What happened???

There was a point in time where I was an optimist... if you put me in any situation I was determined that I would shine.

I am pretty convinced that throughout the course of my life that I would succeed at anything that I've ever put my hand to and now... I feel like my midas touch is now turning everything that it touches to sh.. ummm... garbage.

So... how does one find that joie de vivre again?

I think one of the things that I'm missing at the moment is my support system. Being out of town for work followed by spending 6 months out of town helping with my family has my... isolated.

I am not even finding solace in the activities that are usually my go to activities...

There are some that would argue that it's because of recent things that have transpired.

I don't know, but I don't think so.

Right now? I think I'm going to go clean my house...

More on the yellow brick road...

I was thinking about life this morning as I was laying in bed trying not to think about anything at all.

Life has an interesting arc to it.

When I was young I had a really good fantasy life. I could be whoever I wanted to be.

During the next stage, I realized that it was true! And actually worked to be the person that I wanted to be.

Actualization... living out your dreams.

Being lost. That's the one that they don't tell you about.

But it happens.

It's amazing how quickly you can go from having purpose and a plan in your life to being completely... lost.

Allow me to pause for a moment.

Breathe.

That feels good...

I'm off to figure out who I am... again.

Follow the yellow brick road...

Honestly, a lot has been going on that would ordinarily have my heart in a tailspin, but instead of having my heart spin, I'm kind of just... blah.

I actually remember the last time that my heart felt something. It was with Sparkles (This is the same Sparkles that the Sparkles Effect was named after. I'm really proud of her, she's grown a lot over the last few months!). That's when I gave the famous speech - "I have 4 hearts and they have all been broken" - during that speech I also made the declaration that she was going to break my heart and that I would never feel again.

By virtue of the fact that I never really talk about Sparkles you can only assume how that turned out.

So... basically what I've done is taken a very cerebral approach to dating. Engage at a mental level and not a heart level. I show my heart, but is guarded. I can show it, I just don't know that I can give it.

So... what happens when you meet someone that you want to connect with but can't figure out how?

So... my heart is kind of like Dorothy in the beginning of the Wizard of Oz. My heart is housed in a safe place - but this place has been transported to parts unknown. I'm really honestly trying to find out where it's going to land so I can start the journey to the wizard to see if I can find this mythical place called home.

The question is... how do you engage people to go on the quest with you - especially when you don't know what the outcome is.

Maybe I'll just stay in Munchkin land... They like me there.

I don't get it...

Well... first of all, I apologize for not being around. I have had a TON of things going on in my world.

Priorities... go figure.

On a completely different note, in coming off my sabbatical I received a job offer on Friday.

If anyone is interested, although I have the offer I am still entertaining offers - so if anyone knows of anyone interested in a Senior Software Consultant that wouldn't mind being a road warrior, please drop me a line!

Thanks.

Okay, maybe too personal...

I have a good friend named Jimmy that NEVER EVER puts things that are of a personal dating nature in her blog.

Lesson learned.

There's a big difference between placing your own emotional feelings out there... it's a completely different thing when someone else's are involved.

With that being said...

I am going to try to get back to normal posting. I have a lot of things that I need to work through after the death of Dad.

I hope that you all have a nice weekend and that you live every moment to its fullest.

More.... later.

Putting things together...

I can truly say that I was slightly overwhelmed by the amount of negative responses to my post on running.

Wow!

I would also like to thank those that spoke positive affirmations.

For those that have been long time readers you're aware that I do this thing called - "Misdirection" - this is when there is a larger problem that I don't want to talk about that's bothering me, so I throw out something else.

Yesterday was a classic example.

I have been on sabbatical since January. One of the reasons that I decided to move to the state that I'm in was so I could be close to Mom and Dad in the event that something happened. Over the past 6 months I've had the opportunity to put that to the test.

I have spent more time at their house over the last 6 months than I have at mine.

In all honesty, I still haven't properly grieved the loss of Dad.

My sisters left Mom's house yesterday. I opted to go home almost immediately after the funeral because I didn't feel like sitting around talking about memories of Dad. I returned only after they left.

It's very financially taxing to take a year off and still have obligations to meet. Alimony/Child Support, mortgage payments other miscellaneous and not so miscellaneous bills.

In all honesty, my number one priority of necessity is not finding the perfect person to date, but in finding a job (as I look at the $49 that remains in my bank account.)

Perhaps, putting on my running shoes had more to deal with hitting the ground running to start my job hunt. Perhaps it was preparing for the upcoming challenges. Perhaps it was the realization that over the next 2 months as I job hunt/start working I am going to have to put a lot of things on the table in order to ramp up to what I do.

I am an Information Technology specialist. I design n-tier software systems with a strong concentration in middleware technologies. I am also competing in an industry where they are still sending a fair amount of work to India and China.

So... please tell me... what are the important puzzle pieces that I need to concentrate on? What is expedient? Where is my energy best spent?

At the moment, I have to have 2 full time jobs...

1) Job hunting

2) Skills enhancement

So, as I try to figure things out... please be a little patient with me as I try to handle first things first.

Look for updates soon!

I can't do this...

I admit it... I'm a runner.

When it comes to relationships, I am a runner. I am such a runner that I refuse to call it anything other than a relationship.

I like to call it a friendship, a journey, a blueprint.

I don't think I'm ready to risk yet.

Or maybe I am...

I have to think about this. I have to count the costs...

I have worked so hard at creating all these hoops for people to jump through and when people start jumping through them... AAARRRGH...

I have to think.

What do I want?

The stakes are too high to be glib.

Gimme a day or 2 to work things out in my own head.

I think I'm going to start lacing up my track shoes...

Don't hate me...

Who is holding the pen???

Basically, building a relationship is like trying to sketch something. I have a firm idea as to what it is going to look like.

If you want to work on this blueprint with me... you can't hold my pen.

I am allowed to be the primary architect, but my expectation is for whoever I am with to look over my shoulder to make sure that I don't do something crazy.

If she notices something that might be cool, I will listen intently - ask questions... I may even hand the pen to her and let her draw. But... I'm going to be looking over her shoulder.

Roughly translated? As long as I honor her by listening and as long as she doesn't snatch the pen we'll be okay.

I think that kind of sums up our metaphorical conversation.

Of course, she's been using her own pen for such a long time, it's kind of scary for her to put her pen away... fold up her own blueprints and look at the one we've been working on for the last almost 2 months... but she's willing.

