I chose todays image because I was thinking about couples and the way that they look. 

To me, couples are viewed a few different ways: 

• through her eyes
• through his eyes
• through the eyes of others

I know, that as an optimist, I will always view everything that we do in a positive light. I always work to find the good. When I see something that's awry I think of ways to make it better. I don't like hiding things in hopes that they'll go away. They never do... if unwatched, I believe, things have a way of turning into a wedge that can push couples apart.

I don't really care about how others view us - that's because everyone has their own dysfunction in their own relationships.

I DO care about how we look in the eyes of who I am dating/marrying. Is she optimistic, pessimistic, fear/worry driven... I want to know how she see us. It's important to me that I am aware of how she views us so I can strive to make sure that we're both moving in a direction that is positive for us.

I take this approach because Jesus prayed a prayer that said "Make them one, even as We are one" for his disciples. The Bible also says "can two walk together unless they be agreed?" I believe we can be strong as a couple if we embrace this and keep our views in sync.

4 Month Checkup

It's been a little while since I've blogged, so I decided to do a little spot check on how I'm doing this year and see how I'm doing so far.

For starters... my action plan has been ... BLAH. There have been so many monkey wrenches thrown into my world that it's just crazy. I think I've gained about 10 pounds and I can't seem to make time to work out.

The crazy thing is... I was actually eating healthy during my weight gain. I added various buts to my diet and accidentally bumped my calorie count up too high. Since it takes 3500 calories to lose a pound and my life has become increasingly sedentary life has become... frustrating in that regard.

On the positive side, we've been planning a wedding. This has been interesting and not as stressful as I thought it would be. We have a schedule and it looks like we're doing pretty well...

More later.

rental Wedding Cakes?

So... it's been a minute since my last post. In all honesty, so much has been going on that I haven't had the opportunity to post.. So... let me catch you up on what's been going on in my  world and write a little bit about how I'm feeling at the moment.

The future in-laws on both sides have been met.. There was no bloodshed. Everyone likes everyone else. that's good...

We ended up doing an exercise called the "6 Thinking Hats" - it's kind of a way of looking at all sides of thing to find out what the real issues are and where to address your attention. That's when we found out that we didn't have a location set for the wedding... OOPS.

We have actually come up with a location... and that's good... I'm finishing up the paperwork and sending the deposit now.

It's getting real now.

I'm excited!

52 days and counting...

Oh... now, on to rental wedding cakes.

The picture above is a rental wedding cake! How, pray tell, do you rent a wedding cake?

The cake itself is made out of like a Styrofoam. It has a hidden compartment for real slices of cake for the bride and groom. Once the first "piece" is exchanged the "rental cake" is taken to the back and slices of a sheet cake are brought out to everyone else.

How cool is that?

Family Dynamics

Part I

Family dynamics are an interesting thing. For me, it's all about managing my family. I have to be careful about the information that I give them, when I give it to them, and how I give it to them. The rationale behind this lies in the fact that any information that I give them will eventually be turned to gossip and information that they don't have will be filled in with their own imagination.

I am beginning to understand who I can share information with and who I can't.

I do it by leaking certain pieces of information, and watching it get spread throughout the family.

The whole thing would be different if they could talk like adults... but they don't. They use subtle manipulation, guilt, and any other means that they can use with the exception of the being direct and adult. They don't talk like grown people do... which makes it hard to talk with them on a peer to peer level.

Each of them has a weird twisted "thing" in their head that they think lends additional weight to their opinion...

"I'm your Mother...", or "I'm your older brother..."

It's just weird.

Part II

I had the opportunity to meet L's Mom this weekend. L has a very matriarchal extended family. Her mother rules with fear and a heavy hand. Everyone trembles and shakes at the power of her voice because no-one... NO ONE ever can escape her will. She always gets her way.

It was a very long weekend. The first morning we were together, we were the proud recipients of no less than 5 hours of marital counseling in 2 1/2 hour segments. I think over the course of the weekend we were talked at for at least 10 hours.

I listened with a fair amount with great respect. And then it happened.

I had to show her my backbone.

I told her to put her cards on the table. That we would discuss her concerns one by one...

We did, respectfully.

L says I earned her respect that day.

I love L. She's my boo... 

The thing about life...

The thing about life is that there are hills and valleys. The way I look at it, it's possible to be discontent in each!

