in the attitude

If you were to call my telephone, the last words you would hear before the beep would be "have a nice day... it's all in the attitude."

Sometimes, I need to sit back and really decide if I live by the philosophies that I espouse.

I will be the first person to say that my attitude towards dating is largely based in the fear of making the wrong mistake. My expectations are way too high, and I'm far too judgmental. I know that.

So, it's time for an attitude adjustment.

I became "publicly official" with Chi Chi.

What were the changes?

First, the belief that I'm never going to find one person that encompasses all that I'm looking for. I mean, just because I'm the total package doesn't meant that everyone else should be too... I'm just an over achiever!

So, part of it was the determination that it's okay for me to have friends that supplement the things that I need... I can have my intellectual friends and my musical friends. And it's okay that some of these are women friends as long as they don't cross the line into "friends with benefits.

So... let's see how Chi Chi deals with this and if this actually works out for me and helps me keep my interest in her without the dreaded "boredom" bug hitting.