That's a special thing.

Of course, I reassured her by reminding her that every time she's had something to say I would always listen and ask questions.

When we're done... we may not just build a house... we may end up with a home.

A moment of reflection...

At around 9:30 am the world lost a great man.

My Father passed away this morning.

As many of you know, I had the opportunity to serve Mom and Dad over the last 2 months. It was humbling.

So, if you will indulge me for a moment, I want to take a moment and remember him.

My Father's Dad was a share cropper in North Carolina. 2nd generation ex-slave. He witnessed his Father getting paid $20 for a years worth of work and determined that he was not going to follow that same path.

Over the course of his life he had the opportunity to learn Arabic and French. He had the opportunity to see more of the world than most people do in multiple lifetimes.

He was an engineer, a student of psychology, an expert in radio transmissions, both micro and macro wave.

I could write stories about his accomplishments and how he's inspired me to be the man that I am.

But, for the moment, I just want to remember him as Dad.

True confession

What am I doing awake at 3:00AM?

I can't really sleep.

I admit it, there's a part of me that likes to keep people a little off balance in terms of how I feel.

For the first time in a long time, I haven't been looking, and everything that I've been looking for has snuck up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder and grabbed me by the hand. And like any child, I try to jerk my hand away and run saying "Catch me! Catch me!"

I have concluded that I am afraid. There has never been an instance in my life where I've been interested in someone and it has worked out for the best. I keep waiting for her to expose me for not being man enough, or for her mask to come off - when, we are honestly being who we are.

So... at 3:00... in the morning I sit here mostly frustrated at my own inability to just enjoy someone without fear that she's going to break my freakin' heart.

So, we're basically at an impasse unless I am willing to let her tug on my heart strings without my tugging back when it gets a little too real.

And that's probably the most scary thing of all.

According to my sons...

So... I asked my sons if it were okay for me to date. Since they are 12/12 and 16 I decided it would only be fair to see if they had any feedback regarding anyone that I might see in the future.

The following list is a subset of the criteria that they gave.

She must not be crazy

She cannot be hot!

She cannot be embarrassing

She must be a virgin (Although I think they might be a little flexible on this one...)

I can't spend more time with her than with them when they are here

She must be nice

She must know how to manage money

She cannot be shorter than 4' 10" tall

She cannot be obese

My kids cannot be current friends of her children

She has to be over 25... anything younger and they said I would be a pedophile... (How old do they think I am???)

She can have kids, but they cannot be their age... or attractive

She can't have kids under the age of 8 and if she does have kids, they must be potty trained!!!

Wow... that's a pretty in depth list.

Does anyone know where I can find a 40 year old virgin... with kids?

Healthy fear???

I don't know... at this point, eating cow's tongue or sticking my head in a bucket of cockroaches to fish out a key with my mouth is almost a task that I would rather do than meeting someone.

Okay maybe not, but there is an element of fear that's creeping in over the notion of meeting dating.

I don't care if you send a million e-mails or spend hours on the phone there's always a difference when you meet someone in person.

You're outta here!!!

I think everyone has a super secret list of items that they are looking for... except for me.

I'm really not sure what I'm looking for. As a result - it's very difficult for me to determine what it is that I would like in someone to date.

Therefore, instead of looking for qualities that I like, I look for things that I find annoying or things that I really couldn't live with.

I look for disqualifying things.

Just because I find something that is disqualifying, it doesn't mean that I'm going to walk away.. I have to make an assessment as to whether or not it's something that I can or cannot live with.

Does that make sense?

Disqualifying things for me are things like: the inability to listen, or being too clingy. Not being able to articulate what they are feeling or just being irrational... spitting in public places or raising your leg to pass gas while in a grocery store... yeah, that's not endearing either. Then there are obvious things like unprocessed baggage from previous relationships.

But how can you determine what these disqualifiers are? The list to me seams so random. Because there are so many different people out there with quirks that I've never seen before you can't make a list. Know what I mean?

So... if I'm interested in you as a person that's a good thing... but there are just some things that would drive me crazy. The disqualifiers.

Don't get me wrong. I have personality quirks that are disqualifiers too.

That's why I invented the whole "Time and Consistency" method to determine if there are any of these quirks.

Building a foundation...

TC and I are planning to meet for the first time in 25 days. In 25 days, it will be 2 months since we first exchanged e-mails.

Since that time, we have exchanged long e-mails, talked on the telephone nightly for 4 to 6 hours.

Our conversations are interesting. We don't spend a lot of time talking about the past, although occasionally we ask pertinent questions like:

"Tell me about your adult relationships. How did they end? What role did you play in their demise?"

We don't play the "I think you're great because..." games.

We spend time trying to understand each others coping skills. Problem solving styles. Communication models. Building a safe environment to approach sensitive topics. Allowing the other person to feel safe when asking questions that are far too personal for casual conversation.

Of course, it's not always nose to the grindstone foundation building. We also joke around. TC has a wickedly twisted sense of humor and appreciates mine.

Both of us have friends that are trying to understand why we are waiting so long. We both have friends that try to give us advice about our first meeting. I'm not sure they understand what we're trying to do.

Actually... I'm not sure we know what we're trying to do. Well, actually I do. She is trying to qualify me... I am trying to disqualify her.

More on that... tomorrow.

Catching up...

Sorry folks, I've been a little... distracted lately. There are really 2 reasons why...

1) I'm still working with Mom/Dad, so my life has kind of been on hold.

2) I've met a person of interest.

So... let me tell you about the person of interest.

We met almost 33 days since I met TC, and it seams like I've known her quite a while longer. We started off e-mailing each other back and for and it has progressed to these really long 4 or 5 hour conversations where we are working dilligently on getting to know each other.

I've learned so much about her in these conversations:

She's right handed.

She's a really good bowler... when she uses bumpers.

She has really bad horrible handwriting most of the time and likes to write exclusively in black ink.

She occassionally eats Cap'n Crunch for diner.

She salts everything repeatedly... including pizza, soup and saltine crackers... (okay, maybe not saltines)

See? I am really getting to know the GOOD STUFF!

Anyway... we're going to meet for the first time on June 28.

(Immigration has been realy tough about granting her a visa to come here from Venus.. after all, aren't women from Venus?)

Anyway... expect to hear a lot from me regarding TC over the next couple of weeks as I count down to the BIG MEET.