When you're at the top, it can be too cold, too damp, the wind can be too high... you may have trouble finding the sustenance that you need... you can't live on the mountaintop forever... you have to climb down... only to climb back up again... what's the point?

When you're in the valley you're kind of penned in by these really high oppressing peaks on all sides of you, you live in the shadows of these big ominous things that hide the light from you.If you want to see what's going on around you you have to climb to the top... it's just tiring... draining.

People can spend their entire life wishing to be in one place or the other. It's a frustrating cycle.

There was a time when we understood that. When we were a hearty people that would make the best of things wherever we were.

Now? We're so consumer oriented. We want everything to be nice and calm... easy.

Not me... I like the challenges of both.

Task Oriented Christianity

A lot of times, Christians view themselves as these servants. Servants that are dispatched to do certain tasks and the only vested interest that they have in that task is getting it over as quickly as possible because it's too much like work. Examples of this are:

• going to church on a weekly basis
• serving once a week in the nursery or with the greeters or some other ministry
• contributing to an offering
• showing up early to set up for a program

It's all very task oriented.

The interesting is that God doesn't call us to be task oriented. In the Bible it says: 

Now you are no longer servants, but God's own child. And since you are his child, God has made you his heir. (Gal 4:7)

This opens up a whole new ball of wax.

When you sit at the Kings table, you're in on the planning. the King tells you what is on his mind. There is intimacy there. You are expected to participate - but with knowledge and with your resources. There will be times when you're asked to take a leadership role. You level and activity level takes on a whole new view point because of the realization that your wealth in the kingdom is tied into the wealth of the King. It's ownership and not just subservience.

When we think about Christianity, do we look at is as tasks supporting of distant God because it's what expected, or do we see our inheritance?

Believe me... that subtle change of view changes the way you work, live, act...

Unbalanced load

I am a big fan of balance... But sometimes in the course of human events, things become unbalanced. For me, it's usually happens in an area of my life where I am trying to be intentional.

I have gained 15 pounds since the beginning of the year. My time management sucks. The areas that I wanted to key in on are in shambles.

So... True to my blog, I have to write about the mundane things to keep me in check.

Starting tomorrow.

Work isn't personal...

They say that work isn't personal. I truly believe that. If I disagree with you or whatever, I do not view the person any differently out of work. Even inside work, as long as we're not working on the same project I can be cordial, nice, whatever. HOWEVER, if we are working on the same project... it's a different story.

By nature, I am a non confrontational person. I go to work to accomplish a task. The things that frustrate me most are when there's no clear vision, people don't value my opinion, when things are done randomly with no sense of order and when there's no communication.

If you put all of those things together, the likelihood of me actually wanting to perform at my best is somewhat diminished. I will do the bare minimum to reduce MY OWN frustration levels.

I love it when I'm in charge of a team. When you give me the reigns, I will do my research from the people that know infinitely more than me... set a vision, and hold people to that vision and time table. I make sure everyone is engaged and every team member knows the direction that we're heading.

Anyway... that's my rant for today.

Just had to get that off my chest.

Now... I feel much better.

Guarding your heart...

My fiancée and I had an interesting conversation. I was going to have dinner with an old college friend... a female friend. Now, in my mind, this person was like a sister... is like a sister to me. However... she's a recent widow. One of the things that -L- said was that when she lost her husband, she would look at men with a slightly different way.

I don't always understand the inner thinking of the mind of women, so I have to trust the woman that I love to help guard my heart and my affections.

This is kind of new for me. New on a couple of levels... I had a wife that really didn't care one way or another. She didn't mind if I hung out with female friends... the only time she really minded anything was towards the end when she knew it was all over.

After that, I was single and the only person that I had to worry about was me, and my own opinions on who I wanted in my life... and I guarded that well.

Now... there's a new component. There's a woman in my life that loves me and cherishes me. This is kind of new and a paradigm shift in the way that I have to think about my social interactions.

Selah

Going Viral

So... I wrote "Romance 101" yesterday. I shared it with a small set of friends to test drive it. Many thought it was funny. I then shared it with an e-mail group that I belong to that shares funny videos. I'm hoping to see if this really goes viral.

I have one item that has gone viral before. I coined the phrase "G.A.S." many years ago... "Gear Acquisition Syndrome" - which is a disorder that musicians face when they see a new piece of gear that they must have because in their mind, they think it will make them perform better.

Anyway... wish me luck!

Romance 101

If you ask a hundred people this question, you will get 100 different answers. So... I decided my best chance at understnding the true meaning behind this elusive "thing" called romance was to look it up in the dictionary.

