How balanced is too balanced?

People that know me know that I strive to present myself in a very balanced way.

If I'm really excited - I smile fairly broadly.

If I'm sad, I don't smile at all.

If I'm angry... the smile disappears.

I have the perfect poker face.

There are instances when I'm alone if I get really excited I'll surprise myself with a yelp of glee.

I think I get that from my Mom. I was visiting her this weekend - she has a lot of things going on with Dad recovering from his cancer treatments and her Dad (Grand Dad) going through surgery after surgery in a touch and go situation. She's torn between the duty of being wife verses the love a daughter has for her Dad.

I was there when she talked with him on the phone and she wanted to cry, but she fought back the tears and sat in the sun room with a look on her face similar to the one that I tried to approximate in the above picture.

I tried to reaffirm her that it's okay to feel. That crying is good for the soul. That she shouldn't worry. I'll stay with Dad - she can attend to her father.

The more time I spend with her, the more I understand my personality.

I think she developed this because she never had a "safe place" to express her emotions. She couldn't just relax and be. In her mind, her duty of being wife and mother superceded her own needs. And because of the maxim "Duty First" - you lose touch with that emotional side of you because you are the glue that holds things together.

That's one of the things that I've been working on in my post divorce life. Understanding that "Duty First" is a great maxim if you're struggling for survival in a fight for your life, but in a day to day world - all that will do is turn your heart to stone.

So now? I open up a little bit more about me. I may break into spontaneous dance at Wal-Mart.

My heart looks more and more like this now

And that's a good thing.