A lot of people have indicated that June 28 is far too long for us to meet, but we really like the path we are taking.

Honestly, I'll write a LOT about this over the next couple of weeks.

Where have I been???

Ok... honestly, I generally tend to be a consistent blogger unless something is going on in my life.

Many of you know a little of what's going on with my parents... a few of my closer friends know what's going in a little deeper way.

Honestly, there are 2 different things going on.

1) I don't have consistent internet connectivity at my parents house. (Working on putting in a wireless router within the next week or so.)

2) I am in the process of getting to know a woman who apparently is too good to be true.

The above picture represents her... because I promised to keep her identity... a secret.

To a lot of people that know me and have known me - they know that I am a runner. I will run from someone that is interested in me as fast as I can, I will run in the opposite direction.

Of course, I will also run towards people that are not interested in me...

So... Hi TC!!!

Sometimes I feel really sorry for TC.

IF... I am interested in someone, it is honestly scarey to me, so I try very hard to find a reason to disqualify them.

Not everyone an stand that type of scrutiny.

But, there's equity. She asks hard questions as well, and pays attention to the things that I say and pins me down for real answers... and we all know how ambiguous I like to be sometimes.

Well, I've raised the bar in terms of what I'm looking for. There have been a lot of really good high jumpers that haven't been able to get over the bar.

TC... is apparently a pole vaulter.

I'm sure you'll hear more in the future... I just wanted to put this out there in way of introdution.

What is enslaving you?

Everyone is a slave to something. Some people are slaves to their jobs, others coffee or drugs. I even know some people who are slaves situations and circumstances.

The one thing that I know is that I am not a slave to my past. I have friends that ask me about my ex wife (whom I will refer to as X going forward)... honestly, I tell stories about the good times and about the bad times.

But none of those stories have a hold on who I am now. Not emotionally. Not with her.

I am bound by a fathers love to our sons. I am not a slave to it, but a willing servant who desires to serve them in the best capacity possible.

It's interesting. This morning I had an epiphany of sorts. To a lot of people, divorce is like ending a chapter in a book. The book continues adding new chapters. The truth is... if that's the case then that wrinkle in the plot has lasting effects on the rest of the book... doesn't it?

I choose a different freedom. (Notice the subtle change from being in bondage to being free?) For me, divorce was the end of a book. What's next is a brand new story. Unless I choose to bring drama into my story from another book... and that's at my discretion.

I choose... to move forward.

I choose to be enslaved to my love for our sons and their well being, both emotionally and physically to the best of my ability, but I refuse to be enslaved by an emotional hold on a character that plays no significant role in the book I am currently writing.

In this new book, I do not currently have a co-author. My previous co-writer cannot suggest or even imply plot twists or wrinkles in my story.

I do hope that she understands that the words that she writes in the story of the lives of our children will have a lasting impact on their own lives... but that, sadly, is not something that I can control.

I can write in strength of character and unconditional love to their stories... but ultimately, as they look back and begin to write their own story I can only hope that the good in their lives has outweighed the bad and that their epic story ends well.

Well, that's enough mixed metaphors for the day...

What's a good first date?

So... I would like to go on a date. But honestly, what makes a good date? Before I'm put into a position where I have to come up with an idea on the fly, it's probably a good idea to spend some time thinking about this.

The first thing that I did was look online. AskMen.Com makes the following suggestions: (I'm listing them all because I hope you'll start laughing as hard as I did... the editorial comments are theirs, not mine...)

1. Hot Air Balloon Ride (with her hanging on to you because she is afraid of heights)

2. Massage

3. Catered meal (It might cost some extra money, but at least there's a chance that you won't have to drive her home!)

4. Roof Terrace

5. Limo Ride

6. Psychic

7. Golf

8. Go-Karting

9. Casino

10. Picnic

11. Amusement Park ( she won't have a chance to get bored_

12. Concert

13. Mini Golf (A cheap and fairly easy "sport," it allows for some physical contact when you have to give her a crash course on how to hold the putter.)

14. Billiards (You can raise the stakes by saying, "Whoever loses the game must cook supper for the other." And just like that, you've got yourself a second round of love.)

15. The Beach (This is the perfect way to enjoy the sun, show off your new swimsuit and see what she looks like in a bikini. And if all else fails, there is still enough eye candy to keep you busy.)

Honestly... sometimes I wonder how we as a species manage to continue if these are our mating rituals... then, when I look at the number of failed relationships that are out there it all comes into a sharp focus.

So, here are my thoughts on the topic...

First, I honestly don't think that dating is the best way to get to know someone. I think it would be best if you spent some time talking first, before you get to the point of thinking about dating. Dating adds so many complications... you can easily get distracted by the smell of perfume, her subtle curves, the way she looks at you and smiles...

It's important to stay focused. After all, if this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with you have got to know the real them...

So... by the time you have that all important first date, you should have hours of phone conversation under your belt... they should basically know who you are... and vise-versa.

There should be a comfort level... a vulnerability that isn't there when you hop right into "dating."

So... what are my date ideas?

1. Prepare a meal together. Tons of great conversation during the process... it's slightly time consuming... no distractions... you can concentrate on each getting to know each other and have a great meal... or at least a meal that you've prepared...

2. The museum. There are lots of different things to see/talk about. Whether you like art or not, it's a nice place to walk/talk... and... it's climate controlled!

3) Walmart. Yes, I said it... Walmart. Walmart is honestly a one stop shop place that has EVERYTHING. As you meander aimlessly through the store, you get can an understanding of everything from the types of foods that the other person likes to what kinds of pots/pans they have in their kitchen!

4. The bookstore. Even if the other person isn't an avid reader, there are a lot of interesting banners declaring the types of books in a section. If she sees "Self help" and picks up books on how to deal with depression... you know RIGHT AWAY.... just kidding. You can go to the travel section, look at parts of the world your interested in visiting... see what titles catch each others eye, look at magazines... a lot of good conversation starters.

5. Play tourist. Get out your digital camera... spend some time together deciding where you want to go locally. Decide where you want to take pictures. The fun of getting there, blocking the photo... the memories of the first outing...

Okay... that's my list of first dates... not bad for an amateur eh?

To all you Moms out there... Happy Mother's Day!!!

Hot Anger/Cold Anger

I was reading "Wicked" by Gregory Maguire and came across 2 paragraphs that made me think...

I'll share both with you, then my thought.