First, "romance" can be used as an adjective, noun, verb.

Interesting...

As an adjective, "romance" means: of, relating to, or being any of the languages developed from Latin (as Italian, French, and Spanish).

So... when she says she wants a little "romance" I can say in my best Rico Suave voice... "tienes un sonrisa que llena mi vida de allegria..."

NICE!...

As a noun, "romance" means:

a (1) : a medieval tale based on legend, chivalric love and adventure, or the supernatural (2) : a prose narrative treating imaginary characters involved in events remote in time or place and usually heroic, adventurous, or mysterious(3) : a love story especially in the form of a novelb : a class of such literature

So... I can read a book to her...

2: something (as an extravagant story or account) that lacks basis in fact

I can tell a lie...

3: an emotional attraction or aura belonging to an especially heroic era, adventure, or activity

We can dress up in Medeival clothing?

4: love affair

I had to look this one up... it means: a lively enthusiasm

So... when she says "romance" I can tell her about my fascination with my Android Galaxy Tab! Awesome!

5capitalized : the Romance languages

So... when she says she wants "Romance" - she really wants to learn Latin, Italian or Spanish???

As a verb, romance can either be intransitive or transitive... whatever that means...

intransitive verb

1: to exaggerate or invent detail or incident

She wants me to tell her that her eyes are as blue as the ocean and her hair as golden as amber waves of grain?

2: to entertain romantic thoughts or ideas

She really just wants me to think about all the things that I've written here so far...

transitive verb

1: to try to influence or curry favor with especially by lavishing personal attention, gifts, or flattery

Maybe... just maybe... she wants me to buy her something... FINALLY something I know I can do!

So... maybe that''s where guys have gone wrong all these years... when a woman says she wants romance... she really just wants us to buy her something... I'm on my way to the store now to get buy my sweetie a #2 Pencil... I hope she likes it!

How close can you get???

So... here's the dilemma. I've been married before and have 3 sons. I've had sex. The new chic... the one I'm engaged to has 3 children as well... she's had sex. We both have a commitment to our Christian values and have decided that we're not going to have sex until we're married.

The questions that we have wrestled with is... how close can you get without crossing the line?

The problem that I am facing is that going too far might as well mean not even bothering to wait.

Anyway, it's hard... sticking to the commitment. Just a few more short months and I can say I've done it!... We've done it! We will have managed to build a relationship on our merits and not on a physical crutch...

Why the glum face??? Because I'm cooking! Yes... I'm cooking again.

Last year I did Nutrisystem, I lost about 10 pounds using that system. Later on, I moved to Healthy Choices because they were convenient, cost less... BUT... I always ended up hungry which led to episodes of binge eating.

In a stroke of brilliance, I decided to start cooking.

Cooking is interesting... and fun.

Cooking is definitely loer in sodium, and you can get more and more full because you get free items, like vegetables. Foods are also higher in water content that help you feel full.

It may take extra time to actually do the food preparation, but it tastes better and it's more satisfying. I don't think it's more expensive in the long run either.

What am I thinking...

This is interesting... my entire blog has been about this internal struggle... and now... it's philosophy of dating and rants against X. What's going on?

Well... I'll tell you what's going on... I have dropped my 2011 action plan. I need to pick it up again. I have been so busy just enjoying life that... well, nothing... it's okay to just enjoy life sometimes.

But, I still need to keep myself accountable. I need to have some expectations of myself about eating healthy, being in shape, and managing my time better. These are all non-negotiable... so, as they say, Monday, I am back on the wall... I am being diligent... again.

Trouble in paradise...

My relationship is fine... this, really is in reference to X. (For those that don't know... X is what I call my ex-wife)

So... our youngest son wanted to get into a private state run school program, He found out yesterday that he didn't get into the program. I decided that I needed to call him and have a conversation with him about how to handle disappointment. We talked a little about times that I've wanted jobs and didn't get them...

Anyway, I called last night to talk with him and X's future x answered the phone. (Okay... so maybe calling him her future x was bad...) The phone rang a little too long, The "live in guy" answers the phone... in a gruff way. Of course I politely say "May I speak with 'the youngest son'?"

He gives X the phone... instead of 'the youngest son'... who says multiple times:

"When you drop off the son, drop him off in the street and not in the driveway."

Now... I'm at a loss... I'm trying to work through an issue with OUR son, and this is her topic of conversation?