Tribal mothers always tell their children that there are tow kinds of anger: hot and cold. Boys and girl experience both, but as they grow up the angers separate according to the sex. Boy need hot anger to survive. They need the inclination to fight, the drive to sink the knife into the flesh, the energy and initiative of fury. It' a requirement of hunting, of defence, of pride. Maybe sex too."

"And girls need cold anger. They need the cold simmer, the ceaseless grudge, the talent to avoid forgiveness, the sidestepping of compromise. They need to know when they say something that they will never back down, ever ever. It's the compensation for a more limited scope in the world. Cross a man and you struggle, one of you wins, you adjust, you go on - or you lie there dead. Cross a woman and the universe is changed, once again, for cold anger requires an eternal vigilance in all the matters of slight and offense"

My take aways? Guys generally deal with things and get over it. Women let it simmer. Hold a grudge.

I'm not sure if this is a sexist view of the world or if there is truth in it.

I do know that I dog eared the page and keep going back to it... looking for meaning and understanding.

Something's brewing...

Well now. I apologize for not being around. I've had some things brewing in my world.

Yep! Our hero has some things percolating in his personal life!!

I'm not ready to start discussing these things at length yet... but I see a definite up turn in my life after all the craziness that's been going on for the last few months.

I will catch you up on the REALLY important things that have been going on though.

I had my refrigerator repaired. After spending a couple days at my parents house I went home to find the cold side warm and the frozen side cool.

Not good. Soooo I threw away a lot of food... called the repair man. Need to get back home and check it out... make sure it was all done well.

Next, I took my lawn mower to the shop. 2 different sets of repairs and I'm going to have a working lawn mower again... WOO HOO!!!! Boy will my neighbors be happy.

My lawn is an overgrown mess at the moment too. I need to spend some time working on that too when I get back.

Sorry my life's been so boring lately.

Dad is doing well.

Mom is holding up as well.

I do have some things to talk about regarding that, but if I do, I may make it a private message and may only put it on my Multiply blog. We'll see...

Hope all is well with you!

Turning the tables

During my divorce I was accused of being way too nice.

One of my friends that told me this is now, herself, being too nice.

Last year she started dating this guy that since then has been proving to not be worth his weight in dog poo.

He has used her tooth brush, lied repetitively, ruined her furniture, spilled paint on her carpet, spit gum on her walls, and did I say used her tooth brush?

For some strange reason she moved him in to her place and he won't leave. Which is a great source of frustration for her.

Did I say he used her tooth brush. Regularly? And lied about using it? (That one still gets to me)

One of the things that impressed me about her was that she was always really good about expressing her feelings. But now, seams to have an inability. The up front nature that she had that I admired has mysteriously gone.

This got me thinking. When you care for someone, how hard is it to turn off the kindness.

I know for me it was shortly after I realized that my ex didn't want to treat things with the divorce in a fair and equitable way (Check the blog archives people... check the archives...)

Is there a reality check that must occur before you turn the tables or is it possible to consistently keep things in balance?

That's my hope. If/When I start dating again... keep things in balance.

A moment of joy...

So... I've been so wrapped up in what's been going on with Mom/Dad that I haven't taken much time to take time out for me.

So... on this shorter trip up here this week I decided to bring my motorcycle. Mine is the blue one behind this yellow monster of a ride.

The yellow "moto-trike" has a v8 engine in it and just looks super cool

One of the things that I'm trying to do on in the mornings is get out and ride. Nothing like feeling the nice cool air to wash your worries away.

That... and I've been doing some writing. Check out the song Topsy Turvey - I recorded it at my parents house on a Boss Micro-BR- a multi-track recorder that fits in the palm of your hand.

See... a ray of happiness!

I was thinking...

I was thinking a lot about the last year.

I was remembering when I was suffering through the divorce that I did a series of pictures that I can only call in retrospect "Suffering in Silence."

The reason why I'm bringing this up is because a friend of mine said something interesting to me...

She asked me if any my Mom's personality traits were presence in me.

Honestly... there are... or, should I say they were. I'm watching how she's dealing with the sudden news of Dads change in health and my heart goes out to her. The best that I can do is let her know that she's not alone.

Let her know that I'm going to be there for her...

That regardless of her mood swings, acting out, whatever... just be there. Love her.

I dunno.

It's interesting.

I can truly appreciate the changes in my life.

In literature, there are several classic conflicts: man against nature; man against himself; man against man and man against God.

I've successfully weathered the following:

• man against man
• man against himself
• man against nature

The last that I need to resolve is what is truly the hardest - man against God.

Once I've completed that... my circle would have been completed.

Yesterday.

Dad came home from the hospital yesterday. The doctors said there's nothing medically that can be done in order to improve Dad's condition. We are now migrating from rehabilitation to comfort.

Yesterday Mom signed the papers for Home Hospice.

It's a long story, and I don't want to go into the full medical history. We were progressing so well, and now it's sad to see things go... backwards.

I'm extending my sabbatical to provide as much relief as possible for Mom and to be there for Dad.

Thank for your prayers and concerns.

Am I strong enough?

When I woke up this morning the lyrics to "Strong Enough" by Sheryl Crow were reverberating in my mind. Particularly this part of the chorus:

When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I cant stand
Will you be strong enough to be my man?

Then it struck me... I know why I'm supposed to be at my parents house.

Although I've declared myself emotionally healthy, I haven't been tested.

This time I've had with my Mom has been the test. Am I strong enough to be the man that I want to be relationally?

Can I stay in balance when things pull me out of balance?

Can I stay emotionally engaged and not zone out?

The answer to that question is yes. Yes 1,000 times over.

Okay, I have made mistakes, but I'm beginning to catch them. Understand them.

I think I've passed this test...

Updates...

This red, puffy, swollen thing is my eye. We used to be friends. We would watch TV together, work out together, we would hang out ALL the time.

Until he started playing with the allergens.

When I saw them I knew they were no good. I warned him to stay away... but did he listen?

NoooOOOOooooo.

So now - after 2 days of taking Zyrtec and Sudafed PE I think I've found a combination of meds that work.

Every 12 hours, take a Claritin D and a Zyrtec.

Yeah, I know both of those are supposed to be 24 hour drugs... but I'm desperate.

That... and I've missed a day of blogging. My day started at 3:30am yesterday when I was sitting at the table with Dad. We were having a conversation when we decided to call for an ambulance.

It wasn't that something catostrophic happened. We just decided that it would be quicker to get him admitted than to have me drive.

They've done a battery of tests. They were able to detect an old stroke in the right side of the brain. Nothing big. But I don't think that they've noticed it before... They did an MRI, but I haven't had a chance to catch up with the doctors after they've done their reading.

They also noticed heart enzymes in the blood stream - which means some cardiac even occurred.

One step forward....

2 steps back.

Interestingly enough, the hospitals free internet blocks social networking sites like Multiply and facebook... so... don't ask me how I'm doing this... Shhhhh.... it's a secret.

Take care... and here's to another long day!

Finding balance...

I've worked really hard at finding balance in my life - lately I feel unbalanced.

When I got to my parents house, I could feel. The full range of emotions. Lately I find myself emotionally dead... I hate that feeling.

This morning - it clicked. I'm bending so far over backwards to try to pull my parents into balance, but it's not my job to pull them into balance. It's theirs.

I guess this lesson is turning out to learn to let go. Understand that I truly can't solve others problems regardless whether or not what I'm trying to do is in their best interest.

My closest friends tell me that I'm too kind. That I will rend to help others to the point where it ultimately hurts me.

Maybe this lesson is to help me learn to take care of my emotional needs instead of bending all the time. Just to love people in their current situation. It doesn't mean that I have to impose my desire for what I think is ultimately best.

I dunno...

The "Parental Gambit"

In chess, there is this play called a gambit. A gambit is a chess opening in which a player risks one or more pawns or a minor piece to gain an advantage in position.

After "the incident" on Saturday I played the tough love parental gambit.

I was prepared to let it play for for 2 days, but it honestly took less than 24 hours.

I basically refused to lift a finger. I let Mom do everything on her own. I made sure it was inconvenient. If Dad was uncomfortable in the bed... I let it be.

Mom came to me and said - "He's given up. This is too tough. Do what you have to do."

Breakthrough.

I sat her down and said "I love you Mom, but you are going to have to learn to deny your basic impulse to speak out."

Great... Now I'm not handling a 2 front war. It's a 1 front war... time to work on Dad.

Dad, was tougher.

The abbreviated form of the conversation was - "Okay, Dad. I'm calling your physical therapist, occupational therapist and cancelling your services - and I'm going to go home."

He said - "Who's going to take care of me if you're gone?"

"If you're going to just stay in bed... you don't need me here. I don't want to watch."

"I guess I have to get out of bed."

Victory!

Dad and I are back to normal now. He's looking at me. Smiling. That connection is back.

As for Mom? We're getting closer.

Despite the minor set back, there's a lot of good healing going on.

Thanks for all the prayers, positive thoughts and encouragement.

FRUSTRATING!!!!

I have honestly never been so frustrated in my life.

Yesterday was a bad... bad... bad... day.

As a part of the recovery process from cancer, many older patients experience depression.

Dad is not as strong as he was before and depends on others to take care of almost all of his basic needs.

Yesterday morning he didn't want to get out of bed at all. I asked him if he wanted to spend the next 10 years laying there staring at the ceiling and he said yes.

It took 20 minutes and one of the daily motivational speeches to get him up and walking... yes walking to the kitchen.

We get there, do breakfast - and I notice that he may not be up for the walk back to the bedroom... So, we decide we're going to do half the distance.

Since we weren't going to do the full walk, I decided to take the moment to work on some therapy things. Work the muscle memory of standing up/sitting down... etc.

Mom started yelling - "He's tired!!! Why are you torturing him?"

She was casting fear and doubt into this man that I have been working so hard to build up.

ARRRRRRRGH

I admit it. I was short with Mom when I asked her to be quiet. She wasn't helping what I was trying to do - which is get Dad as strong as possible over the next few weeks so things will be easier for her.

For the rest of the day - he laid in bed. Didn't want to move. Didn't want to sit up. Didn't want to do anything but lay there.

Part of that was him protecting Mom. Sending a message to me that we needed to work together better.

One of the tools that I have is that we talk.

When I took him to his doctors appointment and we sat in the lobby for 3 hours, we talked and joked. It's part of what we do... it helps calm him down... understand that I believe in him and it gives him strength.

She took that away from me yesterday when she screamed - "he doesn't like to talk!!! Why are you talking to him - he doesn't need to be lectured"

For the rest of the freakin' day every time I would try to talk to him he would close his eyes.

She killed so much progress in 15 minutes of insanity.

I don't want to turn this into a bash Mom thing. I understand that she's stressed.

I tried to explain to her that when I'm gone it's going to be her and him. There are going to be times when he's tired, but he's still going to have to help her help him.

So today? I am going to do nothing.

I am going to sit down... and let her run the show. I am not going to lift a finger so she can see how hard it really is going to be.

I love them both.

I hate tough love.

I just don't see any other way.

Another dating analogy...

I was talking with another friend of mine about dating this morning. It's a favorite topic of mine - probably because I'm really interested in dating, but haven't stumbled across the right situation/circumstance yet.

Anyway... the analogy that I came up with this morning revolves around baking cookies.

This mornings conversation revolved around how do you know know if someone is interested in you.

I hate to make this generalization, but the women that I know seam to call something a relationship very quickly... so today? 2 1/2 cookie analogies...

1) What is more disappointing than walking into a house and smelling cookies when you walk through the door and finding out that it's just a really really nice smelling candle.

2) What's more frustrating than baking cookies then taking them out of the oven too soon trying to eat them... all you get is a gooey mess...

2 1/2) Can you microwave cookie dough??????

A lot of times when I talk to people, I guess I also talk to myself. What did I learn?

Wait for it.... Wait for it...

No seriously, that's what I learned.

Wait for it. Be patient. Don't try to rush things. See what's there...

In the end - will be happy with the end result and not disappointed.

Startling revelation #13

Yesterday I realized something... in 11 years I am going to be 50 years old.

Now, I don't consider 50 to be old, but the thought that I would have seen half a century really brought things into stark relief.

I immediately began to do a life inventory... do I have good friends, what have I accomplished, what will my legacy be...

Then my thoughts slightly changed... what do I want to do? What are my 10 year goals? Are the selfish? Do the involve others? What do I want to do?

I haven't really decided, but what I do know is that I'm going to spend the next year preparing because I want to make the most out of the next decade.

I want to lose the extra weight that I carry - I know that's a fact.

I want to write another CD - this one, from my heart.

I want to continue to look at life the way that I do - with wide eyed wonderment.