Well... while I was talking to 'the youngest son', I could hear X and x arguing in the background...

You know... sometimes people ask me about my 1st marriage and if I would go back... if there are things that I would change or have done differently... in the grand scheme of things I think I realize that some people get what's important... and some people don't. And that will never change.

At first, I felt a little smug hearing them in the background... then I felt sad. I may not have feelings for her, but I don't like it when anyone is in a relationship where there's control and fear.

Love is like a 3 layer cake...

Love is complex... it has layers. The 2 questions that need to be asked are:

• What are those layers
• What holds them together

For some, the layers are past experiences, fear, selfishness held together by guilt.

For others, the layers are desire for family, external expectations, biological clocks glued together by hopes and dreams.

I could go on and on with examples... but I wanted to share with you what my winning combination is...

Like - first, at some fundamental level, you have to actually genuinely like the other person, Can you hang out and just be you... be silly, be serious... just be.

Love - love is important, because love covers a multitude of sins. What that means is that you have a certain amount of... grace, or forgiveness. You care for the person just because... It encompasses multiple aspects... you have friendship, comradery, passion, and unmerited favor.

Relating on a higher level - For me, it's a relationship based in common Christian values.

You can have these layers... but you need something to hold these layers together. For me, it's the fact that God is involved in both of our lives. I can't tell you the number of times that in prayer time that God has spoken the same thing to both of... and that's what brings us together and helps our 3 layer cake stay together.

What's your cake like?

A novel idea...

Sometimes in relationships, love is an afterthought.

I mean... really, a lot of times we think about love when it comes to romance, special occasions, Valentines day... but other than that, it really becomes a cliche. It becomes as common place as saying Hello or Good Bye.

But... what if love wasn't an afterthought?

What if love... was an intentional action that governs the way that two people interact with each other?

What would that look like?

I can tell you that it would probably be difficult, because you have to sometimes not act in a selfish way... you have to compromise... you have to sacrifice...

That's the thought for today... don't make love an afterthought.

Scripture Of The Day:  “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." - John 13:34 (NIV)

Last Of The Wedding Talk

Okay... Lisa's best friend "the event planner" friend has views of where she would like to be, that doesn't necessarily line up with what Lisa and I have been talking about. On the positive side... I don't have to talk with her about managing the expectations of her friend!

At the moment, we have narrowed it down to 2 venues. One is rather artistic... and the other is at a nice room in a restaurant. We're going to look at both of them tomorrow.

I am leaning towards the room at the restaurant. It seats 40... we're expecting 30. 

Let me digress a moment. Why are we planning for 30? Honestly, We could have more... 100... 200 easy... but we decided to make it about the people that are closest to us and not just about the people that want to come and what and see and gawk... and talk behind out backs about the venue, how we're dressing, blah blah blah.

Okay... where was I?

The wedding... we're both leaning towards the restaurant. It's within our price range and think it would be cool... imagine if you will... a close and intimate setting... exchanging vows surrounded by our inner circle... then, we'll end up serving them a 3 course meal.. before we run away to our cabin of love!

And the countdown begins...

"Welcome to the real word, she said to me... condescendingly... 

  Take a seat... take your life... plot it out in black and white..." John Mayer

I just realized that I'm getting married in June. We've gone from making the statement "I'm going to marry you one day" to actually knowing what the date is. A ring has been placed on the finger... reservations have been made for the honeymoon and now? We're looking at wedding venues.

Wow.

June is coming up quickly... very quickly... and there's a lot to do.

We have made reservations for the honeymoon already. Now we're looking at venues... And I'm looking at my bank account!!! (I know that's a terrible thing to say, but I'm still in recovery from the divorce. I'm 2 years from being debt free... but still have a lot of funds allocated with limited disposable income.)

So... I'm walking the tightrope of wanting her to have the day that she deserves couples with what I can logically help her accomplish.

Letting go...

I have a problem with letting go of people once they're in my life. I don't care if we dated... if you wanted to date me... if I wanted to date you... If I care enough to invite you into my world... it's difficult for me to let go.

Lately, that's exactly what I've been doing. Slowly letting people go. Deleting them from my phone... Facebook account, old e-mails... I am doing the purge.

I am finding that for some people, it's easier... they help remind me why I need to excise them from my life... I can't stand their negativity. Others, it was just about equity... I was always more invested in keeping the friendship than they were.

Either way... letting go can be good sometimes.