I want to make an impact on peoples lives. I want to go into the inner city and inspire hope. I want to spend more time with people on the fringe of society to let them know that they are cared for by more than just the people in their small community - whether that be the community of the homeless or the punk rock kids that hang out just because it's cool to stand there and look cool.

There are friends from my past that I want to reconnect with.

And... there's one selfish goal... I want to fall in love. Deeply. Madly. Passionately. For the first time in my life I want to be in a healthy, loving relationship.

Okay... there's nothing that I can do about that last one... it takes 2 people and I'm not going to settle. But a guy can dream.

Well folks... I have a lot to prepare for in a year. Will you help keep me honest?

An old proverb rings true...

There is an old saying that reads as follows:

"As iron sharpens iron, so does a friend sharpen the countenance of his friend."

After yesterday's birthday "celebration" I was feeling pretty down today. I was wallowing in self pity... until the doorbell rang unexpectedly.

When I opened the door an old college friend was at the door.

He was as surprised to see me as I was him. He basically was in the neighborhood and came over to ask my parents for my contact info... and I opened the door.

Lemme tell you my George stories...

When we were in college - he was in the Marines reserves. During the first Gulf War, his unit was called to serve. The nigh before he was supposed to report for duty - the 2 of us were hanging out.

We had this really deep friendship - he looked at me and he said - "I'm scared..."

I... of course being the problem solver that I am... took him out for donuts. We purchased a dozen...

He had 4... I had 4... leaving 4. I looked at him and said "I am going to save these donuts until you get back. When we do... we're going to eat them..."

Well, his unit got activated. He got deployed.

About 6 months later when he got back - he came over to visit.

As he sat down and relaxed... I went to my closet and pulled out this box of donuts that had been sitting out for 6 months. They were literally as hard as rocks. I opened the lid and said, "want one?"

This guy was honestly closer to me than a brother.

He came over at noon and stayed until around 10pm - just laughing, sharing memories. He did share something with me tonight that he hadn't shared with me before... and to some degree, it was comforting.

He said "Kingsley (one of our friends) and I actually cried when you told us you were getting married. Real tears - we were like - he's making a big mistake."

It really did my heart good to know that I had friends like that... friends that cared enough to cry over life decisions I was making.

I then of course chastised him for not throwing me in the back of his van and beating some sense into me...

It was a good visit. Although it's been 2 years since I've seen him, it's like we never parted ways.

Seeing him was the best belated birthday present I've received in years!

Yesterday was my birthday...

I don't think it's ever taken me this long to put together a blog entry. I've been working on this one for 2 hours. This is my 4th re-write.

The first entry started of sad then the last went into full on dismay.

So... in an effort to cheer myself up I went to one of my guilty pleasures - a chick flick. I admit it, I'm a hopeless romantic and sometimes a good chick flick cheers me up.

All I can say is that my movie choice for today SUCKED.

The movie of the day was "Enchanted" a super sugary sweet love story about people from the fairy tale world coming into the real world and changing what their understanding of true love ending with everyone experiencing happily ever after.

As an optimist and hopeless romantic I'm beginning to question my life's choices... maybe I need to find a different path.

Fond memories...

This is my oldest sister Patti. I snapped this picture at the airport. Sometimes it really amazes me ho much me and my siblings look alike.

When we get together we always talk about these funny stories about when we were kids.

We had this game that we played called "Take it like a man" - We would hold out our hands and swing them back and forth until they slapped together and say - "Take it like a man" - and do this until out hands were red... The loser was the first person to quit.

Okay... I admit it... that's an odd game to play... but we were living in Italy at the time on something like the 14th floor of an apartment building in downtown Martina Franca, Italy. It's not like our parents were going to let a couple of pre-teens run around outside. So, you have to improvise...

When we moved back to the US we used to have a lot of fun. Sometimes when we walked through the neighborhood and we saw a dog, we would hold hands and squeeze if we saw a dog. Okay... if you've seen the movie "Tin Man" on SciFi, then you know how important it is to hold your siblings hand and not let go when danger came.

This is the sister that I would sneak into the camp behind our house with. We grew up on a lake and we would go on pontoon boat rides, play games, buy food at the snack bar...

It's always fun to catch up and remember.

Will someone remind me to get some of the old video tapes and put them on DVD?

Thanks!

Holding it together...

I wanted to get something out there today... but instead I had this completely inappropriate cathartic episode with a friend of mine on myspace today.

I have no idea why I went on and on and on about the stupidest things...

I should have just kept to my routine and blogged first... it helps me get centered and focused on the day.

When I don't? WOW!!!

Ummm... if you're reading my blog - consider this a public apology.

Okay... my goal is to only say positive things about my Mom for the rest of the time that I'm at home.

For those of you that know the power of prayer... pray for me. Positive thinking is also accepted.

My new strategy is going to be to play checkers with her. She likes checkers. Start small... I'm not going to try to meet her half way... I am going to meet her all the way. And even if she doesn't want to take the journey with me... I'll enjoy the visit.

Dad...

I find myself snapping more pictures of Dad these days...

Pictures of his hands, my hands by his hands.

Although his memory isn't what it used to be, we find a lot of joy in the the moment and in story telling.

And every once in a while, we'll share a moment that is just incredible.

After being in the hospital for 4 months he finally came home. We set up one of the bedrooms in the house with a hospital bed and everything that we would need for home health care.

To him... it still made it feel like he was still in the hospital, so we walked around the house to the various rooms.

When we got to his bedroom he sat on the edge of the bed and looked around...

For a moment, his eyes lit up.

I asked him what was so funny.

He said - "Mom... she left every drawer open on her dresser."

We both got a good laugh out of that one.

I think that's going to be my goal while I'm here. Just enjoy my parents... It's a good thing to be in the position to be able to care for your parents.

A mother's love...

From the time I was about 15 years old I've always had a strained relationship with my Mom. It's always bothered me that it hasn't been great.

Over the years I've tried to work on the relationship but always walk away shaking my head.

Honestly, there have been evenings where I've stayed up late at night wishing that I had the type of relationship with her the way that my brothers and sisters did.

Until yesterday.

In the last 24 hours, I've seen my Mom bring 2 of my sisters to their knees - and my brother who has been a ROCK to me in terms of the way he relates to my parents... his hands were literally shaking.

Let's talk about an eye opener.

My oldest sister talked with me for an hour about her relationship with Mom.

My little sister? 6 hours. I sat there... reassured her... helped her put the pieces back together.

It's odd... 4 siblings in the house all trying to do things to help Mom and Dad. And she's working against us. Pushing us away. Being accusative. Trying to pit one against the other. It's a dysfunctional masterpiece.

I've have honestly had to say - "you're my sister... I love you unconditionally, regardless of what Mom may say."

My next 3 weeks here are going to be... interesting.

I honestly don't want to air dirty laundry. I pride myself on talking about my life and only my life... but this effects my life.

Just a warning... in the event that my blog goes to a dark place...

Nah... I'm going to be fine. I don't hold things in. I work through them. I... am emotionally healthy.

"Old" aquaintence - New Friend

Through the power of the internet, I was able to sync up with a friend of mine from high school.

I actually remember having the biggest crush on her way back when, but really never had the nerve to reach out to her back in the day.

She sent me a message on one of the social networking sites that simply said - "Remember me?"

We've been e-mailing back and forth... getting to know each other again...

I think she's a sweetheart. She grew up in my home town - so she identifies with me at this weird level that you only can growing up where we did.

Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to actually date her. A smile crosses my face. I'm tempted to flirt... but draw back.

Admittedly, I'm a hopeless romantic, but she's 916.42 miles away.

There's a part of me that would love to sync up with her. A part of me that knows that it's possible to fall for her...

There's a part of me that believes it would end in another heartache for me.

But what ever happens... I really enjoy getting an e-mail from her every day... from 916.42 miles away.

Thanks T-Mobile

One of the reasons I went with T-mobile was the ability to use their hotspots - free internet service in almost any city. I am tring to get my taxes out - and I am enjoying respite with true high speed connectivity.

Dealing with aging...

My Dad has always been this larger than life person to me. Although he only stands 5'2" tall - he has always been this guy that could do anything.

I remember him at 66 years old going to the golf course and out playing hotshot golfers in their 20's and 30's.

I remember him being able to run faster, jump higher, fix anything, solve any problem.

Until January of this year.

January of this year his lung/throat cancer treatments got the best of him. He's in remission now, but it was at a great price.

For the last 4 months he has been in hospitals and a rehab facility recovering.

He has gets tired while sitting up, he doesn't walk very far, he spends a lot of time in bed - and although he's at home, there are instances when he believes he's still in the hospital.

For the next 3 weeks - I'm going to be with my parents helping with his transition home.

I can say, dealing with my issues was easy... this is going to be the hardest thing that I've done in the last year... maybe my entire life.

The Sparkles Effect

I was talking with "Sparkles" yesterday about dating. I named her dating technique - The Sparkles Effect.

The average length of time that a relationship lasts for her is around 14 days.

Somewhere between day 1 and day 14 things go south.

Here's my opinion on what's happening:

She has what is potentially a great piece of steak. She's tossing it in a microwave oven for 14 minutes and expecting it to taste the same as if she placed it on the grill and cooked it to perfection after letting it marinate and be seasoned properly.

Microwave Burn.

It's a hazard in too many relationships today.

I have found that it really takes 2 years for someone to come to the conclusion that they love me. I mean, not a superficial love at first sight thing. That rarely happens with me. But 2 years... yeah. They'll know who I am. Consistent, Loving, Quirky.

Does anyone out there want to go through the grilling process anymore? Because this steak refuses to be microwaved.

Curveballs from the Universe

Jimi Hendrix sings this song that's been on my mind. Well, not so much the song, but a single lyric:

Now if a 6... turned out to be a 9...

I had one of those experiences over the last few weeks and it radically changed my view of the world.

Over the past week I was talking with friends of mine - a really out going pastor, a really attractive blonde woman, the in crowd at a local pub...

I found out some really interesting things.

Everyone is insecure and worries if people will like them.

Huh... wha? You? But people flock to you... - that was my first reaction, but I sat there and listened and found this common theme among all of them.

That's why some drink - it's a social lubricant to help their anxiety.

That's why some make people laugh.

That's why some people are good listeners.

That's why some people are willing to help.

That's why some people organize activities.

That's why this list could go on and on.

They like to keep things on the surface level - and that's the unwritten social contract.

People like me are the exception to the rule.

When I talk to people like me who want deep relationships we all say the same thing. It's frustrating because people like to keep things at the surface level and we have problems with people who can't jump headlong into the cracks and fissures that make us who we are.

Interesting. To me, at least.

So... I'm learning to be more surface level - and at the same time sharing with others how to go deeper.

This is one curveball I'm learning how to hit.

Remembering 2 years of blogging...

Sorry for 2 posts in a single day... but... today is an anniversary of sorts.

My first public blog where I started my journey of self discovery in my Yahoo!360 was May 7, 2006. In all honesty, I had a friends only blog that started in April of 2006.

Okay... admittedly, my Blogspot blog has been around since August 30, 2005, but I can look back at those post and see that I was trying to paint a rosy picture. I knew then that my marriage was coming to an end.

My blogspot blog ends in October of 2005 then starts up again in March of 2006 with me pretending that all is well in the world.

I spent about an hour this morning going over the chronicles of how my life view has changed.

It has been a long journey... I've come a long way.

I can look back and see months where I couldn't bring myself to write about what was going on, I see pain, I see triumphs. I look back and see where I've come from and I can see what lies ahead.

It's the journey that I've had that is going to help me appreciate what comes next.

Love... is freedom

The "Anarchy Heart"... when I first saw it it resonated with me. THIS is what I'm looking for!!!

The symbol itself was born in the punk folk community and what it says at it's core is that "love is freedom."

I consider myself to be a loving person. My friends will tell you that I reach out to people and that I genuinely care - but that in itself can be a burden with no freedom at all unless it's returned.

I don't need the love to be returned in order to complete me, for happiness or even for freedom because at my core, I feel I am complete, happy and free.

In all honesty, being in a relationship chips away at those 3 feelings.

There are times when you don't feel complete when you don't connect with the person that you're with. There are times when you won't feel happy with yourself or the other person. There are times when you will feel like your freedom is constricted when you make sacrifices for the other person.

Ideally, what you get is the freedom to be loved in your flakiness. The freedom to know that even when you blow it, this person is ultimately there for you. You have the freedom to continue to discover who you are as you grow and not have to worry about trying to be the person that they want you to be or even think you are.

It's a powerful thing to be able to experience.

It is a humbling thing to give that kind of love.

Who am I looking for?

When I was younger I used to have all these superficial things that I was looking for in a woman to date... a certain height, hair color, eye color...

The older I get, the less that matters to me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still partial to wide eyes and an infectious smile, but it's going to take a lot more than that for me to be interested...

Honestly, I am looking for someone that knows who she is. Someone with a love for life. A person that can communicate well and if comfortable enough with who she is to let me be me.

I am interested in someone that's as interested in getting to know me as I am in getting to know them.

Finally? A person that is willing to continue to grow and experience life.

I guess the next question is... why am I looking?

Emotionally healthy... but relationally?

You know... I was looking at a video that was taken of me and an ex-girlfriend. In this video, she says - "I want to love you, honor you, cherish you... forever, and protect your heart."

My response to her was - "I want to believe what you're saying, but I don't think you believe what you're saying."

30 days later she was engaged to a friend of mine.

This is the type of thing that happens to me on a regular basis.

I'll get a telephone call to meet a friend for lunch and she'll say - "I want to thank you... you really taught me how to love, genuinely... from the heart," followed by - "I'm engaged now to the most wonderful man!"

Honestly, a very beautiful young lady earlier this year said - "I love you and really care for you" days before she moved to the other side of the country.

I can go back to my first love and tell story after story like this. It happens to me all the time.

People wonder why my heart is guarded when it comes to dating...

Trust me. There's a difference between having baggage and being guarded. Despite the craziness of my past, I think I'm ready for a normal and healthy relationship.

So... over the next couple of however long it takes, I'm going to talk about my perspective on relationships.

By now, you know what I'm going to say.... "I can't wait to hear my thoughts on the topic!"

Putting a nice bow on things...

It's weird... this picture looks like I photo shopped myself onto this background. I guess it's the weird effects of having natural back light.

One thing I can assure you is that the smile is genuine and not photo shopped.

I guess I've done a pretty good job of explaining who I am. I've also done some growing in the process. That makes me feel good.

Many of you know that I've been on sabbatical since January helping my Dad with some health issues and trying to provide some relief to my Mom. That comes to an end next week when Dad comes home! I'm really excited and looking forward to spending a couple days with Mom and Dad without having to worry about nurses and doctors coming in every 15 1/2 minutes.

Of course, this also means that I have to start the whole job hunting process again... The good news is that I have an interview coming up that I'm preparing for. It's kind of like a dream position for me that leverages what I've been doing in the IT industry for a while.

So... let's take a tally and see what's outstanding...

Mom/Dad taken care of? Check.

Made peace with my past? Check.

Comfortable with who I am? Check.

Friends firmly in place? Check.

Relationship with my sons? Check.

Relationship with my ex? Well... relationships are a two way street.

Gainfully employed again? Working on it.

What's missing?

Someone to share my life with... I've mentioned before that I think I'm ready to date.

So next? I think I'll talk about my thoughts on what I'm looking for in a relationship...

Any feedback on that topic would be appreciated. The one thing I know is that the dating world has changed since the last time I was in the market.

Filling in the holes

I think this "getting to know me" exercise has really done a good job in filling in some holes that have prevented me from being the man that I've always wanted to be.

One of the things that I frequently write about is the feeling that I don't quite fit in. I have been working really hard at trying to fill that hole. Well... this week I've made great strides at filling that hole.

I've reconnected with some friends from high school. Remembering the good times has begun to overshadow some of the other memories. It turns out... that I might not have been the loner that I thought I was... the way people keep coming out of the woodworks.

I had a conversation with this guy David - who was definitely one of the most popular guys in elementary school. He was talking about how he hated to wear glasses and he felt like a dork. But when I came in wearing mine and was cool about it, it made him feel a little bit better about wearing his.

It's really amazing how your life changes can skew your memories and impact where you are today.

But I'm thankful having gone through those years of doubting myself and thinking of me as being less than what I am. I can really now appreciate who I am a little better than before.

I also think I have a better understanding of relationships. There was a time where I would settle in my relationships and end up spending time with people that were really unhealthy for me, just because they said they were interested in me. Just for that brief moment of affirmation that I was special in someones eyes.

Truth is? I am special. I am a reasonably good looking guy that is emotionally healthy without past relationship baggage. Although I have an ex-wife and 3 sons... I can freely admit my love for my sons and that my ex-wife doesn't get under my skin. There aren't a lot of people that can say that.

So for the first time in a long time... I can say "My name is (insert name here), and I am okay with who I am."

I'm a control freak...

I am a control freak... but I realize that the only thing that I can control is me.

I'm very good at dialing in how I present myself from the way that I talk, the way that I carry myself to the way I dress.

This is both good and bad.

It's good because it allows me to make good choices and decisions and avoid making bad ones.

It's bad because it allows me to make good choices and decisions and avoid making bad ones.

It's why I don't drink. It's why I don't ever completely let myself be spontaneous. It's why I keep people at arms length until I'm comfortable enough to open up.

Because, in my mind... I am predictable. Loyal to a fault...

Since I can't control the actions of others I generally wait to see who they are... then, I open up.

But lately I've been playing with the dials... I think I found the one that will help me open up a bit earlier.

I can't wait to see what happens when I let my guard down. I think I'm getting better at it. I mean, before - I wouldn't have gone through this whole - "getting to know me" in the public forum of a blog.

I like me... but you don't like me?

I used to worry about whether or not people liked me... Okay, I still worry about it... but not as much as I used to.



What I'm beginning to understand is that there are a lot of people in the world that feel the same way.



Kirk Franklin - in the CD that he released over Christmas did a song on the topic. The chorus is an affirmation that says:

Cause I like me, do you like me

See I like me, cause he likes me

God likes me, yo you don't like me?

I like me, yo you like me

Cause I like me, do you like me

See I like me, cause he likes me

God likes me, yo you don't like me?

The fact that he put a song like that on his CD makes me wonder if someone that is world famous has the same type issues...

Probably.

There are some people that say "I like you, but I don't like your ways..." - I'm not one of those people. Honestly, I can't think of anyone that I don't like. There are people that I choose not to hang out with, but it's not because I like don't them, it's because the time that we spend together isn't healthy... and I'm all about staying in a good frame of mind... but it's not because I don't like you.

It's my goal to get to know you. I want to know you as an individual as much as I want to be known.

I want to be able to say "why I like you" - because I know why I like me.